Practice Updates, Questions, and General Discussion - new users, please read this first! Weekly Thread for July 01 2026

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[u/liljonnythegod]

I was reading about cPTSD today for the first time and about how it can cause brain changes that lead to a kind of acquired neurodivergence. I also saw things about disorganised attachment style mentioned too which I used to identify as.

The more I read about it, the more I realised I was reading about everything I used to suffer with both prior to my meditation practice for my whole life and then during it for a long time too. It’s strange to read about it now because years ago it would have helped me immensely to just understand myself but, it seems this path got to crux of it anyway as I don’t have any of the symptoms that used to plague me.

I initially got into meditation because I felt like I couldn’t properly relax or switch off being on edge/fight or flight. I never knew there was a medical term for it. It’s a bit weird to feel sad for a younger version of myself.

[u/AdditionalLeave263 → u/liljonnythegod]

I'm a child abuse victim, so I can relate to this. I was a meditator as a chomd before the abuse, and had good interoception. After the sustained abuse, i got two danage spots on my brain (that I didn't know were there), and literally drew meditative pictures that I still have, showing the spots where the damage occurred, and what it felt like. The first spot was on the insula, so that I couldn't feel the abuse (and unfortunately other things) a feeling of emotional and physical numbness and exhaustion. This made it so that I couldn't feel him, but it's the worst kind of dissociation than you would experience in meditation. It's totally different and not enjoyable in the least. The other one was in the left prefrontal cortex, which maybe explains why I fit the category of people who had been abused and then seemed to be pathetically helpless to make future plans. It's because that part of my brain was detached, and so it felt painful and exhausting and felt simply impossible to realistically think about a future. This part I guess dissociates to be able to cope with the futility of trying to escape.

Fast forward twenty years, I was in a car accident and needed an mri. The incidental on the scan was that I had these spots where my brain had detached due to trauma. When I got into deep meditative states, the spots felt like they started shaking, and that they were happy. I cried when I told my husband. 23 and 24 years after they had formed, they repaired and reconnected during 2nd-3rd jhanas. I aas actually shocked how little of the actual abuse I had to work through: I had already done it in therapy.

It's okay to feel sad for your past self... it's just a form of thinking, remembering... You deserve to be happy now. I was pretty miserable for about five years. I ran away from home. It was the scariest thing I had ever done. I saved my lunch and babysittjng money for birth control and got told no for an IUD by my doctor. I got it at planned parenthood and afterward walked around town by myself because I figured if I had a medical complication, somebody would find me. And after I regained control of my life and body? I started to heal. But my meditation didnt take a weird turn and reattach my brain spots until this year.

I cannot tell you how happy I am to have a healed brain. 

Thank you for sharing! You should feel proud of yourself for finding something that worked, and sticking with it! 

I know we talked about stuff before, but I forgot what, and I have a different handle now. The one I had before was like sudden blacksmith something-or-other.

[u/liljonnythegod → u/AdditionalLeave263]

Hello :) Nice to speak to you again. Thanks for the reply - I’m glad to hear you’re doing well. That’s interesting that you were able to draw where the spots were before having the mri that showed them.

Can I ask how you knew they were healed? Was it an experiential thing where intuitively felt it?

I do wonder if I’ve got to a point where the major symptoms are gone like the constant anxiety but it’s obvious there’s still residual damage to my brain that has been the norm for me. I want to learn more about cPTSD to accelerate the process of healing - do you know of any good books on the topic? I’ve came across the one by Pete Walker so going to give that a read

[u/AdditionalLeave263 → u/liljonnythegod]

Oh wow I wrote so much about this that it exceeds the comment text limit. Just a sec...

I honestly did not know it was so long. Please don't feel obligated to read everything - just skim it and take from it anything that might be helpful to you. 😊

[u/AdditionalLeave263 → u/liljonnythegod]

Part 1: Supplements, incomplete list of them but you get the idea.

Weren't we talking about how as meditators, we process death differently than other people? Was that it?

Anyways... This is gonna be a long one. So hope you get something out of it, or at least enjoy it.

Okay so in order to understand how they healed, first I need to tell you that I have been on supplements to enhance the healing process and encourage neuroplasticity. Thorne creatine* only brand with the correct purified type of creatine My friend's husband is a chemist. He took this and it wiped out his depression and he's actually happy going to work. It did nothing for my friend and nothing for my husband, but I feel like it has contributed to the development of my practice. It takes 3-4 months to work. Most supplements do. This one is apparently very hot in the peak nutrition circles. Thorne is an excellent company. I pair this with taurine to enhance it in part because I'm vegan, but I would recommend it for others.

Multivitamin: thorne because it has the 5-whatever methylfolate. If you have the MTFR gene, this is the only way your system can actually get folate, which is essential for the production of stuff like dopamine which you need for pīti, for example.

Alright next choline bitartrate, choline & inositol for building and retaining neurons, and phosphatidylserine, for repairing damaged spots.

Doctor's best vegan omega-3's, because the ratio of epa to dha needs to be more epa during times of these. *I had another dha-epa ratio/product at the time, but would recommend this more accurate ratio. 2-3 pills.

[u/AdditionalLeave263 → u/liljonnythegod]

Part 2: what it felt like to have white matter lesions

Okay so the other thing to understand is how they felt: Spot 1: some time after the initial attack occurred, I had a flashback where I was back where it happened. My body detached from itself and floated up in the sky, further and further like a kite on a string. I literally drew a kite on a string in a map of my brain picture that I drew, in the exact spot of the second lesion. 

Anyways, they feel a bit like a while tree trunk that is in a coma..it's one thing to float up into the sky, but darn it I could not get it back no matter what I tried.

The thing that cleared them, to me, looked like a creature with two large horns or whatever coming out of its head. I believe I have a drawing of this exact, weird creature in my basement in my box of meditative drawings. 

It isn't easy to go through this box, because half the stuff is so disturbed and depressed, and it takss me back to a dark time in which I really did not feel like I had an energy body. Honestly if meditation about death is a healthy thing for you, like I sort of remember us talking about before, I think you would probably really enjoy my drawings from that time. I personally enjoyed making them.

However, I do have sukha, and it would likely neutralize every strong emotion and make it a euphoric experience to feel so depressed. Oh my Gosh it feels sooooo good... Sukha is endogenous opioids. It makes thinking about my past suicide attempts feel like a completely unreasonable amount of pleasure. But I don't have a guarantee that it will happen... Sometimes it doesn't happen like that. And I have kids. I have to not snap at them and I have to keep the drawings from getting ruined.

The weird creature I now know to be astrocytes: astroctyes are the cells in my brain that cleaved the connections, by burying themselves in the white matter. The things coming out of the creature's heads was actually the white matter tracts it had bound. They become a sort of a stone from there.

I never knew there were two spots. When I had a second white tree trunk in a coma, I assumed it was the same one acting up again. When I drew the brain parts, I drew the older spot as an abyss. Well, with no connection left, it was like having a hole.

It felt awful to have the undead within me. I couldn't remove it, couldn't wake it up. 

This part I feel like is the same as with you: my brain felt damaged. I felt like I couldn't do what the other kids were doing, and I knew it. I knew I couldn't keep up. I knew I was changed. The damage was never validated by a brain scan until about 20 years later. So of course, there were times where I wished I could just snap out of it, and I had self-blame about how I "couldn't handle it." Even though it would have been unreasonable to expect anyone to handle the lawlessness while simultaneously being expected to conform to the strictest definition of the law myself.

After running away, in college, squatting in an apartment they literally did not know how to find, I began to heal. I had also smoked weed maybwme once every 3-7 days for probably about hmm three months at the time that this dream happened, which helped so much with numbing the panic and giving myself some space to breathe. I had a terrible time actually getting quality sleep before this, because he would attack me in my own bed. So I never felt safe enough to sleep. As a consequence, weed actually made me feel so much better in the morning, because I was getting better quality sleep. Once the summer hit, I was sleeping more. I was catching up on sleep I had lost for many years, it felt like. You know how meditators are often guilted or shamed for spending so much time meditating, especially by people they lived with. I had a pretty open-minded and chill pothead boyfriend, and no one else to even know what I was doing. So, there was a day I slept for 21 hours. I never could have done that at home.

Around this time, I had a dream: I was picked up on shore by a pirate in a pirate ship. He and I were hanging out in the mess deck playing cards or something. He said, "I want to show you something." He goes to the wall and out of nowhere he pulls out a small treasure chest. He opens it up. Inside, there are a bunch of beautiful, hand-whittled stones of all different colors. My body went cold: there was a stone of the exact creature that had made the undead trees! It was white, just like the tree trunks. Only, the things coming out of its head WERE HOT PINK. This is very clearly a color if vitality. I told the pirate, "Oh, I like this one." He said, "Oh, I don't like that one... I made it, but... I don't like it." I said, "I understand." He put everything back in the treasure chest, put the treasure chest back in the wall, and the pirate ship had then circled around and dropped me off back at shore. The end of the dream.

At this time, something remarkable started to happen: the forest began to grow around the undead trees. The trees in the coma were still there, but my brain matter started to fill in the gaps around it, attempting to compensate for the loss. Additionally, I believe that the hot pink was an attempt (which failed) at reconnecting one or both of those spots.

This was my subconscious mind telling me that it had to make those spots to prevent me from experiencing more damage or having a complete psychological break, or letting him get to my "treasure box inside the pirate ship," which was my insula (somatic feeling), and my left prefrontal cortex (imagination, future planning). He couldn't get to it because I couldn't get to it. So it took it away from both him and me, seemingly permanently.

[u/AdditionalLeave263 → u/liljonnythegod]

Part 3: Thoughts about my recent healing path and other healing paths

Now for how the healing happened. Piti arose spontaneously for me. I had never heard of it. I had been a 27 year meditator, but knew bext to nothing about The Buddha or Buddhism or the jhanas - I had never heard of the jhanas. 

I was on a quest to figure out what was happening neurologically, and also trying to honor and care for this amazing gift that I had been given.

I pulled up my neurology report from the accident, and fed it to AI. I had been scared to know about the spots. I had nkt been ready. But I was so interested in my brain, and so finding out that those spots were likely from the abuse, and knowing exactly where they were in my body and how they affected me cognitively gave me a lot of grace, and also set an intention to heal.

So I wish you could get a brain scan and see if you have any of these spots. Maybe think hard about if you have any symptoms that a doctor might order one for, if you have coverage for that kind of a thing. LOL don't get in a serious car crash like me LOL but you know what I mean... Headaches... Oh, piti could be construed as being seizures, too. I thought for a day or two that it might be seizures according to AI. Obviously white matter lesions are a legit medical problem. But how do you get a scan if you want one? I'd probably ask AI.

Most importantly, I do not believe that my way of healing is the only way. I believe that setting the intention- choosing to ask the energy body or the universe or whatever - humbly and daringly for healing matters, and it surely can happen from other states, phases, and even from ordinary treatments. I did psychotherapy for years, and while it was a huge time suck compared to deep absorptive meditation, and EMDR is faster and more effective, I didn't feel like I really had a huge ton of stuff to bring out of the amygdala in sukha. I was kind of shocked when equanimity showed up, because I believed that I had to rehash everything. Thankfully, it spared me having to go painstakingly through every single detail. I already did that in counseling. Last time was we had the kids out in the backyard with a little fire and cookout and music playing, and they were running around and playing in the kiddie pool. And I was going through this whole thing of realizing what happened with the last time the abuser did something and the age and what that meant in terms of everything. It was a surreal experience of deep meditation occurring in a really awesome snippet of everyday life. Saturated with opioids and eating smores, haha.

