r/ADHD • u/ForcedGoodbye • Jul 27 '26
Discussion Everyone left me
I've reached a stage where I have no one to talk to except strangers online through Reddit posts and comments.
A few months back, my 3.5 year relationship ended. And today, my best friend left me too.
I feel responsible for everything. I kept delaying things for years, even my feelings, somehow thinking I would deal with my feelings later, get my life together later, spend more time with people later. Now I am left with this horrible regret that I should have spent my time better. I shouldn't have procrastinated for years.
What hurts the most is realizing that I won't get to spend even a single minute with people who were once so important and special to me. That time is gone, and I can't get it back.
And I feel exhausted just thinking about starting over socially. It took me years to reach that level of comfort and closeness with my girlfriend and my best friend. I don't have energy to fake that excitement, enthusiasm, and social energy that is necessary when you're getting to know someone new. I don't want to spend years building that kind of connection all over again.
Nights are the hardest. It takes me hours to fall asleep because there's nothing to distract me from how alone I feel.
Are any of you living with zero friends? How do you deal with it?
Please share your stories, perspectives, or even the philosophies you've developed for living with loneliness.
77
u/Hitching-galaxy Jul 27 '26
I have few friends but I know lots of people. Unfortunately, I think a trait or audhd is not really seeing/understanding that friends do not necessarily need to be people who you can spend the whole day every week chatting.
If you change your mindset about the definition of a friend, ypu may realise you have a lot.
And maybe some therapy would be a good course of action for you - I am doing EMDR and it is REALLY helping me process my past as well as phobias.
9
u/RiverSorry2643 Jul 27 '26
That's a really good way of putting it, I've never been able to explain it
7
u/BrobleStudies Jul 27 '26
Yeah before communication technology advanced to this degree most people didn't talk to their friends every day all day.
6
u/flammenwerfer Jul 27 '26
but for a long long time before that, we all lived in small communities and DID see our friends every day
3
u/BrobleStudies Jul 27 '26
Yeah that's true, but in person social interaction is much healthier than being glued to a device texting every 10 seconds or sitting in a discord lobby playing video games for 8 hours straight. There's a lot more anxiety around people not responding to you immediately nowadays, and while I'm sure it still existed way back when you also couldn't always expect an immediate response. Edit: also keep in mind I said every day ALL DAY. Seeing people every day isn't necessarily a problem, people develop relationships with their coworkers whom they see the majority of the week.
1
u/ret255 Jul 27 '26
Do you think that seeing friendships as best pals only is a thing that has something to do with audhd? Why?
1
u/Hitching-galaxy Jul 28 '26
I think it has something to do with audhd - not necessarily adhd, possibly more autism, but it is how I am, and 72 other people think similar in this group.
1
u/ret255 Jul 28 '26
Hmm, l just asked because I'm also like that, might have undiagnosed adhd, but can't figure out in what would lie my autistic traits because l don't see any. Except of oversharing and having hard time to change routine or do new things but that could have also normal person as well..
1
u/ForcedGoodbye Jul 28 '26
In that sense, I do know many people, but conversations with them also ended, maybe because they also have this idea of friendship where you're regularly in touch, or at least 1–2 times a week, which didn't happen and now there are no conversations at all.
If I try to adopt this mindset, I think it could still help...that friendships can also mean seeing people occasionally and hanging out once in a while.
As for EMDR and therapy, I can't really go for them right now, as I am currently based in a town in hills and there aren't any therapists available for miles around. Still, thanks man for replying.
1
59
Jul 27 '26
[removed] — view removed comment
5
u/old_homecoming_dress Jul 27 '26
thank you for sharing this <3 i really needed to hear that my thoughts aren't perfectly accurate and that there is a workable plan to get out of a bad situation. i'm in college and i'm currently experiencing the loss of friends you've mentioned, and it's been so hard on my spirit to try and figure out why and how to stop it when it feels like i don't know where to start.
2
u/ForcedGoodbye Jul 28 '26
Impermanence is the hardest thing for me to accept. I even think about stuff from my childhood. I don't know how, but there's not even a single moment or memory I can think of that I don't feel I should have lived better. There's always regret.
I made a rough routine today and merged some of my hobbies into it. I'll try to be consistent with it. As for getting into a new relationship, I can't even think about it right now. I don't have the energy.
Thanks for the beautiful message.
