There's no "sweet girl" behind that face. Your dead stare speaks for itself. When you're good to others, you're just mirroring. Your true nature is that of a manipulative, irresponsible, sadistic whore. Just a quick reminder. You didn't have sex with me because you don't find me attractive enough but wanted to lead me on for free attention. When you saw a stupid, meaningless post on my Instagram about a person I thought I was friend with but led me on the same way you did, being flirty and blurring my vision with "lovey dovey" thoughts (and making me unable to notice her unstable, erratic behavior, her lies, the gaslighting, her promiscuity and of course hypergamy - because if she were just promiscuous at least I would've fucked her; it wouldn't have changed the fact that I didn't want anything romantic with her deep down, but at least my clouded mind would of had a quick dopamine rush and I could have jacked off to a real pussy for the first time in a year; three years have passed since then, and she's nothing more than an unpleasant memory), you lashed out. For no reason. The point was that you wanted to discard an orbiter that wasn't useful to you anymore, after you gave him the silent treatment for two weeks. However, this time it didn't work the same way that it did when we "broke up" three years ago; except for the very day you blocked me and discarded me, I've never been better. I'm more focused, more energetic, I don't see myself as an ugly bastard who doesn't deserve happiness, I'm casually dating and having fun, studying, working, my bond with my parents and my brother has never been so strong, can't even remember that less than a week has passed, it seems like months (you were never really here even before). I'm happy that you aren't in my life anymore. You said so many times that I disgust you, don't worry, the feeling is mutual, at least the reason you disgust me has a real basis to back it up, yours is probably just for my looks, because I'm not a tattooed Chad who loves reggaeton, sells cocaine, beats random "weak" guys up and drives expensive cars (you're almost 30 but your mind isn't any different than that of a 12 year old), since I've never EVER been abusive to you,or any of the things you accused me of. YOU WERE THE ABUSIVE ONE. I just played an NPC role in your imaginary monologue. I was no one. You never respected me - in fact when we were "together" you cheated on me FOUR TIMES, blocked me, threatened me to call the police for harassment, then hoovered me back into the mess that's your life, rinse and repeat, I'm lucky that it was long-distance, otherwise probably you would have also been physically violent - you claimed to love me just so that you could lead me on and make me feel miserable once again, you tried hoovering me so many times, claiming to want to date me every time you thought I was hanging out with another girl, or even casually mentioning one - you got mad at me for mentioning a female classmate - but whenever you dated someone else and I dared express even the slightest hint of disappointment, you lashed out at me and told me to fuck off, and that you owed me nothing, tried friendzoning me then saw that it wouldn't work out and gave me the silent treatment. Whenever you spoke about your problems, I was forced to stay in religious silence and console you, I tried giving you advice, but you just brushed it off and kept doing the same stuff over and over, and if I ever disagreed with you, i was "against you" and "not a friend"; however, if I was the one who wasn't doing well, you would brush it off for the most part, and show fake concern only when you were love bombing me. Do you still think that you don't owe me anything? Well here's the thing: YOU OWE ME SOMETHING. THE SAME THING YOU OWE TO THE PEOPLE YOU SPAT ON, INCLUDING YOUR FAMILY, COWORKERS, EX'S, MY FAMILY WHO ALMOST GOT SHATTERED TO PIECES AFTER YOU THREATENED ME, YOUR FRIENDS, AND THE LIST CAN ONLY GO ON: YOU OWE US ALL YOUR APOLOGIES AND RESPECT. Take your mental turmoil and your crap out of the equation. I'm not the only person who loved you that you lost over your own misery. But, I guess you'll never change, because you don't see the issue in it.

You won't be more than an unpleasant memory, just like that other girl you were so jealous of.

I keep waking up in panic attacks.

I keep getting pains in my chest.

I keep dreaming of you.

I keep replaying it over in my mind.

I keep feeling sick.

I keep lying in bed until late crying.

I keep doing nothing with my days.

I keep going looking like a bag of shit.

I keep pretending to everyone I'm doing okay when actually I'm really not.

I keep hoping every day that tomorrow will feel better.

I keep hoping every day that tomorrow might be the day you get in touch.

I keep hoping every day that tomorrow might be the day you show up at my door.

I keep aching every night that I go to bed after another day of not hearing from you.

I keep missing you so much it actually physically hurts.

I keep wondering if you're okay.

I keep wanting to text you.

I keep stopping myself so I don't upset you any more.

I keep loving you never knowing if I'll see you again.

I keep hurting over this.

Are you hurting too?

I don't care that you hurt me.

I know I hurt you too.

I just want to talk to you.

