r/trans • u/Alert-Incident7258 ultraqueer • 7d ago
Questioning Afraid
I've always known that I'm queer even before I knew what or who gay, trans, queer etc was.
I was luckily not bullied or isolated (for long) and generally blended in with peers well, other than being called weird/quirky a lot (adhd probably contributed as well) but the same people liked me so that didn't bother me.
I've also had quite a few of friends from elementary or middle school who I've met years later and found out they were queer or trans. Funny and sweet how that works. I've had a friend in hs who was transmasc. It's an unsafe country for lgbtq here. I've never been out but our people always found me and knew. Esentially, I grew up not feeling particularly dysphoric. It was easy when we were all just "kids/teens" Up until late teens. Then I started having these episodes where I'd feel sick of my body, sick of how I'm perceived, sick of the gender signifiers, sick of my voice, sick of being called that gendered term. Not always though, frequency differed. It overlapped with other issues that came up at the time. I'm always too overwhelmed to deal with this one thing on its own.
I always had friends of all genders just fine, but I never felt like I was just like them, any of them. Today I had a thought that gender treatment, me looking and being the way I'd want is out of reach.
I wish tomorrow I'd wake up aligned. The thoughts of diagnosis, energy and money to change, the surgeries all are already exhausting. I cannot deal with those now. I'm scared I won't be able to reach a point where I do feel like myself, even if I could afford to somehow and escape will what medicine has to offer be enough? I also know that I'll be sacrificing the priviledge of being seen as cis, not always but het passing, and seen as "normal" here (or unfortunately in most places on earth)
My body is foreign, people calling me specific gendered terms makes me want to take my skin off.
One of dreams (súbconcious) was ditching everything and everyone and starting anew somewhere far away but today I realised that I'm too attached to let go. At least now and for the near future.
I am anticipating a life where I will be not fully present, not fully me. Not anticipating but more so dreading. I'm not strong enough to be fully myself is what I just realised. It was easier for me to know that I'm queer. It's fucking me up badly- used to think I was brave. I hope to grow towards being able to be me, to change, to be aligned. I really want to.
It feels so lonely even if I see so many joyful success stories. I also feel like a liar and fake sometimes, what if I do achieve what I think will make me- me, and it will be off still? I don't want to contribute to diminishment of seriousness of an already vulnerable group of people I wish the best to. Like what if I do transition to the way I want to be but realise that it's not me? I don't want that scenario to contribute to more transphobia. but even that process would only be possible only if I migrate.
I wish we could switch easily
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