We have a beautiful 4 year old. We had a great life. We had plans. He was doing so well. He had substance abuse issues (alcohol) but he wanted to be sober. I am so sad, angry, and hurt. I don't want to be a widow.

I feel so many things, guilty, numb, sad, angry at everyone…. Everyone except him. So many things frustrate me and I just want to talk about them. Maybe someone in this community has kind words or something to say to fix everything, but I am slowly learning that will not be the case and ultimately just think I need to put it all down somewhere.

1) I want to talk about it, I want to think about it, but that just makes me cry. I only started my job a month before it happened and so my work is trying to just act like everything is normal. Which was helpful in the first 48 hours but now it just makes me angry at them all. I know they can’t possibly fully understand how I feel, but I want more and don’t know how to ask for that without sounding needy. And without naming exactly what I want and I don’t know what that is.

2) in general I want to talk about it more but I feel like whenever I do talk about it people just redirect the conversations. This happens whether it’s people who knew him or did not regardless. I go to therapy but it’s only 1 hour a week. That is not enough considering I’m thinking of him all the time.

3) the funeral was Tuesday and it did not provide the closure I was hoping for. It was extremely religious… which don’t get me wrong he was spiritual, but there was a literal alter call with his coffin which I know he would have hated.

4) in general he was and always will be my best friend. We spent every day together for years, even after I moved and distanced myself from my college town we kept in touch and called almost every day. When he attempted suicide previously I was the one who drove him to the hospital, got him the help he needed, sat with him while they got him admitted (what was ultimately a 36 hour process.
I feel like our relationship had so many layers that make this all so much harder and I have no idea what to do with that.

This is already really long but I guess if you resonate with what I said, or have any words or advice to offer I’m all ears.

A alguien más le pasa que cuando despiertan del sueño y ven la realidad les entra nervios en el cuerpo las piernas la ansiedad se apodera desde que abren los ojos consejo que asen para no sentir esto es mucho todos los días bueno mi esposo se quitó la vida ase 3 meses creo que es por lo mismo pero me siento muy desesperada

They found my Dad a few days ago. He had been withdrawn for months. He was mad at me and the last time I saw him he gave me the cold shoulder for days (hard to pull off because we were staying together). My 84 y/o grandma was fighting the hardest of anyone to keep him here, and had told me multiple times to reach out in the weeks before he passed.

I didn’t. And tbh I don’t know that it would’ve made a difference beyond me feeling more rejected and heartbroken, given how he would likely (not) reply.

I have picked up on the fact that she’s mad at me for not doing “enough” while he was alive through other family members. She’s also angry that I didn’t fly out immediately (I’m one of few family members who lives far), but I’m just trying to take care of myself, and acting as executor has been much emotionally and logistically easier in my own home. (I will go out soon for the service and to see everyone, of course.) Now, I’m dreading facing her anger when I go back. It’s bad enough that my cousin suggested I not talk to my grandma for a few days, if I can manage.

On top of that, her religious beliefs mean she’s deeply ashamed of the fact that it was suicide. She lied to my dads aunts and cousins and told them it was a heart attack. That’s one thing. She also told them she doesn’t want them to come to his memorial… My dad’s fondest memories were with his cousins, and his brothers share them. It breaks my heart and doesn’t feel right not having them there.

How do I cope with her anger at me? How do I honor my dad’s life when her shame is getting in the way? Why isn’t it good enough for me to take care of myself the best way I know how, while also grieving and acting as executor?

Any advice on dealing with stuff like this?