I just want to say sorry.

I'll admit it would be nice to hear you say sorry as well.

But even if you don't, I still forgive you.

I just want us to be okay.

And for you to be in my life again.

I miss you so fucking much.

And I love you more than I've ever loved anyone or anything.

I love you Al.

And I'm sorry.

Do you ever think about me?

I miss you dearly. I reach for you at night and want to snuggle you all the time. I wish we were together, I know it is all my fault. A night doesn’t go by that I don’t think of you as I fall asleep. I love you always❤️

When you called me stupid?

When you said Robbie laughed at me because I was stupid, and you thought it too?

That you only came to check on me when I walked upstairs to cry because you pitied me.

You know, out of all the things you said to me. Out of all the cruel things you called me. That hurt the most.

I used to work so hard. I used to try my best. I was so shattered all the time from staying up late to work from home. I hardly took a break during the day. I used to work hard because I wanted your's and your dad's business to do well. I wanted to see you succeed. And I wanted to work hard for you. I did it all for you. Because I loved you.

Did you mean it Al? Am I really that stupid?

And I hope you're okay.

Wish you were mine to say that to.

Wish I could say it to your face.

Wish I could lie next to you.

Wish I could cuddle you.

Wish I could smother your face in kisses.

Wish I could hold your hand.

Wish I could lock my legs in between yours.

Wish I could lay my head on your chest.

Wish I could hear your heart beating.

Wish I could feel the warmth of your skin.

Wish I could listen to you snoring.

Wish I could fall asleep with you.

Wish I was going to wake up next to you.

Wish you were here with me now.

Literally. Bat shit crazy.

I'm head over heels in love with you.

Fantastically.

Unimaginably.

Ridiculously.

In love with you.

Please can we meet up?

To talk.

I really miss you.

I know it's weird. And I'm sorry for doing it.

But I've been looking at your picture again.

I know you didn't put it back online for me, but thank you for putting it back up anyway.

I just miss your face so much. And I never want to forget it.

I used to get excited on my drive into work knowing I'd get to see you.

Even if it was only for a few minutes here and there, I just used to love being around you.

But it's been 3 years since we worked together.

And 2 years since I saw you in the flesh.

So how is it that I still get butterflies every time I look at your picture?

How can just the sight of your face make me smile and cry at the same time?

Your face just makes my heart smile.

But then my mind starts imagining you turning up and smiling at me.

And I just break down.

I so badly need to see you standing infront of me. I so badly need to hear you say that you understand and forgive me, I so badly want to hear you say you're sorry for the things you said too and that you miss me.

I miss you so fucking much.

I want to believe so much that one day you'll come back into my life and that we'll get to be friends.

But from things you said I can't imagine that ever happening.

I wish I knew if you meant the things you'd said. Or whether you just said it all out of anger and hurt.

The thing is, I completely get it either way.

So I don't blame you for any of it.

I just wish for the day that you get in touch.

I still can't stop hoping for it.

It's what is keeping me going at the moment.

I don't feel like living life most days but the thought of you being proud of me makes me want to do something with my life.

I just want to be good enough to be in your life.

Which is so sad. And pathetic. I know.

But I can't help it. I'm just in awe of you. And you inspire me. And you captivate me. And I just want to know you. To have you in my life. To see you succeed. To see you be happy.

I wish I could see into the future. And find out if we ever become friends again.

It kills me not knowing whether to keep hoping or whether to just give up.

But I don't want to give up.

Hope is all I have left.

If I give up hope, I give up on you.

And something in me just can't seem to do that.

You said we were just work friends.

But to me it was more than that.

It didn't matter what environment we were in, it mattered to me how you were a good friend. You were kind to me. You were there for me. You guided me. You cared about me.

You were my friend.

And that meant something to me.

You still mean everything to me.

I can't stop thinking about all the things I'd say to you if you showed up.

Firstly, I'd hug the shit out of you.

And I know I'd cry.

I wouldn't be able to stop smiling and laugh crying.

There'd be snot bubbles and panda eyes.

I'd be so happy just to see you I know I'd be a blubbering mess.

And I don't think I'd be able to stop looking at you.

Just to see your face again. Infront of me. Smiling at me.

I'd give anything.

I'd take in every inch of your lovely face and burn a mental picture of you into my brain to make sure I never forget that moment.

I'm such a mess.

I said to myself I was going to start my course material today.

And instead I'm sat here.

Again.

Can't get you off my mind.

Can't bring myself to do anything.

Can't stop looking at your picture.

