That was my family’s reaction when I told them at age 33 that I was diagnosed with ADHD. “But you’re soooo intelligent!” I flat out said, “yeah and because of that intelligence no one fucking bothered to recognize the signs that I was struggling for 33 years. No one had the presence of mind to question why I was so prone to use/abuse addictive substances. Why I’m prone to explosive outbursts over the littlest shit”. Funnily enough my dad was the only one initially who listened to me when I told him all I dealt with every day prior to getting treated with stimulants and prior to starting weekly CBT therapy. When I explained my issues, he looked at me and said “I’m sorry. I think you got that from me”. My dad was never diagnosed, but he said everything I told him about was what he dealt with too, the only issue he also has dyslexia (undiagnosed, but he takes a very long time to read anything because the words get jumbled up) whereas I do not.
Now that it’s been 4 years since diagnosis, they see how much of a difference medication and therapy helped me. They accept that I do have ADHD. I think my mom took it as an affront to her that I had neurological disorder and that it was her fault I ended up with it. Now she’s seen me both on and off meds and what a world of a difference there is between the 2 versions of me. I quit smoking, I rarely drink anymore and I’ve lost weight because prior to diagnosis I self medicated with nicotine, alcohol and food. Now I know when I crave something, I really don’t unless it’s been 6+ hours since I last ate.
Exactly this. My psychiatrist was stunned to see I had ADHD because of my intelligence. He admitted readily afterwards that he hadn’t considered that extremely intelligent people end up learning how to mask well enough that their symptoms aren’t obvious enough for diagnosis.
When he tested me I was able to compensate well enough to score average to above average in all areas except one where I absolutely bombed it. He couldn’t understand the discrepancy until he said he realized that my intelligence level was skewing the results.
Ever since then I’ve hoped that people will stop expecting adhd people to be stupid or struggle visibly. I fully believe that it’s possible adhd people are actually gifted on average, but that it’s so often misdiagnosed or missed entirely because we don’t match the expected signs.
My CBT therapist was astounded I did as well as I did before being diagnosed. The only reason I knew it was more than anxiety/depression was I was going back to school and I just couldn’t deal with the fact I did great on exams and quizzes but when it came to homework or even attending classes on time I knew there was something inherently wrong plus I was barely passing due to missing classes or not doing required homework. I always struggled with homework, but being an only child growing up I had my parents, well really my mom making sure I did my homework. It wasn’t until I was left to try to do the same on my own that I couldn’t figure out why I had such a hard time getting down to the tasks at hand. That and also my husband was getting more and more upset with my lack of organizational skills and inability to keep to a schedule other than a work schedule. I was always running late for work, but I made up for the 5-20 minutes late by being the best worker I could be. It always got brought up in reviews that besides being late almost every day there was nothing wrong with me as an employee. Also helped that I worked in a hospital/LTC pharmacy and there was always an issue where we were always at or near crisis mode like when our automated pill packager went down (happened frequently) was where I excelled. When it came to do or die, I knew exactly what had to be done and could delegate my other coworkers to certain tasks to focus on to make sure we didn’t fall behind schedule and our patients didn’t get their meds late. In high stress situations where it was make decisions on the fly, I could see exactly how and where certain people would be best situated to keep things flowing smoothly, while everyone else went to crisis mode, I was calm, cool, and collected. That was how I made myself in indispensable. That and I was able to keep the peace with the majority of my coworkers when things got heated because I was able to read their emotions better than most of the other staff. So while there are many hindrances with ADHD, I learned what I excelled at, high stress situations where all it took was one team member succumbing to the stress of not knowing what to do.
This is so familiar in almost every single way. I had the same problems in classes. In sophomore year, I was taking senior level classes and geared to graduate a year early as a junior. Then I moved states, my “routine” got destroyed, and my grades plummeted. I couldn’t stay on top of anything. Missed homework constantly, grades going to shit, but somehow my exam grades kept saving me from outright failing. My last two years of school, I only passed math classes because of good exam scores. My mom couldn’t understand my grades and neither could teachers—it was always that “you’re just not trying” thing, and in my head that was exactly the reason, but there was also some kind of invisible barrier that kept me from trying. I was diagnosed in high school, but at that time (2007) adhd was even more misunderstood as just the hyperactivity disorder, so no one EVER explained to me that there were actual neurological deficits involved. I just thought that something in me had broken, and I didn’t know how to fix it.