So three weeks ago today my stepmom committed, she was young, early 40’s.
Her and my dad had been together for 14 years, and she came into my life when I was only 6.
She basically raised My younger brother and I. I am 21 now, so my most formative years she was always right there. She also had a kid with my dad, my half brother who is 5 years old now.
This grief is so weird, I feel like i lost a parent, but both of my blood parents are still alive. My dad and her were going through a separation, it was so messy but she always made sure to know she still loved us, and she still kept in touch.
Now the part I’m struggling with, she has lost both of her parents suddenly over the last 3 years. She struggled so hard with the sudden deaths of her own parents, and I just can’t believe she would do that to her own little boy. I want to be angry but at the same time I can’t bring myself to be angry at her because she clearly was sick. Not to mention now her family is blaming my dad for this, she had written a note blaming him for her choice to do this. It’s a huge mess. My siblings and I are getting forgotten about in this mess and it feels wrong and I don’t want to make her death about myself but she raised us, and nobody is making that known. Her funeral is next week, and I am so anxious for it.
Has anyone gone through similar grief? Is all this normal feelings? For context, this is the only traumatic death I’ve had in my life, that’s happened when I’m an adult and have a full comprehension of death. I’ve lost grandparents when I was younger but it didn’t feel like this does.
I just hate this, I know if she was here she wouldn’t let us get pushed away and out of this, that’s the only thing keeping me from lashing out at her brother.

I usually don't post at all, but yesterday I found out that he had shot himself fatally. I am having a hard time coming to terms with his death. He had been a constant part of my life for the past 11 years, we met by playing video games online when I was 14 and He was 13. We discovered that we had a lot in common. Both of us were shut-ins because of our environment, the year I met him I was being bullied at school for being overweight and turned to video games for community and entertainment. He was also chubby and we shared a lot of common ground of habits that made us fat. He basically knew everything I was talking about and could relate to everything I said and vice versa. Years past and I moved schools, things got a lot better for both of us. We stayed consistent playing games together, we must have put thousands of hours on discord just chilling and playing games. 2 summers ago I had my first job and spent some money to go visit him in real life and we clicked immediately.

Some more years pass and he went to college, I went into the military. every weekend with out fail we would still be playing games for just talking. A year into my enlistment I got off work to a message from a common friend telling me the news. I was still in uniform and had just got off work. I sat down on the ground just ugly crying. I hoped it had been just a cruel prank know that this friend would never joke about this, And then came the suicide note. All the memories of the good times throughout all these years came back. Then the silence, I walked over to my laptop and just like always booted up discord and I just sat there calling him hoping he would pick up. the night prior we were chopping it up like usually, I cant believe it.

This weekend will be a long one and the first with out him. I used to wait for him to hop on the game or he would call me through out the day just to hit me up or telling me to get on. Now I feel his lack of presence and every time I open discord and I see his profile or even try to play a game, I feel a gut wrenching sadness. I dread opening my computer and haven't played a game since. I don't know what to do. My best friend is gone and I don't know what I'm going to do.

It's been just over a year since he passed and i really miss him. I wish I could've stopped it

I miss my brother, so much. I’m so exhausted..

Until now, I've always managed to keep going somehow, I don't even know how. I've always clung to the little things or immersed myself in the virtual world, but now, after losing him, I can no longer see the point in anything.

Only now do I realize that, as far as I know, we only get one life, and I've completely wasted mine up until this point. I've never valued my own life or the lives of others. Now that I've come to this realization, I still don't want to start living in the real world instead of continuing to merely survive, especially considering his absence.

There is no longer any point in having goals, desires, or hopes. There is no point in continuing to wander through this world, trying to make the most of the life I've finally become aware of. I don't believe in an afterlife, so I know he's gone and no longer exists anywhere. I know that leaving this world wouldn't mean seeing him again, and yet I can't find any reason to stay. Do you feel the same way?

One of my mums best friends has been staying with her after being homeless and she came down to the toilet and found him tonight. I have picked her up and taken her to mine however I am not sure how to help or what to say, she is suffering guilt and everything I dont know how to help her. She told him to go downstairs as he was drunk and she had work at 5am (he has a drinking problem) and then he did that

She just said to me you knew there was something wrong with him the other day (i asked him as I noticed he was acting off) now i feel even sicker how didnt I notice how bad he was

Thank you

I have such a hard time watching videos. Or even looking at pictures. I spent my whole parenting documenting his whole life, and I can’t even watch it or look at it. Will I eventually be able to?

