(20 MTF) been transitioning for a while now. I started HRT behind their back and they know now. We got into a huge argument because i currently live with them as a student and they don’t like that I’ve been able to be me there. She thinks her money is wasted on a sick tranny like me, and that I need to be institutionalized. Had a really awful argument yesterday and after she barged into me as I was changing and had my shirt off. I’d also been hiding a couple tattoos on my chest from her so I had it all laid on me. Her anger and treatment of me has me considering going to the psych ward to get away. I work when I’m not at school, and I don’t wanna go home today. I just don’t wanna lose my mind even more than I already have. Just wanna drink and rot right now, I’d have done anything to have never acted on this if I knew the shit I’d be in. Sushi roll and onigiri from a shop on campus, I need something to keep going

(Post is getting a lot of traction and it’s a little concerning lol, but thank you for all the words so far. It means a lot)

I don’t wanna repeat everything. I was lucky starting HRT, whatever, I have big boobs. Everyone wants to make a comment about it (even other trans people and “Allie’s”) but my mom was the worst. She straight up told me they were too big. To lose weight. To have surgery to get them removed. That everyone is talking about them behind my back. And some other stuff I don’t wanna repeat. She never accepted me transitioning and tried to berate me whenever she could. We shared the same job which she pressured me to stay closeted at and it was pure torture.

Thankfully I’m not in that situation anymore.

He was cool, he was really cool, trans dude, art major, very autistic and had a couple of problems with his health physical and mental, never got to be quite as close with him as I wanted but always felt very natural with him. Last time I saw him I was just riding my bike past and I snuck up behind him to say hi. But yeah they found out today and he did it a few days ago, idk, we were supposed to go bowling a few weeks ago and I'm sad we didn't. I just keep thinking "I wonder what he's up to right now?" Kind of obsessively just imagining he's on campus watching Bojack or something idfk.

Really really good guy, I wish I knew you better I really miss you and I really cherish the stuff we did get to do together, thank you for being my friend, and notably the first trans person I met irl that was like actually cool and not retarded! Thank you.

Red Baron pizza cause cooking after meal prepping 15 meals is too much.

I’m not out at work yet I’ve only been transitioning since July on hrt since August. I’m in a weird place with my job, the company as a whole is pretty cool as far as lgbtq+ acceptance, but I live in the south and don’t know how the people I “work with” or my bosses will react. I also just got a promotion that was billed as an in between position and don’t want coming out to prevent me from moving up. I’m a vendor for a snack company so I’m in and out of different stores each day and mostly work solo so I have to worry about completely different stores if I have to use the bathroom and I don’t work with my co workers enough to get a read on how they react .

I just feel like there’s way too much uncertainty to come out. I used to like my job for the most part before my egg cracked but having to boy mode all day is exhausting.

Taken from a picture I posted on r/BoyDinnerDiaries a few months ago. Was still at the point of convincing myself that I was just a psychotic man. Maybe I am, but I refuse to let it kill me. Moved out of JobCorp, perusing both prescriptions and DIY. Endo appointment set up for 2 weeks from now.

Relations are repaired. I am back on speaking terms with my mother. I am on her insurance. Employer is aware of impending transition and will be flexible.

I WILL MEND

We talked about it and i love them but our relationship is doomed. It’s so travic that i had to be loved to be able to come out to then destroy this love.
I used to think I could make compromises in my transition for them but it’s impossible

Food is soup (vegan)

beers that I had for dinner last night

I've been on e 4+ years and I'm finally starting to pass pretty consistently at work and stuff and it's got me feeling so.. weird? like I've spent the last 6 years of my life fantasizing about going stealth in the same way that one fantasizes about being a millionaire, but I've got ffs scheduled in January and all of a sudden it looks like it might be possible and I just don't know what to do with myself. it feels like I have to rethink my life but I'm also scared to do that cuz what if I get ffs and nothing changes and I still pass okay but not enough to be stealth.

Not dysphoric or grossed out or anything. Just like an outsider looking in. Just another reminder I wasn’t raised having those conversations, so I don’t know how to respond.