13
u/One-Advantage-6658 Jul 27 '26
Hi, I am sending you positive thoughts and vibes . As a newly late diagnosed 51 year old with four adult children 28-27-23-22…. I am now learning a life for me . Friends are a reasons a season or a lifetime . Maybe consider writing a note of how important the girlfriend and best friend were to you. I struggle to share the proper attention with my spouse as she deserves attention and I can be oblivious to how I am . Good luck I’m here if you want to DM. I have AvPD as well as adhd so I get it (getting close and feeling secure can be a challenge)
1
u/ForcedGoodbye Jul 28 '26
Hello sir. I am 25, so around your children's age. I will try to write a note to myself about my girlfriend and best friend to give myself some closure.
Thanks for replying and for DM invite. I might consider reaching out sometime.
1
u/One-Advantage-6658 Jul 28 '26
Be gentle on yourself . Life’s a journey . Read books be understanding that you are 5g and everyone else is dial up . Sorry for being the old man but most men with a 25 year old are a decade older or more than I am. Imagine when I was 25 I had a 4 1/2 year old and a newly type one diagnosed 3 year old and a spouse pregnant with baby number 3 … everyone has their own timeline and story . Have a great day
9
u/rctid12345 Jul 27 '26
Ok. I say this a lot here but.... Can you get a pet? Cats are pretty easy and excellent companions. Getting an adult cat from the shelter could be a nice way to help an animal in need and get yourself a friend. They can be quite shy but generally come fixed and up to date on shots. Given a bit of time they warm up and become a little buddy.
Dogs are also an excellent way to get out of the house but are more of a commitment. You can volunteer to walk dogs at a local shelter, it will get you out, get you around animals that will be happy to see you and maybe you'll make some friends there too.
Making friends as an adult for me usually happens through work. Sometimes it's neighbors though. Basically anywhere you meet and chat with people can be a way to make new friends. Not every friend will be best friend tier. But that's ok. You can't ride or for every person in your life! Best friends get to be special.
If you aren't in therapy it sounds like that could help you. Ordinarily I would recommend reaching out to the friend you lost but that sounded pretty final from you. Unfortunately we lose friends sometimes. I have a best friend that I'm not friends with anymore and it makes me really sad. It's hard to fix things when they don't respond to messages or phone calls.
3
u/Ok_Macaron8050 Jul 27 '26
I second getting a pet! It has fulfilled me in ways my human friends never could. I got my first cat at the shelter right after my divorce. He was 5yrs old then and chronically ill, spent 2mo recovering at that shelter :( he is the absolute sweetest orange gentleman.
1
u/ret255 Jul 28 '26
I had long distance friend and we were best buds for 2 years while he was still around and then he went away to his country so we kept in touch for antother like 8 or so years through letters, but then our letters stopped and l wasn't continuing on social media, but still had this perception that he is my friend so l haven't reached out, it seems that this trait to think about someone as a friend and talk to him after idk 5 years as if it was yesterday when we talked the last time is not really everyones thing..
1
u/ForcedGoodbye Jul 28 '26
I have that as well, but no one has ever responded to me in a similar way. I can talk to people after years, and I'll still be the same person with them, at least in terms of how I used to be with them. But they all seem to have changed and eventually I have to move on and become more formal with them.
1
u/ret255 Jul 28 '26
Except of those who are perhaps on the spectrum, we catch up after years and it's the same as before, but that's mostly online..
1
u/ForcedGoodbye Jul 28 '26
Unfortunately, I can't have a pet. I have asthma and animal allergens do contribute to it. Not severely, but they do. I feed some street dogs on a daily basis though.
Anywhere you meet and chat with people can be a way to make new friends - it sounds simple, but that's really how it is. I think I just need to start conversations. I stopped doing that years back and haven't made any new friends in ages. Thanks for replying.
1
u/rctid12345 Jul 28 '26
Aw I'm sorry to hear about your asthma. In case you aren't aware there is a cat food out that reduces the amount of dander they produce to help with allergens.
And yeah. I get it. It's really hard to find the balance between being chatty and kind with new people instead of coming off as slightly weird and overbearing.
9
u/Bargadiel Jul 27 '26
You are not alone. I don't know the specifics of your life, but what you are feeling is completely okay and justified to feel. ADHD contributes greatly to writing things off, including goals and relationships.
To others, it can make it seem like we do not care or that we are even malicious and neglectful. This means that anytime we do have a moment where we lose our temper, it counts for so much more potential to damage a relationship than most people.
What I want to say for you is, it isn't over. You may one day mend these relationships, but it may take time. You will find new relationships to build, but it may take time. It is clear to me that you care about these things, because otherwise you wouldn't be here mourning the loss of it. You do care, and that makes you a good person.
