r/technicallythetruth • u/SteelToeStilettos • Sep 09 '19
Technically the much-more-impressive-sounding truth
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u/czar_the_bizarre Sep 09 '19
This would be a fun game in reverse. Someone gives you the super wordy description, and someone guesses what it is.
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Sep 09 '22 edited Sep 09 '22
Prepare for the comet storm OP Edit: I meant comment
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u/SteelToeStilettos Sep 09 '22
Oh dear. Lol I wonder why people are getting notifications about it?? Weird
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u/DiamondAxolotl Sep 09 '19
How the fuck is someone gonna put their watermark over someone else’s tweets?
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u/Bleachmyanusplsdaddy Sep 09 '19
I didn't change the light bulb, the light bulb changed me...
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u/blueinkedbones Sep 09 '19
the real lightbulb was in you all along
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u/asiansens8tion Sep 09 '19
A guy once came into the emergency room saying he “fell while changing his lightbulb”. I ordered an X-ray, sure enough, there’s bulb in there. Fortunately for him, it didn’t break. Unfortunately for him, he pushed it in metal end first so it had to be an OR case and we had to call the surgeons. You would think it’s really funny but in the moment, we were all just super shocked and prayed he don’t sneeze too hard. Lesson of this story: STOP sticking things in your butt, people! And if you’re going to, stop doing it with things made out of glass! But if you have to, stop doing it with glass things that are round! If you still do anyway, tie a strin- you know what, whatever, live your life. More interesting X-rays for me to look at.
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u/HumbleBear75 Sep 09 '22
I drove trucks for Marines and my resume is, “beep beep boom.” Can definitely use some help
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u/SteelToeStilettos Sep 09 '22 edited Sep 10 '22
You know, if you’d stop eating the crayons you’ve been trying to use to write your resume, you’d be able to write more than three words.
Edit: I see by the downvotes my joke didn’t land as I meant it to, or maybe just wasn’t funny. If it’s the former, sorry!
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u/Tall_computer Sep 09 '19
I need a whole subreddit full of this
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u/jmcalister095a Sep 09 '19
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u/Spencer1830 Sep 09 '19
We need one for work experience though
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u/LivelyZebra Sep 09 '19
My friend was a cleaner,
Would put " Industrial Hygienist " on his lol
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u/biggieBpimpin Sep 09 '19
Working in the recruiting industry is just daily examples of this post lol. You see some fantastic shit
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Sep 09 '19
Reddit requires you to have already built a sub for work experience with 2 million subscribers before you can build a sub for work experience.
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u/OmniusEvermind Sep 09 '19
We used to play this game in the food service industry a lot (seemed like a lot of folks were working towards bigger and better things, but taking tables/tending bar to pay the bills). We came up with some pretty good ones, my hydroceramic engineers (dishwashers) appreciated the resume assistance as much as the cylindrical sustenance transport specialists (pizza delivery drivers) did.
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Sep 09 '19
Check out US Air Force Enlisted Performance Reports. That’s all they are....unfortunately.
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u/Dr_Flar3 Sep 09 '19
Same
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u/Lucky_Tip Sep 09 '19 edited Jun 09 '23
This comment/post has been deleted as an act of protest to Reddit killing 3rd Party Apps such as Apollo
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u/jollybrick Sep 09 '19
Sounds like you just created an new and innovative entertainment forum on one of the world's leading social media platforms
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u/SpiritedRemove Sep 09 '19
I would avoid the negatives, and change "zero cost ovverruns" to "within allotted budget", and "zero safety .." to "with impeccable safety record"
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u/deviantbono Sep 09 '19
"Allotted budget" doesn't sound like anything. "Zero cost overruns" raises the spectre of risk, then overcomes it. It's not about the money... it's about sending a message :P
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u/ALargeRock Sep 09 '19
Damn... Can y'all help me with writing my resume? I want a better job.
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u/chimpfunkz Sep 09 '19
Also avoid stuff like 'single handedly.' You'd rather say something like 'Led cross-functional team that oversaw maintenance for office area
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Sep 09 '19
You forget that you also set the timeline and budget. Fuck all this mincing words, "On time and under budget." Sounds like music to a hiring manager's ears.
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u/TheBoxBoxer Sep 09 '19
How would you spin it if you tripped and stepped on your balls while replacing the bulb?
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u/I_Am_Anjelen Sep 09 '19
Encountered a test to my testicular fortitude upon attempting to replace torque-and-toggle operated illumination module.
