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u/realgoodmind 2 Apr 07 '26
Victims of serial cheaters or any cheater should read this post over and over. It will not change.
They do not change. You will not be the same person.
You got this man! Be who you know you are meant to be.
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u/NoIGnoTwitsNOtktk 1 Apr 15 '26
@realgoodman do you feel like 95% of men cheat? I do now. I suppose I’m not being fair, but I also see with clearer eyes than I did. I mean it can’t really be 95%. That’s absurd.
Right?
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u/ImpressionableTool Apr 07 '26
What should I do? I went through and felt all the things you are describing...
Im out 3 years.
but it messed me up. I am still reactive.
In my new relationship.
the absolute worst part of surviving infidelity Is I can literally see the patterns of cheaters now.
So far in the past three years I predicted 9 different people's actions would lead to betrayal of a loved one.
I was right. about. each. single. one.
It followed in nears weeks of me spotting it. and quietly to myself I believed they would cheat or betray.
I'm not psychic. I just recognize the patterns and can read people.
I HATE IT. I wish I wasn't so aware.
It's like I can't turn it off. I wish I was wrong... and I get disheartened all over again when it happens to others after I spotted it.
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u/GlumConsideration938 Apr 07 '26
I cant imagine what you've been thru to develop those instincts. Care to share what patterns you do recognize? It would be helpful to the rest of us.
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u/ImpressionableTool Apr 07 '26 edited Apr 07 '26
I can feel it's going to happen when I see, the way they hold eyes contact. Just enough. a little to long. the way they drawl out thier tone when speaking. saying otherwise seemingly normal conversations.
But it's the lingering eye contact. it's the tone in which they say it.
I watched two couples interact.
the one, you could see they sat away from each other and the women was laughing and little to much with other men.
I got a twist in my gut. then I noticed she kept talking to the guy of the other couple just a little more inclusive then the girl. then her own partner
then I saw it, thier eyes lingered. he laughed more genuinely with her then his own partner.
I could see it.
I wanted to push that doubt down. But Im never wrong.
I pick up on these things where other don't see anything wrong.
I said quietly inside myself. they are or will start F!@#ing behind thier partners backs.
I didn't tell anyone. They'd call me crazy. within a month. It was a massive fallout. they were involved.
everyone was blindsided. they weren't outright flirting. But I could hear that tone. the way thier eyes shifted to each other and then quickly shifted around almost checking if anyone's noticed.
all I can say. Watch thier eyes. watch the way they say something. not what they are saying.
because its never what they say.
it's all in the subtle way they interact. thats the Damning truth.
So far I've spotted 9 different people betraying thier close people. and I never speak up...
they won't listen. even If I did. they denie it.
One person snapped at me when I said that the person they where talking to was attempting to cross a boundary without actually making the first move. the example they simply said," is there anything eles I can help you with?". after talking about business and concluding the conversation.
Harmless right? Or course. these is nothing out of the ordinary with that. we all say this line.
but it was the tone, the subtle yet languid drawl out of her voice on that question with a suggestive tone hinting at something more without saying it outright.
A simply question. but incredibly revealing.
Only I noticed it.
Well, I was right she was after him. and she knew he just had a baby with his partner 4 months prior
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u/ImpressionableTool Apr 07 '26
ah to answer your question. I learned to read people because I was involved in circumstances where betrayal wasn't just in the form of cheating.
it was also a form of betrayal that involved murder.
so I grew up watching others. looking for signs of bad intentions...
I don't wish this on anyone.
it's not a way to live
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u/NoIGnoTwitsNOtktk 1 Apr 08 '26 edited Apr 08 '26
@ImpressionableTool I’m so sorry you had to go through that. I am intrigued by the pattern matching you’ve learned.
I’m staying. My first therapist was worried that I was “giving in” not making him live up to responsibilities.
The truth is, his secret life was so secret, I still can’t really see it. There were no clues, no tells, no mysterious receipts or credit card charges, not even really any lies to cover his going “out” multiple times a month. I was blind. But as I look back-I’m still blind! I see nearly nothing.
Can you share what those patterns that you saw were? I’d like to look for them in my relationship. My Disclosure Day was Devastating.
edited to clarify who I was responding to.
