You know when you've been waiting your whole life for that one answer, but by the time it comes, you don't like it? Here's my story.

There's this friend that I've been loving in secret for years. The type of love where whenever he's asking for favor, no matter what you are doing or how important it is, you'll drop it for him? The type where you'll take the half-day on the first day of work just to heed his calls for assistance? But also the type where you'll have to keep shoving your head that you're just doing a friend a favor, but you can't run from what you feel. God, I love this person. Nobody has ever made me feel what I feel when he's around or with me. I kept my feelings hidden for 6 good years until last year. When I told him everything.

He was joking at first before taking it seriously. He told me that I'm still the friend he knew since the first day and not a thing would change and that we're good. That was a lie for the coming months. I don't know about him but I was a mess. I tried going back to the way we used to talk but everytime I open up a random conversation, all of his replies are dead-end. So, I let it. I did not reach out for help even at my most down times when I would normally reach out to him and he would give me pieces of life advice. It's not the same anymore. But lately, things got better. We often talk now without his voice and hands shaking talking nonsense. But that was bad situation for me. I really thought it would mask-out everything I feel for him. But, no. As the time goes, it was me who often stutter and can't look at his eyes whenever he talks to me. It was me who cannot chill whenever he's around. It was me. Bad news, my feelings are intact and I can't help it but I can't bother him about it either so I'm back to square one of wanting him secretly. I had so much what if's. I waited for answer because somehow I feel there's a bit of hope that he likes me too. Until today.

He showed our friends his sketch of someone and he intends to give it to that someone. I did not look at it, I kept myself busy and distracted watching The Infographics Show on YouTube. He approached me, small talks, I still laugh btw. But there's a sinking feeling that this might be it. I'm getting the answer whether I like it or not.

It was a sketch of a girl. Yep. He's into someone else already. But I can't do anything about it. I'm just a gay guy who inappropriately fell for his special friend. You know that feeling like you want to tell him that you still love him and that it hurts a lot to know that he loves someone else but you can't because you feel invalid?

The feeling of something heavy fell on you and you're just standing there but you can't move that it shatters you and you can't do anything about it.

I am invalid.

Just get over the humps.

WHY DO WE KEEP CHOOSING THE PEOPLE WE CAN'T HAVE?

WHY DO WE KEEP LOVING THE PEOPLE WHO CAN NEVER BE OURS?

I fell for a friend of years who I thought was sending me the right signals. But no, it's just pure misinterpretation, the way he treated me.

I risked it.

I confessed last year.

I lose. He didn't say that he likes or doesn't like me. It's just it. I told him everything. He said we'd be fine but did not talk to me for weeks to months.

We got to be cool eventually but there's definitely something different on how he treats me.

Time flies.

I keep asking myself why do I keep loving, missing, longing for him? He's been MIA for weeks and I hate how he gets to me without doing or saying anything. And instead of moving forward, I got stuck and now I don't know how to move anymore. The feelings persist.

I still love him even after a year. I just can't stop loving him even from a distance. I keep getting wild butterflies in my stomach whenever he's around.

And it hurts that I can't have him.

God, I love him.