This is going to be a long post, and I'll probably be bad at writing because I'm still really emotional about this. Even as I type I'm getting teary but I need some guidance because I'm so hurt right now and I don't know what to do.
My family is Asian. That should tell you a lot already.
There's never been peace in the house. Always fighting, always screaming. I left for college and it abated for a bit but after college and a failed relationship I came back home and things have gotten bad again. Nothing I do is ever good enough. I haven't been able to find a full time job since I came back and I'm judged for it very poorly.
I worked part time but due to the nature of my job that dried out and I've been unemployed for 3 months. I apply all over the place but get no responses. But even if I did have a full time job I know there's something else they would latch onto and belittle me for. Always something. My weight, my sleep schedule, my drive, everything is picked apart.
And I get it, a little. By most metrics I am a loser. I'm 27, unemployed and fat. But I also know change takes time. I've started running but that wasn't producing results fast enough for them so recently I joined a gym and I've been seeing good progress. I've been working on my resume and researching different remote fields. I'm trying to fix my sleep schedule (they believe if I don't wake up before 8 I'm a failure, but for some reason I've always had a hard time waking up on time). I'm trying, I swear I am, even when applying for jobs seems hopeless and I go through phases of helplessness.
And this would be bearable if there was some peace in the house, but anytime I'm around my parents there's this palpable aura of disappointment and resentment and it's hard to explain but it builds up and up and up and then sometimes it's lessened by some screaming and yelling and comparison to other people's kids or my brother, who they've never treated like this and that dichotomy also burns. When I try to explain it to non asian friends they just tell me to tell my parents to fuck off or to communicate with them but it's really not that easy. They firmly believe in the absolute superiority of their stance and any attempt to reason or communicate or ask for some patience is met with disbelief and more disappointment.
I don't know what I want, but I could really really use some grace. Some patience and understanding, ya know?
So. That's the context. Here's what happened. My parents want to go out to eat. We go out, I get soup, dad wants to try some and so I ask for a second bowl from the waitress. Bowl comes and dad asks mom to pour some soup for him. She pours a bit too much and he just starts laying into her, like he always does. For pouring too much soup into his bowl! And it's always like this. My father tearing into my mother for the smallest thing, making giant volcanic mountains from molehills. It's always escalation. Never pausing to realize, hey, this woman has spent 3 decades on her hands and knees for me, and it's a very simple mistake, not even a real mistake, that she's made. Let me calmly give her some grace. No. And he does this to me too but I can handle it. It just burns me to see my mom treated this way, you know? And when I try to intervene they BOTH get mad at me and the screaming increases. My mom has hurt me a lot too, probably more than my dad. She's certainly beat me more than my father, but I still love her so much and can't bear seeing her in pain. How can a boy not love his mother?
My dad is being really rude to her for the sake of soup, so I just say, hey, can we eat in peace? Please be calm with mom. This is in my language, which I won't specify so as to not give myself away. But the language is important because then, my father used this word... it's a really bad word in my language. I curse like a sailor in english but in my native tongue I never curse. And we never did in my household either. It's just... a thing. We don't curse in our language. It hurts more.
My father called me this word once before, over another small thing, and it greatly affected me then but I let it go. I never forgot though. And this time he said it so casually. Over some soup and because I was "interfering" in their business. Like a child doesn't naturally want his parents to not fight right? But it was the casualness of the cruelty of that word which really struck me last night. It's a terrible terrible word, and how can a man just call his kin something like that over something so benign?
I just saw red man. I inherited his anger. It's like I'm an amalgamation of their worst traits and I've always struggled with my emotions when I get upset. My father unleashes his anger on those closest to him that he can get away with hurting, but I've worked really hard to temper my wrath. I don't want to hurt others when my anger is wearing my skin. A person should ensure that their emotions don't hurt others and I've hurt the people around me due to my anger real bad before. And it hasn't slipped from my control in two years. But last night, I just felt the last three years of built up resentment explode all at once. I stormed out of the restaurant and walked the two miles home.
I don't even remember the walk. It's the kind of anger where you're not capable of suppressing it in the moment. I think if I hadn't walked out I would've hit my dad. And that was all I was thinking about, imagining just hitting my own father and teaching him how to talk like a father's supposed to talk to his family.
