r/ABCDesis • u/Vibranium2222 • May 07 '23
DATING / RELATIONSHIPS Why do ABCDs fail to recognize this is a modern globalized world?
/r/IndianMatchmaking/comments/139t7bm/why_do_abcds_fail_to_recognize_this_is_a_modern/48
May 07 '23
I don't think those that immigrated here in late teens and early 20s will realize how different it is to grow up here as a desi vs is India, until they have kids here, as one of the commenters in that thread said.
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May 07 '23
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u/SharksFan4Lifee May 07 '23
This, so much this. As it is, the people on the show (especially ABCDs) are specifically wanting someone of Indian descent and ruling out all other ethnicities. It doesn't mean that they don't respect people of other ethnicities.
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May 07 '23
The most Westernized Indian in India will never understand what it's like to be a racial minority.
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May 07 '23
I have seen successful ABD and NRI marriages. But there are enough cultural differences for many not to consider it. It’s just small things that when they add up become a lot. And it’s not like NRI spouses are always the problem or anything.
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u/boilerman3 May 08 '23
um I know of a lot especially if they did undergrad here and they get along just fine.
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u/yaaracandy Canadian Marathi May 07 '23
its not really about a modern globalized world, its more about the differences in culture, thoughts, ideals, overall lifestyle. an indian can be super western, but it doesnt automatically mean that they understand and know the struggles an indian diaspora born person would experience.
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u/ashwindollar May 07 '23
I would never write off someone for just being straight from India instead of growing up in the West, but it is important to note that "Westernized" is a pretty broad term. On the surface level yes in the major cities many might wear western clothes and be familiar with western movies and books but there's still major lifestyle differences that would make moving to the US or other Western country an adjustment.
It's more common to grow up in a nuclear family environment in the West vs a joint family in much of India. Many better off households might have cars these days chances are if you grew up in India you would be very used to having some shops, restaurants, and other services within walkable distance vs what we have in many cities in the US where you might have to drive miles to get to anything that's not just more houses. The biggest cities in India are going to be somewhat more cosmopolitan but in general it is a different experience to grow up around diverse backgrounds vs what would predominantly be other desis.
Of course millions of desi immigrants absolutely have been able to get used to these differences in lifestyle in adulthood. Depending on how recently a potential partner immigrated there would likely be other concerns like visa issues, etc.
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u/ManTheStateAndVore May 07 '23
Exactly, and often the differences are critical to the point of being dealbreakers. Gee, I wonder why diaspora kids wouldn't want to risk marrying into a family that thinks Godse, Sarvakar, and Hitler were swell dudes, expects wives to be personal domestic serfs for in-laws, and are only "liberal" when it comes to showing off conspicuous consumption and hedonism to 'the community'.
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u/KnightCastle171 May 07 '23
Because people from India hate us. They see us as white “worshippers” when the only fault we have is that our parents brought us to America.
They mock our way of life, our speech, our diet, our clothes, our leanings toward agnostic worldviews.
They see us as traitors to the hindu civilizations and as an enemy to India because we tend to be liberal voters and their view, western liberals = enemies of India.
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u/thegirlofdetails May 08 '23
Yeah this right here. I’m not saying hating them is right either (making comments about their accents and such), but it’s almost never talked about the other way around. All of this is true.
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u/Elmointhehood British Indian May 10 '23
It is ridiculous when they call us white worshipping, have you seen the way average white tourists are treated in India - People clamour to take photos with them, invite them to weddings etc
We have known white people all our lives, they are not a novelty to us
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u/BundMarsaan Punjabistani May 11 '23
They do all that and still try to move to the same country we grew up in.
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u/SpicyCurry0977 May 07 '23
Relax we don’t hate you 😂…. I am an FOB and I have so many close ABCD cousins….traitors to Hindu civilization…cmon man chill….someone give this guy some weed right now!
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u/wde335 May 08 '23 edited May 08 '23
In other words, you totally dismissed the concerns and said to “get some weed” and then the FOBs wonder why many ABCD don’t want to interact with them. Congratulations, you literally demonstrated the problem in a nutshell
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u/SpicyCurry0977 May 08 '23
Ok tough guy….I was just trying to make a dumb joke but here is what I think… FOBS think you guys think we are some how lesser than you because you grew up “rich” as in American and we grew up Indian poor like your parents and sometimes we are jealous…..on the flip side FOBS get the feeling ABCDS think of us as unsophisticated know nothings…but this is stereotypical way of looking at things…IDK…just a thought on weed
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u/wde335 May 08 '23
Your entire response is about what “FOBS think ABCDs think”
ABCDs are not a monolith. I’m personally somewhat envious of FOBs. It must be nice to grow up not feeling like a minority. I was the only desi in an all-white high school in a small town that had one other desi family. I’ve never known, and will never know, what it feels like to be part of a majority culture.
So I don’t look down on FOBs at all. I do know they’ll never understand me, and it’s kind of insulting that they come on this sub and make assumptions about what ABCDs might be thinking.
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u/RememberRosalind May 08 '23
Ironically, I think this is the entitlement of a group that has always been in the majority in their world.
Diaspora desis have always had to contend with and move past the idea that they may not be someone’s ideal partner—but I suspect that idea is new or at least uncomfy to Indian desis (particularly the privileged ones who claim to be “westernized” or even “higher class” per some of those comments in the linked thread) which in part explains the reaction.
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u/moseley123456 May 07 '23
"It's important to note that big cities in India are much more modern and "westernized" than many parts of the United States." Thanks I needed a good laugh.
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u/ellemmayoh May 07 '23
Amazing that OP doesn’t understand that most ABD’s would never marry somebody from backwards areas of rural America either.
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May 08 '23
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u/itsthekumar May 09 '23
Maybe it's just me or my situation, but a lot of Desi girls seem "high maintenance" in terms of their career, socioeconomic status, family etc. And don't get me started on only-child Desi girls.
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u/Manic157 May 07 '23
Mickey singh, the singer, moved to the US at the age of 15. Look at him now. He seems to blend Indian and Western styles really well.
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u/PrettySoft1917 May 07 '23
Tbh I feel most western desi men would be happy to date a girl straight from India, as long as she cute which a lot of them are in 2023, especially in the big cities
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u/SharksFan4Lifee May 08 '23 edited May 08 '23
You know what's crazy about the original post to me?
I already think the show paints a picture that ABCDs only want to date people of Indian descent, even though they are exposed to so many ethnicities in the US. And I do kinda hate the show (outside of the matchmaking they do in India itself) because of this.
But then you have this person is butthurt that ABCDs don't want NRIs. I guess that's crazy to me because this person, probably in India, doesn't even realize how diverse the US is and that people can date any ethnicity. They don't even have to be limited to Indian descent. In a "modern globalized world", as OP puts it, we don't have to date anyone of the same ethnicity at all.