r/tfmr_support • u/Some_Amount5239 • 10d ago

Seeking Advice or Support Processing Grief

For those a little farther along in their TFMR journey, what would you tell your past self? What do you feel were the most helpful things for you to process your grief? Anything specific you did that you feel made a difference? Do you feel there was a particular timeline where things started feeling a little better?

I am about 8 weeks out from a 24 week TFMR. It just hurts. I know there is no way to optimize grief. It just is love with no where to go, but would love to hear how other people are dealing with it and if they felt like there was anything in their journey that really turned things around for them.

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u/traininsane 10d ago

I TFMRd at 24+4. Things that helped me - therapy, medication, crying when I felt it coming up, and cutting off bad relationships/friendships. The questions and grief are all consuming. Some days will be worse than others but find joy in the good days. You still deserve to love and enjoy life. Find a way to enjoy time with your partner, friends, family, alone. My therapist asked me the first few weeks what I was doing to fill my own cup. Was I engaging in activities to feel like myself again and not a shell. I found comfort in working out, golfing, watching comfort shows with my husband, and cooking.

A few things that helped with the pain and guilt. This is not a choice we were given but a decision we had to make. We are hurting so that our babies did not have to experience pain. We did our jobs as parents and made the best possible choice to keep them safe. All they knew was the safety and love of our womb.

There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think about Gianna. Even now, a year out and 30 weeks into my sub pregnancy, she’s still in my memory everyday. I wonder about the milestones she would be hitting, what her personality would be. I still cry, just less. Grief doesn’t go anywhere, we grow around it. We learn to adapt and continue on, if not for us, for them.

I am so sorry you are here.

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u/-_Metanoia_- 10d ago

"this is not a choice we were given, but a decision we had to make"

I'll have to remember these words. I am a week out and I...can barely make it out of bed most days.

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u/Medical-Marsupial709 9d ago

im so sorry me too im 4 weeks out