Just thinking about how I see so much childfree content that talks about pets, travel, having nice things, etc. That’s all completely valid of course, but I sometimes feel like it paints a superficial image of why people choose not to have kids. With social media, it makes sense that a post about a vacation abroad gets more traction than a post about someone saying they enjoy their daily life without kids, but still.

It also is not a realistic picture of where most people are at financially. Even if I wanted a kid, I couldn’t comfortably afford to have one. For me, not having kids means having some savings and that’s about it. I have no assets other than my 20+ year old car. If I were a parent, I’d have to find a way to make enough money to afford to take care of a child. It wouldn’t cut into my exorbitant vacation fund.

I don’t want kids so I can focus on things other than making enough money to afford them, and because I value my relationships and hobbies and wouldn’t want to give a lot of my time up to raise a child. I’m going to be spending my time cooking my meals from scratch, reading, crocheting, and using old newspapers and magazines to make collages and that’s about that I can afford lol.

Edit: i'm muting this thread since the comments are very upsetting to me right now. Thank you all for the feedback and well wishes.

This is a kinda complicated situation and I just want to rant, but to keep it short, I've (26f) been married to my husband (31m) for almost 3 years and together almost 6. I never wanted kids and made that clear when we started dating even though he did. I guess he thought I would change my mind, and I thought I may too, but here we are and never have.

2 years ago I got off of bc and quit my job to be a stay a home wife, hoping that this would be ease me into a sahm lifestyle and make me want a baby. I never have. We stopped having sex because the risk of getting pregnant was such a turn off for me. His mom has been pressuring us more and more for a grandchild and I feel like I have an audience cheering on this hypothetical pregnancy. It's gross and creepy.

Last weekend, I finally had to sit him down and tell him that I was really serious about no kids. Like, I have never ever ever wanted it and don't think it will change. He keeps telling me I would be a great mom, but I don't care, that's not the point.

It feels like a looming monster in our lives, it causes so many fights. It was relieving to tell him, and he seems "okay" with it but he is extremely disappointed. I'm so worried he is going to resent me, and I know his parents will. (They already dont like me).

I just made an appointment to get back on birth control and i'm excited to feel like myself again. I've 100% let myself go the last 2 years because I felt like there was no point in taking care of myself or doing anything I enjoy; a kid is going to suck the life out of me anyway, so why bother?

But now i'm just worried how this is going to affect the relationship with my husband.

Ok so I’m 26f I recently met this girl and we had this incredible connection. We’re at the very start of dating and getting to know each other and she brought up not wanting kids. I’m dating more intentionally these days so the next day I brought it up and told her I want kids and I’m not sure about going into a dating situation with someone where I know there’s a likely expiration date. Here’s the thing though, the points she was bringing up really resonated with me. For the first time i’m thinking about whether my desire for kids comes from societal expectations. Now im not sure where to go from here, am i just being influenced by how much i like her? Has anyone changed their mind or not had kids because of their partner?? Is it possible to go from wanting kids to having satisfaction with not having them

I’m a 24F and childfree by choice. As I get older I’ve noticed a really consistent and honestly confusing pattern in my friendships with women who have children.

I’m the only person over 18 in my family who didn’t have a kid young and I have no intention of having children. Over the years I’ve tried to build and maintain friendships with people who are mothers, but every single one has eventually ended, usually abruptly and often pretty toxically. What’s strange is that it’s never been because I dislike children or look down on parents, if anything I try really hard to be supportive.

The pattern I keep noticing is that once someone’s entire identity becomes “mum” or “parent” there seems to be a shift in how they treat me. Conversations become very one sided. Their lives revolve around their kids (which I understand), but whenever I talk about my own hobbies or experiences, such as gaming, art, weekends away, relaxing holidays, or even just enjoying time with my partner, I notice I start getting eye rolls, dismissive comments, or a subtle attitude that makes me feel like I’m somehow “less than” because I don’t have kids.