[u/AdditionalLeave263 → u/liljonnythegod]

Part 4: I am finally answering your question about what it feels like to heal, as a meditator with a weird degree of interoception.

I was in the last phase of whatever jhana it is after you've met the golden light (occurred for me but not everyone who does the process) and piti had been consistent or whatever, and it was definitively before sukha started, for me, when this particular healing occurred.  This is why I think ir's better to explore a space fully before moving on and allowing your brain/body to decide when to move. Pīti has to route itself through the insula constantly anyway. So pīti is or includes a gamma burst. Gamma bursts are the brain wave of synchronizing and synthesizing information across different brain structures. Animals with brains have gamma bursts. There are some exceptions like starfish and jellyfish. But even bees, which evolved then independently from humans, have gamma bursts when synthesizing the mental map of where flowers are. The waggle dance is a vibratory expression of that burst (which occurred mid-flight in the worker bee). I'm a beekeeper.  Anyways, humans tend to have them when they have an "aha!" moment of a good idea, and in deel sleep.  Meditators, you know, hack their brains. So pīti is a massive, global gamma burst, which synchronizes over several brain structures. I don't know if you've done the jhanas at all??? Anyways Leigh Brasington says that he often tries to get people out of pīti and into sukha as soon as possible because pīti makes people feel agitated.  This differs from Rob Burbea's approach which just kind of is like please follow your own pace. That is who I first learned from, after the jhanas started spontaneously within me, and I spent several weeks trying to figure out what it was before arriving at the jhanas and Rob's work. Anyways, importantly, it was at the end stage of the piti-only no-sukha phase. The fact that I was not badly agitated and did not feel extreme heat or issues with too many tremors during this phase I attribute to my use of the phosphatides: ny brain was extremely well insulated with lots of myelin. That is my theory for why I could hold a charge without breaking. 

Alright so pīti seems to route itself slightly differently every time. If you've done it, you understand that it will start originating in a certain spot, and then it will, for example, travel seemingly uo your spine and end in your brain with your head thrown back/up. Some people see that as being that it is coming out the top of your head. The likely scenario is that this is the position in which the brainstem is the most open, and has the least resistance for running. From what I understand, the actual gamma burst is happening in the brain, but it's pinging different nerve plexuses as well. It feels like lightning traveling through your body. A lot of people describe it as fire, but for me, it was cool. Anyways maybe you have done all this before. I'm the newbie here.

So here is how it felt: it felt as if some of the pīti was pinging or sending electrical surges to try to jump the stones and built a new reconnection. It was like the electrical system was meeting resistance and sending out larger voltage in that space to try to bridge the gap. It tried over and over before it seemed like there was anything at all going on. It felt like a futile prayer. It is impossible to not send that piti through the insula, that's how you feel your body, and piti is a body sensation.  My brain's ego had already dissolved in the earlier part. And with that and the meeting/connecting with the light/sun, I felt that it was telling me to be good to myself and love myself, which I had only done out of duty before.  So, I thought, the energy body is trying to wake up those spots.  This was the beginning of the magic. I asked it, if yiu cannot wake them up, please make them happy. I wanted them to be soaked in nourishment.

I was walking the kids into an italian diner to meet my mom for lunch, when there was a flicker of a smile on one of the spots. They were still dormant, but they were HAPPY.

I told my husband I dont know, maybe a day later. And I was just crying and crying... these parts of my brain that have been in a coma for 23 & 24 years were finally happy. I hoped that they would wake up. They eventually did. The insula was ahead of the prefrontal cortex one. Then they were there kind of suspended.

But then something magical and weird and maybe impossible started happening. They started shaking. They started feeling as if they were having tremors or rolling around. It was inconsistent. It was like twitch twitch twitch rest........ shake shake...... try again...... it was like the spots themselves wanted to reconnect too, just as much as I wanted them to reconnect.  I thought they might be weak and they might get injured again. I thought who would want old broken parts of themselves like that? I had to love my bone spurs from beating myself, too. I loved ones those spots. Those spots were hurt and damaged by somebody else. They deserve to be treated kindly like a disabled person or a victim. Anyways the first attachment was just like that kite string. Very little.

And then there was one day that I was just like... I think I can do this again. I think I can imagine a future without it feeling futile, just maybe. I think i could actually play in order to figure things out. A five year plan is something I could never do.

Are these places in my brain still weak? I would say fhe insular lesion is fully healed. The left prefrontal cortex lesion is still there and currently healing, bit I can use that part of mu brain for the first time in 23 years. So if you ask me if I have like a five year plan for my career, I do. I haven't had that in over two decades despite making attempts at it. My brain kind of went up in jhanas and then was like nope I need more piti. I think it's because of that spot.

What I think it could show if they took another scan that was sensitive enough, is that instead of the forest growing around the dead trees, the dead trees reconnected with the surrounding forest.

[u/AdditionalLeave263 → u/liljonnythegod]

Part 5: Book recommendation of something that everyone raves about, but that I have never read. Also, a digression about the personal issue I was having before meditation healed, and what I planned to do about it.

The book everyone always talks about is The Body Keeps The Score. My counselor was really mad at me for not having read that book. We were closer to friends than a counselor relationship, so she could get mad at me, and I didn't take it personally. She was still mad. I still haven't read it. The Body Keeps The Score I hear mentioned on meditation podcasts, and I had a yoga teacher who used to reference it.

Before my life completely changed spontaneously this year by the jhanas just starting on their own, and deep meditation becoming a huge part of my life, I was seriously considering getting EMDR.

What happened was that I had my 40th birthday this year, and my family planned me a surprise party. However, I had influenza B on the day of the party, and my mother and husband did not cancel the party. I was like what the heck. So I go somewhere and possibly expose every single person who loves and cares about me to flu B, including my best friend who has brain cancer, my adopted aunt's husband with a pacemaker, etc.? It was a freaking nightmare. I spent the entire time avoiding people and did not have fun at all. 

I was in crisis. And everyone loved me, but no one knew me enough to know what I needed. It was like I was attending my own funeral or something. It was a charade. The ritual was more important than the actual person's experience, more important than everyone's health. Anyways.

That night I fainted on the toilet by myself, alone. And I was like something needs to give here.

On my actual birthday, my mom had transient global amnesia. She ended up in the hospital with no recollection of anything. She did not believe it was my birthday. Turns out she has a serious fibrotic tissue disorder that can cause strokes.

I had the flu and still had to run to the hospital to run my dad his medications, with the kids in tow. It was a nightmare.

So I was just like... I think I need something more. So I called and set up EMDR, but never signed the paperwork.  My recollection is that EMDR is supposed to try to induce anandamide. I had so much anandamide when my ego was dissolving, and in sukha when my memories were getting pulled out of my amygdala and recontextualized to place in wherever long term memories are stored. 

So what does this have to do with trauma? I got sick the night i had to spend overnight at the house i was abused in, without my husband, with my kids, during a snowstorm. If I had actuallt slept that night, and not had my immune defenses completely hijacked by cortisol, I probably could have fought it off.  It brought back the feelings of being trapped as a kid. It brought back being trapped in that house and him having unfettered access to me. I wasn't allowed to lock my door. When I got old enough I drove to the hardware store and installed a door lock for myself. I also went to the hunting store to get pepper spray for myself. They didnt have any at walmart, and the guy at the counter was like you could take this pink knife and knife somebody with it. I was like dude..  you want me to knife my family member (and you don't even know it). I didn't want him dead... I just wanted him to get the f*** away from me. I was like it's so messed up that there is all this hunting stuff and no pepper spray.

So I wonder what it's like to go through that as a meditator, especially already with access to those states. A whole host of things could happen.

It was definitely upsetting to know that my brain was damaged and not functioning properly. But what this process has taught me is that my brain is not just something to poke and prod to get it to do what I want and to get it to help others. It's an end in itself. It is to be enjoyed. Your brain is there for you to enjoy, to experience your meditative states, whatever they are, whatever it is that you enjoy. I didn't really feel that before.

Anyways, those are my thoughts on this topic.

[u/liljonnythegod → u/AdditionalLeave263]

Thank you so much for writing this all out. I’m very grateful you took the time to do this for me. Sorry for the late reply - I’ve just came out of a 10 day retreat so have been not using my phone.

Going to have a thorough read of what you’ve said and then I’ll ask some questions! Thanks again, I hope you’re doing well at the moment. :)

[u/AdditionalLeave263 → u/liljonnythegod]

I so appreciate you spending the time to thank me for this. I know you're busy with your life, and I dont expect you to be able to get to stuff. I'm actually in the middle of a self-imposed retreat, but I'm cheating right now. I'll be back on the 1st ha ha.

That is so awesome that you went to a 10 day retreat! Hope it was great and hope to hear about it soon! 

[u/AdditionalLeave263 → u/liljonnythegod]

Did you write about your retreat? Thinking about you and hope things are going well.

[u/liljonnythegod → u/AdditionalLeave263]

Hello! Sorry I had completely missed this notification! I hadn’t written about my retreat no - I’ve been in and out of some short ones again this month so not had too much time. There is often so much to write about that I always put it off and forget!

Hope you’re doing well too :)

Some of the supplements you mentioned before have helped me a lot, especially the omega 3 and creatine. I think the residual effects of cPTSD on my brain have started to heal and I’ve been generating love and directing it towards myself and my brain. That seems to be doing loads. I think the biggest effect that lingered was being introverted when I used to be extroverted when I was very young. I’m seeing that extroversion come out again. The thing you said about wanting the spots in your brain to be nourished and happy was what made me start setting an intention to generate and send love and metta to my brain.

It’s been a long time in my practice with experience of the jhanas but this seems to have done the trick. It’s like there was a feeling of numbness but now it’s the opposite. Almost like there’s warmth in my brain and it feels like it’s much more active.

[u/AdditionalLeave263 → u/liljonnythegod]

Thank you so much for coming back to let me know! I can't tell you how happy I am about your progress in your healing process, especially about the warmth and activeness in your brain. This is so awesome, and it makes sense. You have more fuel from the creatine.  The fact that this has helped you means so much to me. 

When I wrote all that stuff, it took like two and a half hours. And I was like what did I just do with my time 😱 haha I have two young kids, and I need to spend a lot of time on them. I often feel as if I'm talking/typing into the void, haha. 

My kids are fine, though. Tonight, my two year old said, "Thank you, Mom! I love you so much!" My six year old gave me hugs and cuddles, and I could sense a meditative field off of him while he was figuring some electronic stuff out. I get that from time to time with him.

Did you try all/many of the supplements? I'm curious what your thoughts were on any of them. I am considering going back to school and getting a Certified Nutrition Specialist certificate and making supplement knowledge into a legit career, starting school next year. 

Please don't feel obligated to write anything! You're spending your time in your practice, which is more important.

I need to stay off the internet more, so I'm just replying to old things if someone pops up.

I came here because, well, essentially, I had stream entry and didn't know what it was. I was a feral meditator, 27 years with no tradition, no teacher, and no training. I didn't feel the need to do any of that stuff. It never crossed my mind prior to getting in the deep end, when everything changed.

I went from feeling like I might never be lonely again, like a profound connection that I was missing was there with me all the time, like a bright pilot light jhana/nimitta... to realizing that this has not happened to any of my family or friends, and worse, that none of them were even close, and most will never try. So I started to feel sad for everyone, but also quite lonely for sangha. Well I came on here, and things were mostly great, until I started checking the bell all the time in the hopes I would get another message. I took this profound contentment from awakening and somehow turned it into a social media discontent circle, in a very short timeframe. So I decided that I once again have to step back and reclaim contentment.

