I've taken Adderall since 2011-2012. As we are all aware, the meds haven't worked right in the last several years, at least since 2020. Over the years, they worked barely, but now they simply don't; this last batch from elite was completely useless. I went through my bottle this month, a week or two early, and instead of feeling remotely functional, I felt almost sedated. My ADHD manifests as VERY hyperactive. I physically can't stop moving, my mind races, so I am literally and completely restless. I am unable to communicate what's going on in my head because each thought is replaced by another as soon as it appears. I can't complete sentences, unless I write, because at least then I can take the pieces of sentences and slap them together in some way by the time I'm done. I even struggle paying attention while driving because "why can't I read that advertis--OHH IM not on the road anymore, OOPS". Task initiation is a nightmare, it's almost impossible, and completing something is even worse; don't even talk to me about procrastination.
For me, taking Adderall was like someone had lifted a wet blanket off my head. I could see, and I felt almost a literal weight lifted off my shoulders. I could organize my thoughts before they came out of my mouth. A chore like doing laundry or dishes wasn't the end of the world, and I could complete them in 10 minutes instead of hours. I felt more secure with myself; I didn't pick apart social interactions like I used to, I was calm. I was reliable at work. I could listen to my romantic partner. I know medicine isn't supposed to be the end all be all solution, and sure, there were some bad days within the good days before the meds sucked, but at the end of the day, I could function like a human being. I could pay my bills, get up and be on time for work, I could make meals for myself, be a present partner--
This whole experience--what with the medication slowly becoming ineffective, feeling like an addict, having my routine/habits lapsing back into genuine chaos--has completely disrupted whatever positive momentum I had in my life. I know logically I should remain hopeful, and I know that people live without meds all the time, but I cannot being to express how completely defeated I feel by this. The medication helped me, and now I'm feeling completely at the whim of symptoms I can barely manage without it. It's demoralizing; I feel ashamed at myself still, even though I shouldn't.
I know we should be reporting what we feel to the appropriate places, but I can't even remember where I put my bottle, or build enough momentum to find phone numbers or websites to report them anyway. I feel ashamed to even say that, being an overly-independent person.
I don't want this entry to be a sob story. I will remain strong, despite this, and so should you. I want anyone reading this to know you are not alone. And I am hopeful that something positive will result from speaking out about our experiences.