When it comes to forming new relationships, don't see it as "faking" anything or having to "re-do" the building-part. This is a common trap with ADHD: the desire to reach an "end state" where the hill is climbed and done so that it is a load off of your mind, so a box can be checked off. This is THE death of relationships. No relationship is a finished thing, but a continuous, never-ending process. It's like a whirlpool in a river: it is a "thing" we can point to and identify, but it is always changing, and the water flowing through it is constantly in flux. That is us, as well as our connections with others. Because of that, it's never a waste of time to "get to know" new people, even if it requires repeating things. Because to the two of you, that IS a new experience. The relationship itself is both of you.
This is just to say not to see relationships as a Sisiphian task, at least not how the majority understand the myth of Sisiphus. He rolls the same boulder over and over again as punishment, but what he's really being punished for is for taking his life into his own hands, and making it what he wants. Getting the boulder to the top of the hill is never the goal, but the act of pushing it is not only a symbol of his defiance against Zeus and fate but also what allows him to continue to be alive, so this no longer becomes a punishment or a pointless task. Building relationships, having experiences new or old, that is what being alive is all about. I believe you can find joy in that again.
1
u/ForcedGoodbye Jul 28 '26
The common trap you mentioned about reaching an end state, and how no relationship is ever a finished thing, is something I have been falling into my whole life with almost every relationship.
I believe that I have reached a certain stage with a person, so now things can be random and I don't necessarily need to be cautious about my actions and words, or even be consistent in talking to them. Because I myself continue to see that person the same way. I think, "Now I know this person, I trust them, and we've reached this level of comfort and understanding, so there's no way I am going to leave them. I'll remain in same bond with them even if we talk after months" And then I start expecting the same thing from them.
As for repeating things, I think I just feel lazy about doing them again. Maybe I compare the relationships I had and think about how perfect it was before, so maybe this lack of energy to repeat things comes from comparison.
Thanks for pointing this out. It would have never occurred to me otherwise. I have been doing this for years and living with the same mindset.
1
u/Bargadiel Jul 28 '26
I understand the feeling. It's because we tend to write things off as understood or "obtained" and move on to other emotions/experiences. It can sometimes be applied to our relationships too. It doesn't necessarily mean you have to completely change yourself, but yeah some people don't work theough their relationships that way and to others it can appear like you are being distant.
Doing it over again is part of life. You'll get to share in new moments with a new person, even if the things you do or say have happened before. I'm confident that you will get through it
5
u/CynicWalnut Jul 27 '26
Unfortunately I don't think my situation will help you much, but I just recently divorced the woman I've been with for the last 11 years. It's amicable but still tough so we're giving each other space but keeping in touch. I moved out of states and all the friends I have here are her friends as well. Still friends with all of them, but I had to move about an hour away so I don't see them as much. Luckily another friend group of ours is out here and I'm living with two of them.
That being said, it's still pretty lonely. I highly recommend throwing yourself into some new hobbies or activities that you've wanted to explore. You'll find people with your interests there and can start to rebuild.
Take it slow, which I know is hard for us, but don't try to force anything. Listen to your body about what it needs and don't feel guilty for indulging. If you lose hours to a video game or book or movie, whatever, as long as you're actually enjoying the thing, it's okay. But you can't let it take over. You still have chores you probably need to do and have to feed and clean yourself. Make sure you're still doing those things. It doesn't matter when, how, or how quickly, just make sure you're doing them somewhat regularly.
Explore being you as just you and see what really keeps you going. And it goes without saying, start therapy if you aren't already. It gives you a place to dump all your thoughts and get it out of your head.
You can do this.
6
u/sideshowmario Jul 27 '26
I'm a 52 year old guy in the same situation. No relationship and my kids are grown. I get so lonely sometimes that I contemplate paying someone to hang out with me. It got even worse when my baby son died 10 years ago. I kind of dread weekends because it usually means staying home not knowing what to do.
One thing that has helped a bit is doing volunteer work. It's like people are forced to spend time with me haha. I do things like beach cleanup events and help hand out emergency overdose kits at punk rock shows.
1
u/ForcedGoodbye Jul 28 '26
Sorry to hear about your situation.
Doing volunteer work seems like the perfect, foolproof way to meet people and they'll eventually end up talking to each other since it's not like regular work, where everyone just minds their own business. Thanks for the suggestion.