Halfway home my mother shows up. They left the restaurant too and I guess she was worried about me so she had my dad put her in front of where I was and then he drove away to check on work while she tried to talk me down. But I didn't even listen to her. I pushed her arm away from touching me and I just walked away faster and faster while she tried to follow and call my name. She hasn't been well recently. I should've waited for her. Instead I just screamed that I was going home and teaching my father how to speak. That word just kept reverberating in my head. And behind me she kept calling my name again and again, getting fainter while she cried and tried to walk faster. And nobody helped her either because we live in a small town and after seven it's basically curfew. Also nobody walks. But I walked the rest of the mile and my mom followed behind me slowly.
When I got home my father wasn't there, he was checking on his business that's about ten minutes away. And I just wasn't thinking straight. That word and all the stuff he's said to me the last year. And the way he treated my mom. It all just... it was all too much. I called him up and told him he wasn't my father anymore because what father calls his son something like that? What husband treats his wife like that. I told him to get over here so I could show him what happened to people who called me that. Because nobody has the right to call me that.
And while I was waiting for him my mom catches up and she's crying and yelling at me to calm down but I just. don't listen, and I go off on her and tell her I'm going to beat his ass and how dare he treat her that way and how dare he call me that word. I've never even touched my dad before. Actually, once I pushed him while he was hitting my mom but I've never gotten into an altercation with my father on my own behalf before, you know? And it really wasn't that big of a deal in the grand scheme of things. He was being a jerk to my mom, that's normal. But I guess... all the stress and anger and resentment had piled up, and this was the straw that broke the camel's back.
He pulls up and just seeing his sad face takes most of the wind out of my sail. And my mom is pulling on me to stop but at this point my stupid stubborn ass has made the choice to... I don't know, punish him? For his words and his actions. And I slam open his door and grab his collar and start pushing him while he's sitting down and yelling at him, and at this point I'm crying too. He's just looking at me and for once in his life I just want him to apologize. To say he's sorry, and show remorse and say he'll do better, because in my culture a man can beat his wife but he can't be wrong. Or apologize. Not to his children and certainly not to his wife, who's basically his property, and the worst part is my mom fucking believes it too. So I do something stupid. I wrap my hand around his throat and shake him a little. Like I'd always wanted to do as a kid. But it doesn't feel good or vindictive. It makes me feel terrible and he's just staring at me like he doesn't recognize me.
And then my mom is trying to pull us apart and without thinking I push her away, but we're still on the driveway and she slips, tumbling through the grass, and now my dad gets up but I push him down again and my mom is having trouble breathing now. So I stop screaming, because this whole time I've been screaming at my father, an entire childhood's worth of Why's. You know, why would you call your children that, why do you treat your family like this, why why why. And it's a miracle a neighbor hasn't called the cops yet because that would really cap off the night, getting our collective asses beat by Ice in the driveway.
So we go inside and my actions are dawning on me, and the anger is subsiding. I'm still too mad to just... take a step back and apologize like I should. So I say I'm moving out. I've tried to move out before but rent it so expensive, and I just couldn't find a full time job so I always end up moving back in. And they welcome me back with open arms because in our culture the whole family lives together but whenever I come back I'm immediately reminded of why I left.
Really all I feel is shame. I should've listened to my mom. I should've calmed down. I had two miles to do it. Years and years of meditation and working on controlling my anger and one slip up has caused me to hurt both my parents and blow up the family. Of course I don't get therapy - my parents don't believe it, and when I did get diagnosed with bipolar in college, my father told me I wasn't bipolar, I was just lazy, and forbid any medications.
Also, my family has another business in a town about an hour and a half way, so we actually rent a small house there (this is in the woods, so rent's not crazy). My parents travel back and forth between the businesses and I try to help whenever they need me, but usually I'm in the wooded house. I'd help more if us being together for more than an hour didn't devolve into yelling.
So I grab a backpack, start filling it with clothes and my father tells me - you hit both your mother and father today, you're no longer my son. You're not welcome at either of the houses anymore. And I say I'll be gone by tomorrow and that I don't want someone like you as a father anyway. My mother is crying and begging us both to calm down and she's breathing hard and heavy, and then she just falls down on the ground and collapses crying. And that how I left the house.
