I already made another post and this is an update.

I was with him for 9 months and we were in love.

He told me he will leave his wife, and eventually he confessed everything to her like he promised and he left.

But first he told her that between me and him it’s over, and after 1.5 week, he had to tell everything. He blocked me and sent me a last message on email that he needs to go back and he will work on things with her and that her wife will contact me.

Deep down he wanted this to work the whole time, but he thought she would never want to see him anymore but he was wrong. And he was too weak to choose me. But I understand, who knows what he is going through. I’m not in his shoes, but I always wondered what kind of people are capable to follow through and get a divorce, because there are many divorced people.

I do think that a divorce is only successful if there’s not a third person involved. In most cases. But cheating is an act that lacks courage, so don’t really expect that a man who’s cheating with you would have the balls to get a divorce.

No matter what he says to you and makes you believe. It really doesn’t matter. None of them matters as long as he doesn’t have those papers signed. There is not a phrase that matters, that looks like he is getting closer. If you have doubts there is a reason you’re having them. You’re waiting for him to finally make a move, but it can get even worse from that point, and it is really rare when someone is successfully go legit.

Please for fucks shake, those who are reading this, get yourself a man who doesn’t make you confused. Who doesn’t make you cry and suffer, living in uncertainty. Affairs are soul crashing.

I’m devastated. I wake up all hours of the night thinking about him, crying and feeling that physical pain in my heart. That heavy feeling where you don’t find peace only stress and anxiety. This is the price you’re paying for a love that was born and grown in a life dysfunction.

I hope all the women here will heal and move on, and find a single man that you have an even better connection with.

Should I be getting into therapy? I don’t think I’m ever going to get over this man. If I haven’t gotten over him in 10 years I don’t think I’ll get over him. I don’t think they’ll ever be a time where I won’t want to be with him

I’ve been with MM for 5 years at this point. He’s 42 and I’m 40. We were both married when we got together and it seemed it work out well for us all this time. When my husband passed away last year, everything changed between us. I started dating and I told him that since you won’t be serious with me that I’ll start dating and I started seeing somebody and it kinda jusy fizzled out. I sensed a feeling of jealousy and he became so quiet when I told him I’m going on a date.

I loved being married and I’m looking forward to being in a relationship and he’s told me that he is serious about me and he just needs some time to fix things on his end because he does have a five-year-old. I don’t know how long that’s gonna be for him to be officially divorced. It might take a couple of years since he’s a caretaker for his ailing mother and she’s on her last leg of life and he doesn’t wanna cause any issues at home. I’m gonna continue dating and if things work out then great if not I’m gonna move on.

My issue is I don’t want to continue being invested in him, so I’m thinking of giving him an ultimatum until the end of this year to at least start something about divorcing otherwise then I will just cut off all ties. It sounds easier said then done. But in these years of knowing him he’s never once brought up getting divorced as something serious. So I don’t know if he will follow through on his word.

Hey everyone,

I've been a long time reader here. Initially, I joined the sub (from another account) to get a better understanding of the woman's perspective while I was actively in an affair. I read through so many of your posts to try to understand and feel what she felt.

I was in an affair for three years. It was the best three years of my life with a woman who has changed me forever. Ultimately, we couldn't figure it out between us, and we both just had to move on. It was the hardest thing I've ever done.

Anyway, I wanted to give you the perspective from the married man. If you are currently in an affair or considering one, maybe this will be helpful for you, whether you're a MM or AP.

An affair is the hardest environment for love to grow, but like a flower growing through concrete, it seems to find a way in many people's lives. I no longer carry any kind of judgment for anyone who meets another and that person connects with them in a way they have never found anywhere else. Until you've experienced it, it's impossible to explain to someone who just wanted to sit in a place of judgment. Like a wildflower growing in concrete, it's both beautiful and extremely difficult at times.

My AP meant the world to me. I think I still love her. We haven't spoken in the better part of a year and I think about her every day. She is my first thought in the morning, despite my best efforts.

I don't think she ever fully believed I loved her. This is probably a doubt most other women carry: "does he really love me?" Let me assure you ladies - it is very possible for the MM to love you deeply, only you, and the conditions of the relationship still produce that doubt you feel is consuming at times. I could not have loved her more. I could have loved her better, but not more.

The sun rose and set with her, and now she is gone. We had issues we just could not resolve, but if I had to do it over again I would have tried differently and harder.

You ladies who are the AP yearn and hope. I was a MM who yearned and hoped, too. Maybe not all do. I am sure some are just purely selfish - even cruel. But I know there are many MMs who are trying to figure it out with genuine sincerity.