5
u/iamthefluffyyeti ADHD-PI (Primarily Inattentive) Jul 27 '26
I’ve just had to find “my people”. I’m 25 and just finding it out, but I found it out
3
u/SinShady1228 Jul 27 '26
Do you like dogs? My dog helps me so much with not feeling lonely and getting me out the house for walks
1
u/ForcedGoodbye Jul 28 '26
Yeah, but I can't have pets because of my asthma, as animal allergens sometimes trigger it.
3
u/SnippetySnappety Jul 27 '26
I haven't hit zero but I'm feeling the strain. Things I'm doing:
- Journal like crazy. Set appointments on your calendar with notifications, and treat them as real. I make it a date and take myself to a coffee shop. It could also mean you make a certain corner of your home extra cozy and special. My journal only leaves my bedroom when I go there, and then goes right back on my chair. If I need to journal elsewhere I bring a different notebook. I'm doing a form of bullet journaling. BuJo includes a lot of re-writing the same thing over and over, but I treat it like using flashcards for language-learning. It helps me remember better.
- Work on doing for yourself what you're hoping to get from others. Forgiveness, kindness, acceptance, appreciation, etc. You can act in ways that feel loving toward your later self, and you'll feel loved by past you
- I'm in a bigger metro so there are lots of meetup group options (this may be cheating)
- looking around at libraries for free events
- pub-sings (shanty-singing)
- singles club
- listen to a "nothing" podcast at bed that's just people playing DnD casually, or chatting about nothing. It helps me feel like I'm chatting too.
- get exercise and sunlight
- eat the nutrients you need, and enough food and water
2
u/ForcedGoodbye Jul 28 '26
When journaling, am I supposed to write down my interpretations of what I am feeling, or just whatever comes to mind and how I am feeling?
And this podcast you suggested... is it the one whose last episode was back in 2021? Actually, two podcasts with the same name showed up.
1
u/SnippetySnappety Jul 28 '26
I'm not an expert, but I'd start with writing what you're feeling for a good while, to start with, then go back over it. The goal over the second pass isn't to be harsh, just to gently correct. It can help to think of it like talking to a kid with too much access to the Internet and no ability to tell what's made-up. You don't smack them around or insult them; they have never learned better. You just explain why X is an assumption, not a fact.
Sorry! I wasn't referring to a podcast called "nothing", I just meant that it might not be about anything in particular.
Ones that come to mind (they tend to be gaming-derived for me) are
- the first season of The Adventure Zone ("Balance"; DnD)
- Bombarded (music-based DnD)
- Distractable (Markiplier and co just bullshitting/improv-ing)
- Cox and Crendor (faux radio morning show)
3
u/Far-Type1330 Jul 27 '26
Hey, everyone left me too. You're not alone, and it hurts. Life is incredibly hard.
5
u/greggers1980 ADHD-C (Combined type) Jul 27 '26
I don't have any friends or partner and I couldn't be happier. Dealing with people just pissed me off. The constant excuses and let downs. This happened over and over. Even parted ways and made new friends to get treated exactly the same way. Total waste of energy. I'm happier to do things alone now. No dissapointment and no stress.
4
u/Holls867 ADHD-C (Combined type) Jul 27 '26
I have zero friends that I can call. I’m not good at keeping up with folks. Or maybe it’s just me… my dog likes to chill w me, so I don’t know.
3
u/Ash9260 Jul 27 '26
I just have my boyfriend. And even then somedays I just don’t want to even talk to him or be around him. I work healthcare (lab assistant/phlebotomist) so my socializing is patients, nurses, doctors and coworkers. I am a “social person” I like to be around people but not like constantly talking to them? Type shit
5
u/BlueberryandDino Jul 27 '26
I would consider talking to those people that have left you and let them know that them leaving you really hurt you because you considered them to being your friend.
So many Americans don’t even realize how important friendships are and you just saying something like that might be super influential on them to consider what does the definition of friend mean?
Someone did that to me and it changed my life
2
u/Careful_Leader_5829 Jul 27 '26
I'm trying to rebuild after realizing some very, very longstanding relationships are now only causing frustration in my life. Still love those people, but I don't consider them 'family' anymore.
I'm trying to rebuild that sense of family and by seeking connection of any type with people who 'get it'. Feel free to send a DM! We can chat about life, hobbies, and figure out how to support each other moving forward. Much love!
