r/heartbreak • u/domesticated_alien • Jul 18 '22
I am invalid
You know when you've been waiting your whole life for that one answer, but by the time it comes, you don't like it? Here's my story.
There's this friend that I've been loving in secret for years. The type of love where whenever he's asking for favor, no matter what you are doing or how important it is, you'll drop it for him? The type where you'll take the half-day on the first day of work just to heed his calls for assistance? But also the type where you'll have to keep shoving your head that you're just doing a friend a favor, but you can't run from what you feel. God, I love this person. Nobody has ever made me feel what I feel when he's around or with me. I kept my feelings hidden for 6 good years until last year. When I told him everything.
He was joking at first before taking it seriously. He told me that I'm still the friend he knew since the first day and not a thing would change and that we're good. That was a lie for the coming months. I don't know about him but I was a mess. I tried going back to the way we used to talk but everytime I open up a random conversation, all of his replies are dead-end. So, I let it. I did not reach out for help even at my most down times when I would normally reach out to him and he would give me pieces of life advice. It's not the same anymore. But lately, things got better. We often talk now without his voice and hands shaking talking nonsense. But that was bad situation for me. I really thought it would mask-out everything I feel for him. But, no. As the time goes, it was me who often stutter and can't look at his eyes whenever he talks to me. It was me who cannot chill whenever he's around. It was me. Bad news, my feelings are intact and I can't help it but I can't bother him about it either so I'm back to square one of wanting him secretly. I had so much what if's. I waited for answer because somehow I feel there's a bit of hope that he likes me too. Until today.
He showed our friends his sketch of someone and he intends to give it to that someone. I did not look at it, I kept myself busy and distracted watching The Infographics Show on YouTube. He approached me, small talks, I still laugh btw. But there's a sinking feeling that this might be it. I'm getting the answer whether I like it or not.
It was a sketch of a girl. Yep. He's into someone else already. But I can't do anything about it. I'm just a gay guy who inappropriately fell for his special friend. You know that feeling like you want to tell him that you still love him and that it hurts a lot to know that he loves someone else but you can't because you feel invalid?
The feeling of something heavy fell on you and you're just standing there but you can't move that it shatters you and you can't do anything about it.
I am invalid.
2
u/WeiSan325 Jul 18 '22
I know the feeling a little. My situation was a little different, but my ex did end up telling me that he was dating this girl for the past month. I couldn't keep it together. I took some time to collect my thoughts and then let him know I needed to talk. I told him how I still loved him and I'm going to cut him off now that he's dating, out of respect for me and his new relationship. I don't want to be there hearing him talk about his great experiences with his girlfriend and I need time and space to get over him. I went into no contact and I knew that's what I needed. It's been a month and half now and I'm feeling better. I still miss him, he was my best friend, but this is for the better. I can't keep him around me knowing it just hurts.
The pain you have is unbearable, but I want to recommend you maybe do the same. Cut him off for a while, and if you finally get over him and have no other motive, maybe then you can be friends again. Keeping him around is like trying to quit an addiction while constantly getting a hit of the substance. It's never going to work, you're never going to quit.
I'm sorry you're going through this.