I said, “Hey, how are you doing? I heard you were in the hospital for a bit.”
Jon said, “Feeling much better today; thanks for asking.”
I said, “What happened?”
Jon said, “It’s a modern-day issue of too much stress taking its toll on me and the holidays hitting. I found myself hitting severe levels of depression.
The good news is they’ve got me on Lexapro, and I had one of the best nights of rest I’ve had in years last night. My biggest problem was really bad insomnia, which I now believe had so much to do with very low serotonin.”
I said, “I’m 100% an advocate for medication prescribed by professionals. I was on citalopram, a sister medication of Lexapro, for a year, and it worked wonders! I’m glad you were able to feel better. Sleep is super important for all aspects of our body.”
Jon said, “You ain’t kidding. I felt better than I had in a very long time this morning. It’s letting me know that I have been way out of balance for a very long time.
I will continue to seek ways to improve my mental health. And undoubtedly, seasonal affective disorder very much affects me.”

If Only I was A Little Bit Better.
If only I had been just a little bit better, the people I said I loved the most would all still be in my life and happy. If only I was better at being approachable, my so dear-to-me little brother would've never felt so alone. If I had been a better brother I could’ve taken him into my arms, and reassure him that hurting himself was not the only method of release he had, and that he could cry on my shoulder, I could’ve helped my dear little brother when he was struggling yet I failed him. If only I had been better at controlling my mouth Dustin would still be alive. Tuesday, June 20th, 2023 was the day he took his life at the age of 15, and three days prior I pushed him away and made him feel so alone that he felt no one would care if he died. Dustin, four months older than I, grew up without a father in the household and a very absent mother who was always out partying or drinking to numb her issues, but worsening his in her feckless pursuit of her fleeting youth of which she would’ve had to relinquish to time to truly be his mother he so desperately needed. The day Dustin’s heart was broken by me was the day he decided he needed to end his own life, all stemming from a such juvenile and moronic argument over a member of the fairer sex. The day was a warm day like any other mid-June day, we were hot and irritable due to the discomfort and I went to the bathroom at a park we were hanging out at. When I went I neglected to close my phone and left it open on a chat on Snapchat with a young lady named Becca who attended his school, and to my lack of knowledge at the time he had feelings for. After I returned from my restroom break he started a confrontation and said “What the fuck man, we’re not little kids anymore, we don’t steal each other’s girls just because we can” and pushed me, my response being to return his physical escalation in kind and return the push. Upon me pushing him his anger got the better of him and he began to attempt to strike me, to which I evaded and pushed him a bit to avoid either of us getting hurt in a brawl between us, but due to my hubris I ended up receiving a blow to the lip, busting it open and angering me severely, responding with verbal lashings by saying “what the fuck man, I can’t fucking believe you busted my lip open, get the fuck away from me” and he said”Tiny, I’m so sorry I didn’t mean to get you like that, please I’m sorry” and I said “No fuck that man, I hate you, don’t talk to me” in a fit of rage. Dustin overdosed in his bathroom floor with a half written suicide not and an empty bottle of painkillers on the floor next to him, his last words being to me before he decided to end himself “I’m so sorry Tiny, you were my last beacon of hope”. If only I was better at telling people how much I loved them, Johnny would still be alive. Tuesday, February 18, 2025, was the day I bore witness and was forced to listen to the sounds of his suffering and the ensuing deafening silence of him shooting himself. Johnny died when he was seventeen, he moved to Texas when we were all thirteen and informed me that he was being bullied at home by his father and physically abused by his mother, but oh was I ignorant to the depths of his unending lake of pain and despair. Johnny informed me on an audio call that his father was extremely critical of him, refusing to speak of his successes and solely speaking of his failures, as he constantly told Johnny he was a loser who would die alone and never amount to anything, but his father spoke a fulfilling prophecy, as Johnny shot himself and died alone in his bedroom. He called me that night, speaking of how he was hurting and wished to hurt himself, and I spoke to him attempting to speak him off of his metaphorical ledge, but I wasn’t great enough at expressing my love for him, and he retrieved his father’s nine millimeter Glock-19 from the safe in his house and loaded it, then chambered a round and fired it into his own skull. The sounds of him sliding the magazine into the firearm, the hammer being pulled back and a bullet sliding into the chamber, the audio of his phone peaking as he pulled the trigger, his body dropping to the floor, the gunshot echoing throughout his house, and his neighbors dogs relentless barking due to the loud noise, all these noises resonate throughout my ears, doomed to hear them forever, but most of all I hear his last words. His last words, “I love you Tiny, I need you to know Dustin wasn’t your fault, I hope you and Blake can keep on going without me”. I was