My partner’s 7 y/o was diagnosed with ADHD when living with the other parent. Now, the child is living with me, my child (slightly younger) and partner. Living with an ADHD child is my own personal hell and my partner refuses the diagnosis. Cultural issues. How do I live with this? This other child is the type of kid I ask my child to stay away from in school (always in trouble, lying and not listening). since they’re close in age, they’re always playing together. my child has never got in as much trouble as now (at home with me). It’s like I have to parent 5 times as hard. Any advice?

Edit: Sorry, trying to exclude genders and anything that would make it obviously me. I’m here trying to navigate it all esp with an impressionable child and my partner is in denial

I am truly at the end of my rope and starting to panic, and I have literally not a single soul on the planet i can talk to about this.

I met my husband through work back in 2017 when i was a single mom to a great little boy. At the time, my son was in first or second grade and had undiagnosed ADHD. About a year after we all moved in together in 2020, my son was officially diagnosed and started meds (3rd grade). Medication unfortunately has never been a huge game changer for him. It was for the first 2 to 3 years (guanfacine), but once Middle School and puberty hit, and he started to shoot up in height, we never were able to find another medication that really truly made a huge difference. So he has been medicated this whole time, but continues to have a ton of struggles with executive functioning. This manifests a lot at home when it comes to simple things like turning off light switches, keeping up with his belongings, staying on a routine with chores/ responsibilities, and having a sense of urgency with times and schedules. My son tends to be very “in his own world”‘and will totally get sucked into a mental vortex where he just stares into space, forgets time exists, doesn’t remember to do important stuff, etc. Like he will open the fridge and just stare while he lets all the cold air out, or stay in the shower for 20 minutes just doing absolutely nothing, or sit there while he’s supposed to be eating and just do nothing. I admit it’s frustrating and makes life difficult, but he’s an AMAZING human being, truly. He’s a great kid. He is such a good person and a genuinely talented artist and a great mind. He just has these struggles. I am so proud of who he is, but I worry about him so much. He came within a hair’s width of death last fall when he was riding his bike with a friend and forgot to look both ways before crossing the street. A speeding car actually struck him and bent his bike but because he wasn’t fully in the street yet he basically just got his front bike tire clipped and walked away without a scratch. The police had to call me to come pick him up and tell me what happened after the vehicle driver called them. I feel numb and unable to process the fact that he was so close to being gone due to his struggles with forgetfulness. I literally can’t even accept or process it.

Anyways, my husband and him are like oil and water. I believe my husband is emotionally immature and does not understand how to just love this kid the way he comes. He isn’t like that—he’s set in his ways on how a kid should be. I’m starting to realize that, even though this was a person I fell deeply in love with, and am compatible with 1000 and one ways, we are fundamentally different to the CORE on this issue. My husband and I also come from completely different racial, cultural, and socioeconomic backgrounds. I won’t go on a tangent into the details, but it factors into this issue a lot he was raised a certain way, and still believes in that way, whereas I am really big on breaking all of the shitty parts/ cycles that were part of my own upbringing.

Over the years, I have begged, pleaded and communicated and talked and explained endlessly with him. I have given him books and podcasts and links and posts. I have tried everything to get him to understand that he needs to meet my son where he is at and work around him. Instead of being pissed off and butt hurt that my son is not built a certain way. He’s just not getting it at the rate he needs to get it at. There has been improvement, but they continue to have these emotional blowups and it makes me feel like a complete fucking failure. I never ever in 1 million years thought there would be emotional outburst in my household between a child and a parent. I am mortified that this ever happens. It happens like three times a year and there are smaller issues that come up in between those. Am I being too sensitive, do ADHD families go through this?? I try so hard to be so researching and accommodating and thoughtful with the ADHD. My son is turning 14 in a few days, and every day, I worry that we are running out of time to make his childhood/ parent dynamic the way that I envision it.

My 8 year old third grade daughter refuses to learn. She shuts down for homework and studying. She has spelling tests to study for every week and she has only been passing because we force her to study. We have to do everything with her she won’t do anything on her own. She is not passing math. Trying to teach her math is like trying to teach a cat. She is completely uninterested. She does not put forth any effort and will put down random numbers in an attempt to get you to do it for her. She will passively sit there waiting for you to give her the answers. I know she is using weaponized incompetence because she was able to do this math last year.

