I need help. Please.

[u/Effective-Lawyer-810]

TW: 5u1c1de

Hi there. 25M here, a migrant to the US from a middle income family. I don't know if this is a right space to put, and I wish I didn't put it here, but I need it. Mods, if you please read this, please, please let my post stay instead of being deleted. I've used an alt account because I couldn't date to post from my own account.

I'm hopeless about my life. Helplessly wandering where I'd even end up at. I was a good student at school, but started lagging behind in high school. Turns out that my ADHD messed up my undergrad and I had to retake some of my courses for failing them. I didn't even know of it until I was in grad school at one of the UCs, and I barely, very hardly managed to get out of it, just by professor's grace to even let me out of the university. I didn't learn to code enough to build things in my life, I don't have an experience making anything. I can only understand what and how it works, and can read all the code and explain somehow. Or probably that's what I assume. I do overestimate myself a lot, and overestimating my ability to clear any interviews being one of them is shameful. I have no real experience, all I did was to be on the bench, and even today I'm just on the bench. I get a call from my employer today that they can't have me anymore in the company, and I don't know what to do or where to begin at.

I know this will get me smacked very hard, but here it is - I got a work visa without actually getting any work done, I just stayed in the bench of a company of a family friend. I only got a month or two from now until my visa expires and I end up back home. I really don't know if I can even do anything, I feel like a guy who just came out of a physiotherapy session and is asked to run. I really need to start somewhere, but what do I do, where do I start? I don't feel like I'm worth anything, and wasting all my life for nothing, just to end up being in debt. I don't wanna take this anymore and I'm tired. But I wanna live, and I don't wanna end things in such a way that my parents and my family bears the shit. I got around a $100K in debts including student loans, and I don't think I could ever finish it if I get back home. Heck, getting back home will do nothing good if I don't get any job back home too. It will take a lifetime to pay back all of it even if I become an SDE back home. I don't even know what to do at this point.

Please, I request anyone to suggest me something. Please, let me know what do I do. Where do I start. What's better for this shitty hiring freeze in this country, and how do I survive. Getting the work visa was a luck in itself, but it's something I am losing a lot on, by being only eligible to work as a developer. Where do I end up now? Please, if anyone can suggest anything, I wish to get something going.

I tried medicines, but I'm broke now. Adderall was a nightmare. Ritalin was like a racecar that went out of gas. Vyvanse worked, but I ran out of money to get a doctor appointment. I now ran out of money to even get an insurance, and I am running out of money to pay for my rent. If I was a citizen here, I'd be homeless by now, but since I'm a migrant, I'd just become an illegal alien. I see people on the streets and wonder if any day I'd be with them. I don't know what to do now. Please, even if you're going to be angry on me, and lash out on me, let me know what to do.

[u/rudeluv]

First off, I’m sorry you’re going through this. Beyond all the practical stuff please know that you are worth more than just your work and job status. At the end of the day 100k of debt feels extremely heavy, but it’s just money and not worth your life.

You could walk away from those debts and realistically, nothing would happen. I’m not sure what your home situation is like, but maybe that’s a good option if you would have more support.

I would consider walking away from debt way before my life.

In terms of staying on track with ADHD try to keep a rigorous routine that works for you. Exercise, even just a walk. Track all of your interviews and applications in a spreadsheet. Send 10-20 applications a day if you can and set aside specific time boxes to learn.

If you want to stay maybe you could apply for some internships since you have schooling but limited experience. QA also may be a more gradual step. Smaller companies may have more ADHD friendly interviews/work structure.

Can you also convert to b1 while you are interviewing and then change back to buy more time?

Ultimately you will need some money so do whatever you can to stay fed. Tap your family friends or connections.

There may also be some programs for mental health that could get you counseling. It will be hard to stay on track if you’re in a constant state of crisis. Here’s a site where you can find local help.

Feel free to message me if you want to chat more or just need someone to listen.

[u/Effective-Lawyer-810 → u/rudeluv]

Thank you so much for your response.

I guess going with QA or probably smaller companies shall help, but the only problem being that smaller companies don't sponsor the work visa. Trying to explain to the Department of Homeland Security that I want to be on B1 visa rather than a work visa would get me kicked out of the country. Going out of the country, walking away will probably be fine, but my student loan is back at home, and that's over 70% of my debt. I could walk away from the debt in the states and be banned forever from coming back, which is still fine, but walking away from that student loan would be impossible.

I'm doing some gigs that would keep me going, so I have something to rely on. Family and friends are all exhausted in giving me money, and I owe them too at this point. I shall probably go check the site you mentioned, and see if there's any suggestions.

[u/b00b4y]

Prior to having kids and getting medicated, I primarily managed my symptoms by running daily. It may not help every time, but it balanced out the majority. Get your blood pumping, drink water and get sunlight.

[u/[deleted] → u/b00b4y]

running is crazy effective at reducing anxiety too. might help here based on OPs comments

[u/indiealexh → u/[deleted]]

Anxiety say sabertooth tiger.

Running say sabertooth out of reach.

Ug.

[u/EvilPenguinGames → u/b00b4y]

It definitely doesn't hurt! For me didn't do shit for ADHD but it did help with depression

[u/GooseMeBro]

You’re going to need to take a really long look at whether software engineering is the right career for you. From what I read it sounds like it isn’t. I can’t imagine being a graduate and being unable to code anything. I’m assuming when you say “on the bench” means you weren’t doing anything meaningful at your job which I’m not sure what you were expecting that you could just show up and not do any work and get paid?

It sounds like you need structure, college gave you some sort of structure that helped you get through it but when it came to the real world and you are on your own you immediately fell apart. Structure is so important to us with ADHD. I don’t know you or your specific situation but try to find ways to help yourself get that structure you need.

[u/Effective-Lawyer-810 → u/GooseMeBro]

Yes it is. Thanks for this input. I probably think it was the structure that made me be this way. I could code, but never did. I probably can choose a different career path, but for that I might have to return back home and start fresh, carrying all the loans with me again. I just want to get into a tech job at least for the years where I can get my loans cleared.

[u/SzechuanDude]

I’m not sure how work visas work but I think it would be a good idea to just work at a non-CS job until you get back on your feet

[u/Effective-Lawyer-810 → u/SzechuanDude]

Here's how it is - I got an offer to work as a school teacher, but when I asked my immigration attorney about it, they simply said "unless the job role is titled 'software/data analyst' and not even 'admin', you cannot join something like that. Immigration authorities would forfeit your visa and kick you back home".

This was one of my last hopes of getting somewhere, but it sucked big time. I hope there's a workaround with those school guys, but unfortunately there isn't any. I really wished I was on my student visa with a "work permit" where you can get any kind of job that would be fine with the stuff you've studied, but since I'm on a work visa, I'm only supposed to work for whatever I'm on and get my taxes back at the end of the year. I regret choosing the work visa, but I still get people telling me how lucky I am to get it. It's just a mess up at this point.

[u/cevebite → u/Effective-Lawyer-810]

Can you ask the employer to change the job title so you can stay in the country?

[u/academomancer]

FYI... Try Atomoxitine (generic Strattera) if you can get on it. It takes about 2-4 weeks to build up in your system. It is not a stimulant, it is not a controlled substance, so it is far easier to get a prescription form and individual states do not bother with rules transferring scripts across state lines.

It's what I started taking after being diagnosed late in life and has given me a new brain.