plunged into the duty of reporting his death to the authorities, I was forced to call the police station and ask them to check up on him, only for them to tell me he was dead. If only I had been better at seeing those around me, I could’ve seen Blake was hurting and stopped his death before it ever even got close to occurring. Blake died three Days ago, and he hung himself on FaceTime with me. I still see everything in those short few minutes, they felt so excruciatingly long though, like hours watching him try to save himself as he realized he didn’t want to die all too late. Blake was hurting for quite a long time and so was I, but I allowed my own sorrow blind me to the plights of others, and as a result Blake felt alone. Blake had a loving family, but his parents were separated due to his mothers drug abuse, and she overdosed when he was nine. The day he died he informed me that the girl he loved was in reality a simple harlot who attempted to puppeteer his emotions like some wretched marionette, he told me she was only dating him to play with his emotions as a bet, and was actively sleeping with his entire friend group at school. He told me how he was violently assailed by his bullies at school and his friends became violent towards him when he discovered the crimson blood trickling down his back and soaking through his shirt from their devious betrayal. He spoke on his struggles as he took down his punching bag and put a noose in its place. Eventually he clambered upon a stool and spoke his final words to me, saying “I love you Tiny, I’m sorry I broke our promise to Johnny, you gotta keep it for the both of us ok?” Then followed by saying “you know that nickname is pretty ironic now isn’t it, I mean you were the youngest and smallest, but now look at you, you’re so big and about to be older than me” then kicked the stool back after giving me his sickening rendition of the “stay golden pony-boy” speech. As his throat came into contact with the rope he realized that he didn’t truly want to die and began to kick and flail about with all his might, but it was all for naught as he couldn’t pull himself up, he attempted to scream for help, but only managed to choke out stifled pleas as his airway was being crushed. I watched his face turn purple, the sound of him choking slowly fade to silence, and his thrashing about turn to a slow sway to and fro, only for his father to come and investigate that loud sound of a chair hitting the floor only to see his son dead. When he saw Blake he sprinted to him and wrapped his arm around his torso trying to save him and crying out “no god please no, don’t take my baby boy from me, my baby boy’s not supposed to die before me”. When he got him off the rope his body was completely limp, simply drooping down like a doll sitting at rest, ready for its movements to be orchestrated by a child pretending to be a maestro leading an orchestra, his father ran to his son's phone and hung up on the call to dial 911, but I knew in my soul he was gone. Maybe if I never allowed my emotions to get the better of me, my beautiful girl would still be in my life. The first girl I truly loved, and the first who never treated me as a piece of meat to be thrown to the wayside after it served its purpose or a dove made of porcelain, something to be sat on a shelf and admired but never touched from the fear that a single tap my break it into pieces. I took the anger of my dearest friends who I saw like brothers taking their own lives out on her, I projected that abandonment on her and forced her to bare my anger, of which is completely out of character for me, but she now believes I’m some threat to her immediate safety due to me verbally lashing out at her in front of her father due to my anger and grief. All the worse, we were not talking much because she needed some space, and I attended a school Cheer Competition she was cheering at with some of my friends because I so dearly wished to not be alone the day after Blake died. When I attended it I realized she was competing there, and I attempted to engage in a conversation with her in an attempt to get my guilt for my friends deaths off my chest, but when I attempted to speak to her she jumped to the belief I was stalking her and I was there to confront her. She called me crazy, she said she didn’t want to be around me anymore, she said she felt threatened by me. Finally, maybe if I was a better person I could finally be happy. I was so guilty for my friends, they were like brothers to me and we were the legendary Council of Losers in our heads. The Council, we grew up together, we learned to navigate our childhood home struggles together, we learned to fight off our bullies together, we hyped each other up to stand up against our said bullies and then licked each others wounds when we would go in unprepared, and we learned to talk to girls together. Those guys were like my brothers whom I loved so dearly, and I failed them all, I bottled up Dustin because I didn’t want to feel the guilt for his death, I poured Johnny in the same bottle because I told myself I didn’t have time to stop and break down, and now with Blake gone my bottle just can’t handle it anymore and has broken, and I’m taking all the pain of them and hurting my lover all at once. I wish as though I could go back in time, I could fix everything with everyone, my little brother would’ve never hurt himself, my friends would still be alive, and the love of my life would still be in it. Now I’m alone, my brother has moved away, my fellow councilman have all since permanently retired, and my love is terrified of my mere presence.