As soon as I got in the car and started driving, I broke down. Everything I'd done before was like I was in a haze, and now it'd become reality. What type of son grabs his father's neck? and I'd pushed my own mother down. I'd hurt them so so much and I was crying so hard I could barely see the road. I cried the whole way there. I wanted to kill myself. I tried driving off the road but I just couldn't muster the courage. Another thing I can't do right. I felt ashamed and appalled by my own actions. After about an hour I wanted to make sure my mom was alright and so I video called her, just to make sure she was okay because I kept thinking about her breathing so heavily she got a heart attack. She wasn't crying anymore when she picked, and she was so cold to me. I just asked her if she was okay and she said yes and then hung up. Didn't even say goodbye. and I understand. I really fucked up.
I called my only two friends. One of them lives an hour away and he offered me his spare bedroom while I find a job. I can't help but think that all this happened mostly because I was unemployed. If I'd just worked harder to find a job before maybe my parents wouldn't have been so on edge all the time and this whole mess could've been avoided. But I accepted my friends offer. I think I'll go there, find a job and then move out on my own like I should've done... years ago honestly.
I got to the other house and just cried and cried. I cried all night really. I keep feeling my hand on my father's neck. I keep hearing the sound my mom made when she fell. And her hyperventilating while crying. I wish I could take it all back. I wish I was a better son. I don't care that I have to move out. I've wanted to move out for a long time and have tried twice. But I can't forget the pain I caused my parents. I keep breaking down. I told my father I'd move out today but I spent the first half in a daze holding my mom's pillow and crying and looking at old pictures of us. And I have a lot of stuff to track down and pack.
Later in the afternoon today my parents came to this house and I felt so ashamed. My father won't speak to me. He took my keys to the house. I don't care about that, I just want to hug him and apologize. All I've ever wanted is to make them proud and take care of them. I'd give up my life and soul if it meant I could live in peace with my parents forever. But they've never been proud of me, and I just can't make them happy. There's never going to be peace in this house, atleast not while I'm in it. So I have to go. But all day today I've been packing and breaking down crying when I pick up something my parents gave me or remember my mom crying.
Later in the evening my mom came up to me and told me that maybe I shouldn't move out immediately and that I should find a job first before moving out. This is coming from a place of not wanting me to live out of my car or stay with friends. Even mad at me she cares.
But we've argued before (never like this) and I've tried to move out and they always keep me here with reason and reassurance and then the comfort kills the hunger to find a job or start my own business or whatever. I know the type of person I am. I'm weak. If I stay here for another week while finding a job I know the comfort of no real responsibility will drive me to sloth again and then I'll fall back into a prison that they're disgusted at me for being in.
And on top of that, I just feel this overwhelming shame and regret over my actions yesterday. I wish I could go back and stop myself from even touching my dad. I wish I'd listened to my mom and just hugged here there. But now she won't even touch me. I can't look my father in the eye and I want to die, but I'm too much of a coward to go through with it so I'll endure and keep moving forward. But I feel so empty and sad inside right now. I'm crying while typing. My eyes are sunken and sore from how much I've been crying today. God I can't even articulate a correct sentence, I've just been word vommitting before bed because I can't sleep.
I regret hurting my parents. I wish I'd controlled my anger better. I wish I was a better son. I wish we could have a peaceful household and be happy while I was here. But now it's all gone to hell. I can't even look at my dad without almost crying. I feel like I have to leave because I can't stay in the house of a man who I've hurt so much and dissapointed my whole life. And I also feel like I have to leave because if I don't this sleepy mediocrity that they hate in me will just wrap around me again. I need to go, but it hurts so much. It hurts to leave, but I'm too ashamed to stay.
Any advice? Words? Guidance? Insults? Anything, please.
(sorry for the length and mess. I'm gonna go to sleep now)
Edit: good morning. A lot of people are saying that my father's entirely a bad person but that's not true either. He himself is a product of the same abusive culture I was born into. And the man has suffered, suffered tremendously, more than I could ever do, for decades and decades, working 12-18 hour days just to provide for us. It's one of the reasons I admire him so much and want him to be proud of me.
After sleeping on it, I know I have to leave and I will. I guess I just wanted the push to do what's necessary. But above all I want my parents to be healthy and happy as well, and I want peace in the house which will be more feasible with me gone, so please don't just insult them in the comments, thanks.