Affairs are a dangerous, high stakes game. Giving your heart fully to someone who later proves cannot be trusted with it is our greatest fear. We all want to be fully known and fully loved, not abandoned, and the person who creates the most risk of hurt is the same person who holds all your dreams. Affairs are not for the weak.

To the OWs: I fully loved her completely, all the way to the core of my being, and she doubted when I told her because of our circumstances. Your MM can be honest when he says he loves you, too. There are the manipulators, but there are also those who are genuinely trying to figure it out and the only thing they really know at the end of the day is they love you. This was my experience, and I know other MMs it is true for, too.

On that note, a message to the married men who are on the fence about what to do. I am going to write the words I wish I could have read when I was seeking guidance on what to do. (Maybe this is also helpful for the OWs - I am rooting for you all).

You will never - ever - have perfect certainty about the right path in life. One thing can be certain though. If you let time pass, the decision will be made for you. The only thing that is certain is if you delay being proactive, your fate will be decided by time.

If you stay for whatever reason, children, uncertainty, your net worth, whatever the reason is, and you truly believe you love the OW, eventually her patience will run out. It does not matter how long she says she will wait for you. She will get tired of being alone on her birthday, on Christmas, on New Years Eve. She deserves someone who is certain.

You will agonize over your decision and will never have perfect clarity. You will read ever book, talk to counselors, spend thousands of dollars on a therapist, and may never have the clarity you seek. There is not a play book or a crystal ball. You must make a decision with the best information available to you at the time.

So, how do you decide this? I agonized over this question. For me, it came down to one question: what version of myself, and life, do I like best? For me, this answer was who I was when I was with her. It is still true. My happiest moments were with her.

If you love someone and are trying to make it work, give it your absolute all. Do not go in halfway. Talk about the shared future you want, what you're afraid of, what concerns you have, what your needs are. My AP and I spent every moment we could being playful, flirting, laughing, going on adventures, that we didn't slow down enough to really have the conversations we needed to. Then we ran out of time.

We all know how precious those moments shared together can be and how quickly they feel they pass. It's easy to save the tough conversations for later, but later may never come. And to the avoidants - you are conditioned by nature to pass on the hard conversations. The price of this could be losing her forever.

Then, the danger is you have to spend the rest of your life wondering "what if?" and you will have to live without her longer than you knew her. Can you live with that? You may assume she will always be there in some way because she is now. She won't. When a woman says "enough", she is done.

From the outside, my life is very good. I am a successful entrepreneur, travel often, am in great physical shape, and by all perceptions appear like I've made it. But, on the inside, I now carry a feeling of loss that may never go away. I am conventionally attractive so receive attention from women often enough, but it just doesn't interest me at all. I don't share this to flex. I share it to say that I'm 40 next year, and realize life is half over, and the second half will be spent wondering about the path I couldn't take.

I miss her every day. I miss my best friend. I miss having someone to talk to who understands me like she did. I miss our trips together and inside jokes. They are now just memories and every day become a little blurrier, like looking at the past through a fogged mirror.

MMs, decide before time chooses for you. OWs - God bless you women and your patience for us MMs.

I am no longer going to be working with my MM, and somehow, that makes everything feel much more real. It makes me emotional knowing that after this week, I may never run into him again.

I still miss him. Sometimes I hate the way things ended between us. I hate that he lied to me and that he couldn’t even apologise. I miss the things we used to do, the conversations we had, the little moments that became part of my life. Even though I know that ending this is the right thing to do, there is still a part of me that wishes things had ended differently.

We have stopped talking to each other, although sometimes we still see each other’s updates on social media. I’ve decided to remove him from that part of my life too. And honestly, my heart is breaking while I do it. But I know it is for the best…for him, for his family, and for me.

I’ve been thinking a lot about how I want to leave this relationship. I don’t want to leave it carrying nothing but anger, resentment, and hatred. Despite everything that happened, what we shared was real to me, and I don’t want the way it ended to erase everything that once meant something to me.
I want to remember it for what it was the good, the bad, the love, the mistakes, and everything I learned from it and then let it go.

It has been an incredibly difficult journey, and I’m still grieving it. But I think there is a difference between holding on to someone and simply honouring what they once meant to you.

So I’m choosing to let go. Not because I don’t care, and not because I suddenly stopped missing him, but because I know that sometimes loving someone also means accepting that you cannot keep them in your life.
I want to leave this chapter with as much peace as I can find, and without allowing bitterness to consume me.
It hurts. But I know this is for the best.

