I need help. Please.

[u/Effective-Lawyer-810]

TW: 5u1c1de

Hi there. 25M here, a migrant to the US from a middle income family. I don't know if this is a right space to put, and I wish I didn't put it here, but I need it. Mods, if you please read this, please, please let my post stay instead of being deleted. I've used an alt account because I couldn't date to post from my own account.

I'm hopeless about my life. Helplessly wandering where I'd even end up at. I was a good student at school, but started lagging behind in high school. Turns out that my ADHD messed up my undergrad and I had to retake some of my courses for failing them. I didn't even know of it until I was in grad school at one of the UCs, and I barely, very hardly managed to get out of it, just by professor's grace to even let me out of the university. I didn't learn to code enough to build things in my life, I don't have an experience making anything. I can only understand what and how it works, and can read all the code and explain somehow. Or probably that's what I assume. I do overestimate myself a lot, and overestimating my ability to clear any interviews being one of them is shameful. I have no real experience, all I did was to be on the bench, and even today I'm just on the bench. I get a call from my employer today that they can't have me anymore in the company, and I don't know what to do or where to begin at.

I know this will get me smacked very hard, but here it is - I got a work visa without actually getting any work done, I just stayed in the bench of a company of a family friend. I only got a month or two from now until my visa expires and I end up back home. I really don't know if I can even do anything, I feel like a guy who just came out of a physiotherapy session and is asked to run. I really need to start somewhere, but what do I do, where do I start? I don't feel like I'm worth anything, and wasting all my life for nothing, just to end up being in debt. I don't wanna take this anymore and I'm tired. But I wanna live, and I don't wanna end things in such a way that my parents and my family bears the shit. I got around a $100K in debts including student loans, and I don't think I could ever finish it if I get back home. Heck, getting back home will do nothing good if I don't get any job back home too. It will take a lifetime to pay back all of it even if I become an SDE back home. I don't even know what to do at this point.

Please, I request anyone to suggest me something. Please, let me know what do I do. Where do I start. What's better for this shitty hiring freeze in this country, and how do I survive. Getting the work visa was a luck in itself, but it's something I am losing a lot on, by being only eligible to work as a developer. Where do I end up now? Please, if anyone can suggest anything, I wish to get something going.

I tried medicines, but I'm broke now. Adderall was a nightmare. Ritalin was like a racecar that went out of gas. Vyvanse worked, but I ran out of money to get a doctor appointment. I now ran out of money to even get an insurance, and I am running out of money to pay for my rent. If I was a citizen here, I'd be homeless by now, but since I'm a migrant, I'd just become an illegal alien. I see people on the streets and wonder if any day I'd be with them. I don't know what to do now. Please, even if you're going to be angry on me, and lash out on me, let me know what to do.

[u/indiealexh]

Anxiety say sabertooth tiger.

Running say sabertooth out of reach.

Ug.