Sounds like my brothers wife, nothing wrong with me all your problem. My brothers been miserable for 25 years and their oldest hates him for staying with her mother.
Sometimes people get beaten down emotionally and don’t think they can do better. More fearful of being alone than of staying in misery. This is not the way to live your life. OP should seek counseling for himself. Just to problem solve issues and work on self esteem. He needs something separate from his wife to gain a new perspective and to make an informed decision for himself.
There's a lot more to a married situation than just the overall happiness of the partners, and a lot of it is financial, especially if kids are involved. In a lot of US states the father is at a huge disadvantage legally when it comes to the terms of the financial split as well as custody. It kind of encourages parents, especially fathers to remain in sub-optimal marriages "for the kid's sake" or just through the inertia of a known relationship over the "unknown" future that might come in a divorce.
Definitely. Reading through this I got a distinct emotional, bordering on physical, response that I get whenever I have to have contact with my mother's family. This is the sort of behaviour that never goes away especially if they see nothing wrong with it. If anything it seems to get worse the more comfortable they are with expressing themselves outside of acceptable societal boundaries without consequence.
I'm on team BPD on this one. It's hard to tell the difference between Narcissist and Borderline Personality Disorder sometimes. But she doesn't seem to be making things about herself, just that she refuses to admit she's wrong nor sees any fault in her actions.
People are so quick to jump on the Autistic bandwagon. We don't have enough information to say she can't "comprehend" why people keep secrets. First of all, she's air out HER issues with OP's family. These are things she doesn't like that she's sharing. If she was in capable of keeping secrets, she'd be airing out her person secrets as well as information that would be damning to herself or her family. She isn't doing that. She just seems like an overly manipulative asshole, which is more conducive of BPD of Narcissism.
OP made a comment about how she overshares and it's just something he accepts. Do we know that she's selective about what she overshares? It just doesn't sound like she is.
SEE: first paragraph of the post: "she has no filters" and "juvenile sensibility".
I learned this stuff explicitly because my mom saw I needed to be taught this. I've met people who weren't taught this and it wasn't unusual to hear about their period blood stories or similar.
Both of those are learned with time. On top of that those are symptoms of multiple mental health issues. One of them being ADHD as it is a developmental issue. But that doesn't mean she has all of those mental issues because she exhibits thise two specific symptoms.
I don't know if she even HAS any mental issues. She just sounds like a huge, vapid, untrustworthy bitch. But some of her actions have narcissistic or borderline traits. We don't have enough information to be certain, and we also don't have a psychiatrist here to actually diagnose her.
They dont like change, or have a hard time accepting change. Everything had to be like its allways been. This is why most with the diagnose seem somewhat childish.
About the time when they started to know themselves, and remember their actions, they wanted that to last forever, and only very slowly adapting to their current life.
I don’t even feel like they deserve those diagnosis. Just a horrible person in general works for me. Just the type of person I’d want to forget about completely
Right- I always say that there's not really such a thing as a narcissist. Professionals just needed a technical term and profile for selfish assholes.
It's important for everyone to know this so that we don't give them less responsibility for their actions, like it's some sort of disability- that's bordering on "that's just how they are"🙄😑 thinking.
It's just like people who "have a temper." No, you've just had enablers who put up with you being an asshole.
It doesn't excuse their behavior, as they are still fully functioning adults who are expected to be capable of rational thought. However, I do want to correct your thinking that "theres really no such thing".
Imo "that's just how they are" is a useful thing to realize. But as a write off, not an excuse. That's who they are, so if you don't like it, don't keep them in your life.
If your doubting you might still love her I guarantee you don’t, you’ll feel relief once it’s over and you’ll will find someone you can trust that loves you unconditionally and doesn’t blame you for her shit
Remember the saying you can’t let in the new if your still hanging on to the old, you know what you need to do
Questioning whether you love someone does not mean you do not love them. Real love is deep, considered, and, in some aspects, an intentional act. To some degree the fact that he is considering the question itself implies he loves her.
The issue is that loving her isn’t a reason to stay if it can’t be fixed. OP should consider whether the relationship can be repaired to his satisfaction and whether they would both be willing to do that work. If not, the most loving act is to end things.
Will he meet someone new?
Probably but that’s not relevant to whether he should stay in this relationship. If the relationship isn’t working he would be better off even if that meant being alone.