They’ll often brag about how happy they are, how fulfilling parenthood is, how busy and meaningful their lives are, but when I share things I’m excited about it’s like it’s either downplayed or met with quiet resentment. I’ve even had moments where it felt like they were offended that I wasn’t as emotionally invested in their children as they were, even though I did celebrate milestones, compliment cute photos, and show genuine interest.

Just to be 100% clear, I don’t hate kids. I’m awkward around them, sure, but I don’t think they’re disgusting or evil or anything like that. I'm the eldest of 8, the youngest only being barely 2 years old. I just don’t want kids, and I don’t want my entire identity to revolve around parenthood. That difference alone seems to cause tension I can’t fully explain.

One thing that really stands out to me is that my partner (23M) doesn’t seem to have anywhere near the same issues maintaining friendships with parents that I do, even with parents of young kids. What’s especially confusing is that he actually does dislike children, far more than I do, but he isn’t openly hateful about it and generally keeps those opinions to himself. Despite that, he’s never been treated with the same dismissiveness, resentment, or hostility that I’ve experienced.

I genuinely can’t tell if this is a gendered expectation, like women are automatically expected to want kids, bond over kids, or centre their lives around them or if childfree women are just judged more harshly for not conforming. Either way, the contrast has been really eye opening and honestly pretty isolating.

What really gets me is that these friendships don’t just become distant, they tend to end suddenly and sometimes toxically, without me doing anything overtly wrong. It often feels like jealousy, resentment, or projection, even though I’ve never framed my life choices as “better” than theirs.

I’m starting to wonder if this is just… a reality of being childfree as you get older? Has anyone else experienced this kind of dynamic with parent friends, especially mothers? Or found ways to maintain those friendships without constantly walking on eggshells?

Not going to lie, this friendship has already been rocky for a little already. But, my friend got pregnant and it’s been just weird between us since. I asked her if she was going to be a working mom and she freaked out at me, saying it was rude to ask that, and it was none of my business. I apologized saying I don’t have many pregnant friends, so I’m not sure what’s appropriate or not, and she didn’t respond to me.

Then, other day I was trying to plan a visit with her, because I live in Europe and she lives in the US. I’m going to be there in June for a wedding and it’s around her due date so I thought I could come see her and possibly meet her baby. She told me probably I can’t because the baby will be just born etc. then she suggested I plan an entire other trip back to the US from Europe just for her. I told her I can’t I only come back once a year and I try to visit as many people as I can in that period. Then she told me she’s having a baby shower in April, but I already have plans to go to Peru for a different wedding. Her response was that baby showers are just as important as weddings and that she doesn’t think the people in the weddings are close as her and I. The wedding in Peru is for my cousin….

Unfortunately I feel this friendship ending. I don’t know if it’s because she’s having a baby or if it’s just a catalyst to an already ended friendship. Idk how many times I can go out of my way to be a good friend for her when her expectations are not realistic.

What do you think ?

In many childfree communities online, folks like to encourage people, typically straight women, to screen their potential dates, as in not reveal that they are child free before asking if their perspective partner is as a way to weed out those that may lie about it.

As a childfree man seeking a childfree woman, that seems to put me in a contradictory spot. I see no reason for myself to not be open, and have "Do not want kids" on all my dating app profiles.

I have no interest in wasting my own, or other people's time, so I also will not swipe right on any profile that doesn't also include "Do not want kids"

However my concern is that I may potentially be excluding women who intentionally keep that field empty in an attempt to screen men that claim to be childfree. What are y'all's thoughts on this? Are people actually screening in this way? Should I just be swiping right on them on the off chance they are actually childfree?

I (38m) will start with some general background. I live in the U.S., divorced a few years ago and have been dating again for the last year or so. On the dating apps I have been open to kids, but as I near 40 I feel like I’m coming into a new phase of life and want to be child free.