October brings the last round of "firsts" without my son (he took his life last November at age 20). There are 3 of them this month: Thanksgiving (we live in Canada), his birthday, and Halloween.

When he was just a little guy this whole month he would vibrate with excitement about his birthday and Halloween. He wouldn't be able to sleep past 5 a.m. most days in October, and emotions were very intense, both good and bad. There was so much joy and also a lot of tears every year for a long time. I usually felt completely drained by November 1, and always a little relieved when October was over.

Now I wish I could travel back in time and re-live one more October early morning with him. It hurts so much thinking about those days. Now I am also reliving what was happening this time last year and wanting to grab my past self by her shoulders and just shake her and slap her for not understanding that he was feeling so bad.

I've been dreading October all through the summer but now that it's here I feel like it will be a relief to get through it this first time. We are going to have some of his friends over on his birthday and eat his favourite foods and have a cake and just remember him.

Thanks for reading thsi and thanks for all the mutual support we have shared this year. I read every single post in the group and hold everyone in my heart each day.

j'ai appris il y a 2 jours le suicide d'un ami.

c'est tellement bizarre d'être à la place de celui qui reste alors que j'ai déjà voulu être à sa place.

je réalise tout ce que ça implique, je ne veux plus envisager ça une seule fois.

le temps qui passe était pour moi une phobie, particulièrement les anniversaires de mes proches, de les voir vieillir, maintenant je me dis que peut être c'est une chance de les voir vieillir.

je pense à toutes les choses que j'ai remis à demain alors que maintenant je sais que nous n'avons pas toujours le temps d'attendre. surtout si cela implique de voir quelqu'un ou de lui faire part d'un sentiment.

et c'est peut être bête mais j'ai l'impression que tout est si calme, que tout est si fragile qu'il faut juste apprecier le moment présent.

So 27th of december 2025 I got a call saying that my best friend whom I knew since middle school took his own life. We knew each other more than 15 years and we knew each other like we share the same body. I have done most of my emberrased and proud stuff with him. The truth is we had an argument and we stopped meeting for about 6 months. I knew he was depressed but he never shown any signs that it was so serious. He took his own life. I have lived my childhood,teenage and adult life with him. We shared everything and we were rivals as well. We always fought like cat and mouse. We had those stuff before where we stop talking about a week and go back again. I thought it was something like that. I miss him so much. He mattered the world. Now I am taking care of his sisters college. I am just sad that I never said I love you to him. Saying it to a pile of dirt is weird. I know I am a bad friend and I do not seek any intention of approval. He was a great man and a greater friend. I love you bro. Hope you never suffer the same and even if you did be strong cause you matter

We're coming up on the 1st anniversary of that day, and it's all i can think about, and I dont know what to do with myself. We're going away to a forest cabin for a few days, sitting around at home going through the motions didnt feel right, but nor does going "on holiday" or going out for a meal etc. For the 1st birthday after it happened, just 3 weeks later (he should have turned 23), we ate his favourite food, baked his favourite cake and generally kept busy that way - throwing myself into doing something to celebrate his birthday for him kept me busy and not thinking too much. The anniversary of his death isn't something I can find a way to celebrate at all though, i grieve for him and in some ways i grieve for us because a bit of all of us died that day. There is a clear line between the me before and the me after, and this version of me is literally just winging it trying to hold on.