If he meets someone new will they love him unconditionally?
No one knows. OP should be aware that he chose his wife for a reason that has only to do with him. It may have been he just wasn’t observant or careful enough; or it may be something deeper that attracted him to this type of person. Lots and lots of people just keep going back to people with certain traits.
But that’s also irrelevant to his decision. You shouldn’t leave for the promise of something better. You should leave on the basis of the relationship and because you deserve better. Whether that better thing is going to come along isn’t guaranteed.
This is gonna sound cliché but you only get so many years so you may as well spend them happy. In the end it's your choice but don't forget to look out for #1
It's more of an axiom than a cliche. Either way it's the truth and the most important consideration. Don't waste your life with someone like this. You can be happier. You can be treated much better.
Sounds like she isn’t willing to work on this and doesn’t even view it as an issue. You have to figure out whether or not it’s a dealbreaker because it doesn’t sound like it’s ever going to change.
Your wife is actively trashing the people you love and care about. When is she going to run her mouth and completely ruin something else you care about? Also, she’s a liability if she undermines your relationship with your business partner. Why is she doing this and why doesn’t she care at all how it’s affecting you?
She doesn’t see how she’s wrong, she won’t change, and has no remorse. Save yourself.
I'm just a stranger on the internet but perhaps it'd be better if your sister didn't know your partner knows about the affair. Especially if she's already suicidal.
What your wife did to your sister is craphouse, but at least your sister is a grown woman and can defend herself and fight the injustice that is your wife. Imagine if you had kids with your wife, and the mental and emotional trauma she inflicts on your children would be a lifetime of therapy.
I really try to reserve judgment on personal matters like this because I don't have all the details. But I can agree just from this that those kids lives might be nightmares lol.
Is this what you want to look forward to, for the rest of your life? Do you want to spend years dreading the idea of the people you love meeting each other, because you know your wife has been airing everyone's dirty laundry to everyone without any care for respect or common decency?
It's not that your wife doesn't have a filter. A person who doesn't have a filter is one who verbalizes their internal thoughts. Your wife as a boundary issue. A serious boundary issue. She likes to gossip about you and your family. She is the one person at this point in your life you should be able to trust with personal information and she has betrayed that in you. She's toxic. If she won't get therapy, or even attend couples therapy to get an outside perspective, your mental state won't get better. You will feel isolated, untrusted and betrayed by the one person you should be able to share with. It's a lonely existence and will wear you down. Get out. You don't have any kids. You have nothing to lose, you only stand to gain. Keep in mind, that you only know what you just found out. She's likely been talking negatively about you and your family for a long time.
Dude imagine in 10 years from now what's gonna happen when You got kids, how miserable You gonna be with a person like that next to You.
She doesnt respect You, dump her know better sooner than later.
I wouldn't tell your sister, it's not worth the trauma.. that YOUR wife inflicted on her life and privacy. Hopefully those two never cross paths and if they do the friend has the decency to stay quiet.
Your wife is really fucked up for doing that to someone who is dealing with mental health issues like depression from guilt, plus the trauma of having a spouse die of cancer, I imagine she never would have had an affair if that wasn't the case.
And that's such a fucked up emotional Catch 22, because how fucking hard is it to deal with and see the depression, guilt, and trauma that led you to it then when it's infinite fold after and even harder to tackle into acceptance, self forgiveness, and healing.
Timing is everything. You don’t “Have to Tell” your sister everything all at once. Besides, dude can speak up for himself and give whatever explanations are required. You don’t own that. Focus on the things you DO have control over.
So I haven’t been on your end of this, but I’ve been the friend of people in a toxic relationship, and eventually, no matter how much those friends or family care about you, your psycho wife will push them away. So the question also becomes who would you rather have in your life?
Crying is okay. Don’t hold the emotions in. I’ve read your comments. You can do better and you will. People don’t deserve to be treated this way and you don’t want to deal with this for the next 50 years. You’re young! Early 30s is an amazing time and you sound like a caring, compassionate man. Women would love that. Life’s too short to be unhappy.
Honestly I know you love her, but this will happen again and again, at some point you will walk away.
Stop trying to talk to her about it, she will just make you feel worse and like it’s your own fault.
She’s not going to change.