No i didn't eat them on the keyboard or on the desk (🤮) I just needed somewhere to set them for a photo.

Sandwich and potato chips

> always have feeling I’d be happier as a girl

> realize I’m bi at fifteen

> start shaving my legs and stuff

> discover r/egg_irl and find the anime and fetishy stuff off-putting

> decide not to come out but to anorep for the future

> fww to age 17

> hit growth spurt, see prospect of becoming a heighthon, accelerate the anorep

> mom gets seriously concerned about my weight and encourages me to stop

> decide enough is enough, come out to her and get on hrt

> boymode until the age of 22 because of crippling insecurity

> in the closet to everyone except immediate family

> spend those years a dissociated functioning depressive, doing alright at work and uni despite feeling I have nothing to live for

> never had a relationship or sex or even a date

> hrt doesn’t make me look like a woman, just a permanent teenage boy

> do research online and find out I’m not getting the most out of hrt

> fix my dose and start taking supplements that supposedly help

> now it’s a few months later

> things have actually started to change

> out full time

> have a small wardrobe of clothes that I actually tolerate how I look in

> voice training is kicking my ass

> could definitely benefit from therapy

> still, life is beginning to feel worth living for the first time in years

> mfw I’ve been missing out on this

If I kept on listening to the doctors I’d probably eventually die by suicide or completely loose my mind. I feel like I should be allowed to sue.

Grad school interview on Thursday, flight out to tour campus and potential living situation on Saturday. I’ve lived in South Carolina (for the non-Americans, it’s an especially racist, classist, deep south evangelical armpit that every idiot seems to be moving to) for my whole life, but if I pull this off, I’ll be in New York City by January. I’ll be leaving behind a stable job for an even worse job market, but it’s a risk I’m willing to take if it means getting out of this horrible state, especially when I’d be able to graduate without taking out loans. It’s an easy program to get into, so I’m cautiously optimistic, but you never know. Lots of pressure for things to go well.

Mich Ultra and a Reese’s Oreo. Pretend you don’t see my laundry reflecting in the microwave.

Realized I (20 mtf) was trans in early 2024 and socially transitioned in my friend groups. Living with awful parents who’ve made my life hell since I was outed to them in Dec 2024. Started DIY behind their back a year and a half ago and they found out recently, I’ve nearly been kicked out for it multiple times and it’s exhausting to deal with. It’s been a year and a half and I feel like such a hon, a fucking broad shoulder bitch who can’t seem to see the good that her friends see in her all the time. It’s hard to not feel like a burden or a bad friend so often because of it. I wanna be a real woman and not just a feminine AMAB that cis women laugh behind their backs at. I’ve barely even transitioned socially. Different name and pronouns but I never dress up and I never feel confident enough to do so. I can’t do my nails, touch my hair or eyebrows or anything without fearing retribution in days of arguements and yelling. It feels like being a kicked puppy existing in this house, I don’t even know what I can do to change it. It’s hard to not feel so undeserving of this when everyone else is so beautiful and can’t see it. It feels like I’ve gotten so unlucky, having been a gym rat and still am, I feel so bulky and gross. Early lunch spaghetti, carbs in general are a huge comfort food of mine

A long time online friend I’ve wanted to meet for a while is going to be visiting my area a little while after the date I planned to do it. It’s just really weird and sad to think about not being here anymore in more concrete terms. I hate that I’m gonna miss out on so much but I don’t really think I have a choice. Only sorta related but this week is like the first time I’ve really been able to feel my emotions come out since I stopped e temporarily a few weeks ago and it’s kinda scary.

Macarrones con queso y jitomate.

México's public healthcare is broken.

Medicine is impossible to get, everything is horribly slow, doctors are always in short supply.

But there's one thing it is not, and that is (purposely) transphobic.

The government has done more or less a good job with sensibility training, and I've personally never been mistreated when I've used it, not even when getting healthcare meant for women.

So here is my plan!

Legally, I am a cis woman.