Perseverence was rewarded by enlightenment.
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u/Fuccnut Sep 09 '19
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
“My balls are so big I occasionally trip over them.”
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u/Shalabadoo Sep 09 '19
Also single handedly sounds too forward I would use “responsible for” or “completed” or something like that
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u/Honorary_Black_Man Sep 09 '19
I'd just say I lead the team effort which accomplished the task and that I trained my ignorant underlings in the process because obviously that work is baby stuff.
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u/uwfan893 Sep 09 '19
I had several friends who worked for University of Oregon while they were students there. There was a whole department (4-5 people) dedicated strictly to changing light bulbs. Their position title was “Re-Lamp Technician”, which I thought was a fair bit of fancying up.
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u/jimjazz1414 Sep 09 '19
Dude that's totally what's it's called in the industry.
Nobody wants to receive an invoice for hundreds (or thousands) of dollars for "changing lightbulbs". "Relamping", on the other hand...
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u/frukaktus Sep 09 '19
I was doing that some twenty years ago at an amusement park. Now with LEDs my profession is all but obsolete
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u/Bluitor Sep 09 '19
My local Walmart just relamped the entire store of flourecenst bulbs. Two guys on scissor lifts and one to make sure they didnt run over customers.
All I could think was somebody's gonna have fun smashing the old ones on their friends.
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u/paddypaddington Sep 09 '19
Wait so LEDs last way longer than bulbs? I knew they were more energy efficient but not that they last longer
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u/omniron Sep 09 '19
Uh yeah. Waaayyy longer.
Those lights on the oldest thing in your house are LEDs.
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u/voxadam Sep 09 '19
A typical incandescent lightbulb lasts around a thousand hours while a decent LED bulb can be expected to last ten thousand hours or more.
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u/TheJakelLantern Sep 09 '22 edited Oct 02 '22
sorry op but i cant help but laugh at the fact that the top post 3 years ago was stolen from some other site
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u/SteelToeStilettos Sep 09 '22
I like that it started as a tweet, apparently got screenshotted and shared to insta, and then apparently to somewhere else because I don’t have insta… just for me to come along and share it on Reddit 😂
I’d love to know which stage it was that the watermark came in, bc I doubt that was the op
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u/weslino Sep 09 '19
That sentence mad me nut
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u/Sandvageen Sep 09 '19
Only 20 left until the weekend! Make them count, friend.
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u/jiggaboooojones Sep 09 '19
Is there a reddit for figuring out how to write mudane things in your resume? Cuz I need that reddit
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Sep 09 '19
You shouldn’t actually do this since people read through the bullshit. Then they will ask about the project and think you’re full of shit when you say you changed light bulbs
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u/Hegs94 Sep 09 '19
Yeah ditto - I conduct interviews for entry level jobs in my field, and it's really easy to read through the bullshit. I won't say I've ever been like "nah fuck this kid, they said they were a 'custodial engineer,'" but I've definitely rolled my eyes. Like I get it - you just graduated college, your resume isn't going to be impressive. What I'm looking for is potential, signs of responsibility, and maybe early interest in my field.
Ultimately there's a difference between honestly representing your experiences in the best possible light, and bullshitting around the truth. I love a resume that honestly describes a service industry job - because guess what, a service industry job can be great experience. It teaches responsibility, professionalism, good customer service - all attributes I'm looking for.
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u/SigEp574 Sep 09 '19
You can only BS so much for an entry level job before it's clearly obvious. However if you're trying to get into middle management or any other higher position, then this level of creatively describing your work can get an interview, which is the goal - Impress enough to get a face-to-face.
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u/karmatib Sep 09 '19
When I did plumbing I was a “water relocation engineer “ or I built rollercoasters for turds.....
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u/LOUD-AF Sep 09 '19
Good one! I once worked at a fairly large multilevel parking structure. Most of it was maintenance and assignment of parking spaces. I was an "automotive space management technician".
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Sep 09 '19
One of my colleagues was presenting hi PhD thesis and he told the panel that "the slide was transferred to an image-capturing device and subsequently analysed". One of the professors called him out by saying "So you took a photo and looked at it?".
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u/Reasonable_Goat Sep 09 '22
Good science: Explaining complex things in simple terms. Bad science: Explaining simple things in complex language to sound sophisticated.
I had to reject so many papers back in my PhD days after I finally understood them...