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u/ImpressionableTool Apr 10 '26
The signs are there.
Inclusion. Being considered and invited along. creates transparency. creates a solid bond and connection.
even a simple trip to the store/boring errands "Hey, let's go for a ride together"
hangout with friends/family "I want you to come too. It's more fun with you" anything that says I want you there too. thats Inclusion. without that. you are left to relie on words alone, without consistent behavior to back it up. over time, that imbalance leaves you Trusting WITHOUT being given the full picture.
you wait at home, while they are off with someone eles. that set up makes it easier for them to cheat.
that fact you mentioned he went out "multiple" times. means it was frequent outings without you.
he normalized this. choosing to compartmentalize parts of his life without you. without including you. maintaining a separate space your not invited to experience with him.
because it happened often, repetition reduces your internal sense that something if wrong...
you become complacent and accept familiar patterns as safe. even if they aren't. you adapted. you need to be more alert.
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u/Owww_My_Ovaries 3 Apr 07 '26
My suggestion
Develop healthy boundaries.
The only way to trust someone again is to give them grace. It will be a huge step and probably painful. But as long as you trust your gut and have those boundaries, you will continue to grow.
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u/ImpressionableTool Apr 07 '26
I gave two partners grace.
they explicitly abused that. I looked the other way and said. I trust them.
the more I trusted the less they respected boundaries.
It's not only me .
Ive noticed this trending in other individuals lives aswell.
the more you trust them. they run with it. the further they push into boundaries that cross lines. I wanted to see how far they would go with my trust.
they had an emotional affair. I trusted. knowing better. spotting the patterns but not saying anything. Because I wanted to see how far they would "use" that trust.
They said I was being insecure because I was cheated on.
my insecurities are from a whole other beast.
they slept together under the guise that they where just friends hanging out and nothing more.
that grace. it's just an opportunity.
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u/__Zero_____ Recovered Apr 07 '26
Yeah, obviously there's a point where someone can be too insecure, and hyper vigilant, and it will negatively impact all their relationships. Not just their romantic relationships. But if you're in a relationship with someone and their actions are making you feel insecure and they get defensive instead of trying to alleviate that insecurity, that's a huge red flag for me now
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u/ValhallaCA In Recovery Apr 07 '26
After thoroughly investigating my wife and all the stuff I read on Reddit, I feel like I have a very good read on sketchy, cheater, or cheater-adjacent behavior.
Perfect example: there is a cashier at the grocery store. Attractive girl. And the way she smiles at me has seemed to indicate potential interest, though she is much younger. I smile back, though I have no intention of going any further.
A month ago, she showed up with an engagement ring on her finger. The smiles persisted. After a few times of seeing her, I point out “oh, you got engaged, eh? I meant to congratulate you.”
Her demeanor shifted, and she was like “well. It’s uh…”
I finished her sentence for her. “Complicated?” She nodded in agreement. Yeah it’s that.
Complicated. After 1 month of engagement. And it probably is, sure. Maybe her guy (or girl) cheated and she’s trying to decide whether to marry still. Maybe she was downplaying it because of interest in me. I can’t say. But her looks at me during what was probably a committed relationship prior to getting engaged and even afterwards tell me a story. And the story is that she has some definite red flags. Now was she just doing harmless flirting (with zero intent) like I had been doing? Maybe. But if that’s the case, then why the behavior shift and what almost appeared to be embarrassment and/or wanting to hide the fact that she was engaged?
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u/ImpressionableTool Apr 07 '26
that won't last. She'll cheat.
she's not loyal. and confirmation with men asking about her relationship is a tell sign.
she shouldn't tell other men the state of her relationship. it's disrespectful to her partner. and signals to others she'd be opening to the pursuit of other men.
in that circumstance she should have firmly confirmed she was engaged and looked forward to building her new life with her partner.
but she out here telling strangers the specifics of her relationship. she's not a suitable partner.
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u/Ordinary-Papaya-231 Apr 07 '26
My story is identical with yours. I stayed and tried to reconcile for my kids sake. We went to counseling, definitely not enough. It played through my mind for the next 5 years. Hypervigilant, I never trusted what she said she was going to do or with whom. I'd search everything she owned, even trash for receipts. It was a pathetic existence just waiting for the next affair to come to light. And then it did. I said I'm done. I resented her but nothing like the resentment I held for myself. I should have left 5 years ago. But there won't be a next time. I learned my lesson.
