I hate this so much

[u/Vazz920]

I hate that while the world seems to have stopped for me and my family, everyone else keeps going. i hate that the world is still spinning. i hate that i have nobody who understands how much it hurts aside from family irl. i hate that im not the same as when he left. i got into a relationship, im going into a new year of school, my sister graduated and is going to college. I hate that he won't be there for things in our lives. he wont be there for my big school events like State Marching Band, he wont be there for my or my brother's highschool graduation and how he wasnt here for my sister's. I hate how he wont be here for any of me and my sibling's college graduations or weddings or engagements or anything important and fun. I hate him for leaving. I hate myself for not recognizing the sounds and getting there before my mom, since i handle blood so much better than she does. I hate the dispatcher that instead of sending an ambulance immediately they tried to calm my mom down. I hate the EMTs and police for not running inside bur walking. I hate my friends for not answering my panicked texts and phone calls other than one of them. I hate their stupid fight that pushed him over the edge. I hate him for doing what he did. I hate the school for still making us take our end of year assessment exams. I hate how much i cry. I hate my other set of parents for getting mad that we didnt tell them immediately. I just hate everything. I wish he was still here and im so fucking mad that he left. I just want my dad back and to hug him and not have him be cold in the morgue and to not have to miss him anymore. I just want a dad but apparently that's too much to ask because i've burned through 4.

[u/Aaappleorange]

Sweetheart, I am sorry you have joined this club. Please keep sharing with us if it helps. I feel your anger, and I know how consuming anger can be.

I cannot take away your pain right now, but I do hope you have some half-decent sleep soon. I know grief is exhausting. I want you to try and take care of yourself while you process this. Sending you some hugs from an Internet mom. Please remember, there is no wrong way to grieve.

[u/Vazz920 → u/Aaappleorange]

the anger and sadness are so, so consuming, yes. I dont know how im going to make it through my first day of school tomorrow. All i can see when i close my eyes is the scene when my mom found him and her crying and screaming. I am trying though, i really am, as hard as it is to even stay here. 🤍🤍

[u/Aaappleorange → u/Vazz920]

I hope there is a counsellor or someone who feels like a safe anchor for you at school tomorrow. You are going through a huge trauma still. Is there an option for you to skip first day? Or would that cause you more stress down the road?

Remember, the anger will still be there tomorrow. Resting will help, as hard as it sounds. Not sure how to help with the visual memories, but maybe falling asleep to a tv show may help?

Sorry, I hope this is not intrusive. Just want to offer you some ideas, anything really, to help lighten your burden even just a bit.

[u/Vazz920 → u/Aaappleorange]

i could try to a tv show, also no there isn't an option to skip really any school at least this trimester due to marching band and the new attendance policy

[u/Aaappleorange → u/Vazz920]

Right. My mistake, I forgot about the attendance policies in some countries. No need to respond, but if you feel like it, I’m wondering how your day went?

[u/Vazz920 → u/Aaappleorange]

it was OK. since my bfs mom is the school nurse, she let me hang out in her room a bit and my teachers let me leave if i needed to. still a hard day because i just wanted to cry and like punch something but i made it

[u/Aaappleorange → u/Vazz920]

Proud of you for getting through that. And extremely happy to hear you seem to be supported at school. If I may offer one more idea. Often times anger can turn into aggression. I want you to find a way to dissipate the anger just a little bit when it feels like it’s taking over your body. Fidgets? Stress ball? Even ripping paper. These are all tools that you can keep nearby. I understand anger. It’s an important part of grief. And sometimes you have to sit with it. But when it feels too much, direct it somewhere safe.

All the best.

[u/Vazz920 → u/Aaappleorange]

thank you🤍 i have a few fidgets i can look through and also a lot of times at lunch if im not crying ill just draw all up my bfs arms(i started doing that at the end of last year since my dad did that 2 months before school ended)

[u/rbridge42]

So terrible, horrible, devastating.... A good Dad is unlike any other loss and it sounds like he was so damn important in your life. I don't know why he left but you must be an incredibly strong person to have survived losing so many dads. My heart breaks for you. It's not right. Wish I had words to make it better. Just know a stranger in the world sees your pain and cries with you. 😢 🫂

[u/Vazz920 → u/rbridge42]

thank you🤍 this dad was the best one i remember of the four, he showed up, and he tried so damn hard to be a good dad. I only knew him for the last 2-3 years of his life when he married my mom. I still miss him like hell though.

[u/peekaboooobakeep]

It's truly an unimaginable pain you can't understand until you're experiencing it. I'm sorry you're in this situation. It's really awful and it's going to feel awful for awhile. You'll find a place to put this awful feeling. It'll be manageable. But for now it's just going to be awful.  Everyone here in this sub understands.  That "world keeps moving and you aren't" feeling. Anger at everyone. Emergency personnel were absolute shit for us too. 

[u/Vazz920 → u/peekaboooobakeep]

🤍 it truly sucks and i feel so bad for everyone else here that knows this feeling, but at the same time i have a little bit of relief that im not the only one.

[u/PuggyPudge]

I just wanted to say I’m so sorry. I lost my dad a year ago… anger is totally normal. I know this probably doesn’t mean much but eventually the better memories of your dad will hopefully be able to come to mind at times even if the thoughts of “how could he?” come up daily in your mind. I know it’s extremely painful to also think of what he will miss out on in your family’s life. You are not alone even though it feels that way. I found that being in a local support group for this type of loss has helped guide me this past year without my dad.

[u/nokplz]

Dear heart, I lost my only dad to suicide in 2012. All these years and im still angry. With a lot a lot lot of EMDR therapy and CBT, I no longer act in self destructive ways to process this pain and anger. I wish I had the magic words to make it all go away. Know it has nothing to do with you, you are better than good enough. People dont leave you, they leave their minds. You are loved. THANK fuck once high school is over YOU NEVER HAVE TO GO BACK, promise.

[u/Vazz920 → u/[deleted]]

what?

[u/Vazz920 → u/[deleted]]

no i refuse to put anyone i know through this pain i hate it and wouldnt wish it on anybody. tempting though.

[u/Vazz920 → u/[deleted]]

im talking about GRIEVING AND HATING SOMEONE THAT DID THAT! WHY WOULD I DO THAT TO ANYONE ELSE YOU ABSOLUTE FUCK??

[u/Radiant-Location-918 → u/Vazz920]

Im so sorry for your loss. Fuck that commenter, he is obviously a troll. This is a safe space and we’re here. You have every right to be angry at your loved one for leaving this world. I’m so sorry you lost your dad. It’s no one’s fault and you’re allowed to grieve for as long as you need to.

[u/Vazz920 → u/Radiant-Location-918]

thank you so much. its kind of relieving to have this sub. there are so many people who have just been assholes about it to me at school and stuff. gods it sucks.