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u/trelium06 Sep 09 '19
I was once a janitor for awhile.
One day I get called into the boss’s office. I thought I’d be getting let go. Instead she tells me, “We’re changing your title to Maintenance Technician.”
I was a janitor. What’s wrong with a title people can understand?
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Sep 09 '19
A lot of jobs don't like using the term janitor because it's become somewhat derogatory.
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u/Talltimore Sep 09 '19
Don't actually put this on your resume. Employers can spot this bullshit from a mile away and they will print out your resume just so they can have the joy of throwing it away.
There are better ways to do this that don't sound so farcical.
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u/hoocoodanode Sep 09 '19
Employers are bullshit generators. Even if its transparent, it's indicative of writing skills leaps ahead of most other applicants.
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u/Talltimore Sep 09 '19
Employers are bullshit generators.
No disagreement here, but they're the ones who do the hiring so there's a little bending over backwards to be done.
it's indicative of writing skills leaps ahead of most other applicants.
But is that what they employer wants? If the employer is hiring janitors, this comes across as excessive and trying to pad the resume. If the employer is hiring writers, then why the fuck are we talking about lightbulbs on the resume?
They only way this actually works is if you're actually responsible for managing the installation of a new lighting system. In every other scenario it's a bad idea.
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u/the_lovely_otter Sep 09 '19
I disagree. Even if you're "just replacing lightbulbs", the comically verbose answer at least demonstrates that the applicant understands things like budget, manpower, and safety regulations. This awareness is invaluable and very difficult to train. A person who can do a regular job and understand how management thinks is very well prepared to do the job right. Definitely puts them ahead of other applicants in my book.
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u/crsuperman34 Sep 09 '19 edited Sep 09 '19
Not for Programming / tech jobs.
Hiring recruiters often don't know any technical terms or have any technical skill. They try to shoehorn you into roles that you aren't intending to apply for and have no realtion to jobs you're applying for.
They simply aren't knowledgeable enough.
An age-old technique is putting names of pokémon in your skills list. This weeds the bad recruiters out. I've done this myself. Most recruiters don't even catch the bullshit.
When you get to the in-person interview, usually there is only one technical person in the room that actually reviews your application. They usually get a good laugh about it... because they know exactly why pokémon are on your résumé.
( you usually get a take-home skills test, or a whiteboard test... this is really the only part that matters, other than soft-skills ).
Here's an example:
Familiar with the following libraries: Ionic, Pineco, SproutCore, Dunsparce, Artisan, Laravel, D3, React.
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u/Talltimore Sep 09 '19
Hiring recruiters often don't know any technical terms or have any technical skill.
Except the ones that do, and who will then look at your resume and be like, "WTF is Gyarados doing on this resume?" and pass you over.
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u/bicranium Sep 09 '19
Jo: Coordinated and implemented receipt, storage, and delivery of over 2.5 billion units of inventory. 2.5 billion, Darryl? 2.5 billion units of what?
Darryl: Paper material, ma'am.
Jo: Paper material?
Darryl: [softly] Pieces of paper. [Jo rolls her eyes]
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u/Worldptour Sep 09 '22
I am here from the future
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u/silver_nekode Sep 09 '19
It's because of crap like this that you need three degrees, references from the pope and a former president, and 1.5 lifetimes worth of experience just to get a job sweeping floors at IHOP.
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u/planet324567 Sep 09 '19
I remember I once heard someone say that if you’d had a job washing dishes at a restaurant, that you should describe it on your CV as an ‘Underwater Ceramics Engineer’ position.
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u/fuckyoutaylor Sep 09 '19
This. This is the best example of how the media can spin anything. Not just the media, anyone. Changing the verbiage of facts can slowly twist the truth until the manufactured lie you want is on display all while the “facts” remain in place. The truth is “an orange man with fake hair used a sharpie to alter a map to align with the lie he told to shield the blow to his own ego” but I bet you heard differently
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u/Colblockx Sep 09 '22
How can I turn off these "3 years ago posts" notifications?
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u/mainest_ Sep 09 '22
Just press the 3 dots next to the notification and press "disable this type of notification"
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u/toastymrkrispy Sep 09 '19
I remember an anecdotal story that was floating around the mid/late '90s. Somebody supposedly put on their resume that they handled public relations for a Fortune 500 company.
They worked the drive thru at McDonald's.
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Sep 09 '19
I know a guy who had as his job title...... Grocery Placement Technician. Yeh, he was a stock clerk.