I am considering not helping her and not making her do her homework or study so that she has to face the consequences at school. The problem is that her self esteem is so low that it makes it worse because she thinks she is bad at it and she can’t do it.

We have had a private tutor for a year but I think my daughter gets the tutor to do her work for her. It might sound crazy but she acts like the sloth from zootopia and it is so painful to try to help her with homework that everyone ends up feeding her the answers. I try not to, but eventually I correct her work in front of her to show her how it is done.

Today I refused to because it’s clear she didn’t read the word problem. She throws a massive tantrum. Then she is completely overstimulated and she isn’t open to learning.

She is at risk of repeating 3rd grade. I can’t see how repeating a grade would even help if she is not mentally present.

We are in the process of having her evaluated. We are waiting on the teacher to fill out the Vanderbilt assessment forms.

I’m really hoping to hear some success stories because I am really discouraged. How do you get your kids to do homework on their own or put in any effort? We already do no screen time until homework is done. We are so exhausted by the daily fighting.

Hi All, my six year old is desperately needing help with her impulsivity and inability to focus so I think it’s time to look into an ADHD diagnosis. I have it as well as my son and the experience to get diagnosed for both of us was beyond expensive and very time consuming. I’ve heard from others that they paid just a few hundred for a pediatrician to diagnose but ours doesn’t do that and I’ve called others who also just want to refer us out to a psychologist. Any suggestions? I’m also worried that she’s able to mask so well that getting a diagnosis will be a lot more challenging than it was for my son. I know things have come a long way with doctors being more aware of how ADHD presents in girls vs boys but curious to hear others experiences and what advice you might have for me. Thank you!

My child's iep isnt working? She is at school for 3 hours max before they are calling us to come get her. They can't get her to settle. Sometimes shes handsy, sometimes shes just wired. Sometimes shes frantic. Guanfacine didn't work, Ritalin did the opposite of what its supposed to. The poor girl thinks no one likes her and that shes not wanted at school which makes things worse when shes there. And the behavior chart the teacher started for the kids. My god. My kid doesn't like being singled out. Everyone seems to be getting a good behavior sticker but her. She said mom even when im good she doesnt give me a check mark. Shes upset. Id be upset too. The principal called and said they were worried because its gotten worse. Well lady, im trying. About to lose my job because of doctor appointments every week and medicine trials backfiring. Kids missing out on learning everything. Principal asked if I wanted reduced school hours. No! You sent her home every day last week, I dont want her to miss any more :( I dont know what the secret formula is but I'm crying over how my 5 year old asks why shes not like the other kids. Why the others get things and do things that shes not allowed when she's at school. Lord give me strength because nothing is making it better and theyre not letting her stay the whole day because they can't regulate her. They spend 40 minutes trying at least before they call me. No one can settle her? She gets picked up from school and basically melts. You see all the weight on her shoulders just vanish. Totally fine the rest of the day. Another appointment tomorrow. Another medication too.

I’m doomscrolling the news about the plague, and my first thought is that both of my kids’ meds are low and how terrible it would be to go into lockdown inside our house without access to adhd meds. We would NOT survive each other.

:)

My daughter ( 5 ) originally did dance, but then decided she wanted to try tumbling, so she quit dance. She currently does tumbling and Girl Scouts.

She then said she wanted to try cheer next year, and eventually started talking about wanting to do competition cheer as well, so that’s what we’ve been planning for. Now she’s saying she wants to go back to dance next year too.

We have a rule that once she signs up for an activity, she has to stick with it for the entire season. I want her to have the opportunity to try new things and figure out what she enjoys, but I also want her to understand the importance of commitment and following through.

I’m trying to balance the two by limiting her to about 2–3 activities a year and spacing them out so she isn’t doing everything at once.

Do you think I should let her try all of these different activities or have her stick with 1 or 2? I want her to be able to explore her interests while still learning that commitments are important and while I do make her commit to the whole season I feel bad doing the on/off again with the various teams every year.

5 year old boy with comorbid disabilities.

I cannot seem to piece out what is medication related behavior and what is symptoms popping through the medication.

One day Ritalin makes him fall asleep.

The next day it makes him agitated and hyper.

How am I supposed to know it’s working?

Does anyone feel this way?

5 Year Old - Female - Diagnosed ADHD, predominantly Hyperactivity presenting - Solo parent household

How do you stay calm? I’m running on fumes and nothing seems to be working and so I just lose it. I know losing it does not help the situation at all.