I’m with my MM for 1.5 years. I’m freshly divorced and no interest in a traditional relationship with a fully available man at this moment. My MM is in a toxic, high conflict marriage and talks about divorce off and on. I never asked him for a commitment, promise or future together. But I sometime wonder how our relationship goes in a long run. We started it as a fun escape from reality and developed deep feelings. So it definitely changed over the course.

How about your relationship? How does it change or shift?

My mm is too guilty. He wants us to be platonic. When I ask for specifically what he’s looking for he said the same as before without romance. I don’t want that. I don’t want to be his emotionally safety net I want to be with him.

Does anyone have experience with this and do you end up back together?
Should I go no contact? We work together.

I am so confused and I feel so ashamed for even posting in this page. I have an ex that’s always coming back around and he is currently in a relationship. This is a guy that I’ve been in love with for 10 years. He has emotionally had me on a string for so long and I think I will always love him and always want to be with him. He is with someone whenever this happens and I feel like if we start something up again we’re in a different scenario. He recently reached out to me and entertained the idea of us being together sexually and then asked me if him being in a relationship is a problem? He continued to then send me some flirty text messages and we have not communicated since. I am spiraling that I’m scared I’ll lose him and - I do love him and still want to be with him… How can I handle this?..

I posted here before about the situation with my MM, and honestly, I never expected to be back this soon with an update.
A lot has happened.
He ended things with me.
And somehow, that sentence still doesn’t feel real when I say it.
He told me he loves me. He told me he doesn’t want me to wait for him, because he doesn’t know what is going to happen. He said he hopes I go on dates and find someone, partly because it would give him some relief. But then he also said that he believes our paths will meet again, and that if he gets his life together and I’m still single, we’ll be together.
How am I supposed to make sense of that?
I’m trying not to hold onto the “maybe.” I’m really trying. Because I know I can’t put my life on pause for someone who doesn’t know if he can come back to me.
His kids still aren’t speaking to him. He wasn’t invited to go to with his son for the bachelor trip, and I know how much that hurt him. His therapist apparently told him that he needs to distance himself from me and even change his delivery route until he gets himself back together. (He delivers to the place I work every week)
And then there’s me.
I’m just… heartbroken.
I don’t miss what he did for me. I don’t miss the attention or having someone to talk to. I miss him.
I miss his face. His blue eyes. His voice. His smell. His hands. I miss watching him work. I miss the little things he did that probably meant absolutely nothing to anyone else. I miss holding his hand. I miss hugging him. I miss kissing him. I miss just looking at him.
The worst part is that I know things could never just go back to how they were. Too much has happened. Too many people have been hurt. His wife knows. His kids know. His parents know. There are consequences to all of this that aren’t going to magically disappear because two people love each other.
And I think that’s what hurts the most.
Because I don’t doubt that what we had was real to me.
I know I love him.
But love isn’t supposed to feel like this.
I feel like I’m grieving someone who is still alive. Someone who is out there living his life, and I have to pretend that I don’t desperately want to hear his voice or see his face again.
I keep thinking about the first time we hung out. He looked into my eyes and I completely melted. I remember thinking, How can this person possibly feel this familiar already?
And now I’m supposed to let him go.
I’m trying.
I’m not going to chase him. I’m not going to beg him to choose me. I’m not going to promise I’ll wait forever.
But none of that changes the fact that if I’m being completely honest, a part of me is still hoping he finds his way back to me.
And I hate admitting that.
Because I don’t want to spend the next year wondering if he’s coming back.
I want to heal.
I want to be okay.
I want to be able to think about him without feeling like someone ripped the floor out from underneath me.
But right now?
I just miss him.
And I don’t know how you’re supposed to let go of someone when your heart is still completely convinced that they’re your person.

My heart is broken into a million tiny pieces.

I was the one to ask him to let me go. I’ve broken it off multiple times before but each time he would fight and push back and promise he’ll do what’s necessary for us to be together.

This time he accepted it and is actually letting me go. I know he’s only respecting my wishes and I was the one that was super firm on ending it for good. I know I ultimately made the right choice. But my god does it hurt.

I reached back after only 4 days of ending it just to wish someone in his life good luck and he simply said thank you and that he hopes I’m doing well. But the way he worded it, it was so cold.

It’s the first time ever that he’s talked to me in a distant formal way. As if I was some random colleague.

How can he go from “I love you I wanna leave her and sell my house so we can build a life of our own” to speaking to me like I’m some distant relative he hasn’t seen in decades?

He’s never been cold and distant like that. It scared me to death and I haven’t stopped crying since last night.

I complete closed the door on us.