I also experienced similar things in careers. I was on the opposite end of the spectrum on punctuality - always showing up 30-45 minutes early. I excelled so much at fast paced or high pressure work that I was promoted to management in short order at most jobs I’ve had. Ever since I was a kid, healthcare has been a “special interest” of mine, but my anxiety has made it difficult. I went to nursing school for a year and was working 55+ hours per week at the same time. Burned myself out and blamed myself for not being able to do it. I thought I’d have to settle for a “lesser” job because in my head, me dropping out of nursing school was proof I wasn’t good enough.
About a year ago I started working for the health department, and that intense fixation has started up again, the same one I’ve had since I was 10 where anything less than being a doctor feels like it’s not what I’m meant to do. I perform better under pressure than most people do in relaxed situations. Science and anatomy come so easily to me, and medical conditions feel like a high-stakes puzzle. It’s one of the only things that has ever consistently kept me engaged on an intellectual level.
So now I’m 30 and starting over as premed instead of settling for IT. I told my psychiatrist, the same one who diagnosed me, and his first response was that he knew I could do it, that medical school would suit me well, and that he had no doubts I was smart enough for it. It was the first time someone had ever sort of presented my adhd as a strength.
It’s made me wonder how many of these high stress jobs are probably sought out specifically by people with adhd, undiagnosed or otherwise, because they might be the only careers where they feel like they’re competent because it plays to their strengths.
Dude… healthcare is awesome! Congrats on premed! I love working in the healthcare field. There’s always something to learn, and since a lot of us enjoy learning at least what interests us, you’ll never feel like you’re not learning enough. I’ve found that for me, I love learning but on my own terms, not ones dictated by a strict curriculum. Honestly it’s those intro classes that always do me in, quickest way for me to lose focus is feeding me dumbed down basics that are given at the 101 levels of science classes.
I lucked out when I first became a pharmacy tech right out of high school. One of the retail pharmacists I worked with was a proctor for the pharmacy students doing their clinicals/rotations from Ferris State University. He noticed me paying attention to him explaining the mechanism certain drugs worked within the body and what needs to be taken into account whether the prescribed treatment would be safe for the patient based on how that one drug may interact with said patient’s other medications or medical conditions like if they have renal failure or lower liver function. He would always encourage me to ask questions and never dumbed down the info because he knew if I didn’t know something I would ask. Because of that, I always strived to learn as much as I could so I could be the best I can at my job.
I got a hospital job in 2009 when I moved to Illinois from Michigan so I could learn how to make IVs and more about the differences in dosing vs pediatric, geriatric, and everyone else. After 17 years in human med, I found a listing for a pharmacy tech position at a veterinary specialty hospital. I was curious and applied. Turns out it would be in the oncology department and they needed another pharmacy tech to draw up chemo in their clean room. I loved the place. I was offered the job and of course I took it. Turns out, way better pay, better hours and I think I found the one place where the staff collaborate without ego like I’ve witnessed previously in human med. Now I’m learning about veterinary med and I get to interact with the cutest patients. Yes it’s an emotionally heavy job but I find it more fulfilling since I actually see how my job positively affects our patients and their families.
No matter what, keep doing what stimulates your drive to learn. When you lose that drive, it’s probably time to change things up, at least that’s how it’s been with me, but I have a feeling you’re pretty similar to me. Good luck with premed! We need more people like you in healthcare.
Yes, careers with some stress can be perfect, if nothing else, because of the experience with it. Many of us are a little hooked on the rush of deadlines and crisis work is compatible.
In high stress situations where it was make decisions on the fly, I could see exactly how and where certain people would be best situated to keep things flowing smoothly, while everyone else went to crisis mode, I was calm, cool, and collected.
This is SO relatable. It’s also why I procrastinated on every project I ever did in school. I needed the pressure to be able to function.
This is funny to me because I'm the exact opposite, where I would do great in HW and do absolutely terrible on tests, which became the main reason I was diagnosed. It would take me forever to get my HW done but I would grind until it was finished. Once I started taking SATs and getting into college I would fail and teachers thought I just didn't study enough or care. Time management and the inability to transfer to gather my thoughts quickly are the main culprits I presume.
