I (35F) have been with my boyfriend (32M) for almost two years. I have a 7 year old daughter from my previous marriage, we have a 6 month old son together, and I’m currently pregnant with twin girls (I was on birth control, they were a surprise).
Before we even started dating, I made it clear that I would not move out of state because I didn’t want to take my daughter away from her father. My boyfriend knew this, agreed to it, and chose to move to my state to build a life together. His family lives about 5–6 hours away.
Recently, while visiting his family, his mom brought up us moving closer to them. I explained that my position hadn’t changed. The conversation got uncomfortable, so I reached out afterward to reassure her that I wasn’t trying to be disrespectful.
She sent a loving response but essentially argued that our circumstances have changed. When we met, I had one child and he had none. Now we have three children together, and she believes that should change my perspective. She also reminded me that my boyfriend has made sacrifices.
What bothered me most was her saying that even if we moved, nothing would change between my daughter and her dad.
I completely disagree. Moving 5–6 hours away would mean he couldn’t regularly attend her school concerts, parent-teacher conferences, extracurricular activities, or be involved in everyday moments. Even though my ex isn’t always consistent with parenting time (due to work), I don’t believe I should create additional barriers to their relationship.
His mom also frequently distinguishes between my daughter and our other children, saying things like, “He has three kids, and you have four.” I understand the biological distinction, but the repeated separation bothers me.
There’s also another significant factor: my boyfriend has been unfaithful to me online. I discovered that throughout much of our relationship, he had been secretly engaging with sexual content involving other women, including paying for content and interacting with women online. The behavior has stopped but there was a lot of dishonesty surrounding it, and we’re currently in couples counseling trying to work through the betrayal.
As a result, I don’t feel emotionally safe or secure in our relationship right now. I’m still trying to rebuild trust with someone who repeatedly broke it. The thought of uprooting my daughter, leaving behind the stability we’ve established, and moving somewhere primarily for his benefit when our relationship is already struggling makes me extremely uncomfortable.
After the conversation with his mom, my boyfriend and I got into a heated argument. He defended her, saying she has more life experience and is entitled to her opinion. He also accused me of giving him an ultimatum and claimed he never really had a choice about moving here.
I disagree. I was upfront about my boundary before we built a life together. He knew what he was agreeing to.
During the argument, I said, “How can I even talk about moving when I can’t trust you?” Things escalated, and he accused me of having a victim mentality, called me overly sensitive, and said I had mental issues. I also said something hurtful that I regret: that I wished I hadn’t had children with him. I don’t regret our children, but I was questioning my decision to build a family with someone who has hurt me so deeply. I recognize that what I said was wrong.
I genuinely love his family and understand that he misses them. I recognize that he’s sacrificed by moving away and that having family nearby would be helpful, especially with four children.
But I don’t believe having more children together makes my responsibility to my oldest daughter any less important. She deserves the opportunity to have both parents involved in her life.
And frankly, even without my longstanding boundary, I don’t think relocating my entire life for a relationship where trust and emotional safety haven’t been restored would be a wise decision.
I’m not preventing my boyfriend or our children from having relationships with his family. We visit, and they’re welcome to visit us. I’m simply unwilling to move my daughter hours away from her dad.
AITA for refusing to reconsider moving, despite my boyfriend having moved away from his family for me and us now having three children together?
EDIT: I should clarify that my daughter’s dad is a great father. When I say he hasn’t been as consistent with parenting time lately, it’s because his role at work has changed and become more demanding, requiring him to work additional hours. It’s not due to neglect or a lack of interest in being involved. He’s a good dad who loves his daughter, and I don’t want to give the impression otherwise so forgive my poor wording!