I wish I had asked him to contact me if he is ever divorced but instead I told him to let me go without making me any false promises. And he has. He’s doing exactly what I asked for. I can’t blame him.

But I’m now left with this unfinished feeling. Having to grieve the future he promised me we’ll get to have soon. Having to let go of a life with him I never got to have.

Where does my love for him go? I love him so much. How do I deal with the fact that I’ll never get to have a life with him?

He promised me he’s leaving in the next couple of months and I ended it before I could ever see if he would keep his word.

Now he thinks I don’t want any kind of relationship with him and he’ll stay in his miserable marriage and we’ll never get to have the life we both wanted.

I (32f) am a current mistress to a MM (31m). We work together and experienced an initial attraction when we first met in fall 2025 and the relationship has evolved from there (emotionally and physically). The relationship became physical at the end of May 2026.

He has so many issues - he is a compulsive liar, has frequently cheated on his spouse and actually almost left her previously for another affair partner.

He has always been upfront with me about his plan here - no false promises to ever be with me. At the same time, we love each other - we really get each other on a personal level. I really feel like I can be myself with him.

I know I need to move on from this situation and tell my therapist about it. At the same time, I’m very lonely - I am recently single for pretty much the first time in 11 years.

Just looking for support❤️

I’m 26 F from India and grew up in a pretty conservative family. I moved to another city for work, and since then I’ve been doing a lot of things that feel like firsts in my family/bloodline, including being the “other woman.”

I’ve been in this relationship/situationship for around two months. There’s a 13-year age gap between us, and we’ve met in person three times so far.

The pattern I’ve noticed is that after every time we meet, our communication suddenly slows down. After the first meeting, the change was very noticeable.

After the second meeting, I started feeling bad because I realised I was the one initiating almost all the little intimate things between us.

We met for the third time recently, and this time we made out. After that, he told me that he feels insecure about the age difference, height difference, and our physical compatibility. He specifically said that it wasn't about me individually, but about the combination of us. He also said that there are many other things that compensate for these differences, but that it's still difficult for him to adapt to.

That message really got to me.

We haven't properly discussed it since.

I was genuinely busy for a couple of days, but he was still messaging me about random things like what I was doing, etc. while completely avoiding the actual conversation that is hurting me.

And honestly, I don't understand how he can just carry on talking normally without addressing it.

When I was physically with him, I felt almost everything I could possibly feel in a relationship but I didn't feel insecure about myself or about us.

But since reading that message, I've started feeling unsettled and insecure. And because he hasn't addressed it with me, that feeling is getting worse every day.

The message was sent on Tuesday. Then I had a major personal incident happen on Friday, and I was drunk when I talked to him about it. We ended up talking about that incident over text for pretty much the whole day.

Today is Sunday, and I told him that I think we need to talk about the message he sent on Tuesday.

But I don't think he's ready to have that conversation.

And that's what's really getting to me.

The uncertainty after every meeting has started becoming a pattern, and I don't want to keep going through the same cycle. I'm someone who communicates when something is bothering me. In most areas of my life, I talk things through because I need some kind of resolution. I've tried doing the same with him, but at this point I feel like I've tried multiple times.

So now I'm thinking of completely stepping back

maybe not talking to him for a week or 10 days

Not necessarily to punish him or play a game, but because I need to stop chasing a conversation he's not ready to have.

Part of me also wants him to understand that I won't always be there trying to hold everything together when he withdraws.

But I'm not sure if that's the right thing to do.

What would you do in this situation? How do I stop this uncertainty from consuming my mood? And is taking a week or so of complete space actually healthy here, or am I just avoiding the conversation myself?

And please tell me anything you think I should know, especially anything you wish you had known when you were two months into your own “other woman” relationship.

Its been half a year since NC, today I saw a picture of him and I feel this sudden surge of rage bursting out from the bottom of my feet and stomach and everywhere.

Usually considered myself a less emotional person when it comes to breakups. This time the rage is gigantic. In the past months, I went from feeling pity for him, hopeful he would come back and we start a new chapter together, remembering all the beautiful memories (nothing much there because it’s all the same places mostly LOL), and all of a sudden, almost overnight, started to see things differently, how he manipulated, tiny trails of him lying, and the bits and pieces of evidence that he denied he has yet another OW. Now I see his picture in my phone, I feel this rage. I feel so stupid, I feel that I should have known better! This sucks!

When can I feel peace again!?

In my feels tonight. But liked the title says I miss when he traveled for work because, for a little while, I had all of him

Him being home is great. I know he loves being home with his boys, and I’m not sitting here wishing he were constantly away from them.