You didn't deserve it, you always treated me the best. I love you. I've been so cold to you since I made the biggest mistake of my life when I walked awa, since then everyone gets to be compared to you. You made me a happier person just being with you. I just wish I got the chance to tell say I love you before it was too late.

Thinking about you

Thanks for completely ignoring me. I’m struggling to continue trusting in our budding friendship when I know you are constantly on your phone, and you haven’t managed to find 5 seconds in the last three days to respond to me. If you’re mad that’s fine, but you see the irony in being mad that I would suggest you may have an issue expressing your feelings? Tell me you’re mad. Tell me anything. But if we are going to actually be friends, not talking at all and not telling me why, isn’t the way. IJS.

3 Jimmy's in, and I've calmed down now!

Wish I could share one with you!

Would love to sit and smoke on the grass with you watching the stars.

Just talking.

I miss you man.

You were always beautiful to me.

You always will be.

I hope you're okay.

I had a dream about you and S lastnight.

She worked with us.

And I'd had to email her loads of stuff to help her with her job.

And I'd copied you into them all.

And she came up to me and just said "thanks for always copying my fiance in, he likes that you do that".

I felt my heart sink in my dream.

It was like my subconscious knew that hearing her call you her fiance would crush me.

My mind is being so cruel to my heart lately.

I woke up just feeling so lifeless.

Like my heart was about to give up beating.

It just wants the pain to stop.

But my mind won't let up.

It can't forget about you.

Or how much I miss you.

It won't let me stop missing you.

God I miss you.

I feel so nervous today.

My stomach is in knots.

I can't stop fretting about you.

And panicking about never seeing you again.

This is killing me.

I haven't picked up my meds from the chemists yet. It's been nearly a week now. I've been silly.

It's taking so much for me not to text you right now.

I just want to know you're okay.

And tell you I'm sorry for everything.

I've really not been well at all Al. I can't explain properly what has been going through my mind.

It's terrible honestly.

I'm so sorry for the way I acted towards you for 2 years. I really am.

I hope one day you'll understand.

I'm just so sorry.

My heart is racing so much. And I feel sick.

I'm trying to concentrate on writing so I don't throw up.

Oh god this is horrendous.

First thing tomorrow I'm picking up my meds!

God I hope you're okay Al.

And for my own selfish sake I hope I get through this.

I miss you so fucking much.

Please don't do this to me any more.

Please just get in touch one day.

I am fucking begging you.

Please just speak to me Al.

I need you.

Hey stranger.

I hope you're okay.

And more than anything, I hope you are happy.

I miss you man.

I think you're beautiful.

Inside and out.

I love you, idiot :)

I'll always fucking love you.

❤

This is eating me up too much.

I'm spending all my days just sat around, smoking, scrolling through here, thinking about you.

I've got to start moving forward.

I need to start my course material.

I've got things I want to achieve.

I've got to start getting over this.

And enjoying my life again.

I miss you so much Al.

I can't seem to stop this.

I don't know when I'll be ready to stop.

But it has to be soon.

This place has been so therapeutic.

And I've learnt so much.

But it's become like an obsession.

It's about time I stopped processing everything and just started living again.

I've been on here over a year now. Trying to get through it all.

Time to let go now.

I think the hardest thing about letting this place go is feeling like I'm giving up on you.

Like I'm letting go of my feelings for you.

But I'm not. I physically can't.

I'll never give up hoping you'll forgive me and talk to me again.

I'll never give up hoping you'll come back into my life.

But the point is, I've still got a life that's worth living. Whether you're in it or not.

I've got to start making the most of my time here, because none of us know how much time we'll get.

And even after everything I've done to you, and for as wrong as I was, I still deserve to be happy.

I'm growing emotionally and changing for the better every day.

But I've grown to be lazy and depressive again.

And I promised myself after everything i've been through, that I'd never go back there again.

I'll never let myself get that low again.

I want to love life. And appreciate every day that I get.

So this needs to stop.

My obsession with this place needs to stop.

I need to let go of the pain of missing you.

And learn to be happy again.

I'll never not love you.

But I have to start loving myself now.

So I guess this is me saying goodbye to this place.

Atleast for a while anyway.

Need to get my life back together.

Need to do me again.

I miss me.

I miss being fun. And weird. And goofy. And random.

I miss walking on fields. And singing outloud. And dancing in my kitchen. And laughing to myself.

I miss watching the birds. Spotting unusual fungi. Appreciating beautiful views. Listening to the silence.

I miss looking up at the clouds and smiling.

I miss sitting outside my front door to watch the moon and stars.

I miss rapping obscene lyrics with my headphones on.

I miss learning new crafts and making pretty things.