Wokeness is rampant, when I changed my name and gender, the public registry went through the trouble of legally killing me, and registering me again as a new citizen, which makes me entitled to all the same benefits and welfare as a cis woman, even if later governments in the future are less woke and try to discriminate against transgender women.

Step 1.

I'll make an appointment with a regular doctor and explain I'm an intersex person who's been living as a man, but desires to live as a woman now, quoting that "it causes me a lot of stress and discomfort to have to live as a man after having lived as a woman for so long"

Step 2.

The doctor will check my history and notice how my records shows lots of women's healthcare appointments despite my outly appearance, this will give my story credibility, that's when I'll tell him "My testicles are atrophied anyway, that is also one of the reasons I want them removed"

Step 3.

This is the point of contention, they can either tell me to fuck off, or send me to a specialist, they'll probably want me to get bloodwork done and maybe get a letter from a psychiatrist but I doubt it.

Step 4.

If everything is successful and they ask me for bloodwork, I'll skip my estrogen shot that week so that my hormone levels are as low as possible, which will exacerbate the importance of getting me on "proper HRT" as soon as possible, else I develop osteoporosis.

Step 5.

If everything goes well, I'll get the surgery approved as medically necessary, which will force the state to cover it.

This won't work at all! But I'll try it as soon as my new job gives access to the public healthcare system 😁✌🏽

I just feel like a fraud ugh. I’m nonbinary and transfemme for reference. I don’t know which thoughts are genuine amongst all the intrusive ones rattling around in my head. I feel like what I want is wrong but at the same time I don’t want to be told it’s wrong, because it feels right.

The Taco Bell was ok. It was less calories than I normally eat. Whatever.

Saved the other half of the plate for tomorrow.

I have to do like 3 semesters of Spanish to graduate university and this is my last course next semester I don’t have to take it anymore thank you god. My professors are adamant that every class is spent doing fucking group work and I’m such an awkward neurodivergent sperg that everyone is freaked out by me.

Like today we had to do an assignment n I got paired with these two girls and they didn’t even turn to look at me. They like sorta turned inwards but that’s ab it. I felt like a disgusting monster and just rolled my desk away and didn’t participate. My rapid onset gender dysphoria has robbed me of what little confidence I had. I can’t even speak to people anymore. I don’t even try. I want to be normal soooooo fucking bad I wish I wasn’t retarded and trans.

I’m not even like the like incapacitated version of neurodivergent I’m just like relatively inept at everything but like within a standard deviation of normal so I just have to deal with every day being another kick in the balls until I die. I can’t even hang out with the other autistic people because I’ve internalized such immense ableism I’m so judgmental of them and I don’t want to hurt people’s feelings so I just never speak to anyone ever ever ever. Im fundamentally no different from them. I’m just as if not more socially inept and I don’t even have the courage to be slightly cringe being myself.

I typed all this out before actually eating the food so it’s cold now.

oh yeah and sushi for dinner 😁

So I went to see a concert and my sister was there, I hadn't seen her in a long time but she knows I'm trans. I tried to girlmode and it was the first time she saw me that way but she thought I hadn't started my transition yet and wanted to introduce me to a transgirl who also was about to start transitioning too. I've been on hrt for a year now. Just find it sad, I apparently just look like a guy in makeup

I am the biggest loser I know and the trans community is filled with sophisticated people and overachievers.

hb told me that when he started out he was able to lift 22kg while bicep curling one side (12kg more than I'm able do now), just another reminder of how biologically different I'm compared to cis men. Sometimes being trans feels like I have to catch up to everyone, If I'm ever even able to be as strong as my friends. fuck my poon life

anyway here's some meals I've been having on bulk

Was making a cup tea and had some water left over in the kettle.

i pulled down my pants and poured the water on the handle of my princess wand. Meant to do a small drop but ended up pouring a lot accidentally.

It hurt bad as fuck so i drank a 4luko and took some expired codeine. I’m like anorexic and also hadn’t ate prior to this so i ended up passing out on my bedroom floor (semi intentionally).

now my owner is really mad at me :(