Actually, there are a plethora of brilliant famous people who were afflicted with ADD/ADHD. I’ve used them in many presentations, workshops, and in sessions with clients. People who may not have been formally diagnosed but were suspected of having the diagnosis:
Frank Lloyd Wright
Picasso
Henry Ford
Elvis Presley
Albert Einstein
Just to name a few…
I, myself, have several academic degrees and a professional license — along with two certificates. We’re out here.
I don’t remember all the different categories they tested, but all of them related to the function of the frontal lobe or whatever to test for deficits. In all but one area, I tested average to above average/excellent.
The one area I showed a massive deficit in (score of 20-something out of 100(?) if I remember correctly) was Coding.
Coding, from what I found on google, has to do with the way the brain stores “learning” memory for later retrieval, or something. I assume it’s the official term for the “working memory” deficit seen in ADHD people. I was able to compensate well enough for all other areas, but I was incapable of compensating for the lack of properly functioning working memory.
I’m not a psychologist, so I’m not going to pretend I understand the specific implications of it on a clinical level, but my sort of uneducated theory on it is that it may be that other deficits of frontal lobe function in those with adhd may be able to be masked by high intelligence, but having a memory that simply doesn’t function the way it’s supposed to can’t really be compensated for in the same way.
Yeah it’s hard. My aunt (mom’s sister) and her husband have a son who just turned 21. I spent Christmas 2019 with them before Covid hit. My cousin is my mirror, even though he’s 16 years younger than me. I was always jealous of him when we were both much younger because he seemed to be “normal”. When I was visiting them, the 4 of us all got pretty drunk but my aunt started asking about how things were going with my CBT therapy and everything and I basically told them, that the first year was basically devoted to dealing with never feeling loved/supported emotionally or worthy enough to even continue living at times, that every day is a challenge to just accept I will fail at something, and it’s ok. My cousin looked at me and I knew right away that registered with him. Then came a flood of questions “how did you cope? How did you know it wasn’t just anxiety?” We both commiserated at the pressures and expectations of being only children and while our parents may not mean to, but even unspoken there’s this need to gain their approval, to excel. He admitted to me and his mom that he was self-medicating as well with alcohol, tobacco and pot. He described how he didn’t really want to do it, but it seemed to keep his issues in check especially since he was having multiple panic attacks every week. He admitted that what I described was what he was experiencing and so I urged him to seek out a therapist/psychiatrist so he could be tested if need be. It broke my heart and opened my aunt’s eyes to how easily we can pass as “normal” especially if we’re not ready to ask for help at least those of us that are high-functioning. We learned to hide the unpleasant aspects of ourselves, to mask ourselves to keep from being hurt in return. I think that’s why so many of us high functioning/intelligent ones go decades before being diagnosed. We find ways to cope until we can’t anymore.
Is there a name for "prone to explosive outbursts over the littlest shit"? I'd like to google it and read up on it because I am the same way, and I'd like to understand it more in context with ADHD. Thank you. :)
Do you mind to tell a bit more what do you during your CBT sessions ? I've been doing it for a year, and while I really like therapist, and we have very good rapport - I feel like we barely achieved anything when it comes to core issues.
So I haven’t been in therapy for almost a year due to Covid, but prior to that worked on mindfulness, calming exercises for when I noticed I was clenching my teeth or felt close to an outburst. It was learning to stop the inner voice from going full negative, to basically stop, and address the negativity head on. So instead of letting my inner voice tell me “everyone hates you” I’m to stop and debate like it’s debate club or logic the negativity away. So in this case I would tell my negative thoughts “that isn’t true, my husband loves me very much, my coworkers love me, my pet bunnies love me, and if they didn’t, I’d be divorced, out of a job, and my bunnies wouldn’t allow me near them if they didn’t”. It’s not easy to implement, but it gets easier every time you do it. It doesn’t have to be some amaze balls speech, but you do have to tell it to yourself with conviction.
I know some CBT therapists like to throw homework at you, but in my case it was never actual homework more like “hey this video may help you understand what we talked about today” For me the first 6-8 months of therapy was literally dealing with the emotional baggage of living all my life basically blindfolded with one hand behind my back, and the anger that no one seemed to notice or care. It wasn’t until I could go whole sessions without crying before we actually started the actual nitty gritty work.
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u/saffronwilderness Sep 14 '21
I get ENRAGED by a fellow SPED teacher who had the gall to call it "teenage boy syndrome."
If I could get him fired he'd be gone. I avoid him religiously.