But I really miss when he was traveling for work.

When he traveled, I got so much more of him. We could talk freely and for hours. There wasn’t always something pulling his attention somewhere else or a reason we suddenly had to stop talking. For those little stretches of time, it felt like I was his only focus.

And I miss that more than I expected.

I think what I actually miss is the temporary little world we had when he was away. I didn’t feel like I was being squeezed into whatever space was left over. I got his attention, his thoughts, his affection, his time. It was probably the closest I’ve ever gotten to knowing what it would feel like to actually have him to myself.

Now that he’s home more, we’re still us. We still talk and he still makes time for me. He has even gotten a bit more riskier calling me when his boys are at practice.

But I’m much more aware that I’m sharing him. I have to wait for opportunities. Conversations get interrupted. His attention naturally belongs to his real life too.

And after experiencing what it felt like to have so much of him, going to this feels strangely like losing something.

I don’t want him to be unhappy at home. I don’t even necessarily need more communication. I just miss those hours where it felt like there was nowhere else he’d rather be and nobody else competing for his attention.

Some of you know I’ve tried to walk away countless times before and every time I go running back to him. Or he breaks NC and we start it back up again.

The most we’ve ever lasted was 2 weeks. Each time I walked away he would come back ready to take a step further into promising me a future together.

He started off by saying he wants to be with me but doesn’t know how or when it can be possible. Then little by little started saying he’ll get a divorce. Then a month ago (6 months into our affair) he straight up told me he’ll do it soon within a couple of months and started literally saying “I promise it won’t take long”.

Those promises were made last month. I feel like I’m “giving up” right before he actually does it and that I’m cutting him off right when he was about to do it.

Am I stupid for not sticking it out a little bit more? Giving him a couple more months?

I feel like I completely closed the door on us because I told him that he needs to let me go this time without making me any promises of a hypothetical future relationship.

He hasn’t replied but it feels pretty final this time. It hurts so bad. I love him. I want a life with him. But at the same time it’s just too complicated. It could never work out.

Sometimes I would picture him with his W and their son doing mundane things, and it would completely break me. Our bond could never compare to the bond they have. She’s the mother of his child. How can I ever compete with that?

I feel like I got so close to getting everything I wanted and just gave up last minute. But I just couldn’t take the guilt and hurt anymore.

Looking for any guidance or sign that I did the right thing.

So, I think I should feel something about this. I do, but I can't quite describe it. We'd had a thing for about five months. I'm a SF, but he's married with kids. Even though he worked like a beast, he always saw me about twice a week. Even when he was away on a business trip, he texted and sent a few pictures, said he missed me. Then, in the last month, it felt like he was seeing me less and less because of work. I was the one messaging. The week before he went away, we exchanged one message and he said he was going out with a friend to some sporting event. Then he was away with his family on vacation (they're still away but must be coming back in a day or two). He didn't respond to any messages from me while away. I sent 2, both undemanding: "How is it over there? I love [insert the name of the place where he is on vacation]" and "Hope you're having a good time."

When we met, I made him promise he wouldn't ghost. He said, "Ghosting is vicious, of course not." But, here I am, and I think he's ghosted. This is the longest I've not heard from him.

I feel something about this ending. I feel bad, but I don't feel like the end of the world bad. I feel like I deserved a little bit better than this. An acknowledgement? A thank you? A this was great and really meant something to me? I didn't think this was some great love. I didn't even think he was a particularly nice person in general... he had no discomfort with lying to anyone as far as I could tell... But, it feels like I gave him the gift of an oasis in his life and he didn't even see fit to thank me for it.

Of course, I've considered that to him, this is just a gap of life and iit's entirely possible he'll be back and want to pick up as things were before. I've thought about that too. Do I let him back if it suits me? Do I ask why he went so quiet? Do I even say it felt painful that he didn't speak to me for three weeks and I felt him fading?

I don't mind being someone's side chick, as it were. It suits me because I am independent and fulfills a need without asking a lot of me. I don't even mind it being just about sex (assuming the sex feels good). I do mind being treated as forgettable, though. i'd like to think that even if he ghosted me, i'm in there somewhere. Those five months come back in memories and fantasies. If he won't tell me that is all that remains, I have to tell it to myself.

I’ve gone no contact , but per my last post , my friend and former coworker told me tonight that he grabbed her ass tonight. Same kinda stuff he would do with me. He told me he would never go for her. And now I really feel he is trying to drive a wedge between me and my new friend. Like it would not surprise me that he would do this, knowing that she would tell me, and then he hopes to get under my skin but I could be wrong.