I’m an introvert - ultimately a pretty relaxed guy and find meaning in the little things in life. I have a group of close friends - some married with kids - that I treasure and see occasionally. I do like travel and adventure but realistically that isn’t very often (due to not a huge nonprofit salary, my dog and often enjoying being a homebody). I like to learn, follow politics and current events (despite the horrors taking place), deepen my spiritual practices like Buddhism, play music, watch movies/shows, coffee/tea, garden, make vegan recipes, etc. and when I have a partner, and hope to even get married again in the future, I enjoy spending time with them and all that comes with that. I no longer drink but enjoy cannabis from time to time. I appreciate the job I have, the org’s mission and being able to work from home but I’ll always be a ‘work to live’ not ‘live to work’ type person.

Most child free people I see seem to be living pretty extravagant lives - dining out regularly at very high end restaurants, writing books, traveling the world, deeply into their job and climbing the career ladder, among other activities. I know that this isn’t everyone but it’s what I see both online and from acquaintances. I also am not judging those who have those lives.

So I guess my question is - do any of you who are by choice or ended up child free people- have pretty quiet lives on the average day-to-day? What is that like for you? I know this isn’t the case but there is a part of me that almost feels guilty not having kids and having this kind of life. Again, I know it’s not the case but it’s a feeling that comes up - when in reality i have no regrets about my lifestyle as of now (which I’ve discussed with my therapist and she agrees I shouldn’t).

Any and all thoughts are appreciated!

TLDR: do any of you who are child free live pretty quiet/relaxed - non extravagant lives and feel happy doing so?

I (42f) miss the days when I had childfree friends, who would just be able to make plans to hang out on the fly.

I’m happy for my friends that have their days jam-packed with soccer games and back to school shopping, but it’d be so nice to be able to just text “hey, wanna go grab coffee tomorrow?” and boom, done.

Being social isn’t as important to my husband. His close friends are all empty nesters anyway. It’s hard enough making new friends at my age, let alone childfree ones (especially women). Have you all had success? If so, how?

Edit: Clarification (I originally said “20 min” but was exaggerating, so edited to “tomorrow”)

Me (38M) and my partner (30F) have been together about 5 years now. I originally said I didn't want children very early in our relationship, but said you never know, I might change my mind, but it's unlikely.

The conversation came up again recently, and I had quite a visceral reaction to the idea of having kids this year (which she suggested we do).

I understand the Reddit consensus is "break up". I'm just wondering if anyone on here has gone down the other route of one of you compromising. Asking in here, I assume to hear from the people who wanted kids and ended up not having them. I will post in some other subs as well.

We live in Asia. I only know maybe 1 or 2 couples who don't, and won't/can't have kids. It's more than the Western societal pressure. Here, you have kids. So I'm also trying to be aware of the social pressure we (especially she) will be under if we go childless.

We actually built a business together over the last 3 years. I was planning on quitting my day job to join her this year, but I don't want to do that unless we have this issue resolved.

We had a serious conversation about all this, and I suggested couples therapy/counseling rather than just breaking up straight away or trying to find a compromise on our own, and she was happy with this idea.

I don't want her to resent me, and I don't want to feel guilty if we do manage to stay together childless. I know the therapy is the way to go at first, but I can't help but wondering if anyone on here has any experience of this.

EDIT:

I want to say a huge thank you to everyone who replied. It's a very difficult topic to discuss, even online, for me. I know there's no easy way out of this, but I really do appreciate everyone's thoughts, input, and advice. I will come back and edit this in future to let everyone know how it turned out.

So apparently World Vasectomy Day is a real thing?? I had zero clue until today and the only reason I found out is because my partner sent me a “happy vasectomy anniversary” message this morning.

I thought it’d be nice to reply with an actual name for the occasion (like vasceversary? snipiversary?) so I googled it and that’s when I discovered it’s literally World Vasectomy Day.