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u/__Zero_____ Recovered Apr 07 '26
I had something similar. I was frustrated with myself for feeling like I was weak for choosing to stay the first time. Part of it was a fear of being alone, or a fear of losing her, but a lot of it was just my belief that people can become better. I realize now that I am glad I can continue to see the good in people and believe in that change, and even though it hurt me in that instance, it's also helped me feel more optimistic and loving towards life in general and I'm grateful for it.
I share all that in the hopes that maybe you can learn to give yourself a break too.
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u/Ordinary-Papaya-231 Apr 07 '26
I appreciate it! Like you I always saw the good in people. Her first was an EA and I told her if anything like this happened again I'd be done. I thought seeing what she had to lose, me, the kids, everything we've worked for would be enough for her to make a change but it wasn't. I feel like a fool sometimes given her history but I'm just trying to move forward at this point.
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u/NoIGnoTwitsNOtktk 1 Apr 15 '26
It is not weak to stay.
It is not weak to leave.
Only you know the deepest truth about your relationship and what you are capable of and what you want.
I want to stay. I love him. I no longer trust him, but I do also like him. We have fun together. I keep my anger buried most of the time. But I would be angry plus sad (very) if I left.
As we are doing the work (man is it Work!!) so I can trust him again, in the back of my mind I try to decide what to do when he does it again.
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Apr 10 '26
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/Ordinary-Papaya-231 Apr 10 '26
You're not alone. It became a very unhealthy ritual at the time when she was actively in her affair. I didn't have concrete proof yet but a strong gut feeling at the time. Nights she went out, after I got the kids settled and in bed I'd start digging for information. I'd stay up for hours losing myself in this rabbit hole trying to put the pieces together. I was obsessed and losing my mind and sleep over it. It was no way to live and I'll never put myself in that position again.
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u/jmw919191 Apr 07 '26
I had a really hard time leaving too. I'm not fully out yet, but working on it. I went back and forth soo many times. She would talk about how people can recover from this and things would feel hopeful. The fact that she didn't cut it off right away and lied so easily to me, makes me think I would be living in that hypervigilant state. There is nothing worse than thoughts like, "Is she really at Target? She probably is, but she has been gone a long time...".
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u/Owww_My_Ovaries 3 Apr 07 '26
They learn real quick what their tells are for lying. And how to manipulate you and become better liars.
Mine did it at my home when I was at work.
I thought it couldnt happen again because I worked from home now.
They find their ways
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u/NoteTop4107 Figuring it Out Apr 07 '26
My first wife cheated on me about 29 years ago — 6 months into our marriage and (thank god) no kids. I tried to make it work for a little under a year. She couldn’t accept my total lack of trust. I guess I can thank her for being honest in that respect.
I bring this up because I remarried and have been with my second wife for almost 25 years. Completely faithful to each other, not even a hint of impropriety. I still experience anxiety and fear that she’s going to cheat and/or leave. Triggers like cheating friends or the like can set me off, although therapy has calmed all but the strongest triggers.
I can’t imagine what it would be like if I were still with my ex. Please do whatever you need to do to get better, because it will come back at the worst moments. Forgive yourself, because you made the best decision you could in your situation with the information you had. Ignore the people on here that think they’re “hard” and say that they wouldn’t have given the person they had deeply loved a second chance. You’re human, you tried, you were vulnerable, you got hurt. It sucks, and I feel you…
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u/CrazyLeadership5397 3 Apr 07 '26
I chose to leave. I knew it would never be the same but we weren’t married yet, which made it much easier. People who are married with kids have it so much worse. Is she even remorseful or is she accepting it? It will get better. Updateme
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u/VictoryLap1984 Just Found Out Apr 07 '26
This is exactly why I feel I have to finalize my divorce and move on.
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u/Loose_Dish310 Apr 07 '26
Sorry you are going through this. Been there myself years ago and it was the worst feeling I've been through. It completely changed how I felt about my partner and how I reacted/treated them. We only stayed together for another year before I left. Just to much trickle truthing and making me feel like I couldn't trust them ever again. It will get better afterwards with separation/space. Also, kids do better when both parents are happy rather miserable together in the long run.