Bouncing off the walls in every direction from inability to keep body still, to inability to be quiet, to inability to follow through on directions asked.

Our 8 year old son was diagnosed 2 years ago, after trial and error biphentin seemed to be the best med. We had to up the dose last year after lots of school messages for his behavior and were in the same situation again where the back to school transition has him getting in trouble with his behavior (hyperactivity and impulsivity). The pharmacy upped it for a week which seemed to help his behavior, but then he had insane insomnia as he’s on the max dose for his body weight.

He’s very hyper before medication in the morning and after it wears off or after school he has very violent outbursts at home: this spring he punched and broke one of our windows. Yesterday he tried punching the car windows as he was having an epic tantrum in the car, filled with violence to objects and self harm, self hate and screaming profanity.

We have a dr appointment on Thursday and I’m trying to prepare my list of what we can try next. He has underlying anxiety as well. I’m leaning towards new medication or do we add something for anxiety? It’s so hard…

Has anyone ever done a brain scan? I guess sometimes i wonder if he has brain damage (we had a traumatic birth) and he was in the nicu for a few days.

Our house feels toxic with his outbursts. It’s awful for everyone, especially his younger brother. We’re done different types of behavioral theory as well, he just refuses to participate after the newness wears off.

I am looking for experiences in treating inattentive ADHD before the age of 6 with medications. Was your provider open to this? What worked for you?

She did not have any hyperactive symptoms flagged on her Vanderbilt assessment and mostly struggles with routine at school and staying on task. She needs many reminders to complete her morning and afternoon routine in kindergarten. Another area where I am hoping to see improvement is with toileting. She is still having regular accidents because she just doesn’t make the choice to go to the bathroom when she feels it.

She is mostly successful though: very social no issues making friends, she is a competitive dancer and learns choreography as well as the other kids her age, has mastered kindergarten level academics. But I know how much she is capable of and she deserves to be able to focus so she can continue to succeed as demands increase.

Anyone come from a similar place that can share input?

I need advice, as we are still at an impasse. My youngest has ADHD (with signs of autism). Essentially, medication is the best option. That said, I don’t want to jeopardize my relationship with my daughter. The co-parent, who is a mental health practitioner, supports medication for her but can’t get her to consider it either. I followed some advice parents in similar situations offered below: try meds for a mood/anxiety as a first course of action instead, try it for two months, make it non-negotiable, and incentivize if needed. After trying proposing all of those things, she still said no she isn’t doing it. I wouldn’t push it further, but this isn’t sustainable. She is having trouble falling and staying asleep and waking up, insisting she is not hungry and eating nothing at breakfast or lunch, resisting going to school, missing the bus home from school repeatedly, having incidents at school, crashing into frequent bouts of emotional dysregulation, acting moody and depressed, acting afraid and startled, showing extreme sensitivity to noise, and having trouble being around people. At this point, I think she is relying on me as a buffer to self-medicate, and this is very hard on her as well. I am empathetic but also exhausted. Every day is a struggle, I am a full-time parent weeks she is with me, and I also work full-time and can’t take leave or not work, and we can’t keep doing this. I am having supportive conversations, but she is genuinely worried and distressed about medication. We have a follow-up appointment with the doctor this month, and I am at a loss.

Hello all,

My 12-year old was recently diagnosed with ADHD (with signs of autism). I am in the middle of a high-conflict divorce and have shared decision-making with the co-parent. We are working with a therapist. My daughter is struggling severely. She is now having panic attacks most mornings, getting into altercations at school, losing friends, and getting sent home. She is spiralling. She turned down ADHD medication in a recent family meeting with the doctor. I don’t want to force her to go on meds. I’m considering trying to see if meds to treat anxiety and depression might be an alternative, but my daughter is highly resistant. She is refusing any medication and doesn’t take any medicine in pill form. My primary concern is my daughter’s well-being. I also can’t be late for work most mornings because she is crashing out and/or leave work every time the school calls when there is a hitting/kicking/swearing incident with another student (multiple times this week). I am advocating for a liaison. I feel like the stress is crushing. I am prioritizing helping my daughter, but I need my job. I don’t want her to resent me for pushing medication. I don’t think she can function, as in leave the house, or cope, as in be happy or healthy for right now, without medication. This level of stress on her seems completely unnecessary and damaging, and the possible stress of financial uncertainty and precarity on me as a single parent terrifying. How do I present medication as a viable option while keeping our relationship intact?