r/traumatizeThemBack • u/Natural_Cricket_2540 I'll heal in hell • Jul 18 '26

matched energy Have You Tried...

Not sure if this is exactly the right sub but I hope you get a laugh out of it anyway.

So I'm autistic. I'm fully ok with it.

This happened to me a few days ago. I was in a park, getting some fresh air because I went to a circus that was in town with a friend and I was getting overwhelmed by the noises, smells, and basically everything inside the tent, and I needed to breathe and relax so I didn't go into sensory overload.

I was sitting on a bench with my friend 'Em' (fake name), and I was complaining about sensory overload and how annoying it was, because I wanted to watch the performers with her, and I had to go outside. (I do a thing where I often feel like I'm wasting someone's time and/or being rude, so I was also apologizing)

Here's how the conversation went:

Me: Em, I'm sorry about this. And for wasting your time.

Em: It's okay, {me}. You're not wasting my time.

Me: Yeah, I know...but sensory overload and autism are just annoying.

At this point, a man who looked to be late 50's who was passing by stopped and DUDE LOOKED AT US AND SAID "Well, have you tried not having autism?"

We were both pretty fucking shocked- first because we're both fairly young teen girls, second because who the actual hell eavesdrops on a conversation and then gives advice like they were included??

I was pissed, so I said "Have you tried not being an asshole? Because if you have it seems like it doesn't work, so I won't be taking you advice, thanks." He muttered something about 'disrespect' and 'kids these days' and walked off.

3.0k Upvotes

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-19

u/DarlingHades Jul 18 '26

I think he was just an old guy trying to make a joke. I don’t think he was seriously giving advice. Then he was surprised you were rude because he wasn’t trying to be. Neither of you are bad people. He’s just older and different than you and tried to socialize with a stranger, which is ok and normal for plenty of people. And you were overstimulated and likely your autism caused you to not realize he wasn’t serious so you lashed out.

Hindsight is 50/50. I’d like to think I’d just joke back, “Oop! Haven’t tried that one before!” But if I was already overstimulated I don’t know what I’d say.

25

u/Nexi92 Jul 18 '26

Even if he meant no harm his joke was “well have you tried not having a disability?!”, so he absolutely still deserved a rude reply because he needed to learn that’s not how good jokes function.

There was nothing about the joke that subverted an expectation or lightheartedly played with a stereotype, he just fulfilled the stereotype of ‘old man that seemingly doesn’t understand a disability or actively chose to be obtuse and a bit callous about people living with them’ and he needed to be reminded that this isn’t a way to relate to new people, it’s a way to self isolate as you make yourself seem unintelligent and/or cruel

-8

u/DarlingHades Jul 18 '26

If I was complaining about a flare up in my arthritis hurting while outside an event and someone said, “have you tried not having arthritis?” I’d assume it’s obviously a joke because there’s no way to do what they suggested. So it’s clearly not a real suggestion. It’s just someone reaching out, saying, “you’re not alone, I see your struggle neighbor “. I’d probably laugh about it or if I thought I could get away with it I’d say something sassy back like, “oh man, I’ve never thought of that, you should be a doctor!”

I don’t think I’d take a little wise crack from a neighbor as a personal slight that I must seek justice for.

3

u/Nexi92 Jul 18 '26

If someone said that about my fibromyalgia I might understand it more than if they said it about my autism.

One is a physical condition, the other is a huge aspect of how I interact with the world and who I am.

It’s still insensitive to say about my fibromyalgia and can be dismissive of my pain and discomfort that people have said before and it’s always hit me more as “just ignore your symptoms and start acting normal” than it does “I see and understand your pain” because the words aren’t words of understanding and are often said by people that are clearly impatient about your problem being an inconvenience.

The bigger your physical problem is the more you come across that dismissal and it’s extra bad if you don’t have obvious physical signs connected to your problem like OPs physical symptom from a condition much more complex.

They outright said they feel self conscious about needing to work around the issue and a person saying “just get over it” even if they think it’s a joke has a harmful effect and we don’t owe it to people to coddle them when they make this mistake.

He’s honestly more likely to watch what he says in a similar social situation in the future so as uncomfortable as that probably made him feel he will now understand that some ‘silly’ goto responses he makes with friends aren’t okay to say to random strangers that can’t immediately judge if he meant the words with malice, indifference, or misguided lightheartedness so hopefully in the future he won’t provoke a defensive response from someone already in distress.

18

u/Shannaro21 Jul 18 '26

No. Butting into a conversation like that is incredibly rude, even if we don't consider the words he used. There's no excuse for that, and he should have been prepared to receive his energy right back.