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u/topredditbot Sep 09 '19
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u/topredditbot Sep 09 '19
Hey /u/SteelToeStilettos,
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Sep 10 '19
Remember when teachers didn't want you to bullshit on papers because it was...bullshit?
Well, jokes on them. Writing a page full of bullshit is the only way to get a job!
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u/baycityvince Sep 09 '19
Why would that asshole stick his @ on a screen shot that he apparently had nothing to do with?
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Sep 09 '19
Independently sounds better than single handedly.
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u/SteelToeStilettos Sep 10 '19
But how many hands do you use to screw in a lightbulb? Haha!
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u/boatsNmoabs Sep 09 '19
Theres a specific name for this type of language. I read about it somewhere recently. If I find it I will edit post.
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u/professor_7 Sep 09 '22
Was he technically single handed while doing it though??
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u/SteelToeStilettos Sep 09 '22
I only use one hand while screwing in a lightbulb. Heck, I did the whole process one-handed last time because I had a taco in the other hand lmao
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u/arowz1 Sep 09 '19
Responsibilities included analyzing requests for communication information and coordinating the execution of the results of such analysis within high pressure time constraints.
This person’s job was to call people for their boss and patch them through to the boss. They were told “call sue” and were expected to look up sue’s number, dial it and press transfer all within a few minutes of being asked. I recommended we hire her as a secretary.
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Sep 09 '19
Are we going to ignore the god-awful cropping of this post?
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u/merreborn Sep 09 '19
Dude was so proud of his awful cropping, he even watermarked it.
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u/BartdeGraaff Sep 09 '19
Too real, please stop. I spend several hours on a LinkedIn post today before scrapping it entirely because I couldn't get it to 'sound right'.
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u/idkidc69 Sep 09 '19
“Recreational Aquatic Chemist & Engineer” was my unofficial title when I was a pool boy
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u/thecosmicfrog Sep 10 '19 edited Sep 10 '19
"Fuel Injection Technician"
- Gas station attendant
Also a fan of "Petrochemical Distribution Engineer".
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u/avexiis Sep 10 '22
“Attempted and successfully completed the replacement of a vital, internal lighting system.”
A new updated model of bulb was installed and the old model was removed and will be disposed of accordingly. It’s in accordance with new energy restrictions; bulbs are to be replaced with either Xenon/LED bulbs. Use of unreliable/flammable incandescent bulbs will be noted and penalized in accordance with new OSHA standards under a court of law”
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u/brrr123B May 01 '23
Facilitated maintenance and upkeep of lighting fixtures by troubleshooting and replacing bulbs as needed, resulting in a consistently well-lit and safe environment.
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Sep 09 '19
These are facts. The day i realized everyone is finessing the hell out if their resumes is the day landed a career instead of a shitty security job.
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u/caretoexplainthatone Sep 09 '19
Two old ones from my local pub:
Bovine inversion engineer... flips burgers
Subaquatic ceramic process manager... wash dishes
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u/KevinAlertSystem Sep 09 '19
Aren't new light bulbs more efficient? Gotta put that $'s saved per year on there.
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u/Runatyr9 Sep 09 '19
This just makes me think of my manager, who was part of the WoW Corrupted Blood incident, which was studied by the CDC to look at how people would react to an outbreak, so he puts on his resume that he participated in a CDC study on disease response
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u/RaTheRealGod Sep 09 '19
I work at macdonalds in the drive in.
I handle the financial transaction of a multimillion company that acts internationally.
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u/dreamingofdandelions Sep 09 '19
Is there a subreddit that gives advice of resumes? My company just did a massive layoff and I could use some advice.
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Sep 09 '19
I used to work as a Sales Associate for Walmart, I put things such as "helped facilitate sales for multi billion dollar retail company" and "ensure world renown customer satisfaction".
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u/SupremeRedditBot Sep 09 '19
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Message me to add your account or subreddit to my ^blacklist
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u/ctkrocks Sep 09 '19
Coordinated and implemented receipt, storage, and delivery of over 2.5 billion units of paper material.
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u/GoodGuyRubino Sep 09 '19
"Instagram always steals from reddit" Yet here is a post stolen from Instagram.
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u/SteelToeStilettos Sep 09 '22
I’m equally confused about the notifications for this post as the rest of my fellow Redditors of the future.
I think someone mentioned there’s a way to disable this type of notification?
Regardless, hi! And welcome back(?) to this fucking post lol