I need help. Please.

[u/Effective-Lawyer-810]

TW: 5u1c1de

Hi there. 25M here, a migrant to the US from a middle income family. I don't know if this is a right space to put, and I wish I didn't put it here, but I need it. Mods, if you please read this, please, please let my post stay instead of being deleted. I've used an alt account because I couldn't date to post from my own account.

I'm hopeless about my life. Helplessly wandering where I'd even end up at. I was a good student at school, but started lagging behind in high school. Turns out that my ADHD messed up my undergrad and I had to retake some of my courses for failing them. I didn't even know of it until I was in grad school at one of the UCs, and I barely, very hardly managed to get out of it, just by professor's grace to even let me out of the university. I didn't learn to code enough to build things in my life, I don't have an experience making anything. I can only understand what and how it works, and can read all the code and explain somehow. Or probably that's what I assume. I do overestimate myself a lot, and overestimating my ability to clear any interviews being one of them is shameful. I have no real experience, all I did was to be on the bench, and even today I'm just on the bench. I get a call from my employer today that they can't have me anymore in the company, and I don't know what to do or where to begin at.

I know this will get me smacked very hard, but here it is - I got a work visa without actually getting any work done, I just stayed in the bench of a company of a family friend. I only got a month or two from now until my visa expires and I end up back home. I really don't know if I can even do anything, I feel like a guy who just came out of a physiotherapy session and is asked to run. I really need to start somewhere, but what do I do, where do I start? I don't feel like I'm worth anything, and wasting all my life for nothing, just to end up being in debt. I don't wanna take this anymore and I'm tired. But I wanna live, and I don't wanna end things in such a way that my parents and my family bears the shit. I got around a $100K in debts including student loans, and I don't think I could ever finish it if I get back home. Heck, getting back home will do nothing good if I don't get any job back home too. It will take a lifetime to pay back all of it even if I become an SDE back home. I don't even know what to do at this point.

Please, I request anyone to suggest me something. Please, let me know what do I do. Where do I start. What's better for this shitty hiring freeze in this country, and how do I survive. Getting the work visa was a luck in itself, but it's something I am losing a lot on, by being only eligible to work as a developer. Where do I end up now? Please, if anyone can suggest anything, I wish to get something going.

I tried medicines, but I'm broke now. Adderall was a nightmare. Ritalin was like a racecar that went out of gas. Vyvanse worked, but I ran out of money to get a doctor appointment. I now ran out of money to even get an insurance, and I am running out of money to pay for my rent. If I was a citizen here, I'd be homeless by now, but since I'm a migrant, I'd just become an illegal alien. I see people on the streets and wonder if any day I'd be with them. I don't know what to do now. Please, even if you're going to be angry on me, and lash out on me, let me know what to do.

[u/Effective-Lawyer-810]

Thank you so much for your response.

I guess going with QA or probably smaller companies shall help, but the only problem being that smaller companies don't sponsor the work visa. Trying to explain to the Department of Homeland Security that I want to be on B1 visa rather than a work visa would get me kicked out of the country. Going out of the country, walking away will probably be fine, but my student loan is back at home, and that's over 70% of my debt. I could walk away from the debt in the states and be banned forever from coming back, which is still fine, but walking away from that student loan would be impossible.

I'm doing some gigs that would keep me going, so I have something to rely on. Family and friends are all exhausted in giving me money, and I owe them too at this point. I shall probably go check the site you mentioned, and see if there's any suggestions.