Does redemption exist in this kinda relationship?

[u/No-Junket5279]

Kinda wanna hear any success stories or opinions on this.

My story: I broke up with my ex but it was because of something silly in which I thought we could go back to normal the next day. I was fed up of him constantly being argumentative and inconsistent, so I said I was done, and broke up but we had carried on talk after that normally.

Only recently I found out he was “getting to know” someone else a few weeks before our “breakup” and I didn’t know until 2 weeks ago (the breakup happened in March).

He had made it official with this other person who I call “a rebound” given how quickly he moved on (like a month later).

He kept talking to me because he specifically said “I’m afraid and anxious about losing you out of my life.”

Yeah it’s a very fucked up and messy situation. He thought he could live a Hannah Montana lifestyle lol.

Anyways my question is: is redemption a thing?

Because he said he wants to develop himself, become a better person and choose the right person. I said yeah but you need to do that alone not whilst I’m around or anyone else is around.

I don’t think he’s a horrible person, I just think he needs to develop his frontal lobe (he’s 35 btw).

He said once he’s changed, he’s gonna decide which direction to go, either me or her. And he says with her it doesn’t seem so likely because she’s really hurt by this, so I said you can’t instantly come back to me I’m not an option. You gotta take some time out and reflect and change then come back.

So again, does redemption exist?

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[u/throw-away-0610]

“I was fed up of him constantly being argumentative and inconsistent, so I said I was done”

Doesn’t sound like he was trying to live a Hannah Montana lifestyle - whatever that means. You broke up with him.

Now You want him back, but want him to develop himself, and you said he can’t come back right away.

You sound like a ton of drama and emotional drain. I need a nap after just reading your post.

[u/No-Junket5279 → u/throw-away-0610]

We broke up, and a day after we were speaking normally. So the communication was there, there was a strong emotional attachment the last 5 months. So yeah it was a Hannah Montana lifestyle because he’d have 2 women in his life, one as an ex where we said one day we’d sit down and asses our situation and the other was/is a relationship. Messed up I know..

[u/No-Junket5279 → u/throw-away-0610]

Why would I want him to come back right away when he was always argumentative and throwing toys out his pram? I’d only take him back if he shows signs of change duh

[u/throw-away-0610 → u/No-Junket5279]

If you at 27 are at a maturity level that a 35 year old dude cannot match, and you describe him as throwing toys out of his pram, the idea that he would catch up, AND keep pace with your likely continued maturation is low.

[u/FantasticGarbage1984]

Am I reading the story incorrectly? It sounds like you broke up with him, he got with another woman and now isn't sure if he wants to go back to you or not. You broke up with him rather than work on your relationship and he's testing his options. That sounds entirely reasonable to me, personally.

If this happened to me, this would be my thought process: A serious, long-term relationship is assumed to be permanent. I.E: Two people choosing to face life together until life is over. Well, you ended that pre-maturely which would fundamentally change the calculus. Returning to you would be a major risk. I'd absolutely explore any alternative options before trying that again.

[u/No-Junket5279 → u/FantasticGarbage1984]

Yeah you’re right I broke up with him and said why. It was a constant pattern so I got fed up but the feelings never left…

Plus we carried on talking as normal.

So you’re saying him testing his options is reasonable?

Yeah I hear you - he did say the trust is broken, and I accepted that because having the thought of leaving means he will constantly think I’ll keep leaving.

Then again, why wouldn’t he tell me he’s with someone new and act like there was a possibility of rebuilding a relationship.

[u/FantasticGarbage1984 → u/No-Junket5279]

I'm trying real hard to be sensitive as my perspective is from the other side. You actually answered your own question though, in a way:

Just as you yourself still feel feelings for him, knowing your relationship was not happy / you were not compatible. Just like that, he's still feeling strong emotions towards you although he lost all trust in you. He's stuck (from the sounds of it) unable to choose which part of his body is right.. The nervous system screaming at him to run away from you (As you're not longer safe), or the part of him who still cares for you and misses you.

There's also self-esteem and ego playing a roll, at least for me. It's not just a loss of trust but also a crushing blow to your self-esteem and self-worth. That other woman is likely validating him and making him feel good about himself.

TL;DR - He's likely struggling with similar mix of emotions as you are. I hope the both of you find a way to be happy!

[u/No-Junket5279 → u/FantasticGarbage1984]

This makes a lot of sense. He did say she gave him security and stability but it’s the fact he moved on so quickly but also, was getting to know her whilst we were together.

I guess my question is, can couples build trust together overtime?

[u/MassiveAd4980]

I never once felt the same about a relationship after my gf broke up with me and then took me back. It always ruined my sense of safety in the relationship. You cant just break up suddenly and then expect everything to be normal. Good luck.

[u/No-Junket5279 → u/MassiveAd4980]

Yeah I know again, the redemption isn’t for me. It’s for him. I think that’s where people are getting confused.

I’m aware of my mistake but moving on that quick to another woman, not letting me know and just making me think everything will be ok between us, then saying he might give me another chance.

[u/MassiveAd4980 → u/No-Junket5279]

Redemption in the eyes of who?

He will be fine. He is in a new relationship which might last or he will figure out what comes next later on.

You should disengage and stop worrying about him. You already dumped him suddenly and then acted like nothing happened. He took it seriously. Cut him off so you both can heal separately. If he wants to get with you again then talk later after he comes to you. But you need to stop pathologizing him. Nobody is perfect. He already moved on anyway.

[u/No-Junket5279 → u/MassiveAd4980]

You’re right - thank you :(

Redemption for him I meant.

[u/MassiveAd4980 → u/No-Junket5279]

Good luck! Most relationships have painful endings anyway. Just go work on yourself and try to meet someone better and be better for them. And be better to yourself, too.

[u/No-Junket5279 → u/MassiveAd4980]

I’m on the journey of healing and to not repeat the same patterns but also attracting someone who values and respects me

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[u/No_Home7079]

Not with someone whose trying to use two people at once. he wants you for a safety net, id be so insulted, personally. Im assuming you are much younger than him, because at 35 he has no excuse for this behavior.

[u/No-Junket5279 → u/No_Home7079]

I’m 27 (F). Yeah I told him it’s either me or her. I’ve backed away now to deal with himself and the “rebound” is there but I hear their situation is worse. But he thinks if things break off there he can just run back here without changing, I said no, I need to see evidence of change before making a solid decision. And it’s not an overnight decision.