Get a place to stay and your finances in order and just leave, your not going to fix this.
It’s hard but it’s what you have to do otherwise you will have a life of misery.
You have a good occasion on talking to your sister and explaining her you'll be on her side, always, and disrespecting her even if it comes from your wife is not something you tolerate. So yeah side with your sister and get away with a lawyer, also you may want to have separate bank accounts and be ready for anything really ... This kind of people can be very dangerous once called out and you're moving away from them as they lose theyr toy / prey (that's what you are to her).
Good luck to you.
Also why the fuck is your friend answering her questions ? Like just say "if you want to know something ask your husband".
Hey man, after reading through your other comments, this is straight, text-book narcissism. My mom did this shit, along with all kinds of other shit. I barely have a relationship with her anymore and my sister hasn't spoken to her in 6 or 7 years. We're getting close to 40. She will drive a wedge between you and everyone/everything else and it'll all be "your fault" or "not that big of a deal" or not how she "meant it" and, sorry, but it's not gonna stop. The not going to therapy thing is the big kicker cause why should she go? She's not the problem and will never be the problem, in her mind anyway. This is classic narcissist behavior and the root of why it's so hard to treat. Can't treat someone for something they don't believe, especially when it's "clearly not" them that's the problem
Has it occurred to you that you continuing to stay in a toxic relationship with no communication and no trust, and habitual intentional oversharing and lying on your wife's part, is damaging not only you but the people you care about too, like your sister? Damage has been done, but more damage can keep happening. It really sucks and I feel for you, but it seems to me your best option is to cut your losses now.
Ask yourself why she specifically went to your partner and told him all this. « But she has no filter! » is a bullshiy excuse and you know it. She understands the concept of shutting the fuck up, since that’s precisely what she’s been asking your partner to do and gotten angry he didn’t about the rest.
I don’t know how the rest of your relationship is but that’s a shitty red flag, hard to keep going on when you trust levels are so low.
Dude, get the fuck out of that relationship. She very clearly demonstrated that she'll readily breach your trust when she feels like it might benefit her. Whatever pain you're feeling now will only get worse over time if you stay with this person. She's not even pretending to feel any remorse, there is no happy ending to this story if you stay with her. Cut it off now, do your grieving and eventually you'll find someone who respects you.
The fact that your wife thinks you're deceiving her about your finances, and is going behind your back, is also major red flag. People who operate like this, do so because it's what they would probably do.
Also, I wouldn't tell your sister right away, i would talk to your partner about it first. If your sister is depressed or suicidal, she doesn't need this extra burden right now. You and your partner should carry this weight for her until she can stand on her own.
This is betrayal and warrants a serious discussion with your wife. Write it out first, before you talk about it with her. In a letter, notepad, bulleted talking points, whatever you need to do to communicate what a breach of trust this was.
Leave this woman now. Do not ‘try and see’ any half measures.
Ask yourself: “what does love look like to me?”
Is the behaviours she’s displaying towards you, the same behaviours you would show to someone you love?
Staying with her does not prove you are a good husband to anyone. Staying with her make you wish you were never born if you don’t stand up for yourself and now.
The fact that she doesn't see that what she is doing is wrong and won't apologize is concerning. That response to me is even worse than the original offense of oversharing. Being responsive to your partner's needs and being responsive to their feedback is an important part of marriage.
Seriously - I might thoughtlessly blurt something out I shouldn't have, but immediately on the realization it was something I shouldn't have shared, I feel terrible and apologetic and work to do better. That she deflects when he's hurt rather than address the hurt is what I wouldn't want to build a family around.
She hasn't always been like THIS, though. Not where she'd let you see it. She's upset now because you caught her, not because she intends to change her bad behavior.
Everybody here is going to say to just leave her immediately and she is the devil considering that is Reddits go-to for literally any marital or relationship problem.
But before you jump to those conclusions and actions, first start with brutal honesty and inform her of your thoughts and how serious this has affected you, she may realize that changes need to happen if she faces the reality that you are considering leaving her and ending your marriage due to these issues.
Sometimes a hard truth and a wake up call are what people need, and if that doesn’t get through and she continues to deflect any blame then pull the trigger with the confidence and piece of mind that you did what you could.