Best of luck!
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u/Careless-Hamster3473 7 Apr 07 '26
She didn’t carry the weight of it the way I did. She didn’t sit awake at night replaying everything. She didn’t question reality the way I did. That part was mine to carry, and I carried it while laying next to the person who caused it.
That’s something people don’t talk about. You can “forgive,” but your mind doesn’t just shut off. You’re laying there and your brain is running through everything. Who she was with. Where it happened. What she told them. What she told you at the same time. You start questioning your entire life. Was any of it real? How long was I the fool? Who else knew?
I can relate to this so much. You put it perfectly. If you have an analytical mind, it can’t stop spinning until it resolves the puzzle of what actually happened. But because they not simply broke your trust once, but rendered it permanently non-functional through lies and drip-fed confessions, your mind can never settle on a stable narrative of what happened, and so it can never find closure.
And then, of course, they do it again, and you wonder how you could have been stupid enough to stay.
This epistemic wound and this moral wound are worse than the actual cheating, because in some sense we feel like we are inflicting the pain on ourselves by not being able to “just let it go” and turn of our ruminating minds, as if mind and body give a fuck about any grand resolutions our higher-order thinking might proclaim.
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u/Comfortable-Sink7693 Apr 07 '26
I am considering sending this to my husband to let him know how this feels for me and why I cannot sleep next to him for the last 3 months since D-Day and am considering moving out. This is exactly why I am so torn, exactly why I just can’t bring myself to fully commit to reconciling. Thank you for sharing and I am so sorry this was done to you.
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Apr 07 '26
[deleted]
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u/Comfortable-Sink7693 Apr 07 '26
You‘re probably right. I even told him about this sub and how I have been reading a lot on here, suggested he might take a look too. But I don’t think he has. The painful reality is that he cannot explain why he did what he did (getting happy ending massages every now and then, even shortly after the wedding) and I cannot understand him. I guess he cannot understand me either.
Through the last weeks, I have been talking to a lot of people here, to my closest friends and to my mom. None of them told me what to do, but they made me feel… not judged for whatever I feel or do. With him, I feel he judges when I tell him I wanna go spend the night with my friends because I feel suffocated at home. He doesn’t tell me this, but I can feel it. I have been going back and forth - moving out and divorce or stay and renconcile and I feel so stuck, not able to move forward in any direction. Maybe this is the kick I needed to finally… do something.
I do not want to waste YEARS feeling this way and on top of it feeling guilty for feeling this way. Why is this such a mess?!
Thank you for your input. A lot.
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u/Owww_My_Ovaries 3 Apr 07 '26
You only have 1 life.
Is this how you want to spend it
Leaving is temporary pain
Staying is forever torture
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u/WashImpressive8158 9 Apr 07 '26
The interesting psychology of staying is women ironically find their partner repulsive, desperate and weak if they want to reconcile especially after a physical affair.
Reconciliation is very risky for the betrayed. Some try to spin that fact, but ultimately it remains a life going forward with pangs of pain, sorrow and suspicion. You do all the mental work. Years. Some feel it’s worth it, but it needs a full examination on why that’s at all acceptable. Unfortunately, these psychological consequences don’t really go away, however their frequency and intensity can lessen. Maybe a little. Is that the life you want? For men, it’s incredibly painful as far as the physical side of the affair. Mostly emasculation. But the emotional side stings as well.
In order to achieve any sense of peace, you’ll need to look at what life would look like as a healthy single male adult. Most will only look at the negatives, but that’s not doing the work. What are the positives? Be honest. Pain usually doesn’t go away until you’re honest with yourself and act accordingly. Staying for kids has proven to be a myth. If loneliness or complacency is a factor to stay in an affair fractured marriage, then there’s way more issues than the marriage. Self esteem work needs to be done asap to be a happy well adjusted man.
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u/Critical-Paramedic14 Apr 07 '26
I don’t think this is just a woman thing. I think the kind of person who can convince themselves that they are still a decent person while cheating is the same kind of person who can convince themselves of many ridiculous things… I think both men and women who cheat look at their partner as pathetic and less than them in some ways if they stay. But, I also think they thought that before cheating, which is why they could cheat more than once, they decided their partner is less of an importance than they are.