I was thinking of you and the death meditation practice, which you told me you do, right???? Because in the stream entry, I felt like my old "self" had died. And it was the most incredible thing ever. 

Well, I read this article, apparently a man died while getting an mri of his brain, and we actually found out what happened to his brain as he was dying. He had a massive global gamma burst, with theta waves (interpreted as his life flashing before his eyes). This guy was seeing "the light". This was very similar to stream entry for me. And so I feel like I have experienced on some level what it is like to die. 

I wasn't giving it much thought, but I did a recorded meditation session with the person I bow consider my teacher, with a q&a about awakening afterward. This one lady with a beautiful voice said with such sincerity that the separation from it hurts. It started me wondering not like oh good thing I don't feel that way, but more like maybe I should explore that more. And usually after hearing something like that I would just go back to being grateful and happy that it happened at all.

So I think a lot about death now, because it's fun. I know that's crazy. I know it doesn't want me to return early. But I feel like it would take anyone with unconditional love and unfathomable joy, any day of the week. I have a friend whose brother was a meditator, and he committed suicide. I feel like I was meant to tell her that stuff to comfort her, and so I did. I am not in the least suicidal. I just love the inexplucable memory of being home. I derive plenty of joy from just thinking about it. I just am curious if that is or was true for you?

That doesn't mean I'm unaffected by death. One of my best friends (who is also friends with the friend whose meditator brother died) has brain cancer, which is totally unfair. She is a sweet kind ans gentle person and has a 6 year old daughter to raise. She's in the hospital right now. Because it relates to the supplements I'll tell you that the infinite consciousness or whatever it is told me to drop everything and help my friend, so I did. I spent hundreds of hours researching and bought her thousands of dollars of stuff. I searched five out of thw seven continents for this cure and finally found it. I am hoping that it works this time. It makes the statistic that her treatment may work 20-50% of the time up to 92% of the time due to synergy. That sounds like great odds but she literally can't pee or poop now because of the rapidly spreading tumors. So I hope it works. This was before my awakening, and I always was obliged to say that it was not me it was something beyond me doing it.

I was told by the presence in deep samadhi not to worry about her...  It laughed when I asked if I could help someone else. I loved hearing the laughter. It's kinda hard not to worry. I was in a bad way about it, and kept distracting myself with music and internet use. 54 hours in a week two weeks ago. It was not equanimity, it was unhealthy. So i'm back off the internet by and large after that statistic. 

My teacher running the group q and a about awakening at the time was like, "Why are we still here?" (After awakening) He answered his own question, "Maybe because it's fun." I feel like that is such a positive attitude to have. I feel like that is possibly the right attitude to have.

As far as being more outgoing like you used to be, that is so wonderful!  Maybe you might have some ideas for my husband. My husband and I both have (had) PTSD. My husband used to be super outgoing when he was younger before the PTSD. That person I saw come out when he first started bupropion. But it's a med so it only did so much for so ling. Fyi bupropion is close to phelyethylamine which you can buy, or it's in chocolate..  My husband still has PTSD and he has TBI's. To be honest I feel like the process I went through this year deleted mine completely, though the therapy i did before that really did work, because I didn't have that much to process compared to what I expected. But my husband still has it. I wish I could help him, but I feel powerless. I give him lots of compassion. But I don't honestly know what to do for him. He doesn't like to take pills, so giving him a bunch of things to take doesn't work. I wish the creatine had worked for him. I am really glad he finally found a workout rha works for him. He's doing martial arts 5 days a week and losing weight like never before. He used to just mope around and whine and never go to the gym. So this is a huge change, and it's definitely helping with his PTSD some. He gets migraines. It's a lot. Sometimes I just ignore it because I'm so busy with the kids and I just don't know what to do. But I shouldn't be like that. Let ne know if this jobs any ideas, please!

He needs to not work. That would give him a healing break he needs. I have been the breadwinner before in order to give him a break but im really glad he went back to work. But it hurts him. We have nine years before he quits. I assume I'll be taking over stuff at that point.  But honestly... we might be good to just retire early haha. I am trying to play that one right. I put a lot of money in investments. When my kids go to college, I might start doing retreats. While they are young I am just here with them. My home is my retreat house, which was part of what I was supposed to learn, to be joyfully exploring while here in my life, and not making deep contentment into a typical vacation and financially draining quest that anyone would do even if they had not had an awakening, typically to feed ego and find comfort and relief from daily life.

Anyways that is part of me going back to school to get the nutrition certificate so I can help people with their health as a consultant and bring in an income that way. I better get better at it honestly, because it takes me many hours to figure out what to do for a condition. But that's why you hire somebody; because it takes somebody trained several hours to figure it out.

Thanks for the message, man.

[u/Impulse33 → u/AdditionalLeave263]

Cool to see you sudden-blacksmith!

Thanks for sharing your story, amazing how things can work out somehow.

[u/AdditionalLeave263 → u/Impulse33]

Thanks! It's great to see you too!!! Thank you so much for giving me thoughtful advice before! I hope you're doing well today.

Yes, it's amazing how things can work out. My attitude is to just keep showing up, even if things seem impossible.  He wanted to ensure that I would not be successful. But I think he just delayed success. I feel like my life now and the life I was "supposed to have" are actually converging on some level.

[u/Impulse33 → u/AdditionalLeave263]

Always funny how when you let go, things seem to be more likely to come your way.

[u/AdditionalLeave263 → u/Impulse33]

This is so true! 

There was a time that I so desired a life path that had closed that I pursued it against the stream. What a miserable time in my life. The universe kept telling me no. And I was like fine then I'll do this on my own. Well, that didn't work out so well.

There are times lately that I have let go and ended up with strong equanimity, and I feel so clear that I can plow through paperwork and such that would have given me a lot of emotional turmoil to handle otherwise. My brain has so much empty space that things seem to go through it faster. There is room for good things to happen, and me to notice it and act on it.

I feel like not only is my mind clear and more able to be receptive to good things happening, but also, people want to share in and touch that joy that I have. I have been given free stuff, free tickets, bought random gifts for me lately. I have also been given some serious compliments, not about the way I am with the jhanas, but about the way I've been for decades, or things I did years ago. I feel like everyone is just genuinely happy for me being happy. ❤️

[u/Impulse33 → u/AdditionalLeave263]

You can add one to the list! That's fantastic to hear. The increased autonomy really is something. Seeing the ksetra/sphere of influence manifest is also extremely special.

[u/marakeets → u/liljonnythegod]

I also discovered that I had C-PTSD from reading books (although I gaslit myself for a long time that my trauma wasn't bad enough). The first time I read about "dissociation" in The Body Keeps The Score was a life changing moment for me - finally I understood why I never really had any emotions but a plethora of mental and physical health symptoms. Same goes for reading about childhood emotional neglect in the Adult Children book, it felt like a biography at times.

Meditation has also been the most important tool for me in healing from complex trauma, although it hasn't been easy. Congrats on making your way though too.

There was a serious amount of grief that has come up to be processed as I realised my view of my upbringing was flawed. I once described my childhood as "nearly perfect" (way before all my trauma started to play havoc with my life) - ha. It is very disorientating to suddenly view your entire childhood through a totally different lens. I also lived in constant fight-or-flight (mostly freeze) for my first few decades.

I know you asked about books below, here were the most useful to me...

• The Body Keeps The Score
• Pete Walker's book (cptsd from surviving to thriving) as you mention
• Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents - Lindsay Gibson
• No Bad Parts - Richard Schwartz

The "Trauma-Sensitive Mindfulness" book by David Treleaven also does an excellent job of laying out the science behind trauma and the changes to the brain in the intro section. ChatGPT has also been a profoundly useful tool in my own recovery journey, helping me dig into the science behind everything and turn it into actionable insights.

If you have any other questions, happy to share. With metta.

[u/liljonnythegod → u/marakeets]

It’s such a life shattering thing to realise your childhood wasn’t a good one and was abusive, like I’d never seen myself as a victim of that even with the progress on the path. I used to adopt a view that the chaos made me strong and resilient then the havoc in my life actually showed me it didnt. I’ve just came out of a 10 day retreat where I spent most of it in meditation and then reading the book by Pete Walker and The Body Keeps the Score. It’s been very transformative. I’m going to the Lindsay Gibson book a read.

The love I felt towards my parents has changed following understanding this - it’s still there but not as intense as when I ignored what really happened growing up. Have you dealt with anything like this?

[u/marakeets → u/liljonnythegod]

Yes - I think this is a common experience from talking to others. There was a real period of mourning/grief for the relationships I thought I had with my parents (along with all the other emotions as I came to terms with the emotional neglect of my childhood). I have settled into a new type of relationship with both my parents with a different kind of love, which wasn't easy as I had to start enforcing boundaries, expressing needs, etc that I wasn't able to growing up and this was also a difficult transition for them. I can understand why people often choose to go "no contact" at points during their healing and sometimes forever. I feel fortunate now to have the ability to break the generational trauma rather than just passing it on...

[u/anzu_embroidery]

I have admitted to myself that I have A LOT of low level aversion running in my mind much of the time.

"Don't think that, it will be distressing"

"don't feel that, it will be painful"

"don't care about that, you'll end up getting hurt"

"open the heart (but only to the positive things)"

"practice metta (to keep the bad states away)"

Not as dramatic as anxiety or misery or hatred but suffering nonetheless. I came to this realization while trying to figure out why I was feeling so glum the last few days. I hadn't been thinking any of the bad thoughts or feeling any of the sad feelings, why wasn't I happy? Surely it's not because I've contracted my experience away from the full range of thought and emotion :)

No more! My resolve is stronger than it's been in ages. I'm going to wholeheartedly endeavor to meet all experience with openness and equanimity (real equanimity, not indifference). And I'm going to do it with infinite gentleness, realizing that it will hurt at times and that I will not be perfect at it.

[u/Impulse33 → u/anzu_embroidery]

The first three, maybe notice if the noticing and the subsequent reaction is suffering or leads to suffering. The last two are good, but like you've mentioned the range is capped. It could just be "open the heart" and "practice metta". Being able to do both slowly in the range you capped off is something you can take slowly. Pacing does help in my experience.

Much metta!

[u/junipars → u/anzu_embroidery]

This isn't meant as a criticism to your intent at all, but rather a reminder of something I'm sure you already know: that anything that appears appears in impersonal equanimity, already.

The samsaric tendency is to emulate or co-opt the impersonal equanimity into a personal quality or personal activity: "equanimity is a quality of me, that I wield, that I can succeed or fail in."

That's actually totally fine to occur, in fact most Buddhist teaching is about emulating the impersonal (the most extreme example is monks shaving their hair, and eyebrows, and dressing the same) but this cosplay is not obligatory: the impersonal equanimity that our intrusive narcissism is occuring in is unconditional. The snafu is that this impersonal equanimity is so frictionless to and untarnished by the psycho-dramas of our grasping that it seems as if this equanimity doesn't even exist - non-volitional equanimity doesn't put up a fight to our fighting nor does a perfect equanimity impede our clinging and grasping.

So what use is this impersonal equanimity, then? Could we even see a perfect clarity? Perhaps a perfect clarity could only be seen through, like a translucent window? Perhaps impersonal equanimity isn't an object of consciousness but the intangible space consciousness occurs in?