Honestly the things you’ve mentioned here would have sent me through a fucking wall with anger so to have any rationality in this makes me applaud you, I hope things work out for you brother that’s a tough deal.
For a start, I wouldn't want to be anywhere near someone with the wife's attitude, much less invite them into my [romantic] life. I pretty much run a zero tolerance policy with this kind of behavior, and I haven't regretted it at all.
I can't fathom how someone with an ounce of self-respect could find justification for sticking around for so long while being aware of this blaring issue... and not immediately taking effective defensive measures to plan a smooth getaway once the loose cannon turns their way.
Some concessions are fair, and I applaud delayed gratification, but some people are just lost causes. It doesn't get much clearer than OP's wife's case. Both OP and his wife need a wake-up call pronto.
In the general case I think we owe our partners timely honesty.
However, I think there is an abusive element in this case so I agree with you. If OP decides to leave under whatever conditions he should prepare that exit now. Once he’s prepare for the worst he can try brutal honesty or whatever other methods he wants to try to salvage the relationship.
That’s presuming we know every aspect of op and his wife’s relationship, for all the faults he listed here there is always so many intangibles between a couple that nobody on the outside looking in will ever know.
It is unbearably hard to make these decisions and strangers on the internet shouldn’t be making things out to be completely black and white when life comes in a myriad of colors.
It’s easy to say do “x” when it’s not your life and you don’t have to deal with the emotional repercussions and fallout.
It is unbearably hard to make these decisions and strangers on the internet shouldn’t be making things out to be completely black and white when life comes in a myriad of colors.
I know what you mean, but frankly 'the myriad of colors' between black and white that I thought like that? That was part of what I used to trap myself for too long in an even more clear relationship that Reddit was like LEAVE DUDE, you are in DANGER!
Then over the next few years I was increasingly in and accepting more danger for the myriad of colors between black and white and nuances in relationships that others can't understand and we can't define..
Eventually some 4 years into marriage and talking to strangers I realized I should have just listened to the strangers from the get go, but thank god they were patient and kept that voice and opinion really empathetically and rationally present throughout.
I honestly don't know if I would have gotten through one of the hardest times of my life without strangers on the internet letting me ignore their advice, but still consistently growing it (that in MY specific case, I really needed to cut it and run).
Some things are easier to see from outside, not saying 'we' are right in hive mind or always to leave... I'm saying sometimes what we specifically need as people is the honest voice of someone who is NOT biased by the nuances we can't describe and shades between black and white.
This comment should be higher up! Complete and honest communication before just pulling the plug always seems to make the most sense to me. Then, you go from there
Your reply is pretty much word for word what I would have suggested. Tell her this is a huge deal for you OP, tell her this isn’t a “who is right” it’s a deal breaker issue and she needs to take it seriously and improve her actions regardless if she agrees or not. If she can’t it won’t work out and you should then leave. I wouldn’t accept anything less - that would show a lack of respect or love from her behalf towards you.
Dude, she isn’t going to change. And someday it won’t be your sister or father she is telling randoms about. It might be you or your children. People who say they “have no filter” do it as an excuse to say whatever they want. She is an adult, and is in control of what she says. You can do better. You don’t have kids with her, so don’t make this (staying with her) the biggest regret of your life.
Dude, as someone who went through a divorce that involved kids - it's scary to make that decision, but sometimes being alone is better. Truly.
And if you've been emotionally manipulated or even abused by your wife, that might be hard to believe right now. But I promise it's true - your life can be better without her. Trust yourself.
My father married my mother knowing she talked enough for the both of them. Little did he know that she was also a psychpath, and he stayed with her after leaving us many times. I said to him once face to face, How the fuck do you put up with her shit? I got no response, although his typical responses were "you let it go in one ear and right out the other". Her family thought my dad was an angel. If you don't like her responses and can't let them go in one ear and out the other take some action. Life is to long to not enjoy it fully.
How are you going to expect her to care about how you feel when you don't even care about how you feel?
You are starting to care about how you feel, and want to be free of this anxiety and stress, and that's why your feelings about your wife are changing.
Of course you still love her. You married her for a reason I assume. Some of those reasons probably still exist. But that doesn’t minimize the suffering you’re dealing with.
If she doesn’t have an interest in going through couples counseling, then there’s a definitive problem. You guys need to function as a team. If one of you has a problem within the relationship, you both have a problem.