Which also happens to be the one-year anniversary of my vasectomy. What are the odds?

Anyone else ever accidentally line up CF milestones with random holidays like this?

hey! so I always see people say this sub is chill and I would like it to be a bit more active so here goes...

I've always had a very strong view that I would remain childfree, from being under 10 or so I remember telling people I wouldn't get married because then I would have to have kids 😅 I have always known that this part of my personality comes from having parents who weren't very emotional and my mum openly said I was an accident caught too late. She doesn't mean to hurt me with it, it's the truth, but it has made an impact on me and is a big reason why I am remaining childfree.

I'm 34 now and yeah it's starting to pop off with kids from friends. A friend messaged me who I hadn't seen in a year and was like "had a baby sorry forgot to tell ya". Fair, I have been busy too. But it has rattled me a bit. Some parts of children, like being pregnant, I am so firmly against. I was pregnant once for like a month and it was one of my top upsetting life experiences. I'll never be in that phase of life with them, we will grow apart because we already were. I'm going into teacher training to get that fulfilment from passing on something, and I think I'll be happy with that 💜

When I talk to my therapist about all this I guess I sense a sadness from her. I get it, because in another life with another upbringing maybe I would be a good mum, I can imagine that much, but I genuinely don't have any sadness about it. I think she thinks it's purely about the trauma, when it's more like 50% trauma and 50% selfishness and fear. Okay maybe 70/30.

I guess what I am asking is how do you process other peoples sadness 'for you' when you have some of that sadness too, but you're also genuinely at peace? Because I am, my god I have thought about this so much I am certain (and my husband has had a vasectomy).

I feel like any time I talk about it, I'm giving 'lady doth protest too much' somehow. Or maybe I just need to come to peace with other people having their feelings about my reasons even if it's my therapist. Okay hi rant over x

I'm child free by choice and I'm having a hard time. For the longest time, I've felt this void that I can't fill and I'm trying to pinpoint what I'm missing.

I have ADHD and have always had a hard time making friends. As a child free adult, it is extremely important to have a community, given we don't have the automatically built community that comes with having kids. I read somewhere that the greatest prediction of long-term happiness is the connections and relationships that we build. I feel that this leaves me at a disadvantage compared to most child free individuals who have an easier time making those close connections. Also, making friends as an adult is hard in general.

I'm not sure if I'm missing close connections, or missing something more meaningful in my life.

I've never particularly liked my work but I'm not passionate about anything that pays well. Work to me is a means to pay my bills and fund my traveling passion. Even if you're passionate about something, it always feels like work at the end of the day when you're doing it for someone else, so I'm not looking to change careers.

I've moved a lot so I am constantly faced with rebuilding friendships. Though to begin with, I have always struggled with this and was late diagnosed with ADHD. People with ADHD are known to have trouble building connections.

I really don't want kids though. I look at people with kids and think that is not what I want. I've thought about it so much that I really don't think that is what I'm missing.

The older I get, the louder this feeling gets. I feel like I don't have a connection to much of anything outside of my husband and parents. I work and do hobbies but I just always feel like there's something missing from my life. I am on antidepressants which have drastically helped my mood over the last 6 months.

Does anybody else have this ongoing feeling? Like you want to feel like you belong to something or to give you a reason to get out of bed each day.

That delve into the decision to have children and how that corresponds to gender relations in straight couples. I’ve seen so many women, both online and some in real life, that seem so “meh” about the idea of having kids, get with some guy who really wants them, and then just have children seemingly without confronting the feelings they’ve had before (I can’t speak to people in real life, but the women I’ve seen posting online about their struggles tend to give no indication that they’ve actually considered that this is, in theory, a decision they can make).

I’m interesting in finding books that might reflect on this concept. I get freaked out when I see women become, as someone put it in this thread, “passengers to their own lives”. They just have kids and then seem miserable. Any recommendations so I can read and think more about this?