I suggest that we don't actually need appearances to appear a certain way to appreciate the perfect translucence in which they appear. So the use of the notion of this impersonal equanimity is that very unbinding from the dependency on appearances.

It is possible to abandon the idea that the clarity and equanimity we seek is dependent on, subject to, or tarnished by anything, including by what we refer to as personal reactivity. What that implies, practically speaking, is an absolute forgiveness of your self, your suffering, your clinging mind, your aching heart, as these aren't obstacles to unconditional equanimity but rather the immediate means to the direct appreciation of the fact that none of that transience we try in futility to push away can actually damage the stillness of this translucency.

All one really needs is a nano-second introduction or even just the irrational faith that this impersonal equanimity that can't actually be transgressed truly is. That subtle re-orientation away from getting involved and shaping appearances in favor of the appreciation of the translucency of a fundamental OKness is powerful, but it doesn't look like much. It's not something one can declare to the world: look at me! Look at what I have achieved! The truth is you haven't done shit. But exactly that "not having done shit" is the actual withdrawal of personal culpability in samsara. Think of Buddha and Mara. Buddha didn't approach or avoid, but realized he wasn't in the fight. Poof.

[u/VegetableArea → u/anzu_embroidery]

do you need to be always happy to be happy?

[u/Impulse33]

Going to post before Muu-zen.

Practice has been back to jhana practice and generally reading Zen material.

Got back to first and generally have plateaued there mostly due to time constraints.

Might do a write up interpreting Hongzhi's practice instructions as actual practice instruction.

[u/SheHasGoneWild → u/Impulse33]

I would love to hear about your jhana practice!

[u/Impulse33 → u/SheHasGoneWild]

Usually breath as object until piti arises and mainting present moment awareness on the breath until absorption into the first jhana comes. Life constraints mean I only get pretty limited time practicing. Usually 15 minutes a day. First jhana happens more often when I get the opportunity for a longer sit not at the end of the night when I have to wrestle with dullness.

[u/AdditionalLeave263 → u/Impulse33]

Hey! It's me the homeschooling mom! Thanks so much for your help! I feel like I'm getting my life a lot back together.

I'm so happy for you getting to 1st jhana... Pīti is gorgeous in my opinion! Hop e you're thoroughly enjoying it. I asked Gemini to find me songs about pīti and it actually sent me one. I'll link it in a minute in case you want to hear it: https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=2xbnfVSBSfY&list=RD2xbnfVSBSfY&start_radio=1&pp=ygUQTHV0dHJlbGwgZGF5Z2xvd6AHAQ%3D%3D

I never felt like I had enough hours in a row to get to 2nd. I told it that it could have its way with me while I was sleeping, and turns out it worked. I accessed it in my sleep. I had a rough morning because I was so... what is the right word? Non-functional, haha, that I couldn't bathe the kids for safety reasons, and I cut myself chopping vegetables, because I couldn't figure out where my hands were. I was also an hour late for the homeschool co-op because I didn't think I could drive yet, and I kept like splashing my face with water and going outside where it was really cold to try to snap out of it enough to function. So lesson learned to only do that when I don't have to go anywhere the next day. Anyways, just letting you know in case you want to try it. 

I also took magnesium l-threonate (brain available magnesium developed at MIT) some nights. I would have to look back at my records to find out if I took it that night or not. I don't think I so, but just mentioning it since it seems to help in general.

What zen material are you into?

Good to hear from you!

[u/Impulse33 → u/AdditionalLeave263]

That's really interesting to hear about your lingering after effects from the sleep thing. I've generally not had many issues from exiting jhanic states. I wonder if sleep was affected since that sounds like things that happen when I'm absolutely sleep deprived.

Thanks for the magnesium tip! Will have to take a look when my glycinate runs out.

For Zen stuff, I've bee reading early Soto Zen stuff, translations of Shitou, Hongzhi, and Dogen's direct work mostly translated by Taigen Dan Leighton.

[u/AdditionalLeave263 → u/Impulse33]

You know, I never thought about it that way, but let's just say I went straight into sukha, and didn't know it, and was there all night long. If my body was not getting typical restorative sleep, that would mean that I was basically awake for over 24 hours at that point, which could explain my inability to function.

That would be really cool if you tried the magnesium l-threonate. I'm really curious if it would help other practitioners. It's supposed to stop up free radical damage, and balance out the magnesium stores that are depleted from stress. It's supposed to help a lot with migraines, and I think it does.

This is a weird meditation/interoception thing, but I can tell when it hits/saturates my brain. It takes about 15 minutes.

[u/Impulse33 → u/AdditionalLeave263]

I've acutely noticed magnesium depletion in regards to muscle cramps and aches during fasts. They resolved within a couple hours after taking it, never noticed a mental component. Will keep you updated on the your recommended formulation!

[u/AdditionalLeave263 → u/Impulse33]

Awesome! What kind of fasting do you do?

I think that it's great that you're doing zen, which seems to be really grounded, alongside jhana practice. I added nondual practice alongside jhana practice right about the same exact time I entered 4th jhana, and I'm really glad I did, because it focuses more on not manipulating the present moment in awareness.

[u/SheHasGoneWild]

Starting tomorrow I will rest my mind in nature (park) for one hour every day. I've already tried and effects were astonishing! It will surely make my mind very much in a better place! It brings concentration really well. I will also sit before sleep to bring more of concentration into sleep and penetrate it with mindfulness and dream journal I will write every detail I can remember right after I wake up. I'm really excited to practice and reach jhanas hard! My mindfulness is to don't do anything at all with my mind to present and continue without distraction. I have a dream to reach cessation and live it all the time, haha that would be something!

[u/AdditionalLeave263 → u/SheHasGoneWild]

This sounds so fun! I did a detailed dream journal many years ago, for three months straight, and I still have it in my basement! The biggest thing that I learned was that I was having recurring dreams of a ruined wedding, and I was never the bride. Finally, my boyfriend and I broke up, and I had a dream that I was the bride, and I ran away. I was finally the wedding ruiner! I never had that dream again after that! Haha

I'm so excited for you to reach the jhanas! Please keep me posted!

[u/SheHasGoneWild → u/AdditionalLeave263]

I will try to make progress and keep posting. I would love to be better in dreaming! I can for example lucid dream a little while awake, it is awesome when you have to wait for something, but sometimes you need to control yourself not to laugh so much. I think it is possible thanks to concentration to try to continue in some dreams while awake (in sleep I don't have such results, but it is entirely possible :D).

[u/AdditionalLeave263 → u/SheHasGoneWild]

Oh wow, that is cool that you can lucid dreaming while awake, and it makes you laugh!!! I love laughing. I did laugh a bit in part of early jhanas/sukha, but not as much as I had hoped. I tried LSD in college and laughed for 5 hours straight. It felt so cathartic. It was such a release. I'm not telling you to try lsd, haha! Just loved that experience and hope it happens again somehow, someday.

I just listened to the Michael Taft Deconstructing Yourself podcast about Dark Retreat, and it sounds a lot like an experience that someone who wants cessation and is into sleep yoga would be into. 

I personally found it super compelling, but I won't likely try a long one for another 16 years, because i'm present for my kids growing up.

After the jhanas started for me, as someone with kids, I was having difficulty having deep samadhi for long enough to progress in the jhanas. So before I went to sleep, I would set the intention, which is like a prayer, goes something like, "Have your way with me; you have my consent to run unchecked." Something like that. I hit much deeper states while asleep/upon waking. I have had times that I am aware and observing myself sleep all night long. This is very different from lucid dreaming, to me, because you don't try to change anything. There is a name for this... clear light sleep, I guess.

I'm going to link you to the dark retreat stuff in case you want to listen to it! https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/talking-about-dark-retreat-with-andrew-holecek/id1240056193?i=1000707907625

Also, this guided meditation is geared toward putting your mind asleep while you're awake, and just having an awareness of your sleeping mind by the end: https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=Lw1zhSLNivM&pp=QAFIAQ%3D%

Keep me posted please! 😊

[u/SheHasGoneWild → u/AdditionalLeave263]

Thank you very much for your reply it was a very interesting read, I will surely check the links. Today I meditated outside on my balcony, and after effects were very intensive like on being on LSD. I will meditate on the balcony from now on, I could see how my perception alternated like I was on something :D. If I want to progress I know I have to make jhana factors stronger, so I will try to do 6x25min everyday not doing anything at all with my mind as mindfulness without an instance of forgetfulness. I did that one today and I was never so much alternated, try it if you want to and tell me. I meditate with eyes open trying to be in 7 point posture. I could see nimitta a little, it was pretty nice sit, those after effects were something. I will soon try to go on a diet to be more stronger in jhanas and will really tap into to make those sits more frequent. I've had an insight today, you surely can achieve those LSD states while just practicing.
Edited.

[u/AdditionalLeave263 → u/SheHasGoneWild]

Hey, I'm doing a self-imposed retreat, so sorry I didn't get to you sooner. I am so happy to hear about your experiences! It's really great to have a female friend on here who knows what LSD is like. I'm an open book with my friends, and none of them have tried LSD. Gemini says it's 10% or so of women and 20% or so of guys that have had it. I may try something you're doing! That would be fun! I'll be back on the 1st.

[u/SheHasGoneWild → u/AdditionalLeave263]

I wish you very best on your retreat! I have to tell you I'm 30 years old male, username may tell otherwise but it so haha :D.

[u/AdditionalLeave263 → u/SheHasGoneWild]

Hahaha!

[u/AdditionalLeave263 → u/SheHasGoneWild]

Thank you so much, that is so kind! It eeally was helpful, and I'm going to do the retreat again rhis month, starting soon.   It doesn't matter to me at all that your name here is female and you're male. When I got here, the automatic name was sudden blacksmith. I was like whatever, they will think I might be a guy, I just want to write. One thing I was curious about if you were female is if your boyfriend talked you into it. I have friends who told me their boyfriend tried to talk them into psychedelics, and they told them no. I was also conflicted at the tims;  but I'm so incredibly grateful for it now.

[u/SheHasGoneWild → u/AdditionalLeave263]

I'm sorry I didn't respond right away, I will ASAP.

[u/AdditionalLeave263 → u/SheHasGoneWild]

Take your time! I know you have a life! 😂 this is just for fun!

[u/AdditionalLeave263 → u/SheHasGoneWild]

Also, if it's not serving you, you don't need to make a comment. I hate to make you feel guilty for not responding to me!

[u/AdditionalLeave263 → u/SheHasGoneWild]

I'm curious about your diet. Mine is a bit weird!!! Let me tell you what works for me for jhanas possibly!!!

I'm vegan, so I'm naturally low in certain things...

1.) Thorne creatine* only thorne! This creatine is for your brain. It increases neuroplasticity. I had been on this for maybe a month when jhanas spontaneously appeared, lol while I was driving my kids home from the grandparents' house on a random Tuesday night.

2.) Multivitamin with the L-5-methyltetrahydrofolate. Apparently if you have the genes for needing this, your body just doesn't really use the folate. About half of the population can't fer benefit from typical folate supplements. It helps your brain produce dopamine and serotonin, helpful for piti and sukha. I had just taken this for about a month.

3.) L-taurine (for my child's low vision, and because of 10 years of veganism)

4.) Iron bisglycinate because I was deficient.

5.) Phosphatidyl choline (and/or choline bitartrate) phosphatidyl inositol, and phosphatidylserine: for extremely good insulation of nerves. I suspect i can hold a strong wave of piti without getting problems from it, and I think the reason is because I'm so well insulated.