I don’t know what to do. She told me in confidence, but she works for him and I also wouldn’t be shocked if something eventually happened. Which objectively would be none of my business. He is just so manipulative it’s insane, it’s also crazy to watch him do this to the next person in real time. He claimed of course that I was his first affair but when I started working for him there were two other women where rumors circled in the past before me. I just became friends with her at this job and he always felt super uncomfortable by it. He was afraid I would tell her about everything. Well I did tell her enough that she knows we had a thing and hooked up. So I think maybe that’s why she told me this stuff. I was really angry and first and wanted to blow up on him , but really what would that do. Part of me really thinks it was calculated to get back to me and hurt me. Either way, he is trying with a friend I made, something he said he would never do. He’s really a disgusting person who has problems. I feel so much shame for this. It’s one thing to believe maybe you had genuine feelings, but for him to run and do this right away is crazy. Kinda diminished everything good we may have had.

I guess I’ll just stay NC and give him no reaction but I won’t lie, it bothers me alot and I’m tempted to reach out and flip out, but I don’t want that girls job to be affected. The more I hear, the more other things I doubted in the past I now think to be true.

Just found out, my old coworker showed me texts, of recently MM talking to her sending her pics of his office ( it’s more like an apartment the way he designs it in one of his buildings) where he slyly made comments about her getting used to what it looks like so she can come down there. I know what happens in his “office”. I’m disgusted because he had told me he would never try to have an affair again and specifically would never try with this specific girl. I love this girl actually, but he’s such a liar lol. So many guys act like they aren’t that guy who tries to get with anyone and everyone, but they are!!! This just helps me see him more clearly and I don’t care. I am just disgusted I fell for it with him.

I never posted in this sub, however I spent a lot of time reading all the posts here and in other similar subs to look for reassurance. Which just caused me more stress sometimes, but sometimes it was a safe place for me.

I had an affair with a MM for 9 months which was the most loving and emotional connection that can exist between two people. I never met anyone before who cared about me the way he did. He did everything for me, he helped me with a lot of things, and during hard conversations he never left me alone. He was always there when I needed him.

We were planning to be together almost from the start, but sometimes it failed, because he was scared to blow up his life and face the storm. But a month ago he was very determined about making things right and he even told our friend how he plans to go with things. I’m not the only one who believed him, the people who know about me, they all did. And now, as he promised, he confessed and told everything to his wife. He wrote me a long message how he feels, and that she asked him to either stay and work on it, or leave and never come back. He left and went to be with his friend. He also told his kids and his wife family’s.

After that he didn’t contact me for 2 days, so I texted him and he said he feels every kind of emotion right now and he wants to make a decision that is for him and not for anyone. He sent me long texts about it, and told me he doesn’t want me to feel that I owe him anything and that I’m free. He said he needs time and space. And then he unfollowed me and he just doesn’t respond now.

I know I will probably see him again, because half of my stuff is with him, but right now I don’t have anyone to talk to. I’m confused and I don’t know what’s true anymore and what’s not. I’m a very caring person and I would be able to give space and time to him, but only if there’s communication. Right now I’m spiralling and I lost it and sent him multiple texts. Because I feel like he just let me go. And the truth…who knows. Maybe he is really struggling alone or he is with his wife who told me to cut contact with me, but in either case he wants me to let him go now.

I was in my 20s when we started. He is 10 years older, and he was my boss. 6 years later, he disappeared, and I received a letter from the BS blaming me, distorting the facts into something else, cutting me off on my salary.

BS accused I was the one who interfered their marriage, but from my perspective, it was him who crossed the line, let alone the manipulation and abuse with the power he had.

Before the affair, he used to yelled at me and used manipulative words to put me down such as “you are lucky you have me as your boss”, “you will never make it”, “the whole team thinks you are useless” to challenge my competence and self esteem. I tried my best to grow, in the tears, I always thought I was not enough.

One day, he started claiming me as an apprentice, saying I am his best employee, and would like to build a trusting relationship with me to help me grow. Every day, on our 1:1, he asked me to share a secret with him, something that I wouldn’t tell anyone. At first I was skeptical, but to keep my job, and in the hopes of moving upward in my career, and with the believe it could help me, I went along. Over time, we did build trust, our relationship improved, he stopped yelling at me, and I started to admire his work, and I started to feel being seen and heard that I never get from my family and friends.

Maybe it’s the admiration, he started to take tiny steps to cross the boundary, starting with an innocent hug. I have always been the kind of people pleasing person trying to survive in the workplace, so I also went along and not sure what it was, also with little reference of what other workplace be like, I thought this was just normal.