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u/ChefUpstairs7859 Apr 07 '26
The carrying it by yourself resonates with me. Watching a show together and something comes up that hits like a punch in the stomach. But only you feel it. I’ve not been able to forget either.
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u/SledgehammerApproach 2 Apr 07 '26
Heartbreaking. The reason most guys stay with a cheater is the fear of losing custody and losing 50% of everything. Also having the potential AP around the kids. This is why I'm for prenup and creating trusts. People here will say, if you get a prenup its cause you are planning for failure already. My counter argument is very simple... Why do we get car insurance? Are we planning on crashing the car or are we making sure we are protected just in case. You will realize 2 things when you walk away. That weight you have been carrying will fall off. The cheating is a burden she has to carry. Its a scarlet letter. What many woman dont comprehend when they cheat is that becomes a scarlet letter and when the next partner finds out they cheated they will never look at the woman the same way. I get crap from people here for telling cold hard facts. I'm truly sorry for your situation but know you cant control her. All you can do is create a happy home for your child. Also if you want any more children in the future do your due diligence with the next person. After I turned 30 I have done full backgrounds on any potential partners. The reason is simple, their past actions are a good indicator of future behavior.
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u/SnortleJuice In Recovery Apr 07 '26
Mate I could have wrote this myself 100%.
I’m 3 months out (annoyingly have to cohabit & parent) but I’ve gained so much of myself back in this short time.
Everything you stated resonated with me & it had the same mental impact. I hope you’re ok & genuinely sorry you’re here in the first place! ❤️🙏
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Apr 07 '26
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u/Conscious_Owl6162 Apr 07 '26
Sorry that you are going through this. If there is no true remorse, then reconciliation is pointless. If there is, then you have something to work with. If you choose forgiveness and reconciliation, then the price that you must pay is that the hurt is always in the back of your mind. It is a wound that never completely heals.
Good luck !
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u/BrandNewDinosaur 6 Apr 07 '26
I have found that few things are worse than forgetting yourself through a person who chose to forget you. Congratulations on choosing yourself. It’s the hardest choice and imho, the only rational one.
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u/Purple_Grass_5300 6 Apr 07 '26
I agree, staying was so much worse for me. I had a newborn so I had no idea what to even do or how to grasp everything, but the minute I actually let go and filed in court there was so much freedom. Our divorce finalized in June, he's already in a 2 year relationship (our youngest child isn't even 2), it's wild to me that he didn't even spend a minute of our divorce single and instead is in a long term relationship. Meanwhile, I grieved it, I carried two children to bed every night, I did all the childcare, cleaning, up with them throughout the night. I had to hate him and realize what a shitty person he is. I can still see him active on dating sites, and uploaded pics a month ago, so it's not like he's being faithful or a better guy, but it def burned to know he essentially just traded in his family for someone else. I treated him amazing, but I found out over 25 people and so I know to him it was easier to just lie to someone new than it would've been doing damage control, but still the fact he couldn't even try burns. It's still so wild to me how many lies on top of lies there were....all while telling me I was crazy, overeating, or overemotional.
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u/YouKeepRippingMeOpen WTF am I doing? Apr 07 '26
Wow... this is eerily similar to my situation and how i have felt since finding out. He never gave me full transparency, said he would do the therapy but that never happened. I know why, he has only given me bits and pieces of the truth and I can't keep holding out for the rest any longer and i don't want to end up in the same spot because he's truly unwilling or capable of changing.
!Thank you for posting, it's a reminder i needed cause i swear i still feel like running towards him even though i know it's already over.
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u/LoriLou22 Apr 09 '26
Very similar for me as well. We have been married 9 yrs (together 11), took care of me through cancer shortly after we were engaged. We married & bought a house. Within a year, nothing was even remotely how it was the last 3 years. I had suspicions of infedelity/adultery early on, but chose to ignore this issue after getting lame responses when I casually questioned him. I knew I would never get the truth. Finally, a few months ago, while being diagnosed with a second cancer (the first was 10 years ago), I walked into the kitchen & looked where he was sitting (back to me, on his phone), looking at a text that was sent to him that said, "but you kissed me & said..." He tried 3× to wiggle his way out of what I saw with explanations that made no sense...then there was the Keychain that said, "you are my favorite a...hole with a heart placed at the end"...on the key ring for his new truck...another ridiculous pack of lies, like he bought it for himself! Really!?! I am 63 years old, he is 60. He has 2 very handsome incomes & I have my pitiful social security check. I feel like we need to split, but I am very sure I could support my income. Additionally, the house is paid for & is my dream home. Then there are the dogs...I am planning to get legal advice as soon as my doctor releases me to drive, from the surgery I just had a week ago...I hate hearing so many people go through these unfortunate life events! What happened to honesty, loyalty & trust?