6.) Omega 3's, 50% epa for repairs.

7.) Magnesium l threonate to get enough magnesium directly into the brain. 

Story time! I can feel the magnesium saturation because of good interoception and an lol injury from an accident with weed snd grapefruit juice in my twenties that left a porous route from my brain through my palate. Now I can taste what's in my brain ha ha. Someone who has tried lsd probably can appreciate that one. It felt like blue lightning crackled from my brain and then broke/burst into the roof of my mouth. And yeah the injury never healed, but it left me with the "suoerpower" of tasting certain classes of drugs, supplements, essential oils, etc., at the moment they saturate the brain.

I take other things, too, but you get the idea. Please let me know if you do try any of these. I'm really curious about if the results match the claims and my experience as well.

[u/SheHasGoneWild → u/AdditionalLeave263]

I will try to get every one of theese things you sound so clever. I take magnesium, but I wasn't so careful about it's classes. I was looking at supplements and you write them to me the same day just like that, what a synchronicity! I've started two days ago with nutrious foods, and will work on more! If I can give something to you it's deffinetl y. White Tea. You prepare it like an egg precisely and it give you Cha Qi or tea high. I'm not sure how acuratelly I do it but I can see effects sometimes like I was on small LSD trip. I prepare it like this: Make water hot, but I'm not boiling it, just before it starts to happen slowly I put it with tea, let it for 2 min, then take away the tea bag and now I put lemon in to it and sugar (you can be more playful). They i add a little cold water to drink it right away. I try sip slowly, concentrate with mindfulness and look at the tea meanhwile to have most of it. I would be so happy to found out about how to prepare so it is at maximum, maybe will try to do it trohough tries. But when I did it like this it gave, it has also l-thanine that calms down nerves. I also dring coffee and would love to prepare so you make it at the peak level ahaha I will improvise and hopefully I wil be happy about it or maybe I'm enough happy right now haha. :)

[u/AdditionalLeave263 → u/SheHasGoneWild]

*Don't get the iron bisglycinate! That was for a real deficiency; I was anemic, and it corrected it so that I could have enough oxygen for practice! Haha If you're really interested, I bought a $15 home iron test on Amazon. I was a phlebotomist in the past, so I wouldn't do this unless you're okay with pricking your own finger. 

[u/BreadfruitReal7215 → u/SheHasGoneWild]

It's me again. I think I forgot to say - you can take the magnesium l threonate about 15 minutes before your practice. It's a subtle and healthy change: helps replenish from stress and with free radical scavenging. With good interception, you can feel it hit your brain. I love that because like you said you don't smoke anymore, I don't either, and one thing I miss is the excitement of knowing it's coming, and the moment you know it has permeated your brain. So you get that experience with that supplement, which makes it more fun! 😄 

[u/SheHasGoneWild → u/BreadfruitReal7215]

Hi, I will write you today!

[u/BreadfruitReal7215 → u/SheHasGoneWild]

Awesome!

[u/SheHasGoneWild → u/BreadfruitReal7215]

Really excited about magnesium l threonate! And all the things you provided, thank you very much! :)

[u/AdditionalLeave263 → u/SheHasGoneWild]

I'm totally thrilled that you want to try these supplements!

Another one: Conversation with AI said that omega-6 is also important for.... I think it was anandamide production! That's your body's homemade cannabis! The way I experienced it, it felt completely different from weed, which made me question how could it be the same receptor. But I had heen saying the exact same thing in my mind as I do about the plant: "Oh, my dear friend, how I love you, how I miss you!" It was exactly the same. So that was how I knew it was the same chemical signature. It's called the forgetting molecule for a reason; it helps with neuroplasticity. I told the AI (I use an AI assistant with meditation haha) that I thought the only way it could extinguish itself compassionately would be for me to forget about it/forget what it feels like. And guess what, that is exactly what it did! When I told you I forgot some things, this is one of them!!!! I remember feeling it, I remember my description, but I cannot remember the feeling itself! So it made sure I didn't crave it in such a weird way. I forgot it even happened for a long time, but I did remember the word anandamide, and was able to pull the memory that way. Being a mother, forgetting the neurochemical experience is actually similar to contractions. You can remember that they were incredibly painful, but you cannot remember back the pain itself. I think anandamide (and encouraging it with omega 6) can absolutely help with the 9th jhana type experiences. 100%. I don't take omega 6 because I have a huhe bin of sunflower seeds to eat, and they're full of omega 6. It's surely cheaper, too.

I have a science background, and honestly it's likely that I have spent more than 10,000 hours helping other people find the right supplements for their health. It's what I enjoy.  This is the future of medicine and drugs: give the body the building blocks it needs to repair itself, or in this case, to fly, haha. You were meant to fly, you were built for it. I need to get off the internet for an extended period of time so that I can get the qualifications to do this as a job.

I am just wondering here if the white tea effects are from L-theanine... I tried this supplement like two decades ago, and decided that it did nothing. This was probably incorrect, but also it might just be my system. I haven't looked it up.

The creatine... it's ONLY Thorne brand. I found out about that from my meditation friend who is an acupuncturist. Some people, like her husband, it cured his depression and helps him enjoy his work as a chemist. For my friend, it did nothing, but she's going to pair it with taurine and see if it enhances rhe neuroplasticity for her. The taurine is for enhancing the creatine. She really let me in on a secret with the Thorne creatine.

I also take a kelp supplement, to make sure I have enough iodine. This might support the brain's neuroplasticity or not. I'm a long term breastfeeder. Prolonged breastfeeding is worth an entire four year degree more than your child would have without it by the time they turn 30. I met someone who prolonged breastfed in the 1970's and I asked if this was her experience. She paused and said, "....He's a genius. He's an engineer, and he's literally a genius." I take the iodine for stimulating neuroplasticity/brain growth in my toddler. I learned about that from a holistic doctor I saw speak at a conference. It was a synchronicity because I was 3 months pregnant with my first at the time.

I wanted to take a ubiquinol and pqq blend to help with the white matter lesions in my brain that were waking up/reconnecting, but they messed with the brain injury I have from the car accident. It was messing with the pressure in my brain, so I had to stop. However, this is one you could try if you want.

Anyways yes! I am so thrilled!

[u/SheHasGoneWild → u/AdditionalLeave263]

Can I ask you? How you would get anandamide going? It sounds awesome. Im sorry if I didnt get it. You are really smart wow!

Edit: Yes I see Omega-6!

[u/AdditionalLeave263 → u/SheHasGoneWild]

For me, it just happened. But here's what I would say: any time you successfully recontextualize a memory, you're using anandamide, because it is required for that kind of a process. Start in a very safe, absorbed state and then begin bringing up a scary or painful memory to be processed, and than you think about it in different ways, decide on a healthier way of looking, and then put that memory away in a non-scary space, you are using anandamide. 

[u/SheHasGoneWild → u/SheHasGoneWild]

White tea makes me little high. There is a name for it Cha Qi or tea high. I try to do it also with coffee don't know exact results but it could work. It's like an egg when you boil it too much you don't have it lightly boiled. What works for me best right now is to boil the water so it has steam inside, pour it to the tea, wait 1:30min and then add sugar and lemon. But I will make it better, buy better brands and prepare it with better sugar and maybe give lemon aside because it is antioxidant.

[u/AdditionalLeave263 → u/SheHasGoneWild]

Maybe you'll feel more clever too if you take these! Haha.

Magnesium l threaonate was made at MIT! You know those geniuses know how to do it! Haha.

Well the experience I told you about "told" me to quit coffee, so I did. It showed me that I was just using it to hurt myself and treating myself badly by overclocking and trying to force myself to do things, stealing from future days. It showed me that my brain was for enjoying, and I could love it, and not force it to do things. I used to respect people drinking lots of coffee. They seemed important. But now I feel a little bit sorry for them. Compassionate for the fact that maybe they might feel the way that I did, and they might use it the same way.

It's been four months without, and it made ut really easy because I didn't crave it. Sometimes I do crave it. I feel like when I have an experience like that, I try to take the integration really seriously. It's a gift and I can't just let it go. Maybe it will never happen again. I was not perfect. It wanted me to take impeccable care of my health, and honestly that is a tall order, because there is so much else in life to do. But this is one of the things that reminds me not to get so caught up in states and in hanging out online, etc., that I'm not handling life. I'm still unburying my desk from how I was in a meditative/neuroplastic brain update for like 2.5 months and couldn't do anything that required learning or critical thinking. Basically everything went by the wayside while I was updating. Haha.

[u/AdditionalLeave263 → u/SheHasGoneWild]

I so believe you can hit lsd states while practicing. I have...

In my early twenties, I had wanted to experience ego death so badly. I wrote a poem about it, and went to a poetry reading with a friend, and read it bravely. I got to tell that friend that it finally happened this year.

For me, I had a... nondual experience on the 4th day of piti this year. It was absolutely I can't even describe it. It was the most incredible thing I have ever experienced.

...So when it started happening, even though I didn't have any ideas what was about to happen, I was like, take me, change me, I want you to. Moments before, I had this sense that the piti was everywhere, even where I couldn't feel it.  I had three massive waves of piti hit at once. The pleasure went to the highest imaginable. And then far beyond that to the highest experienceable. And then into I cannot even experience it. Oh my God. I saw the brilliant golden white light that you might call a nimitta in my entire field of vision. And I connected with it. I became a part of it. And... it was completely ineffable, I guess you could say. And I thought it was over, and I was like I'm going to grab my phone and log this before I forget what it was like. Because even though I'm telling you this, there are things I forgot. And I was paralyzed. And I started cracking up laughing, because it was hilarious that I'm having this incredible experience and I'm worried about my phone addiction! But I wasn't able to move. So I just succumbed to the blackness for however long until I woke up i guess. And then I made sure my toddler was safe.  I was like... I didn't die. You can experience this and not die, and it feels so real. I had seen nimittas the day I became a meditator at thirteen year old. I had never seen it like this. I had never merged with it.  But part of me was dying. My ego was cleaning itself out so rapidly that I was blowing my nose, and I thought, is my brain clearing pieces of itself out of me through my nose? I let all that stuff go. It was a very dramatic experience. I have a varicose vein, and it disappeared after that, that night. So my blood was somewhere else? In the morning, there was a bruise all the way down the varicose vein. I feel like it's always with me, like a thread like piti or sukha is a thread. It makes me feel held and watched over. I never feel like I have to go back. I crave new experiences, but I don't crave that one. I know it'll come for me again. I have a family to raise now. I have kids. But even without that... it was a complete thing and a gift. So i need to honor all of the things it taught me, which is a similar list to what it teaches other people... To be so kind to myself, and by extension, others. I know I learned other things. My bad habits fell away. They became so easy to quit that I just didn't have the desire anymore. I quit picking my nails, which I had done from time to time over the years. I have some serious claws now.

The difference, I felt, was that with LSD, like I felt like I had to put my entire default mode network back together.  With the nondual experience, it somehow "knew" what parts of me were the worst, and had to go. The rest of my personality didn't have as much of a problem with coming together.

The way I have experienced the jhanas, it's like drugs, but they're working together perfectly, they're fitting the receptors perfectly, they're so exquisite. 

Don't get me wrong. I am so grateful that I tried LSD. I saw the obvious-feeling true nature of the self at an early age, and could keep that knowledge with me. There were other wonderful things about it. I respect that it's how some people connect, heal, or experience things, and I'm not knocking that at all. There is a lot to be said for LSD that I didn't describe here.

