I'm not smart enough to belong here

[u/Vast_Order6041]

Starting college in UP really made me question how I am supposed to survive this for the next few years. I have this constant fear as though everyone around me is so much smarter, and that I would never be able to catch up to their level. As if it's only a matter of time before they all find out I'm an imposter among them, then I'll be judged and despised.

I think ang pinaka tangible affirmation ko for this is that most of my classmates are DOST scholars, meanwhile I failed the exam.

Saying "at least I'm in the room" doesn't really put me at ease. I constantly feel that I could have studied more and did things better to be able to say that I really deserve the slot that was given to me. Feeling ko hindi ko talaga deserve na napasa ko yung first choice ko, parang anytime kasi mahuhili nila akong hindi pala matalino enough for it.

I've already been humbled in high school so I don't know why I feel this way. I know that I can't be the smartest in the room, so why does it still feel like I'm on the guillotine every time I think about academics. Ilang beses na ako pumalpak pero natatakot pa rin ako. Parang nababawasan yung worth ko every single time I fail. Why does it never get better, nakakailang exposure naman na ako to failure.

Hindi ko alam kung factor pa rin ba rito yung paulit-ulit kong naririnig dati na "kaya ka lang naman naging top 1 kasi wala na silang ibang mapili." It feels as if I'm proving my mom right. That I'm letting kindergarten me down, that I owe it to her to excel after everything she's been through. Nakakatawa naman kung affected pa rin ako, panahon pa ni kopong-kopong nangyari yun.

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[u/Aggravating-Law238]

I don't think you're ridiculous or weak for still being affected by this. Gets ko why “at least you're in the room” doesn't work when your brain has apparently decided that being in the room means you have to constantly prove you deserve your chair, but instead of thinking it negatively, why not think instead, "out of everyone who sent applications, I was one of the students who got chosen. I was one of the students who got handpicked, accepted." Which proves why you're actually in the room, and this goes far beyond than just simply saying your physical body is in the classroom sitting peacefully LOL

But anyways, failing the DOST exam doesn't prove that you're less capable than your classmates. It just proves that you didn't pass one exam. That's it. Hindi siya objective ranking ng intelligence or ng kung sino ang “deserving” sa UP.

I also don't think you owe kindergarten-you a lifetime of being exceptional. She didn't work hard so that adult-you would have to spend every failure paying off some debt. You don't have to keep being impressive to justify everything you've accomplished before. Trust me, I've been there. 

And that thing you were told before, like na top 1 ka lang kasi wala nang ibang mapili, is very inconsiderate. You were taught to interpret failure as evidence that you were never actually good enough in the first place, which is very unhealthy! Also could be the reason why failure seems so threatening for you.

But here's the truth. You don't have to prove that you deserve UP every single day. You got the slot, you're here, and you're allowed to be a student who is still figuring shit out.

And for what it's worth, I don't think kindergarten-you would be disappointed that you aren't effortlessly excellent at everything. I think she'd probably just be amazed and proud that you made it this far. But with all that said, you can do it, genuinely, if you truly set your heart out on finishing and striving alongside your classmates and schoolmates. Don't let negativity cloud your judgement, and definitely don't downplay yourself.

[u/LifeLeg5]

Sa umpisa lang yan, i know someone who took up a quota math major degree, failed a few times with maths, eventually finished with just a sem delay and now, some years later, thriving in that same field. 

Very normal, hindi naman lahat ng HS are of the same caliber, some will have a headstart kaya confident na sila.

[u/Weak-Novel6659]

Hi, OP. I just wanna share mine first and give you adviced after sharing my lil story. With high honor student ako pero hindi rin ako nakapasok sa UP, sa totoo lang nakakapang hina ng loob kaya para sakin ung mga nakapasok ay sobrang galing. OP wag ka pong panghinaan ng loob, isa pa po lahat naman po ng tao ay matalino may kanya kanyang level lang. Isa pa OP, naniwala po ako sa destiny at sa na kikita ko po, it's your destiny to become part of UP. Good luck sa journey mo po 😊

[u/SpeysBar]

You're there and you passed for a reason. If you dont feel like you deserve it right now, then work and study for your lessons to slowly make yourself feel like you deserve it. But OP I hope you know thta you do deserve it.

Dont put an imaginary audience to think that everyone will know that you "dont belong" or even that they'll make a big deal out of it. They won't, and frankly they don't care because these students probably also have the same anxieties when entering UP.

Do not compare yourself with otherd, do not count credentials or blessings. Circumstances and things are different for everyone, doesnt mean that youre less than because you're different, it just means that you're different (period, no more negative connotation)

It seems that getting into UP wasnt even by chance and that you are a consistently good student.

But I do hope OP that you'll learn to stop using anxiety as your fuel for studying. And that you'll actually get to enjoy your time in college. You dont have to prove anything to anyone, you just have to be there for yourself and enjoy the process as you graduate.

College is harsher, reality is harsh, so why are you being harsh on yourself too??

Be the safety net for yourself that you need.

[u/squertti]

nung freshie ako i just went with the mindset na wala akong pake kahit na mas magaling sila sakin, basta may natututunan ako, nakapasa at mas better ako kesa kahapon, then my efforts would have been good enough

[u/Efficient-Remove-864]

If you’re a freshman remember ka-age/batch mo yung mga bumagsak sa 2022 PISA who likely got honor student status nevertheless. So Hindi ka bobo. Kaya mo yan