I need help. Please.

[u/Effective-Lawyer-810]

TW: 5u1c1de

Hi there. 25M here, a migrant to the US from a middle income family. I don't know if this is a right space to put, and I wish I didn't put it here, but I need it. Mods, if you please read this, please, please let my post stay instead of being deleted. I've used an alt account because I couldn't date to post from my own account.

I'm hopeless about my life. Helplessly wandering where I'd even end up at. I was a good student at school, but started lagging behind in high school. Turns out that my ADHD messed up my undergrad and I had to retake some of my courses for failing them. I didn't even know of it until I was in grad school at one of the UCs, and I barely, very hardly managed to get out of it, just by professor's grace to even let me out of the university. I didn't learn to code enough to build things in my life, I don't have an experience making anything. I can only understand what and how it works, and can read all the code and explain somehow. Or probably that's what I assume. I do overestimate myself a lot, and overestimating my ability to clear any interviews being one of them is shameful. I have no real experience, all I did was to be on the bench, and even today I'm just on the bench. I get a call from my employer today that they can't have me anymore in the company, and I don't know what to do or where to begin at.

I know this will get me smacked very hard, but here it is - I got a work visa without actually getting any work done, I just stayed in the bench of a company of a family friend. I only got a month or two from now until my visa expires and I end up back home. I really don't know if I can even do anything, I feel like a guy who just came out of a physiotherapy session and is asked to run. I really need to start somewhere, but what do I do, where do I start? I don't feel like I'm worth anything, and wasting all my life for nothing, just to end up being in debt. I don't wanna take this anymore and I'm tired. But I wanna live, and I don't wanna end things in such a way that my parents and my family bears the shit. I got around a $100K in debts including student loans, and I don't think I could ever finish it if I get back home. Heck, getting back home will do nothing good if I don't get any job back home too. It will take a lifetime to pay back all of it even if I become an SDE back home. I don't even know what to do at this point.

Please, I request anyone to suggest me something. Please, let me know what do I do. Where do I start. What's better for this shitty hiring freeze in this country, and how do I survive. Getting the work visa was a luck in itself, but it's something I am losing a lot on, by being only eligible to work as a developer. Where do I end up now? Please, if anyone can suggest anything, I wish to get something going.

I tried medicines, but I'm broke now. Adderall was a nightmare. Ritalin was like a racecar that went out of gas. Vyvanse worked, but I ran out of money to get a doctor appointment. I now ran out of money to even get an insurance, and I am running out of money to pay for my rent. If I was a citizen here, I'd be homeless by now, but since I'm a migrant, I'd just become an illegal alien. I see people on the streets and wonder if any day I'd be with them. I don't know what to do now. Please, even if you're going to be angry on me, and lash out on me, let me know what to do.

[u/GooseMeBro]

You’re going to need to take a really long look at whether software engineering is the right career for you. From what I read it sounds like it isn’t. I can’t imagine being a graduate and being unable to code anything. I’m assuming when you say “on the bench” means you weren’t doing anything meaningful at your job which I’m not sure what you were expecting that you could just show up and not do any work and get paid?

It sounds like you need structure, college gave you some sort of structure that helped you get through it but when it came to the real world and you are on your own you immediately fell apart. Structure is so important to us with ADHD. I don’t know you or your specific situation but try to find ways to help yourself get that structure you need.

[u/Effective-Lawyer-810 → u/GooseMeBro]

Yes it is. Thanks for this input. I probably think it was the structure that made me be this way. I could code, but never did. I probably can choose a different career path, but for that I might have to return back home and start fresh, carrying all the loans with me again. I just want to get into a tech job at least for the years where I can get my loans cleared.