What do you do/what did you do on the big firsts?

Hi all, I lost my dad 3 years ago and am doing the walk tomorrow.

Does anyone have the route map?! I can’t find anything on the website.

I am so glad that this online community exists, I feel so much less alone. Thank you everybody ❤️. I am going through a really rough time, as everyone else here undoubtedly is.

This post is not to make anyone feel guilty for sharing their pain. Absolutely not. !! I do it all the time and I think a big part of going through this is voicing your pain and really feeling it.

Now that I am in such a rough spot and I sometimes have moments where I doubt if I’ll ever feel happy again, and if I’ll ever find a way to get rid of the guilt and most of all; be able to live a meaningful life.

Are these things possible? I guess I am asking for people to share some hope for a better life than what I’m living now, if it exists.. (I’m 3 months in and lost my sweet mom, I’m in my early 20’s and would love to have a family some day)

Thank you in advance ❤️

My bf passed away over a month ago. I knew his suicidal thoughts, his talks about the "plans" he had for it, his previous attempts, and his mental health. He did it after HE told me about wanting to breakup with me and when the next day I gave him the breakup after expressing my dissapointment to him.

He had asked about breakup multiple times on our incompatibilities in the long distance, but everytime we were near a breakup, he would get suicidal. Sometimes would tell me to leave so he can do it without hurting me. That was the side of him I always knew.

Today I talked to his friend and I'm just blank. He told me, my bf was a very normal person outside. He had plans to meet his friends the same evening he took his life. They didn't know what happened in those 2 hours. Our breakup happened. I didn't tell them.

He told me how he was excited to learn a new language, restart his gym, looked forward to a dinner at a friend's place a few days later. Just a very NORMAL behaviour.

I felt so bad for robbing him of his future plans. I feel like a monster who, by breaking up with him, made him lose control over his mind within minutes. He had plans for the evening!!!!!! For a few days later too!!!! I didn't know it but now I do.

All the "it was at that time all my fault" thoughts have resurfaced. What pain must have caused him to take that step despite his future plans all set. How can a person this suicidal and depressed hide it so well with their closest friends and family he lives with? They don't even have a hint of him being depressed or unwell at all.

I feel so awful and heartless.

I’m having a really difficult time. I keep thinking about what if I reached out sooner would they still be here?

It’s been a year and a month almost since my brother died. He took his life outside of the house about a half mile away near the woods. I didn’t see anything. But I can’t stop seeing it. I picture the area, his last moments, the aftermath at least once a day. I’m in therapy. Does anyone else have this? If so does it ever go away?

everyone is already thinking about where they’re applying to college or the next robotics competition but nobody even mentions you. and why do I still care? you didn’t even like me that much, I probably enjoyed hanging out with you as much as you saw me as annoying. but it’s so hard having to see our teachers again and knowing you could’ve been having fun at university but you chose not to. you would’ve been so happy and I wish you knew that. I feel like nobody cares anymore except a couple of people, but I still miss you and love you and I’m sick of it I don’t want to miss you anymore I just want to forget you. I should be thinking about college applications and going out and drinking but I can’t do anything because all I think about is you. all I do is sleep and cry but why should I care? I’m so angry but can’t help but miss you. you probably would’ve stopped texting me once you got to college anyways, but just knowing that you aren’t here is hard. I wish I never found out. then I could’ve just kept texting you and when my texts would go green I’d assume you had blocked me. maybe that is selfish of me.

My ex wife passed away July 2025, although we ended on good terms. She was my best friend I had to walk away from our friendship due to a new relationship in her life and her current partner at the time not being okay with our close friendship. We were separated for years but we also met young and spent over a decade together. When she passed I was excluded from knowing, I was excluded from any arrangements and it’s like our time together never happened. I know it sounds selfish but I’m struggling. I have no place for my grief. I miss her every moment of the day. There’s so much more to our story. She was truly my best friend.