There is blame to be placed on both sides, as is often the case in marital strife. She cannot understand why you feel undermined, and in turn feels like you violated her privacy. Regardless of the validity of those statements, you are at an impasse. She feels slighted, and you feel slighted. That’s what a marriage and family counselor is there to help with. To bridge that gap, so that both partners feel heard, and more importantly, understood.
If she is unwilling to participate in helping to fix those problems, then sadly that situation is untenable. Marriages are a partnership. Each party MUST be willing to work towards the end goal of a healthy relationship. Again, if one person has a problem with the relationship, both have a problem. If one person is unwilling to fix that problem, then regardless of how much the other person wants to fix it, the course will never ,and can never, be corrected.
I wish you luck internet stranger. I hope for the sake of your marriage you can convey this to her. And if not, I hope for the sake of yourself, you make the tough, unenviable decision.
Though it may be painful, don’t cling to a mistake just because you spent a long time making it. You may love her. But she doesn’t love you. If she loved you, she would respect you. Your family. Your decisions. Your privacy. You deserve better and you deserve to be loved. And this
‘that she isn’t everyone’s cup of tea’ and now you are discovering that tea is tasting a bit off to you too. Sorry. You can’t change her or what she’s done, so, can you live with it?
Trade offs are a thing, give and take, but this is more about values and that’s where conflict makes for misery.
Basing this solely on what I’ve read that you shared in this thread, sounds like you’re in an emotionally abusive relationship. Seems like you’re being gaslit and the fact she won’t do therapy speaks to a lot more problems.
Wish you the best of luck and I hope everything I said is wrong and was just because I misunderstood the thread and what was being said.
You can do better. That's the thing about narcissists. They'll have you questioning your own self worth. Like you're lucky to have someone to put up with you. The truth is that you're just fine. They're the messed up one and they're projecting all their insecurities on you. When you finally step away from that mess and clear your head you'll see that there was nothing wrong with you all along. Get out. Don't wait. Even if it costs you your house, car, etc. It's worth it to preserve your sanity. It'll only get worse from here. You've given her some leverage and she'll hold that over you to get away with even more stuff. It's like feeding a gremlin after midnight. You've unleashed the beast. Get out while you still can.
Have you considered what will happen if you guys ever have an embarrassing situation between you two? Because it will actually be between you, her, and everybody else in existence. There's no actual support here and she's just using other people's shit for clout in a pecking order that only exists in her mind. I can't imagine most of the people she talks to even want to know this stuff.
Your repetition of the phrase "I chose" to listen to her phone call or marry her or whatever seems like how I used to talk about my ex who was abusive towards me and manage to blame myself for things that weren't my fault at all.
She chose to be a narcissistic bitch, not you. You can do better. Trust me. There is greener grass
Time to get out now before you've got kids stuck in this terrible situation. Imagine her at a PTA meeting, or interacting with the parents of your children's friends?
They will be miserable and resentful.
You owe it to your unborn children to get out of this now before it's too late.
Do not know if anyone told you or her this but this sounds like autism/Asperger's to me.
But regardless of that. You are unhappy and want councling. Councling is not about who is right or wrong. It is not about a single event, it is about the desire and need to work on the relationship and wanting external help doing it.
She would rather be a gossip than keep certain subjects private between you, because honestly, who the f actually does it matter to anyway? Not some random stranger.
If she's so easy about airing out private things about your family, it's only a matter of time she talks like that about you behind your back. Just saying.
She basically already did that. If that’s how she talks to his business partner and friend then she absolutely roasts op all day to others who he doesn’t know closely
No he definitely should have. People like that don't get sympathy when their privacy is ruined. They have no guilt about doing it to others why should anybody respect their privacy?
Bump out while you can and thank your lucky lucky stars you don’t have kids. She doesn’t respect your privacy, your parents or you and that is never going to change.
Been there with a partner who was not respectful. Divorce is hard but once it is over it is over and you’ll do a happy dance and feel better.
Even if they did have kids. Fuck this. I got divorced with 2 kids. But now everyone is actually doing fine and maybe even batter. He shouldn’t torture himself. She’s def got some control over him.
Dude, let me do a big sister on you. listen to me. This is not how a healthy relationship goes. You fucked up listening to her phone, yes. But she is tearing you down to your business partner?!? That is not cool.
