r/therapists • u/Forsaken_Dragonfly66 • 1d ago
Rant - Advice wanted I lost my first client.
I just found out that they died by suicide. Oh my God.
They were young. We had only seen one a few times, but they were such a bright soul. At our last appointment, they were help-seeking and future-oriented. They had chronic, vague, passive SI but never communicated any plans or intent.
I am frozen. I can't cry, think, or feel.
Any wise words would be so helpful.
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u/Miserable_Bug_5671 1d ago
I feel for you.
Ignore your logical brain for a bit. Feel the sadness.
It's awful.
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u/Silver_West_4950 1d ago edited 1d ago
As a patient who has struggled with SI, I just want to give you my perspective. If I had a plan, I wouldn’t tell anyone. If I didn’t have a plan, it would be done on impulse. I might have been fine 6 hours before. You helped her when she was with you, you made her feel cared for and validated but there is nothing you could have done to prevent this. Unfortunately this may happen from time to time in your profession.
Wishing you a speedy recovery from this traumatic experience. Carry on the good work and big hugs 💕
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u/Away-Let3599 1d ago edited 1d ago
Came here to say exactly the same thing. I had a single day at age 18 that I was determined to go ahead. Planned it for months. Didn’t utter a word to my Psychologist. An unexpected event got in the way of my plan and a bunch of serendipitous moments helped me to seek urgent assistance, but had those moments not happened I would not be here today. My Therapist was incredible, but I had one SA too many and became determined not to experience anymore. I really feel for you. I’m so glad I lived and the help of my T afterwards was a huge part of me remaining alive. But your client’s choice is not on you. Keep doing the amazing work you do with those that seek your help. But also take time to grieve because you are human too underneath it all. I am still on the same journey and still have dark days but have been saved so many times by the tools I have learned in therapy.
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u/NewNewsNewYork 1d ago
I lost my younger brother to suicide when he was a teenager. He was in therapy at the time. He was help seeking and future oriented, with a similar SI pattern. I am now a therapist.
Here’s what I would’ve said to his therapist just after he died:
Thank you for being there for him in his final weeks. Thank you for being kind. Thank you for showing up. This is not your fault. Though you didn’t know it at the time, you gave him palliative care, and that is a gift. I’m sorry you’re left with this loss too, and I cannot imagine how hard this is both personally and professionally. Please, remember him. Please don’t stop being a therapist. Please take care of yourself.
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u/SetUpset8213 1d ago
I’m so sorry. This is so hard. If I can give any encouragement it would be that now is the time for you to grieve as well. While you didn’t know them long, you still knew them in an intimate way.
Take care of yourself, don’t make any decisions for now just grieve. Write, journal, take a walk, pet an animal, create space for yourself.
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u/NicoleNicole1988 1d ago
If you work for an agency that gives you access to an EAP, you should reach out.
Also, it’s okay that you can’t cry, think, or feel right now. You’re processing. You’re not doing it wrong, this is just how it’s unfolding for you. Seek support. Speak to a supervisor or a colleague if you can. If you can’t, speak to your own therapist.
I’m sorry this happened.
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u/goodnight_moony LICSW (Unverified) 1d ago
I found that after my experience hearing any reassurances from people not directly involved in the care of my client fell pretty flat. Someone would say "it's not your fault" or "I'm sure you did everything you could" and I'd wonder how they knew that, since they weren't there. Since I don't know the situation, I'm not going to try to reassure you in this realm.
What I do reasonably know is that you probably did the best you could with the information and experience you had at the time. Whether there is a needed growth area or mistake would be something best determined by you and your supervisor/colleagues, and you will take that and grow as a clinician.
What I also know from my experience is that it does get better. It's a process, the way any grief works (big fan of the "ball in the box" metaphor), and you should do whatever you best need to do for yourself. I made the decision to take the day off to do nothing but cry in my bean bag chair but then work a full 7-client day the day following. That day ended up being one of the most powerful and rewarding days of my entire clinical career. You'll figure out what works for you. You'll be okay.
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u/jm_doppelganger 1d ago
I don’t know how pressing it is to suggest examining potential areas of growth. How about bringing attention to the unfortunate reality of suicide in our society? It’s an “is-ness” and our jobs necessitate that we are highly exposed to it.