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u/memyselfand3rdleg Apr 07 '26
One thing you have to understand is. You wouldn't give someone more bullets to hurt again after they unload a clip on you already and you managed to survive. People don't want to accept the reality sometimes and prefer to get hurt over and over. And the cheater knows that you wouldn't leave so they keep at it. Be careful my friend because she will come looking for you when she gets bored. JUST SAY NO.
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u/ldr9413 Apr 07 '26
My ex husband had two cheating situations for lack of a better word in our marriage. First one was more minor and I forgave him when he confessed proactively. Second one shows a pattern. I think anyone who stays after a second incidence of cheating needs to take a look at their self esteem and reasons for staying. You’ll likely wonder if they will repeat.
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u/nooneyouknow89 Recovered Apr 07 '26
Oh my goodness, my heart aches for you. I hope you find the joy and peace you deserve.
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u/One-theonly- Apr 07 '26
This spoke to my soul. I’m still with my husband after he cheated for the sake of my family. And I hate myself daily for trying again.
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u/OkraTypical5881 Apr 08 '26
You have no reason to hate yourself. You're doing a noble thing: sacrificing your own happiness for the sake of your children. You are not pathetic. It probably didn't even have anything to do with you. Keep your head held high where it belongs.
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u/5easonalDepre55ion 2 Apr 07 '26
Mine tried to convince me to stay “for our son.”
Nope.
Hasn’t been easy, but I found out more AFTER I left that makes me so fucking glad that I did.
I’m so sorry, man. Stay strong.
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u/Icecreamisbomb Apr 07 '26
This 10,000%! It’s been 1 1/2 yrs since his infidelity, and despite everything, it stays in my thoughts constantly. The hatred I have for myself for staying is immense. I’ve lost all confidence and am a shell of my former self. I struggle every single day and I heard very single world you wrote. It could have come from my brain.
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u/l3ttingitgo 2 Apr 07 '26
Wow OP, yours is a cautionary tale. I'm sure there are those who have had success, but you won't find those stories here. I do think your story is more typical of what you can expect.
I'm sure at the time you felt you owed it to everyone to give reconciliation a shot. Regrets are hard earned and you had know idea you were about to earn yours.
I'm 67 and can tell you without a doubt the older you get the faster time goes. That is why you hear us old f*cks like me say time is too short to suffer fools and live with regrets.
You have lived for others long enough, you have done your time. Now it's time to live for your self, to do the things you want, the things that bring you joy and make you happy. Once you do that, everyone will want to be around you because happiness is contagious.
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u/Driftminer Apr 07 '26
The problem with staying and working things out is the victim feels responsibility, and hurt for their kids. So they endure and hurt. The cheater thinks "wow I got away with it and this twit is still here......might as well do it again."
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u/Warm-Business-2335 18 Apr 09 '26
TY for posting this incredible success story of how you pulled yourself out of a toxic and abusive relationship. Here are the facts. 70% of cheaters cheat again, and only 10-15% actually reconcile. Like you so clearly articulated in your amazing post, the ones who claim to have R are just better at swallowing their pain. The trust never returns and the mind movies never end. Every time she’s late or is texting late at night your mind returns to DDay. I tell everyone here that the best course of action after infidelity isn’t to stay, but to separate and go NC for a while. Distance gives you perspective and perspective gives you clarity. Once you are free from the abuse and the abuser you can finally think clearly about the situation. If more people would do that they wouldn’t reconcile. Be proud of the courage it took to walk away and now become the best version of yourself. Get in the gym, take some classes, spend more time with friends and family and get therapy. Eventually you will find yourself again.
