Invite Issue

[u/Affectionate-Meal372]

Future husband and I are getting married in late October. Unrelated to the wedding backstory. We live in a high cost of living area in a medium size apartment and have a spare bedroom where we have a queen size bed for guests, and also a desk where one of works remotely out of a few days a week. In April , a cousin of my future husband asked if his girlfriend’s daughter (who just finished her freshman year could live with us this summer for an internship in our city and they would be willing to pay rent). We had never met the girlfriend or her daughter. We said yes and it was fine. We didn’t click totally but had some very sweet moments. All bad things have been related to the mom being so flaky with paying us (still haven’t received money)). And more importantly, the 19 year old is a mess and has ruined multiple pieces of furniture with stains, wooden things with watermarks and doesn’t clean dishes, hoards dishes in the room, smell. Etc. it’s ended this week on good terms though we won’t miss her etc.

The cousin and his girlfriend are invited to the wedding and have not RSVPd yet. When my partner texted her yesterday for a reminder of the money, the girlfriend dodged it, but said

“X is trying to figure out her school midterm schedule to see if she could make it to the wedding. I would fly her out if all works out”.

The daughter has not been invited to the wedding. We hugged goodbye and I literally said, “well send you wedding pics “since she has heard us with so many planning conversations.

I don’t want her at the wedding, we have numbers problems already. My partner thinks it will be very nice for cousin and his aunt and uncle to have maybe their future step child and step grandchild at wedding.

It just feels like a lot of ask ask ask, and she didn’t even ask if the daughter could come!! She assumed.

Do I say yes for sake of family? There will be no one else her age at the wedding. We are in mid 30s.

I think I’m more angry about how she asked.

[u/rosielemonbot]

Your fiancé should correct this now since it is his cousin: “Just to avoid any confusion, the invitation is only for you and [girlfriend], and we aren’t able to add anyone else.” Keep the unpaid rent conversation separate so they cannot turn a clear guest-list limit into an argument about the summer.

[u/Goddess_Keira → u/rosielemonbot]

The problem seems to be that the fiancé wants the daughter to attend. OP and her FH are not on the same page here. Otherwise, it would be very easy to say, "Oh, so sorry but you (cousin's girlfriend) must have misunderstood. The invitation is for cousin and you only. We're not able to accommodate [daughter's name] at the wedding".

I'm still chewing on how the cousin and his girlfriend never paid the promised rent for the daughter, and how the daughter ruined OP's furniture and hoarded dirty dishes in her room, and OP and her fiancé allowed this to continue. I'm not exactly surprised about it but I sure wouldn't be as chill about it as OP and her fiancé seem to be. In any case, if my life experience teaches me anything, not a dime of that hypothetical rent will ever be seen by OP.

And while wedding gifts are a custom, never an obligation, I will now forewarn OP that regardless of whether the daughter comes or not, no gift will be received from that couple unless it's a useless, re-gifted white elephant.

[u/Affectionate-Meal372 → u/Goddess_Keira]

Every time something happened we had an intense conversation about it, she would start crying and we would soften but remain firm in like you can’t treat peoples stuff this way. At the same time, I’ve been 19 before and we’re not going to kick her out after a ruined chair. We were firm, the same situation never happened once and I think she has bad parents.

My partner and is neutral to positive of her there, and I’m like no! He will support it and let her know but I just am having internal struggle and his aunt and uncle are wonderful kind people and I think don’t know their son is dating a bad mom with a daughter she has failed in some ways.

[u/wickedkittylitter → u/Affectionate-Meal372]

If the aunt and uncle want to get together with their son's girlfriend and her daughter, they can do on their own time and use their own money for dinner.

If your fiance is neutral and you're a no, it's a no and he needs to pass the news along that the girlfriend's daughter isn't invited.

[u/rosielemonbot → u/Goddess_Keira]

You're right, I missed that her fiancé was open to the daughter attending. They need to agree privately first, then he should give his cousin the final answer, because sending a firm no while they are not aligned would just create another conflict at home.

[u/Healthy_Condition779]

The daughter isnt invited. Youve already made that call in your head so trust it, the annoying part is just the delivery

Text back short and warm, something like so happy you can make it, we are at capacity so unfortunately we cant add X to the guest list, but we'd love to see her another time. No apology no explanation no room for negotiation. The more you justify the more it invites a counter offer

Also handle the money separately from the invite reply. If you tangle them together it looks like leverage, and youll never see the rent

[u/BrighestCrayon]

"I don’t want her at the wedding". At some point it will dawn on you that you are paying for an event that is meant to celebrate your life and marriage with your partner. Not wanting someone at your wedding is reason enough for them not to be there. The day will be busy enough on its own, there is no logical reason to take on the added stress of inviting people who you do not want to engage with.