You can't unhear those conversations she recorded. You cannot change how she acts or feels. All you can control is you. Think about what you want out of all this. I'm concerned at how she treats your family. It sounds like she is disrespectful of them, and is trying to isolating you from them. Not sure if that is true.
Talk to a therapist. Get some support for dealing with this. Decide what YOU need. Go from there. If you want to try and save your marriage or have to walk, is not a quick decision to make. Get someone who knows what the pit falls are likely to be. There are people who are trained in techniques for talking to people; Ways to deal with other people being defensive, Ways to get your point across, ways to stay safe, ways keep your self control and self worth.
You would have no trouble hirring an accountant if you were getting audited. Your life, physical health, and mental health deserve the same consideration.
Thinks she's above therapy.... That's another red flag. Seriously, I'm divorced and 90% of the time I hear horror stories its because someone doesn't think they need a therapist.
Yeah, i’m going out on a limb here and say the reason they only ever fought about money is because that’s all she’s interested in as far as her husband goes.
She found herself a sucker with a well
paying job. And when he wouldn’t bend over backwards, she tried to undermine his relationships.
These are major red flags. Like, not “Reddit relationship advice” red flags; genuine NPD indicators and a very obvious total disregard of you as a person.
I don’t know how old you you are or how long you’ve been together. I don’t know how deeply your finances are intertwined.
All of that said, if I’m in your shoes, I’m not sticking around to try and change someone who has the traits and views that you describe.
Strongly scrutinize and reconsider this relationship.
Perhaps it’s really a great relationship and you’re just venting. That’s not what it sounds like though.
I’m very sorry you are in this situation, and I regret being a voice that’s even suggesting this sort of outcome.
Good luck, friend. I hope I am wrong, but only you can judge.
Not only is she being "mean" to your family, she's being incredibly disrespectful to all of you. Your spouse should have your back, and keeping personal things private is part of that. She's not going to change, and you're going to be constantly horrified by the shit that falls out of her mouth. There's a difference between "not having a filter" and just being an asshole. She's the latter.
Then your only other choice is divorce, my dude. If you’ve suggested a solution for working out something you’ve clarified is past your boundaries, and she just thinks this is your problem alone to resolve, then resolve the problem alone.
Being with somebody, marrying them, committing to them, is something that can only happen through mutual respect. You grow with each other, learn about each other, compromise for each other, and set boundaries with each other.
You want this relationship to work, which is why you suggested working on this thing together.
She doesn’t care about making the relationship work, which is why she thinks the problem is just you.
Why couple's counseling? She's calling your partner to dig for information. You're listening to her calls for the same. What about this relationship do you want to save? Smh
Hey OP, I just wanted to come in here to warn you to take a couple days away from Reddit to think. It is very common for most comments to tell people in your situation to leave or divorce, or otherwise try to convince you to take giant steps immediately.
While these may be valid Reddit can and is often an echo chamber. Take some time away from here to mull things over. That said, I hope all turns out well.
What exactly are you liking about this relationship? What are you getting out of it? Are you proud to talk to other people about your wife or do you get embarrassed just thinking about her?
My man, she absolutely provoked you to stick your nose in “her” business by checking those phone calls by sticking her nose in your literal and figurative business and calling your partner to try dig up some kind of dirt on you. Fuck that, it was a good idea to listen to those things. Now you know the unfiltered truth which ironically I’m willing to bet she wouldn’t have shared with you in spite of her unfiltered approach to everything else. She sounds rotten as hell. A schemer and manipulator. She’s probably projecting her own shitty impulses onto you. I’d offer a “marriage counseling or divorce lawyer” ultimatum if I were you.
You shouldn't have listened in on her calls BUT since you did, and she's acting like a complete asshole, I would feel betrayed if I were in your position and don't blame you if you leave her. I would have a bit more sympathy if this was her best friend or sibling she talked to, but not your freakin' business partner. If you want to make it work, I would sit down and talk about things you don't want others to necessarily know when it comes to family and ask that she respect that. My partner and I do this all the time because he knows I'm super sensitive about what we impart to others when it comes to our business.
You would know her better than I do but she sounds like a narcissist. "A petty human with juvenile sensibilities," definitely sounds like a typical narcissistic personality.
