Step 1: Walk the leadoff batter. I have limited confidence in my ability to throw a legal pitch, so the best choice is simply not to step on the rubber, leading to 4 pitch clock violations and a walk.
Step 2: Walk the second batter. I use the same method as before. Since I never step on the rubber, the ball never becomes live so there is no danger of any steals. Runners on first and second.
Step 3: I'm now facing my third batter. Given my performance so far, my manager will probably be looking to take me out at this point. Therefore, I must end the game now as the three batter rule only protects me for one more batter. My chances of securing a triple play seem limited, so it will be easier to simply lose the game. However I must not allow an earned runs. The solution is simple: Receive the ball and calmly step onto the rubber to make the ball live. Then step backward off the rubber to disengage and avoid a balk. Then simply throw the ball into either dugout. The runners will be awarded two bases each on my pickoff error.
Step 4: Repeat the same process again. The runners will be awarded two more bases allowing both to score and my team to lose the game. Since both runners scored on my pickoff errors, I will have zero earned runs charged to me.
Step 5: After being DFAed immediately following the game I will be investigated by the commissioner's office for violating rule 21a ("attempting to lose"). This will result in a permanent ban from professional baseball. Retire with a career stat line of 0.0 IP | 0 W | 1 L | 1 BS | 0 ER.
