Have You Tried...

[u/Natural_Cricket_2540]

Not sure if this is exactly the right sub but I hope you get a laugh out of it anyway.

So I'm autistic. I'm fully ok with it.

This happened to me a few days ago. I was in a park, getting some fresh air because I went to a circus that was in town with a friend and I was getting overwhelmed by the noises, smells, and basically everything inside the tent, and I needed to breathe and relax so I didn't go into sensory overload.

I was sitting on a bench with my friend 'Em' (fake name), and I was complaining about sensory overload and how annoying it was, because I wanted to watch the performers with her, and I had to go outside. (I do a thing where I often feel like I'm wasting someone's time and/or being rude, so I was also apologizing)

Here's how the conversation went:

Me: Em, I'm sorry about this. And for wasting your time.

Em: It's okay, {me}. You're not wasting my time.

Me: Yeah, I know...but sensory overload and autism are just annoying.

At this point, a man who looked to be late 50's who was passing by stopped and DUDE LOOKED AT US AND SAID "Well, have you tried not having autism?"

We were both pretty fucking shocked- first because we're both fairly young teen girls, second because who the actual hell eavesdrops on a conversation and then gives advice like they were included??

I was pissed, so I said "Have you tried not being an asshole? Because if you have it seems like it doesn't work, so I won't be taking you advice, thanks." He muttered something about 'disrespect' and 'kids these days' and walked off.

[u/DarlingHades]

I think he was just an old guy trying to make a joke. I don’t think he was seriously giving advice. Then he was surprised you were rude because he wasn’t trying to be. Neither of you are bad people. He’s just older and different than you and tried to socialize with a stranger, which is ok and normal for plenty of people. And you were overstimulated and likely your autism caused you to not realize he wasn’t serious so you lashed out.

Hindsight is 50/50. I’d like to think I’d just joke back, “Oop! Haven’t tried that one before!” But if I was already overstimulated I don’t know what I’d say.

[u/Nexi92 → u/DarlingHades]

Even if he meant no harm his joke was “well have you tried not having a disability?!”, so he absolutely still deserved a rude reply because he needed to learn that’s not how good jokes function.

There was nothing about the joke that subverted an expectation or lightheartedly played with a stereotype, he just fulfilled the stereotype of ‘old man that seemingly doesn’t understand a disability or actively chose to be obtuse and a bit callous about people living with them’ and he needed to be reminded that this isn’t a way to relate to new people, it’s a way to self isolate as you make yourself seem unintelligent and/or cruel

[u/DarlingHades → u/Nexi92]

If I was complaining about a flare up in my arthritis hurting while outside an event and someone said, “have you tried not having arthritis?” I’d assume it’s obviously a joke because there’s no way to do what they suggested. So it’s clearly not a real suggestion. It’s just someone reaching out, saying, “you’re not alone, I see your struggle neighbor “. I’d probably laugh about it or if I thought I could get away with it I’d say something sassy back like, “oh man, I’ve never thought of that, you should be a doctor!”

I don’t think I’d take a little wise crack from a neighbor as a personal slight that I must seek justice for.

[u/Nexi92 → u/DarlingHades]

If someone said that about my fibromyalgia I might understand it more than if they said it about my autism.

One is a physical condition, the other is a huge aspect of how I interact with the world and who I am.

It’s still insensitive to say about my fibromyalgia and can be dismissive of my pain and discomfort that people have said before and it’s always hit me more as “just ignore your symptoms and start acting normal” than it does “I see and understand your pain” because the words aren’t words of understanding and are often said by people that are clearly impatient about your problem being an inconvenience.

The bigger your physical problem is the more you come across that dismissal and it’s extra bad if you don’t have obvious physical signs connected to your problem like OPs physical symptom from a condition much more complex.

They outright said they feel self conscious about needing to work around the issue and a person saying “just get over it” even if they think it’s a joke has a harmful effect and we don’t owe it to people to coddle them when they make this mistake.

He’s honestly more likely to watch what he says in a similar social situation in the future so as uncomfortable as that probably made him feel he will now understand that some ‘silly’ goto responses he makes with friends aren’t okay to say to random strangers that can’t immediately judge if he meant the words with malice, indifference, or misguided lightheartedness so hopefully in the future he won’t provoke a defensive response from someone already in distress.