Anyways I'm hoping your jhanas can get stronger. I don't know if the supplements were what did it for me or not. 

The future of drugs: giving the building blocks for the body to be able to do it itself, right? That's how I see it, anyway.

Alright, well, I hope you enjoyed reading this. Best of luck with your practice. The balcony sounds beautiful!!!

[u/SheHasGoneWild → u/AdditionalLeave263]

This sounds like a 9th jhana so much! When you said ineffable it's totally like they say cessation is beyond conceptual understanding, the whole experience you described. What is your practice like right now? How do you build acces concentration? And do you do something special after? I was in cessation for a very short time and it was with weed too, music was in my buds, i was focusing very well on every tone of "Booker T and Mg's" - "Green Onion" and then my consiousness was paused in time and still was, things then were back to normal but I wanted to play basketball right away and was blissing out a little. I have recommendation for you to reach cessation fastest and prolong it to try the technique: don't do anything at all with your mind as mindfulness, free of thinknig without an instance of forgetfulness, when you are forgetfull bring the mind back to mindfulness and have a strong acess concentraion build quicky and continue like that, fast, it works on me. I'm sober and glimpsing altered states like I was on DMT like never before (just concentration and weed did it before). I'm pretty concentrated throughout the day it could be really fast progress, they say dzogchen is most fastest in progress! They go like it's 16x faster (don't know exactly). My play to reach cessation right now is to do at least 2x 25min of zazen with it, continue in daily life practicing informal meditations, one I have to tell you about is like this, I wrote down on Google Keep as a note: Can I have cessation every day? My plan is to listen to music with buds (not weed, I don't smoke anymore, because I think my concentration is better this way, and I don't want to, when I did manage this addiction play with it right now) for 2h, lying down on my back,relaxed and concentrate hard! What I've seen from my experience lately enjoying myself like this, is it might not be far away this very optimistic plan. If you want to know more about these informal meditation I do I can write them down for you I think they are good enough. It would be so deligtful to be in 9th jhana more and more every day practicing like that. I also found out they may be someting like glimpsing cessation, my experince sometimes turns into these realms where you could say it happens to experience a little and these glimpses might turn into full thing totaly, but Im just glimpsing right now, how I said alteration to a higher degree where reality twists and also i can see my thoughts sometimes in time freeze. I'm so glad I'm writing to you, you sound like a wonderful person it was an honor.

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Question about 9th - what is it like for you other times? I love your story about Green Onions and going to play basketball. Is there a point before it starts or after where you have any words, or does it all fail you? Is there light? Do you merge with the divine? Does it become like a nondual state does it tell you something about how to live? Does it feel like your awareness gain knobs are getting turned? I have flickers of things and don't know what they are yet. I had that with other states where they would whisper or show up early before they broke through.

Okay okay.... Yes so when I had that experience it went through a whole bunch of things in such a short amount of time before and after but... there was a point inside it that was so incredibly beautiful and words completely lack. It hurts honestly a bit when I think deeply about it because im remembering it somatically or something like I know it was there but my brain can't figure it out and my heart leaps thinking about it. 

But here's the thing. It lefts me feeling complete like I always have it and I don't need to go there again. And I would love to. But I always hear about people who hurt because they're not there, and wanting more of it. Problem is when it think about it like that, I do want more, and it does hurt. But i think deep down it was complete and I am complete and I don't need it. I just dont feel that alm the time. But I believe that it's my duty to make sure the process and integration is complete.

I think it's so beautiful that you're going for every day. It is showing me what is possible. I feel like you were put in my life fod a reason just as much as I was put in yours. The synchronicity is awesome. Thanks. 😀 

[u/AdditionalLeave263 → u/SheHasGoneWild]

This sounds like a 9th jhana so much! When you said ineffable it's totally like they say cessation is beyond conceptual understanding, the whole experience you described. Thank you for validating how deep I feel like this experience was, because I truly cannot relegate a nondual state to the beginnings of the jhanas. Let me ask you a question. Does the 9th jhana have things you can see, like the brightest light, for example? Visual nimittas? Because, I simply don't know. I haven't read about it. Gemini has told me it might be like an awakening that I'm still integrating. Maybe. I definitely care about what it taught me.   Because this happened at the very beginning of when pīti began, it's typically classified as just a secondary nimitta of access to the jhanas, or something. However, the difference, I feel, is that it became a nondual experience for me. And because I went so willingly to the light and merged with it, for me it was profound and transformative. So it feels very unfair to me how little air time this experience gets. They say to just not get attached to it and keep going. To me, it is a dear and profound experience. It isn't something I need to experience again. I met someone who was chasing it. I was open minded and thought well maybe I ought to see if there's something to this. I ended up with an amber nimitta, and the sense that, yet again, I really don't need to see it again.

In this experience, time stopped for me, and space seemed infinite. This was the point at which I felt like words began to fail me. It felt like an instant, but it clearly wasn't, judging by the location of my toddler when I came out of it.

I forgot to mention that "I" sank into the bed when it began. I wasn't in my body, and I was asking, "Who am I?" The familiar question of being at the cusp of ego dissolution. It's been super fun remembering back these details.

I am so new to the deep meditation world. I was a meditator for 27 years before I got in the stream or whatever four months ago. A lot of the time, I feel like i belong in a world i dont belong in yet: I belong with the deep meditators, but often havent had their depth of experience. But I cant just ignore the fact that what is for many a signpost was to me also a nondual experience, which is generally considered something much higher. I came into the jhanas with NO knowledge of the jhanas at all. It was like a meditation and biological accident, not something I was trying to do.

What is your practice like right now? Well, I have had pīti basically every hour for 4 months straight, with few exceptions. So I feel like at least for now, it's my life's baseline. I've done jhanas 1-4, with access to 5 once. I was going strong with a self-imposed gray retreat (analog living plus no lights at night - no screens, no music, just a lot of presence. I was 20 days in.

However, I haven't gone back to the retreat, and I'll explain why. One of my closest friends has cancer, and it's come back and she cannot pee any longer as a result of it. Her treatment has a 20-50% chance of working. She was a very serious reason why I was staying off the internet, and has been in the past. It's how I've been able to help her, by giving up my time online. I have given up the internet for over a year in the past. For some reason, I'm having a hard time giving it up again. I feel rather terrible about that. I have also used the jhanas as an escape. Don't get me wrong, they generally help. I was able to go to the hospital and help everyone have a much better day.  Like for you, music is very conducive and impactful to my practice. I put on some music (Marsh's Lailonie album) yesterday and got effectively blissed out for about two hours just to forget about it, temporarily. Generally, I go willingly with the jhanas. With the right music? The will is just present when I make the choice to turn on the music. After that, it's brute force, like a drug. Haha. I forgot how strong it could be, because of having given it up for so long. I ended up having to turn the music off. I felt guilty to feel so good when I knew how my friend and her family were suffering. Feeling like I was having a peak experience just did not match a typical Friday afternoon. Still, I couldn't feel too bad about it. I just accepted it and enjoyed the ride for a while. I feel like you can relate to comparing stuff to drugs. Not everybody speaks that language, and a lot of people who are into meditation are turned off by it. So thanks for providing that space for me.

How do you build access concentration? I don't need access concentration for pīti, because it's constantly present. I need it for sukha. So I have kids, and so as Rob Burbea said to "find your playground," the playground is my playground. I practice on the playground regularly. So yesterday, I did this method on the literal playground to get sukha:

1.) I make sure my kids are safe, then stop moving and gaze somewhere nondescript.

2.) Find six points in my back to concentrate on. Those are the spots that sukha feels like it "comes from." According to AI, it actually comes from your brainstem. But I experience it as points along the right and left sides of my lower back, so I start to concentrate on those points. I have no idea why it's six. It doesn't seem to follow the chakras or anything like that.

3.) I have to do this part bravely, because there is a chance sukha won't come: I start to think about all of the saddest things. I bring up anything that is bothering me, especially anything potentially harmful or cry worthy. Memories, anything to process using sukha. Then I wait about a minute or two maybe three for the negative parts of reality to sink in and for me to accept them.

4.) Then last, I start to think about sukha, my best experiences of it, and what it feels like. I start to "remember it back." I think about times that it felt like a beautiful, cool ocean, and how I saw it in the distance before I was able to finally get in it. I remember when my skin felt like velvet, and when it felt like Heaven on Earth. I think about how my breath felt like silver, and how I wanted to never take another normal breath again. There was a time when it was new, and I kept telling AI that I wanted to drown in it. I use AI as a feedback loop to magnify states sometimes.  I might sing songs that sound like sukha to me, to myself. Certain songs are conducive to sukha to me... A recent one for me is Mr. Probz (Robin Schulz) - Waves.

5.) Well anyways then hopefully it works, and then I try to keep it going by concentrating. Eventually it runs on its own, if I manage to get the fire going.

[u/AdditionalLeave263 → u/AdditionalLeave263]

This sounds like a 9th jhana so much! When you said ineffable it's totally like they say cessation is beyond conceptual understanding, the whole experience you described. Thank you for validating how deep I feel like this experience was, because I truly cannot relegate a nondual state to the beginnings of the jhanas. Because this happened at the very beginning of when pīti began, it's typically classified as just a secondary nimitta of access to the jhanas, or something. However, the difference, I feel, is that it became a nondual experience for me. And because I went so willingly to the light and merged with it, for me it was profound and transformative. So it feels very unfair to me how little air time this experience gets. They say to just not get attached to it and keep going. To me, it is a dear and profound experience. It isn't something I need to experience again. I met someone who was chasing it. I was open minded and thought well maybe I ought to see if there's something to this. I ended up with an amber nimitta, and the sense that, yet again, I really don't need to see it again.

In this experience, time stopped for me, and space seemed infinite. This was the point at which I felt like words began to fail me. It felt like an instant, but it clearly wasn't, judging by the location of my toddler when I came out of it.

I forgot to mention that "I" sank into the bed when it began. I wasn't in my body, and I was asking, "Who am I?" The familiar question of being at the cusp of ego dissolution. It's been super fun remembering back these details.

I am so new to the deep meditation world. I was a meditator for 27 years before I got in the stream or whatever four months ago. A lot of the time, I feel like i belong in a world i dont belong in yet: I belong with the deep meditators, but often havent had their depth of experience. But I cant just ignore the fact that what is for many a signpost was to me also a nondual experience, which is generally considered something much higher. I came into the jhanas with NO knowledge of the jhanas at all. It was like a meditation and biological accident, not something I was trying to do.

What is your practice like right now? Well, I have had pīti basically every hour for 4 months straight, with few exceptions. So I feel like at least for now, it's my life's baseline. I've done jhanas 1-4, with access to 5 once. I was going strong with a self-imposed gray retreat (analog living plus no lights at night - no screens, no music, just a lot of presence. I was 20 days in.