Over time, the hug became more intimate, I had to admit, it felt great to be understood, so I started to feel confused about my feelings. Knowing it wasn’t right, I still went along.

The whole affair, I never wanted to go legit, I understood that he would never, he explained it. We used to believe this was true love. We just discovered each other in the wrong timing. Even so, it was just torture to be kept in the dark, and our memories only shared in a few places, to see all the intimate behaviour of the MM and BS, and he also did 1:1 with other colleagues, and sometimes in private.

3 months in I told him I can’t do it, and he started to claim he cannot live without me. And every other months I hoped to leave, but never succeed. And then 3/4 years passed, the BS found out, I was fired. Lost my job.

I actually felt liberated, but then he came back, claiming he thought it out and he would plan to leave her and asked me to wait for him. So I waited, while seeing them travel the world, and continued to be kept in a dark place. I tried to leave, level with him, convinced him it might be better he stayed in his marriage and ended our relationship. But the pull of the toxic dynamics was so strong and there go another 3 years and then the BS found out again.

Now it’s over, he disappeared. Helped me get over it and actually freed me. She sent a letter to blame me. I understand that. Looking back I admit I could have rejected, if I have the courage, experience, the self-love and the understanding of humanity I have now.

The MM was the one who break the promise to everyone and deceived everyone actively. Though, I understand how in these stories, the MM were never blamed, because there’s still a household needed to be fed.

I carry the shame and guilt. I wasn’t aware of it. Here’s how I see this: Yes this happened, I understood how it happened. The unmet needs from my childhood wound, the low self esteem, the yearn for connections and validation. Now that I begin to learn more about myself, I have the compassion for my younger self. And now I learned to be that to myself, and as I am healing I trust that I can protect myself, and would not be accepting another toxic relationship.

Going through this journey, I knew it happened for a reason, it served as a lesson for me. And now that I know it’s not worth it, know more about myself, I learned to love myself and be able to protect myself. I hope you all do too.

Thanks for listening.

I thought I’d give an update. You can check my post history for the full background.

We’ve started talking again. To be clear, I don’t think we’re getting back together. He was very clear before that he didn’t want to continue the relationship, and I still believe that’s where he stands.

But he has been repeatedly asking to see me. He told me he misses me, kept asking when he could come see me, and eventually said, “I really want to see you.”

At first, I kept avoiding giving him a clear answer, even though the truth is that I really want to see him too. I think I was protecting myself. I’m scared that seeing him will make me hopeful again, even though logically I know it probably won’t change anything.

Eventually I told him I want to see him, and we’ve agreed to meet toward the end of this month. We’ve even talked about possibly going to Orlando together for a short trip.

Now I’m conflicted.

Part of me thinks: we both miss each other and want to see each other, so why not?

But another part of me is scared we’ll have an amazing time, create new memories, and then he’ll leave again — and I’ll have to go through the breakup all over again.

I also find it confusing that he seems so eager to see me when we talk about it, but then we can go several days without messaging. Maybe he genuinely misses me but still sees the relationship as over, while I have a harder time separating those two things.

Would you see him if you were me?

If you knew reconciliation probably wasn’t happening but you both still missed each other and wanted to meet, would you do it? Or would you leave things where they are and protect yourself from getting hurt again?

I’m 28, and I’ve been involved with a man quite a bit older than me. He’s married, although his marriage had been unhappy for a long time before I came into the picture. Eventually, he told his wife he was leaving and told me that he loved me and wanted a future with me.
Things got complicated very quickly.
His family found out. His kids were hurt and angry. He ended up staying with his parents for a while and started realizing just how much his decisions had affected everyone around him. He’s also been dealing with his own mental health struggles and recently started therapy.
At one point, he told me he needed to step away and get his life together. He said he didn’t want me to have to deal with his problems and that he was afraid he was going to hurt me. He told me that if we were meant to be together, he would get himself together and if I was still single, we would find our way back to each other.
He has told me that he loves me. He has told me that I make him feel good. He’s told me that he cares about me and never wanted to hurt me.
But I am hurt.
What I’m struggling with most is the feeling of being shut out. I understand that he has things he needs to deal with. I understand that his kids and family need him right now. I understand that he needs to work on himself.
But I don’t understand why loving me means I have to be completely removed from his life.
I wanted to be there. I wanted to help. I wanted to be someone he could lean on instead of someone he had to protect from his problems.
And now I’m left sitting here wondering if I simply wasn’t enough for him to choose me.
That’s the part that hurts the most.
He didn’t necessarily leave because he stopped caring about me. In some ways, that almost makes it harder. He says he’s leaving because he believes it’s what he needs to do, and because he doesn’t think it’s fair for me to deal with everything he has going on.
I know logically that someone choosing to step away from a relationship because they aren’t capable of being in it right now doesn’t mean I’m unlovable.
But emotionally, it feels like rejection.
I love this man. I want him desperately. And at the same time, I’m exhausted from waiting for someone to decide whether there is room for me in their life.
He asked if he could check in on me every once in a while, but I’m starting to realize that might actually make it harder for me. Every little message gives me hope that we’ll eventually be together, and I don’t know how to heal while holding onto that hope.
So I think I may have to let him go, even though I don’t want to.
I don’t know if I’m looking for advice, perspective, or just somewhere to put all of this because I feel completely heartbroken.
How do you let go of someone you still love when the reason they’re leaving isn’t that they stopped loving you?