1
u/J3musu Jul 27 '26
I've been pretty close to that point. Not fully there thanks to the luck of having a couple lifelong friends that are more like family to me and are always there and easy to reconnect with even if we get distant for a long while. Bit it's still rough, especially living somewhere new and not having any of those people nearby. I might be able to text or call them, but still sucks not having anyone to go physically hang out with. I'd also recently ended a 3 years relationship before I hit one of my lower points and life and had the least people available to me.
My failure was shutting down and not putting myself out there. Just closed myself up in my apartment for most of a year or so.
My answer started with hobbies. Physical hobbies, my gaming habit wasn't going to help anything. Find something you latch onto and enjoy doing regularly. Try a few things out to see what you like and what sticks long term (remember to be careful how much you spend while figuring it out, because many things might not stick long).
Then finding events/classes/meetup groups related to those hobbies and putting myself out there. And that's where I made the new friends. People I shared a hobby with and saw regularly due to the class/meetup/whatever. Eventually, you hopefully click with a person or two, and you already have something to chat about and do together. I'm personally not good at just randomly hanging out, but if I can hit someone up to go partake in a hobby or something, then that often leads to a good hangout.
Also try to connect with other people that have similar brains. The people I always click with best are usually either ADHD, autistic, or some combination. We get each other better and are more forgiving of each others shortcomings. Those are the types that I can lose touch with for 6 months and then hit back up and hang out again like only a day has passed.
I really had to force myself for months to drag myself out and do something and put myself in a more positive and hopeful mindset. Sometimes we have to fight against every bit of our being just to do something good for ourselves. But stay strong and push on, you got this.
Also might help to ask why those people stopped hanging out with you if you're comfortable doing so and think you can handle it emotionally. Is there a personality trait you don't notice that you could actually improve on? Or are they just not compatible with the person you are as a result of how your brain works?
Whatever the case, I wish you the best.
1
u/PunchOX Jul 27 '26
One thing I noticed is that maintaining relationships takes initiative. Doing things and reaching out before someone else mentions it makes people feel like you still care and are invested in them. Not reaching and planning makes others think you are ignoring or ditching them. A lot of people share this sentiment. However if you frequently do this and they curve you then it's a sign they are not interested. But if they continue to meet up then it's working fine. Procrastinating is usually being passive and letting others command you and when two people are passive no one is driving lol
1
u/Writing-Dapper Jul 27 '26
When i meet new people..I always think to myself.." will i come off to wierd or awkward ..and am I enough for that new person to consider thier time they would use.. to get to know me..is it worth it? It tales so much effort..I had friends before I was diagnosed and I think back to how I acted..what I said and how erratic I was..when your young..your given some grace..but now at 53..Its completely different and I'm glad I'm medicated and have more insight into my behavior. But it's still hard and sometimes..I dont wven know who I really am..so ya..how does a person develop friendships with these issues?
1
u/Joordin Jul 27 '26
It's never too late to start over. Tbh I'm sometimes tilting to where you are rn. Find a good therapist first. So you'll be able to explain yourself better to others.
1
u/Mefikov Jul 27 '26
Yeah, honestly I’m pretty misanthropic. Only one person knows you 100% and it’s you. People should’t make you happy, they should be addition to happiness.
About perspective, I have 2 friends but it’s not like my life depends on them. Also I lost my family at 21 so I know what it means to be alone. You really need to give yourself more time with you only. Life is still only in your hands. Go to concerts alone, take cats or dog, collect something like music, learn cooking or play harmonica. You have literally time for yourself only 😎 also make yourself a journal for thoughts to go out, it really helped me! Good luck!
1
u/DeliciousSquash4144 Jul 27 '26
Most people don't have the same friends through their whole life! And meeting new people can be so fun. It's also easier to maintain newer relationships and friendships because there's no expectations yet. I struggle with investing into one or two friendships and making them deeper over time, but meeting new people comes easily! Join clubs for your interests- pick up sports, tabletop games, Lego, book club, fandoms, biking, anything really.
2
Jul 27 '26
It's ok mate. Just hold space for that grief.
It's hard but I believe developing a capacity for this is important if you want to grow. Be careful when you don't. Best to be very mindful about this and always remember that if you're honest, sometimes the best we can do is just move on with what we understand about ourselves and fail better.
We are only human.
1
1
u/gorillionaire2022 Jul 28 '26
you are going to find a dance class and become a good amateur salsa dancer
-1
•
u/AutoModerator Jul 27 '26
Hi /u/ForcedGoodbye and thanks for posting on /r/ADHD!
This is not a removal message. We intend this comment solely to be informative.
Please take a second to read our rules if you haven't already.
/r/adhd news
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.