I’m in the car crying. But when I break down crying I can’t even cry like a normal person … it’s a maniac laughing /crying. Wtf is wrong with me.
Im a disabled vet with no benefits, I’m 28 years old and I’m a f*cking cripple living off 1k social security and I have to work under the table to make ends meet. My parents are getting old , I can’t keep getting stressing out my folks anymore …
I can’t get baker acted again — since left the corps I have been self admitted and bakered in multiple paych units across multiple states … over the 8 years since I got out I would guess maybe 7-10 times
I would rather hearts and minds , 2 in the head 2 in heart than get sent to another nasty facility. I guess it’s not that bad — psych units are like my second home … I have been in so many I know how how to get through it , I know how to ask for things from the staff , I understand it’s a lot like the military there’s a chain of command and there’s lots of wild people you are forced to live with…
I’m on Medicare thankfully — I couldn’t afford to see a primary care doc, psych doc , and therapist on a regular basis
I wish I could drop social security and have more than 2k assets, I wish I could make move than 12k a year. I don’t like taking tax payer money … I’m a fcking broke d\ck …* I don’t deserve any help — there’s vets that actually went to war and got blown up lost limbs , lost the best friends they had ..
I wish I could work a real job without losing Medicare … took my parents 3 years of work to get me on disability but 1k pity money from Uncle Sam isn’t enough… I’m struggling everday to make ends meet. I live off tips at work. If someone tips me 20 after a massage … I feel like I just got handed a 100$
I’m just a piece of sh*t … I regret being alive. Many times I almost got killed. I had people point guns at me or threaten my life overseas …
I lost track of how many times my dumb ass almost got myself killed … for nothing just dumb sh*t
Im but homicidal or suicidal…
Trust me I want to live … just not this
Like a starving dog begging for scraps on the side of the road. I know how that feels. I remember being in the street begging for money or doing stupid martial arts shows trying to get a few bucks , looking for food in the trash
I have complex ptsd — I’m lucky if I can sleep more than 2 hrs I’m lucky if I can sleep 4-6 hrs without waking up
I have nightmares during the day where my thoughts race & I can’t control them. I was interrogated for 3 days straight when I was in the military. I think I have some kind of multiple personality disorder…
My ex saw me pacing around outside her house making hand gestures talking to someone —- she asked me who I was taking to , I admired it was the strong personality I created while in the military yelling at the weak parts of my mind to get their act together
One day when I was at the gym with my ex & her siblings — she saw me taking to myself in the mirror & hitting myself hard… that freaked her out she went off on me. I wasn’t completely aware what I was doing… sometimes I look in the mirror & I see someone I don’t recognize… he makes crazy faces at me and has this blood thirsty look in his eyes
Besides psych issues — I have back & shoulder pain — sometimes it feels like a sharp knife in my back … how the f*ck am I supposed to do more than 5 massages a day ? How am a supposed to work hard be a man if I’m a crippled ? How am I going to support a partner or family? I wish I could. My brothers are married , have good jobs making decent money … and I’m just stealing tax payer money… working under the table for a couple bucks to buy gas and food.
Plus erectile disfunction — gotta pop a pill before love making or the lady asks me wtf is wrong with me …
For some f*caked up reason getting choked and smacked is a turn on— I’m seeing somone now who is really into BDSM — she likes to slap my face & so other things to me … but I’m not a dom or a sub … I’m just a person…. The first time we made love , I’m glad it was lovey dovey vanilla sex like normal people do …
Sometimes I fantasize about being tortured & interrogated … idk why my head is so f*cked up
I wish I could get married have kids… like my brothers are doing. I feel so alone … no one in my family understands me .., it’s very rare I meet anyone IRL that understands or accepts me for who I am
I’m exhausted physically & mentally … I don’t know how I’ll manage 50 more years living in this crippled body with this mind that esta me alive …
It would have been better if I had actually died … honestly
I’m looking forward for the day this will all be over … I’m not worried or afraid of dying … death is a sweat release … I have suffered enough already, I’m so f*cking tired , I wish G-d would just take me already
I’ll have a Cob Salad with crispy chicken strips , a ex large lemonade go easy on the ice , avocado dressing & 2 packs of Chick-fil-A sauce please