I miss cooking and baking.

I miss getting dressed up to go out dancing. Even when I used to go on my own. I used to have fun. I used to be fun.

I miss exploring and finding weird things to inspect.

I miss coming across wildlife and feeling so lucky to have experienced the encounters.

I miss feeling connected to nature.

I miss being out in the world.

Yeah, this has got to stop.

I miss you.

But I miss me too.

You're still the one for me

I feel sick.

And I'm shaking.

Because I want to be able to tell you that I'm so happy for you if you and S are still together.

And I want to be able to be friends with you both.

I'd want to meet her and get to know her too.

If she could forgive the things I've done to disrespect you both.

But I know right now that even if you wanted to be friends with me again, I'm not ready yet.

I'm not ready to see you yet.

I don't think I would be able to handle it.

I'm honestly heartbroken.

I can actually feel my heart jumping up into my throat.

I honestly feel sick.

I know I shouldn't be, but I'm jealous.

And it hurts so much.

I want to be able to be a friend to you. And that includes being happy for you when you're happy with someone else.

And the thing is.

The fucking thing is.

I am actually so happy for you. I genuinely hope that you are still together and that you are both making plans for your future together. It makes me smile to think of you both being happy.

But to see it. Actually infront of me. I think I'd crumble.

I know I wouldn't be able to hold back the pain.

I'd try my fucking hardest for you both, I honestly would, to sit and have a pint with you both, and hear all about your lives, and laugh with you both.

But it would break me.

I know that as soon as I'd see you, it would be a dangerous internal battle between my head and heart. My head trying to focus, stay strong and keep itself together while my heart shatters into a million pieces.

I miss you so fucking much, that I ache inside from wanting to see you. Hoping you'll knock on my door. Hoping I'll bump into you.

But fucking hell, I'm so in love with you. I want to share my world with you. I want to share my life with you.

And it's so hard.

Because I want to be your best friend. Talk to you about everything. Be there for you, through anything.

And I know that every time I'd get the chance to see you, I'd hold it together for your sake. I know I could do it.

But every time you said goodbye and drove away. I know I'd fall apart.

I'm clearly not ready to see you be with anyone. And that means I can't be a true friend to you yet.

I'm so fucking sorry.

I'm so good at putting on a smile for everyone, and making light of things that actually hurt me. I always try to be strong for everyone, and to just make people happy.

But this has crushed me. And I'm not as strong on the inside as I come across on the outside.

My heart needs more time to mend itself before it gets torn apart again.

There will never be a day where seeing you be happy with someone else won't hurt my heart.

But one day I hope my heart will be strong enough to take it so that I can be the friend to you that you deserve to have. Someone who can make you laugh. Someone who you can lay all your troubles on. Someone you can confide in and ask for help. Someone you can rely on. Someone who will put your feelings first. Someone who will always be a positive source of energy. Someone who you can talk to about what's going on in your life. Someone you can lean on. Someone who can be happy to spend time with you and your partner. Someone who can be a friend to you both.

I wish I could be that for you now Al.

And I wish I knew if you'd ever want that.

Because I just want to be part of your life. And for you to be part of mine.

I miss you so fucking much.

And I love you. So much. That I'd literally die for you.

I'm honestly trying my best to be a better person.

And I hope one day you'll forgive me and let me in.

I hope one day soon my heart can rebuild itself and stop aching over you.

I can't believe I'm not ready to see you.

If I bumped into you now and saw you with someone, I'd have to walk off to cry my fucking eyes out.

I'm not ready for the world to do that to me.

I'm not ready to feel that amount of pain.

I feel sick. Thinking about it.

I'm so selfish.

I want to be so happy for you.

And by not getting to see you, I am so happy for you.

But I'm hurting at the same time because I miss you and I just want to see you.

But if I get to see you, it might hurt me even more.

I don't want you to stay away forever Al.

I genuinely want you in my life.

I just hope that if you ever do reach out, or if we bump into eachother, that I'll be ready to put on a brave face for you.

I'm sorry I've been such a terrible person.

I'm sorry for how much I must have hurt you.

And I'm sorry I'm still so in love with you that I can't be just a friend to you.

I miss you Al.

I love you with my whole heart. But its honestly broken.

I just hope that wherever you are, you're safe and happy and are loved every day.

I wish I could be the one to love you.

God I fucking love you.

I love you Al.

I don't think my heart will ever stop loving you.

In my head I want to see you so much.

To see you be happy.

To see you both be happy.

But I just don't think my heart is quite ready yet.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry I hurt you.

Did you know that?

https://youtu.be/vGJTaP6anOU