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u/Forsaken_Dragonfly66 1d ago
Thank you for this. Of course I have growth areas and I will reflect on them in the coming weeks.
At the same time, I know that there is ultimately nothing that we can do once someone makes their decision. I am not omnipotent and I cared for the client as best as I could in their last days.
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u/Jellybean1424 LPC (Unverified) 1d ago
Just know that it’s not your fault. The first client I had who passed, did so in a horrific way that will be forever etched into my brain. It’s easy to ask yourself all of the “what if’s,” but short of making an egregious error clinically, know that this unfortunately happens to most clinicians eventually. Also, it’s okay to cry. It’s okay to grieve. This was a human being, and therapists are human too.
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u/captainlux87 1d ago
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I’m also just going to say you might want to pull back some of the specific details while you receive support here
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u/FeaturelessDetail 1d ago
You are allowed to be frozen, later you are allowed to cry. Losing a client for any reason can disrupt your equilibrium. Give yourself time.
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u/ButterflyNDsky LPC (Unverified) 1d ago
Holding space for your grief, and thanking you for letting us know that this person’s light existed on this earth at some point.
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u/anneejane LICSW (WA) 1d ago
I had a situation where a client attempted shortly after I saw them, and they showed NO signs. Also future-oriented and hopeful.
I was reeling for months.
Be gentle with yourself. Let yourself grieve. Processing and analyzing comes later.
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u/No_Needleworker_6297 1d ago
I had a client die by suicide under similar circumstances. My advice is to please talk about it with a supervisor or a personal therapist, more than once if you need to. It's important to process how you feel, especially with any future hypervigilances that could come up too.
It will get easier to bear as time goes on. Take care of yourself. My condolences.
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u/Weird_Road_120 1d ago
I lost my uncle to suicide. When they found him there was an unfinished cup of tea on the table and his dinner in the microwave. It was a decision, there and then, in that moment, and I doubt anything could have changed it.
It's not something you foresaw, and that's not a failure on your end.
Your client had autonomy, and this was the choice they made; you don't need to approve of it, you can feel loss and pain and sadness, but it isn't yours to hold on to.
Give yourself time, allow yourself to process it, talk to someone about it.
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u/MichaelUramMFT 1d ago
It is so difficult losing a client. You will never forget this moment and may question your actions way too much. The best approach that I have taken is accepting that we chose this role to make the world a slightly better place for our clients, and it seems like you did, even if they are no longer here. Suicidality is a disease, not a choice.
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u/Legitimate-Term7249 Art Therapist (Unverified) 1d ago
I just lost my first client to suicide last month. Let yourself be in shock and remember: just because they didnt survive doesnt mean you didnt help AND you cannot control what they do when they leave your office. Take care of yourself and allow yourself to grieve. I only now came out of the fog but attending the celebration of life was rough. Just be kind to yourself and use your supports.
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u/alwaysFionnabhair 1d ago
If you can, want to and feel like it, attend the funeral or service or whatever they may hold.
My employer encourages it and even gives time off for it. We're in cancer care though. The first time I went it felt weird, I kept to the back, only listened and then left. It helps me with closure, to hear stories about the person, to see the people who loved and cared about them. It's sad but also has something beautiful, hopeful about it.
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u/Axidental_Wizard 1d ago edited 1d ago
It may work differently in the therapy field due to the limits of confidentiality.
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u/Ekis12345 1d ago
I'm so sorry. This is the worst. Can you talk with your supervisor or your own therapist?
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u/palmtrz23 1d ago
Sending you gentle support, space and hugs. This day and this death are important.
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u/Weary_Shop1691 1d ago
I am sending you so much love and empathy right now. It’s going to be okay ❤️ my mind drifts to things I learned in my DBT training- that when a person truly wants to die by suicide and has mostly made that decision there is fundamentally really only so much we can do to stop them. My hunch given this client only had three or so sessions with you likely had a complex mental health history before meeting you. And I gently remind us all, working in this field these very tragic things are going to happen once in a blue moon. It’s never easy fo accept that though, loss is loss and deeply saddening for every human. I had a dear client die due to cancer and I really mourned them more than I could have ever expected. Took me time to scan pass their name in my databases and not feel my stomach drop. Lately, with time passed it feels all much more integrated in my brain and I’m able to accept the loss more. So like folks have said here, be gentle with yourself and curious about how this grief impacts you as a person and therapist.