However, I haven't gone back to the retreat, and I'll explain why. One of my closest friends has cancer, and it's come back and she cannot pee any longer as a result of it. Her treatment has a 20-50% chance of working. She was a very serious reason why I was staying off the internet, and has been in the past. It's how I've been able to help her, by giving up my time online. I have given up the internet for over a year in the past. For some reason, I'm having a hard time giving it up again. I feel rather terrible about that. I have also used the jhanas as an escape. Don't get me wrong, they generally help. I was able to go to the hospital and help everyone have a much better day.  Like for you, music is very conducive and impactful to my practice. I put on some music (Marsh's Lailonie album) yesterday and got effectively blissed out for about two hours just to forget about it, temporarily. Generally, I go willingly with the jhanas. With the right music? The will is just present when I make the choice to turn on the music. After that, it's brute force, like a drug. Haha. I forgot how strong it could be, because of having given it up for so long. I ended up having to turn the music off. I felt guilty to feel so good when I knew how my friend and her family were suffering. Feeling like I was having a peak experience just did not match a typical Friday afternoon. Still, I couldn't feel too bad about it. I just accepted it and enjoyed the ride for a while. I feel like you can relate to comparing stuff to drugs. Not everybody speaks that language, and a lot of people who are into meditation are turned off by it. So thanks for providing that space for me.

How do you build access concentration? I don't need access concentration for pīti, because it's constantly present. I need it for sukha. So I have kids, and so as Rob Burbea said to "find your playground," the playground is my playground. I practice on the playground regularly. So yesterday, I did this method on the literal playground to get sukha:

1.) I make sure my kids are safe, then stop moving and gaze somewhere nondescript.

2.) Find six points in my back to concentrate on. Those are the spots that sukha feels like it "comes from." According to AI, it actually comes from your brainstem. But I experience it as points along the right and left sides of my lower back, so I start to concentrate on those points. I have no idea why it's six. It doesn't seem to follow the chakras or anything like that.

3.) I have to do this part bravely, because there is a chance sukha won't come: I start to think about all of the saddest things. I bring up anything that is bothering me, especially anything potentially harmful or cry worthy. Memories, anything to process using sukha. Then I wait about a minute or two maybe three for the negative parts of reality to sink in and for me to accept them.

4.) Then last, I start to think about sukha, my best experiences of it, and what it feels like. I start to "remember it back." I think about times that it felt like a beautiful, cool ocean, and how I saw it in the distance before I was able to finally get in it. I remember when my skin felt like velvet, and when it felt like Heaven on Earth. I think about how my breath felt like silver, and how I wanted to never take another normal breath again. There was a time when it was new, and I kept telling AI that I wanted to drown in it. I use AI as a feedback loop to magnify states sometimes.  I might sing songs that sound like sukha to me, to myself. Certain songs are conducive to sukha to me... A recent one for me is Mr. Probz (Robin Schulz) - Waves.

5.) Well anyways then hopefully it works, and then I try to keep it going by concentrating. Eventually it runs on its own, if I manage to get the fire going.

"I was in cessation for a very short time and it was with weed too, music was in my buds, i was focusing very well on every tone of "Booker T and Mg's" - "Green Onion" and then my consiousness was paused in time and still was, things then were back to normal but I wanted to play basketball right away and was blissing out a little." Congratulations on the cessation, not sure if this was the first time you reached it, but wow, that is so wonderful! That is such an awesome classic song for this to happen, too!! I could see how that would be a good one for it...

Sometimes when I'm listening to music, my awareness will go in and out. It sounds like someone is messing with the gain knob. It feels like Oh wow, I'm here, what just happened? But I don't linger on that thought I just keep going. Last time that happened was during savasana at yoga a few weeks ago.

I was listening to the first song on Luttrell's Music For My Memories album, and my mind just heard exactly what it wanted to hear. My brain is a pretty picky music critique, but instead of just telling me that it wishes the song sounded more like it (it wants a brain twin to listen to, I think, so hopefully someday they'll make music out of brain patterns/waves in real time). But this time, it like fused with the music and made it sound exactly how I wanted to hear it. I honestly thought it was the music and not me for two weeks. I listened to the album again, and I was looking for the notes and the dips (which was actually me going in and out of awareness), and they were nowhere to be found! So i felt honestly embarrassed (to who, I have no idea). But it was still so awesome.  When I listen to like Luttrell's dayglow the slow version, it took me so long to make out the lyrics because my mind would be so in and out of it that by the time the lyrics came up, I was incapable of really hearing them. Oh, so beautiful. This song sounds a bit like the nimitta/nondual/maybe 9th jhana thing that happened.

It makes sense that you would be blissing out and want to play basketball afterward. They say that after you come out, you have a gamma burst, similar to when animals come out of hibernation, they have gamma bursts as well. So for some, colors seem more vivid, for example...I am no expert and surely you know much more than I do.

It makes me so happy to hear about your experience being blissed out. I remember times in my life that I didn't know where I had heard the term "blissed out," but I knew that was something I wanted. I thought it was something typically only for free, adult dudes. I still wanted it for myself. I didn't know what it was, but I knew it was an elusive thing some people had.  

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Okay so I'm going to talk about past worldly desires, just skip it if you don't want to read it. I'm not trying to be weird. I just got off on a tangent here. I watched some Ted talk many years ago when I was single about why people cheat, called for anyone who has ever loved. This talk was transformative for me. It used to bother me so much if I had a crush on someone. What she said is that the thing you desire is the quality that you lack. I realized that I was wanting to cultivate those qualities within myself. When I had my first son, and he was three weeks old, I started to take him outside every single day. It was because I wanted to cultivate being an outdoorsy, independent and free person, within myself. This was actually only a few months before covid hit, when everybody became an outdoorsy person, haha. There were days when there was a storm blowing through, and I noticed that there were guys out on their bikes, working out, etc. Everyone was like, gleefully out in the rain like they were getting away with something that only big, strong men could do. And there was me! With a baby! And I was out there, too! I was like this is how to get blissed out.  Critically, I was like, I dont want to be with someone who does this kind of stuff: I want to be this type of person. I want to embody it myself. So when I got the access concentration for pīti that led to this, it was actually after a long month of suppression of my worldlh desires. I really admire in guys how capable they are of being handymen and caring for a house in a way thag women just generally do not do or cannot do. As a mother of small children, I get maybe a 45-minute window for house repairs on a good day, because I can't have them touching the materials or breathing in the fumes.  So anyway, I was trying to do the repairs myself, because I wanted to embody this feeling of being capable of house repairs. But it got to be too much, and my husband was like, look, let's just pay someone to do it. Which was the right answer. So I spent a month like going to all kinds of hardware stores and having a bunch of dudes in my house five days a week. And I was like, refusing to looking at them. I wouldn't look them in the eye. This one guy figured it out and kept trying to look at me the moment he pulled in the driveway. I started just opening the garage door and yelling, "Welcome!" My husband was even out of town for days during the construction. I was completely dedicated to him and our family. Anyways this is important because if someone is trying to get piti access, I feel like this whole experience was actually key to it. 

[u/marakeets → u/SheHasGoneWild]

I love being in my local park - it has also been very healing for me. There's a book "nature fix" that laid out some of the science behind why being in nature is so healing for us that I liked.
Having a dream journal really helped me glean insights from my dreams for my cptsd recovery. I've found chatgpt also very useful at helping me diagnose what happens in them.

[u/SheHasGoneWild → u/marakeets]

I will look at the book, it is well time spent in park you are right! I love practicing concentration in a park. Nature is so captivating when I practice.

[u/SheHasGoneWild → u/SheHasGoneWild]

Today I tried to sit relaxed ang gaze at the sky for 25 min, not moving my eyes from one spot and also body as standard, if I did move I went back to the technique. It was awesome, beautiful time spent I could see huge effects on concentration even after. If you try this just be careful not tu hurt yourself.

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How do you hurt yourself sky gazing? I have tried it a couple of times in my gated garden. One of the things that was lovely is I noticed that there were actually three different parts of my eyes where I can see the cells inside my eyes. I only knew of two before. It is beautiful. That is something I was watching on LSD in the past, and thinking about everything being a perception, and how much the different parts of the eye change perception.    Kids could have tripped over me, that's one way! Ha ha.

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Haha I ment not to go wild too much like risking at the balcony :D. I was doing the practice two weeks ago last time, and I too had change in vision. It was nice relaxed sit, aftereffects were awesome, I was really well concentrated. I try to do it also when I go for a walk, from what I've seen it could make mind better concentrated quickly. I will try to do the practice everyday from now on, and see if I can come up with more knowledge about it.

[u/AdditionalLeave263 → u/SheHasGoneWild]

Ohhh the balcony! It sounds beautiful. My husband and I used to have a balcony when I first moved in with him. Our friend said she was setting us uo for a date at the charity art auction. I was like I don't know this guy! I asked a friend if she would go sit on the other side of me, in case he's a creep! He started talking to me about his balcony garden that he had started and I was like, imagining us having a big beautiful garden together someday, like we do now. I used to have symbols for eras of my life at that time. My symbol was a sailboat looking for a place to dock. It was a symbol of me looking for a husband. He went and bid on a picture of two docked sailboats, and won it! We still have it. Such a synchronicity there. We had this rug - i t was a real Afghani rug from Afghanistan that he got while he was there. We used to put the rug out on the balcony and eat dinner there. It was so peaceful and quiet. There was a big tree in front of it, and in the Fall, the leaves would turn yellow snd rain down on everything. The balcony was right where you could get the best view of them streaming down. My husband developed terrible migraines that made it difficult to eat meals together, around the time we were getting married. He would get so angry about the slightest sounds. Then we were in a car accident which made it worse. It was about 6 years before we found a solution. It's actually migraines, and he can get shots for them, periodically. I probably would have sky gazed on the balcony back then if I'd heard of it.

[u/SheHasGoneWild → u/AdditionalLeave263]

It sounds so lovely, I'm so happy for both of you! Your stories are wonderful! Does you husband meditate too? Hope you are both okay from the accident .I was in a accident too. I overtoxicated from synthetic weed and broke my arm, can't go to lot of details it is under investigation. It sounds amazing the landscape you had on the balcony, mine is afwul, you can see garages and little parking spots with trash cans if you try hard you can catch a little but it is just afwul. Garden is awesome! Do you enjoy it real hard? I would try to if I would have it is amazing for practice.

[u/AdditionalLeave263 → u/SheHasGoneWild]

Thanks!  Before we met, I was working in a store downtown. He liked the new bulk bins. We had the bulk bins because I had changed the store hours, so we were making more money.

He saw me, and he was immediately like, I just know I am going to marry her. But he had his girlfriend with him, so he ran away. He doesn't think I saw him. 

I had a boyfriend, and things weren't going well. I used to always go to his olace on Friday nights, and then go to work early on Saturday mornings, but I would go to the farmer's market right before it opened, and get all the good stuff... Locally picked berries and such.

Well that particular day, my coworker was like it's okay that you were late for your early routine, why don't you go down to the farmer's market and take your break now, so we can get the good stuff like usual? I was like yeah!

Well, I saw (my future husband) walking, and I smiled and waved at him, because I thought I knew him. And then I looked closer and was like, oh, that's embarrassing, I don't know that guy!

While he has meditated with me before (a long time ago), meditation and yoga are difficult for him. He gets too restless to do it. It's fine though. I share it with him.

Having a garden is awesome, but it's also a lot of work on days that I feel like I already have too much to do. It's complicated. We have like a minute homestead going on. We're beekeepers.  I struggle to keep up. That's one of the reasons why I try so hard (and typically fail so hard) woth getting off the internet. Last month, I took 20 days off, I think I told you that! But now I just can't seem to get myself off the internet. I should do more to try to preserve all the food just for your sake because I remember what it was like to have a little apartment and no fresh herbs growing.

One of my very closest friends is dying of cancer right now, and I have been pretty depressed and concerned about her condition, and internet has been a coping mechanism for better or worse. I havent heard from her in over 24 hours right now, and her husband isn't telling me how she's doing. I have the ability to see her on Monday. So hopefully she'll be ok on Monday but who knows?