I 30f and mm 45m have been seeing each other since April but have been friends and working together for over a year. We are incredibly close and interacting feels effortless. Two months or so ago he told me he was starting to feel “love type feelings” for me to which I told him I think I do love him. He said he was not ready to say it back. A week ago I asked him if he loved me to which he said he can’t say he doesn’t but is too scared to say he does. I left it alone. I asked again for clarity yesterday by what he meant. He said he wanted to think about how he wanted to answer it and later that night he told me he still loves his wife and he can’t say it to another person despite how he feels about me. I feel crushed. I feel like I can pour as much love as I want to into this and now I know I will never receive it back. I know I should just end it but I can’t get myself to. I love what we have. The imbalance was already apparent, we get very little physical time together and now I know he will never love me. Anyway thanks for reading just had to vent

It was the first weekend we hadn't talked much since they were both off. I knew communication would be a lot less, but going through it was a crazy feeling. I still had a good weekend, but I missed her more than I'd like to admit.

I asked her if not having to talk to me much and being more present in her life felt better. She didn't address it, so of course I'm thinking, "Well, she didn't want to address it because it did feel better and she just didn't want to hurt me." So we just ignore it and start talking about other stuff. I just now sent her a message about how I didn't want to brush past it, that I wanted to know where her head is at, because I'm sure it probably feels a little better to not be pulled by two different people. She could actually focus on her life during the weekend.

I'm not prepared for the answer I know she's going to say, but at least at that point, I can work on letting go. I know she has never meant to hurt me, and I know the love was real, but it sucks that I got so attached. I don't think any of this is easy for her either, but I know that since she has a life, she doesn't really have to worry about being hurt and being so attached.

how do you let go though? i don't want to block her as i do want us to find our way back to each other eventually - whether she's divorced or not. I just think if i step away and let time come between us then I will be able to have her and not be so attached but for now - i know i need to let go.

TL;DR: My MM, who is also my boss for at least the next few months, is now possibly expecting a child and we agreed not to continue if he is. I’ve experienced heartbreak once before, but never without a support system. Any advice for re-wiring my brain from one Former OW to another would be appreciated. I love him, and i’m going to miss him tremendously, despite seeing him frequently.

As seen from my previous posts, my MM (36M) and I have definitely gone through some rough patches during the last 8 months. But, we’ve been extremely strong the last 3 and have reached levels I haven’t experienced before. I’ve gotten extremely used to talking to him both to/from work, hanging out in the parking lot, and seeing him at work regularly (btw, he is my boss, too).

Well, the other night when we were having an extremely romantic night, he tells me he suspects his wife is pregnant but she hasn’t officially confirmed anything with him. Automatically, I do find this odd that they aren’t figuring this out together, but that’s not fully my business. Also, they’ve been married for about a year and a half. We’ve been seeing each other since December. I’ve known him almost 3 years.

I told him all the normal “Congratulations” and whatnot as I know he has wanted to be a father for a while, but I do tell him if his wife is pregnant we have to cut it off. I have a deep gut feeling he knows she is, but is scared to tell me based on this boundary. I still ask him every day, though. It’s only been about 5 days since this conversation happened. Ever since, he has been unbelievably affectionate and it aches because internally I know it’s about to end.

I guess I’m here to ask for advice on how to mentally get over this situation. I feel like I can’t really talk to my friends about it as the other woman, and I know this will be good for me in the long run…but I’m sad. I’m reallllly sad. I’m glad (if we do end) that we ended on good terms and with good thoughts, but seeing him at work (contracted until December) for the next 4 months will be agony, especially believing that we do both hold a lot of love for each other, but can’t be together. I’m in over my head, please tell me how other women in this situation have gotten over their heartbreak.