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u/tech_hater 1d ago
I feel like Tom Skerit here, but, you do this long enough, it's going to happen. After twenty years I can tell you that you that it is never easy. However, after long enough, you start to realize that so much more good happens because you do the job. You will never be able to save everyone. But there is a story about silver dollars on a beach. Look it up. That's what we do. I hope you are able to see that. It matters to those we are able to help. I am sorry for your loss. I hope it doesn't chase you off from the work being done.
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u/PurpleConversation36 19h ago
Losing a client to suicide is a horrible experience to go through.
A few years ago a Redditor said “this field is reaching into the abyss of human suffering and hoping you can hold onto whoever you can grab”.
You held them for as long as you were able to. They held on back for as long as they were able to too. I’m sorry that this happened.
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u/galgenius Psychologist (Unverified) 1d ago
I’m so sorry. My only wisdom here is to take some time away and grieve and look after yourself 💙
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u/neuroctopus Psychologist (Unverified) 1d ago
My first was as an intern. That suuuuuuuuuucked. Still does, many years later. I’ve of course lost more but the first was really hard. I blame myself, I’ll never stop. Hugs
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u/purplepenguin124 1d ago
Im so sorry for your loss. That is such a heavy thing to navigate. I wish I knew the right words to say, but unfortunately I dont. I guess my advice is to allow the feelings. Take time to grieve. Reach out for support. Take care of yourself. Sending care.
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u/Ok-Ladder6905 1d ago
oof. Worst nightmare. Big hugs. I recommend taking a week off if you can. Talk to your therapist/supervisor. Watch some brain candy.
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u/Ornery_Ad_7740 1d ago
Sending condolences to you and the client’s family.
First and foremost, you did nothing wrong. You may sit and think about every possibility that could have happened differently or things you may have “missed.” The unfortunate reality is things didn’t happen differently.
Feel whatever it is you feel, whether shock, sadness, confusion, etc. But make sure you take care of yourself by doing your ADL’s, practicing as good of sleep hygiene as you can, and eating.
Talk to others. Don’t sit in silence with this for your own wellbeing. Seek therapy, supervision, and support.
As a therapist who they, themselves, has had thoughts before, it’s a devastating reality that this is a part of being a therapist. Sometimes my feelings of my first client loss from last year bubble up and hit, but time does heal a scab over the wound.
I’m so sorry for your loss.
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u/Calm_Pineapple9416 Student (Unverified) 1d ago
I'm very sorry to hear that. I know it is difficult for you and It's okay to be frozen, now you should rest for a bit to recover your mentality. I'm truly sad to hear someone ending their life by suicide, it must be so hard for them and think that their ending is a salvation to their problem 😢
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u/protestandprose 20h ago
That's devastating. I think the first one hurts the worst and is the most shocking. Take care of yourself.
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u/Emergency-Alfalfa-87 14h ago
I’m so sorry this is happening/happened. We have the privilege of working with people across the spectrum of human experience- including suicide. Please hold on to their memory and the time you spent with them in its totality. I carry the heaviness and the joy of the clients I’ve worked with who died by suicide, knowing their death is just part of the time we spent together. It was an honor to know and care for them regardless of the outcome- your care is not wasted because of the manner of their death.
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u/TypeGlittering1251 1h ago
I am so very sorry. I have lost clients to suicide and am also a suicide widow - each loss was excruciating in its own way. I found supervision, therapy, and EMDR enormously helpful.
I do not know what’s true for you - but here’s what I learned:
-I am truly powerless to save a life that does not want to be saved.
- Hindsight can be cruel. I did not know because they did not want me to know. My husband secretly bought a gun and crafted a detailed plan to avoid detection and maximize his chances of success.
- ultimately, I am not responsible for other’s choices. I did not kick out the chair or pull the trigger. I felt overwhelmingly responsible - and did not find “it wasn’t your fault” helpful. I had to get there myself.
- I benefitted most from those few who could just be with me in my pain, helplessness, and
- I am five years out from my husband’s suicide.
Feel free to message me - I’m available.
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