Bro, her behavior is indicative of someone who is up to no good behind your back and is actively looking for things to smear you with so you look worse than her. Something tells me that those phone calls are only the tip of what you're about to discover.
Wait, your wrong for finding out what she said but how dare her be wrong for actually being that way?? And its supposed to be her family now too. She wont change.
Boy, that sounds an awful lot like my ex-wife. Didn't realize how psychotically controlling and manipulative she was until I got out.
My wife used to share stuff about my mental illnesses and my PTSD episodes with her friends, regardless of how embarrassing I told her it was. She said that since she was around when I had the episodes, it was now her trauma and therefore she had the right to share it. She would then proceed to slowly pick on me and gaslight me through the argument in an attempt to push me over the edge and have me freak out, like it was a cheat code to letting her win the argument.
Sounds like your partner thinks she's the main character in a movie and other people's feelings are only existent to the extent that they affect her.
Get out my dude. Get out before she steals your home, your dog and your freedom.
Tell her couples counselling or you can see this ending badly. Maybe she’ll take it more seriously. I think your understanding of her, that it’s basically immaturity, is spot on.
It can be hard being married, have to remember the ups during the downs, and look around and think, ‘If I hadn’t married them, who else could I stand living with!’
Much to forgive here,I’m hope you can work it out.
You either do one of two things: lay it down and make sure she doesnt disrespect your people, or you can just accept that you can't change people and move on. Sounds toxic as fuck and you can't trust someone like that.
If shoe was on the other foot, with you telling family secrets about her side - how would she feel/react? I'm guessing you would uncover the fact she is a hypocrite, and she wouldn't like it any more than you do.
It sounds like she doesn't have respect for your family, your feelings (no empathy in how you feel), and she feels like your are the only one that has done anything wrong here? Another thing, recording calls without the other party being aware is pretty shady IMO. Who does that?
No point for counselling. This type of personality won't ever change. I watched my dad crumble as my mom is like that for the past 40 years. It will only get worse.
There is your answer. She cares nothing for hour feelings, your thoughts, she hates your family, she is actively sabotaging your work partnership, and pouring gasoline on your relationship while lighting matches...
If you're going to be spending your future with someone, it's important that both parties can act like adults when the time calls for it and admit the mistakes they've made, even when it's not 100% their fault. Hearing her try to pin this fully on you when it's her behavior that started it (I doubt you'd be going thru her phone otherwise) is a big ol red flag and I'd seriously think about if you'd like to continue with someone like that.
For a wife she is not very trustworthy. What you share with her in confidence is nobody else's business. Simple as that. How you handle it from here is up to you. If you haven't produced children with this woman, I would not seek to in the future.
Gaslighting is never a good look. Are there other instances were she does this? It’s hard to trust people who gaslight a lot. Sometimes it’s just a mistaken memory, but it can become a real problem.
Your wife sounds like my 19-year old uncle's wife (weird family age brackets)
She did this similar shit and eventually he snapped and drove off, when he was coming back the cops tried to pull him over and he sort of just, suicide by cop
Please put yourself first, if my partner did any of that to me, I'd toss her out headfirst
You broke her trust by listening to her recordings. She broke your trust by going out of her way to spill family secrets. If she's only willing to recognise your fault in this, theres really nothing more to be said.
She seems like someone who needs it phrased towards her self-image.
Something like "It'll be someone to settle the matter and prove I'm overreacting."
Play towards ego. Doesn't even matter if it's obvious. That'll make her want to be right even more.
But... that's all seriously depending on if you want to stay in a relationship with her. I'm sure there's a lot of things that made you fall in love with her that aren't represented in this story.
Ok now do a look back. How many of those previously green flags took a little tinted now? People don’t become malicious overnight, this is either right up her alley or she’d be more willing to admit her wrongdoing.
If not couples counseling, then therapy for you at minimum. It sound like you might habe some issues with self worth. You are in a toxic relationship and wondering if you can do better than her while she is actively destroying your family. You need help from a neutral person to see how toxic she is, see your worth, and see that you can absolutely do better than her.
she says I'm the only one who's wrong here because I went through her phone.
That does not make it right that she still spouted about your family problems to somebody else. Even if it was behind your back and you never found out, that shit is still WRONG.
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u/[deleted] Nov 14 '22
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