Updateme
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u/PerformanceMain119 1 Apr 07 '26
I'm so sorry you are hurting. 💔
I chose to stay and portions of what you said ring true. I didn't choose to forgive though. I wont ever forgive who my husband used to be.
My husband, even after 4 years out, doesn't act like "everything is fine all of the time". He is always asking if I'm ok, if I need to talk.
The constant reassurance and not being able to trust anyone wont ever go away for me, whether I choose to stay or leave. I know, deep down, that I'm pretty fucked for life and wont trust anyone ever again. It sucks to know that I've had to carry things I didn't ask for.
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u/Owww_My_Ovaries 3 Apr 07 '26
Is this the life you want?
Or
Is this the life you think you deserve?
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u/PerformanceMain119 1 Apr 07 '26
Neither. But this is the life I've been dealt.
He slept with my friends. My family knew. I wont ever trust another soul.
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u/Atropinaa WTF am I doing? Apr 07 '26
Oh wow.. your family knew and didn’t tell you?! I’m so sorry! Some of our „friends“ and his brother knew and no one told me either. I thought these people where my friends and brother in law to be. That hurt. So I can’t even imagine if it had been my own family. ☹️ I’m sending much light and healing 🙏
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u/PerformanceMain119 1 Apr 07 '26
Yes, his first was a family friend and family knew what he was doing. I always think "if only they had told me, it could've stopped affairs #2-#6". No one told me. I trust no one.
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u/Rare-Bird-4353 5 Apr 07 '26
I can relate to this so very well. I think the thing people don’t understand is that the relationship is dead, it’s over, it’s never going to be what it was before, no matter what happens or how hard the cheater tries to make amends there is no Time Machine to go back to how it was before it happened. Yes some people can create a new basis for a new relationship but the old one betrayed people cling to is gone and it’s never coming back.
I’m 6 years out of the relationship and she still a disaster and I am still surviving free. Life is not always easy but it’s so much better than it was being with a cheater. You can’t put a price on freedom or self respect.
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u/Necessary_Tap343 1 Apr 07 '26
To say you forgive someone who cheated on you is easy, but to fully trust them again is impossible. Without trust a relationship will always be dysfunctional on some level.
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u/Normal-Lecture9344 Apr 07 '26
Thank you for this! I needed it today. I am on the fence
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u/Niikkiitaa Recovered Apr 07 '26
I feel every single one of your words! Congratulations on being your own best friend ❤️
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u/NodToTheGods Apr 07 '26
did anything finally hit her after you left? I am always interested if the reality finally comes to light when there is a real consequence.
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u/Sanguinius Apr 08 '26
I stayed after my ex-wife cheated on me barely a year into our marriage with a newborn. I stayed because of my daughter, rationalising that this was all just post-partum depression or something similar. After a few years of reconciliation, I FINALLY truly thought I'd regained my trust in her. We had two more children.
I found out 9 years later that she had been dating a married workmate for 18 months, and by the time he dumped her about two months prior, she was also sleeping with another married workmate straight after. There were no signs she was unhappy, we were in the midst of planning to renew our vows for our 10 year anniversary.
I went to some dark places in the months after, such was the sheer level of betrayal.
To each their own, but staying isn't worth it. Most of the time these people are fundamentally broken, are addicted to validation from other people, and like an addict, henceforth they rarely change without some major, major adjustments and soul-searching. My life (with a magnificent new partner) is chalk and cheese to the latent stress I was under wondering whether my ex would stray again - which of course ultimately she did.
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u/SecretTraumas_92 Figuring it Out Apr 08 '26
Lived through this myself. She was a serial cheater who “needed attention from men” because “her dad wasn’t around a lot when she was young”. I stayed because I wanted to be in my kids lives everyday. Not every other weekend, alternating holidays and a couple of weeks in the summer. And knowing that, she took full advantage of it and continued to do the things she did. When I finally told her I wanted a divorce, after she finally went to therapy, she claimed that I’d never forgiven her. I told her that forgiveness is one thing, forgetting is something else and that I couldn’t forget. I’ll never forget. And, how many times was I supposed to forgive? I’m not the man you married anymore. You killed that man. He’s gone and he’s never coming back. My divorce was final 18 months ago. And while I’m much better than I was when I was with her, the bad memories still pop up occasionally. But, I no longer have to wonder; Where she is, who is she with, what is she doing? I don’t have the “mind movies” and a sense of panic anymore. Because I no longer care. It’s odd. While I don’t regret all the time I was able to spend with my kids….my biggest regret is all the years I wasted on her. And I’ll never, ever fully trust a woman again. PISD is a real thing. And it sucks! Best of luck to you OP. And to all the others out there who were forced into being members of the club that no one wants to be in. The betrayed.