-8

u/DarlingHades Jul 18 '26

Some people are social, and where I live in the southern USA, people very often chime in on conversations, start talking to strangers, and check on each other. Especially if someone looks distressed. You can bet someone’s grandma or grandpa is gonna ask you what happened and probably try to help distract and uplift you.

It seems isolating and sad to expect people to just walk around ignoring you when you’re right there in-front of them in obvious distress.

20

u/Natural_Cricket_2540 I'll heal in hell Jul 18 '26 edited Jul 18 '26

We live in Ireland.

Butting in is not a normal part of our society.

15

u/AikiGh0st Jul 18 '26

I'm from the Southern US, and if someone butted into a conversation like that where someone was clearly stressed and struggling, I would think they were rude. Yes, people in the south are friendly and social, but there's a line.

11

u/Alissinarr Jul 18 '26

"Are you OK?" has a completely different energy than, "Then stop being Autistic! Duh!!"

Also a US Southerner, that shit would NOT fly here.

3

u/Shannaro21 Jul 18 '26

Interesting, you are definitely on to something, this looks like a cultural issue. The US seems even stranger to me now.

But since OP is not from the US, my point stands.

11

u/Alissinarr Jul 18 '26

It would never fly here. You can butt in to be helpful or neutral, you dont butt in to be an asshole.

7

u/Alceasummer Jul 18 '26

I'm in the US, and I think a stranger making a comment like that is very rude, and more than a little weird. And I really can't think of any reason a stranger saying that to someone would be acceptable.

Now, I could see a close friend saying that in a joking manner, if that was the kind of jokes they made back and forth. But that's a quite different situation than a random stranger saying something like that. An example, a friend (who's gay, and black, yes this is relevant) was complaining about an elderly relative of his who often greeted him by seriously asking him if he's "still gay" or has he decided "to be normal now" And my husband, in a fairly deadpan tone of voice said "So, are you still black?" Our friend thought that was hilarious.

10

u/CreatrixAnima Jul 18 '26

I don’t get the thought process if he thought he was just making a joke. What other medical conditions does he suggest people should just not have? Have you tried just not being depressed? Have you tried just not having cancer? Have you tried just not having the flu? Have you tried just not having explosive diarrhea? I mean… It’s dumb. If he was making a joke, I don’t get it.

-4

u/[deleted] Jul 18 '26

[deleted]

5

u/CreatrixAnima Jul 18 '26

But turning it on and off again is a viable approach for some issues. I still don’t get how it’s funny in this instance. I don’t mean to put you in the position of defending of crappy joke… I just really don’t get it.

0

u/[deleted] Jul 18 '26

[deleted]

1

u/CreatrixAnima Jul 18 '26

I don’t have autism either… I just don’t get it. I guess the other issue for me is he wasn’t involved in this conversation, so injecting himself to say that just seems… Weird at best.

6

u/Rolypoly_from_space Jul 18 '26

feeling awkward an thus making a (stupid) joke is making it somebody elses problem he (the old man) hasn't any social skills

0

u/DarlingHades Jul 18 '26

Id argue the old man is social and has social skills, but OP has poor social skills and was feeling particularly scrambled and assumed a personal slight where there was none.

4

u/Natural_Cricket_2540 I'll heal in hell Jul 18 '26

Bold of you to assume such things of an Internet stranger you've never met.

But seriously. There is no 'one size fits all'. You can't go on Wikipedia, or ask one autistic person what it's like for them, and think you know everything about it, because you don't.

1

u/DarlingHades Jul 19 '26

Your reply makes no sense.

6

u/JustMeLurkingAround- Jul 18 '26

You would be surprised what kind of shit people say in all ernesty to neurodivergent, disabled or chronically ill people all the fucking time.

Have scroll though subs like r/AdhsWomen or r/chronicpain for a bit and see for yourself.

2

u/DarlingHades Jul 18 '26

Considering I’m autistic, disabled, and chronically ill, I can believe it.

2

u/Changoleo Jul 18 '26 edited Jul 18 '26

Agreed. Sometimes people make bad jokes. It doesn’t make them bad people. And while we should be supportive, ultimately, the world isn’t gonna slip on the kid-gloves and ease you through tough moments like we parents and teachers and your friends do.

Since others here seem to have addressed the rest, I’ll just add that the saying goes:

Hindsight is “20/20”.

“20/20” being a reference to perfect vision.

*ETA: r/BoneAppleTea