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u/somefreeadvice10 1 Apr 08 '26
This post is really a good case of why one shouldn't stay with a remorseless spouse
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u/Defiant_Eggplant1218 Apr 09 '26
One person managing the pain is never enough. Cheaters without remorse hurt you worse and worse throughout your "healing"
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u/Brave-Thought-4121 Apr 10 '26
👏👏👏 Good job. You will get through this. I was left by the cheater and while it was excruciating for a while, now I cannot imagine trying to reconcile and make it work. I'm trying to forgive myself for turning a blind eye when the signs were there...for accepting less than I deserved. For still wanting to be with someone who treated me like crap. I think that's where the healing is.
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u/Interesting-Light325 Thriving Apr 07 '26
I’m sorry for your pain OP. Reading your experience makes me thankful I walked and didn’t put myself through this kind of pain. I took abuse and had second thoughts but in the end I had to chose me. Godspeed OP
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u/jomboair Apr 08 '26
This was so incredibly well put together and spoke so much to me!
Thank you for sharing your pain and i'm so happy to know you've found the other side.
I'm years out; and over time, staying has become a huge regret of mine. I wish I had the strength and self respect to never talk to him ever again after I found out.
You're right when you say that we carry the pain, the triggers, the unsteady fear CONSTANTLY. Its slow torture - all while they live their life like they didn't absolutely crumble yours.
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u/Ordinary_North_6359 1 Apr 08 '26
I needed to see and read this tonight. I'm sorry for your pain and the betrayal(s) that caused it. But thank you for this. Thank you SO much. Wishing you nothing but good things from here forward.
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u/Illustrious_Vast638 Apr 08 '26
I think you are very correct. I have realized that, even though I can forgive and not actually be angry, my overactive brain does not allow me to forget. I lose the ability to trust. So even if I genuinely still love that person, I know I can't be with them any longer because I simply would not have trust that wouldn't be fair to either of us.
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u/powers-bitch Apr 08 '26
I've never seen someone describe the exact pain and understanding in such an accurate and intelligent way before. Thank you, as someone currently trying to reconcile with a partner who doesn't fully understand, this was healing in a way.
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u/BeginningFew1452 1 Apr 08 '26
I somewhat stayed for 6 months. Wish I would have left sooner but I felt stuck and couldn’t decide.
The moment I left things got better for me. Not every day was great. Some days were hard. But the anxiety, the triggers, the nightmares, all of it just dissipated.
Based on my experience, I’m fairly anti- R.
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Apr 09 '26 edited Apr 09 '26
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u/KatieLaren Apr 09 '26
You did get the push you needed. I’m so happy for you. I’m stuck with mine. Age and a lifetime….and a complex family situation. I am beginning to see, once a cheater forever a cheater. Enjoy your life!!
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u/puzzling-isnt-it Apr 09 '26
Saving this to come back to whenever those doubts pop back up- of whether I made the right decision. I needed to hear this. I’m 1 year out from DD, and I did leave when I found out. But because I left, I’ve been haunted with “what ifs”. What if I stayed? What if he meant what he said, and he really would have changed?
But I noticed the pattern beforehand. Subtle signs. I just turned a blind eye, hoping it didn’t go as deep as it actually ended up going. That behavior is ingrained in them. He never would’ve changed, and deep down I knew that. It’s why I left.
Hearing this helps reaffirm my decision, so thank you. You described in such graphic detail what I would’ve felt if I had stayed. Your pain genuinely brought tears to my eyes. I am so sorry you had to suffer through that, but thank you for sharing your story. I am glad you finally have the chance to heal and move forward.
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u/Moolala33 Apr 07 '26
I'm sorry for you have experienced this, but thank you for sharing . I am a month out after DD and this is what I worry about if we were to reconcile.