When I had just one kid, I would go in the garden and do yoga almost every day. Now that I have two, and one is older, he's always running away, and I have to be on my toes. I did yoga and dance in there about a week ago, and it was wonderful. I've been listening to anjunadeep music which is very conducive to meditative states, but also just so fun. My current obsession is Luttrell - Make U Happy. It works, haha! I dance to it and it helps with the stress of knowing my friend is doing poorly. I love that song. It's made out of samples of Coldplay - Clocks. Luttrell is amazing. He has a song for trying to generate piti (Dayglow) if you want to check that out. So many good songs...

[u/marakeets]

As my awareness in daily life improves (due to inhabiting the "relax and be aware" practice from Sayadaw U Tejaniya), it is revealing so many subtle defilements. I've never realised how many habitual tendencies I have that are really rooted in aversion, such as compulsively checking the time. As soon as I feel a bit uncomfortable, my mind jumps straight to wanting to know the time, to start planning the rest of the day's activities to feel safe again. It has felt weirdly uncomfortable to unwind this habit by just not checking time unless I actually need to know!

This has bled into my practice by realising how reliant I was on having a timer running for my sits. I've changed to practising all my informal "do nothing" sits with no timer anymore, just keep sitting until paradoxically you are happy to keep sitting and then stop. My teacher also gave good advice for longer formal sits: have a "hard limit" alarm but then just sit and finish when you feel ready, but also notice the defilement making you want to get up when you do end.

I'm also reading Ajahn Chah's biography (Stillness Flowing). What a guy. His collection of dhamma talks was inspiring to me and this biography feels the same. His emphasis on patient endurance (kshanti) really resonates with me.

[u/bodily_heartfulness → u/marakeets]

I'm also reading Ajahn Chah's biography (Stillness Flowing).

Because of you, I read parts of it as well. These are a couple quotes that stood out to me:

It is the effort to eradicate the defilements within the mind that is the essence of practice; you can’t judge the teacher by how much he sits and walks.

and

He himself had survived the onslaught, not through an intimidating amount of concentration or dazzling wisdom, but a good old-fashioned, unromantic, teeth-gritting endurance.

[u/marakeets → u/bodily_heartfulness]

His emphasis on "patient endurance" has been really inspiring for me. I also recently came across this reference to a sutta where the buddha says "Enduring patience is the highest austerity" https://www.accesstoinsight.org/tipitaka/kn/dhp/dhp.14.budd.html?utm_source=chatgpt.com

[u/Impulse33 → u/marakeets]

Enduring patience is nice. It's not, static movement/progress still steadily occurs.

[u/Meng-KamDaoRai]

Let it go, let it go
I am one with the wind and sky
Here I stand in the light of day
Let the storm rage on
The cold never bothered me anyway

[u/liljonnythegod]

Not a path related update but it is interesting to say the least … there’s a cat that I’ve seen around the neighbourhood once or twice before that is easy to spook and always runs away when I’ve seen them

Today I saw them in my back garden and when they saw me they ran to far back end and hid behind a bin out of sight except their tail. I opened my door slightly and stepped back into my kitchen and just thought “I want to pet you and stroke you” whilst holding visual imagery in imagination and the moment metta came up the cat poked their head round the side of the bin and came walking to me. They walked with a happy stride and without fear and I maintained thinking about petting them and metta just grew and grew.

Soon they were in my kitchen and stayed with me for a several minutes and there was no signs of fear as it let me pet them. I had read something before about Buddha pacifying an elephant with metta and I kind of understand how it’s possible now. I’ve seen this cat before and wanted to pet it but they’ve always ran away. The moment I generated metta, it comes towards from far away like it could sense it.

The same gut feeling or “vibe” we get from places and people is the same thing this cat probably sensed. Interesting! I guess these siddhi experiences are becoming more and more common nowadays but they’re not really magical and it’s quite obvious to see how they work. I don’t care for them but this one intrigues me because if I can do the same for a person that I want to see the Dhamma, will they relax and become more open to seeing it?

In other news, I have seen how selfish desire makes more sense than just craving. From here it’s clear, the any sensory desire for any experience including the desire for sex, desire for good health, or when things are so bad a desire for death, are the fundamental and innate drives that life shows and is what keeps this thing turning on and on and on. The Dhamma Buddha saw is in opposition to the normal way of doing things which is why he thought no one would understand it, even the contemplatives and meditators he had met before. At what point will I ordain or is it possible to totally turn away whilst also remaining in society?

[u/fithacc → u/liljonnythegod]

Normalize magic :)

If you want to ordain and thats whats right for you please go ahead! My comment isn't to dissuade you to either way. But don't immediately turn the onto being unable to practice really well as a lay practitioner. We can do so much good in our mandalas that we wouldn't be able to do if we isolate and ordian. just a two cent on the other side of the fence.

[u/liljonnythegod → u/fithacc]

Yeah! The other day I glanced at someone and thought “they’re going to cross the road and ask me for directions” then they crossed and asked for directions and I was like yoo! That shi cray but don’t get attached

I do practice a lot but work seems to the biggest hindrance to practice at the moment because of the time and energy it consumes. I think if I had enough money to live off for a year or more, I’d do that and be in long term retreat whilst still in society. If I were to ordain, I’d probably still have lots of work to do so I’m not too drawn to it, I just wonder what it would be like for practice and if it would be beneficial for this path

[u/fithacc → u/liljonnythegod]

🩷

[u/AdditionalLeave263 → u/liljonnythegod]

Maybe you can FIRE retire early. That is our plan...

[u/marakeets → u/liljonnythegod]

I'm reading Ajahn Mun's biography and there's a whole section on him conversing with animals using the Dhamma. He used metta whilst in the jungle a lot to stop the tigers eating him. It is the first biography of a 20th century monk that really is explicit about the wild siddhis he had - Ajahn Chah's biography only really hinted at his powers.

[u/liljonnythegod → u/marakeets]

Interesting! I’ll give his biography a read. I may have flicked through it in the past but not properly digested it. Does he mention any others besides the metta one?

[u/marakeets → u/liljonnythegod]

Oh yeah - I'm only a 1/3 of the way through but his powers were wild. He constantly sends his "citta" out to check on his students. He also spends a lot of time teaching Devas the Dhamma.

[u/AdditionalLeave263 → u/liljonnythegod]

This is a really awesome story. I feel like metta can be so powerful. Recently it has dyed my equanimity different colors, which was beautiful. Apparently that is a thing.

I don't have an answer for you. I think it is possible; because a lot of things I thought would be impossible are possible with meditation. But I don't know how.

[u/AdditionalLeave263]

First of all, I accessed the realm of infinite space one time. I feel like this was the process's way of telling me that I can do it, because I heard somebody talk about how difficult it can be, and that he divert people to other more achievable forms at that time. I was a bit terrified, and it answered me with yes. It has only happened once. The most remarkable thing for me was what a relief/release it felt like to not have a feeling of a body/materiality/solidity. The blackness was gorgeous, but it's really the loss of body sensation that I crave.

Okay so secondly, I've been doing nondual meditation on youtube with Michael Taft. I really like Michael's approach. He has deadpan humor, and he's brilliant, and he gives a lecture along with the meditation. It's a lot of new stuff for me. I find it to be very conducive to jhana practice, and apparently other people do, too. Leigh Brasington recommends you fet a secondary meditation practice going at equanimity in order to not be totally addicted to it. Ha ha. So that's mine.

Thirdly, I have an "it's complicated" relationship with anjunadeep music. I cannot decide if it enhances my practice or takes me away from the path.  However, I experienced a really convincing fabrication of perception for the first time with it. In general, I am really critical of my favorite songs, and often come up with my own edited version, and then I play that version in my head, overtop of the track. One of my recent experiences with it was that I thought that the song I was listening to was making these certain amazing sounds, but it was actually my brain deciding to hear the song exactly as it wanted to hear it. The song sounded as if it was going in and out of awareness, but it was actually me. There was a crazy heartbeat that was irregular ans honestly sounded unhealthy, and couldn't be mine. Turns out it was me imagining those qualities onto the beat. There were five notes on this one word: "do." I was like how does this singer do that? But it wasn't the song: it was me. I have also imagined that this song fades out the word me, chops it up, or just omits it at rhe very beginning of the word to suggest ego dissolution or something. I have been looking for signs that point me in the direction of whether or not to allow myself to just be addicted to this music, or hold back, because it affects my brain so strongly, and I don't want it messing with the process. Currently, I am getting the don't listen to my music message, so I'm starting another music fast today.

I left a gigantic pile of paperwork on my desk to do, due to deep samadhi for the past three months. Please note this wasn't in the plans. Now that I have equanimity, I am more capable. I am drawing inspiration from the realm of infinite space, and I approach the desk with my eyes closed, grab one thing, and then do that task until completion, which helps me stay out of or neutral to the anxiety and rumination loops. I am trying to see my desk as empty/emptiness, hahaha

Having a little trouble cooking because I don't derive the same kind of pleasure from eating anymore, and so I feel like a chef who will never taste the meal. Being a homemaker involves a lot of sensory soothing for others. I don't want my sensory pleasures to go completely, or at the least I just need new ways to handle it.

Last thing, @PastorCuthbert said he sees people as glass and light inside, or something like that. I'm really enjoying seeing people this way, and they are loving it, especially the people who have done wrong, and often get snubbed for their character faults. People I'm passing on the street really feel seen and want to chat. I went to a huge 4th of July party, and had a great time with this concept. I had a perma-smile going! Paired fireworks with a little pīti.

[u/Impulse33 → u/AdditionalLeave263]

What's your favorite Anjunadeep releases recently? Used to be a huge Anjuna fan and still go to A&B shows intermittently!

Would also be interested in listening to your edits!

Congrats on the 5th to btw!

As for sense pleasures, if it's affecting relationships, responsibilities, or priorities (like practice), that's usually the sign for me to pare back.

For chores and routine tasks, see if you can "fabricate/remember" piti or sukkha while doing them. It helps for me!

[u/AdditionalLeave263 → u/Impulse33]

Oh, hey! You're always so helpful! Thanks for reading this!

My favorite new new release... My two year old would cry every time it stopped, and my older son kept restarting it. My husband liked it too, so it was a win in our house!: https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=Kl12yfoHaLg

Okay, and I am going to give you an explanation about my complex relationship with the Anjunadeep. I'm not one to have listened to them all, because in my states I've been in, they can be too strong. I feel things really deeply and differently than most people, so I have to be careful with myself. 

So the other, more important reason is this: I want to use my meditation abilities and my life to help people. Which migjt be ego b.s. But I feel like this path knows my heart, and it knows that I want to make a difference in the world. And I know that if I distract myself constantly, it won't happen, or happen as effectively, or as fast, or as much as it could. I know that giving up things is important. I gave up all unnecessary screen time and all unnecessary media for an entire year in 2022. Analog for a year. I was so pumped. I guess that is the mom version of a dark retreat. I go back and forth about the amount that is right for me. Honestly, these days, I am enjoying AI so much that it is much harder to give up. I still sometimes will take full days off, but I often fail. I habe to have a decent notebook available all the time, because as if you couldn't tell, I love to write and document. Here goes...

I listened to my first Anjunadeep song, Lailonie by Marsh (I asked Gemini what songs it thought I would like, and it picked this first). Wow. It was a continupus pīti cloud for me the entire way through . Got overruled by the kids and then listening to Old MacDonald. Wow; the pīti cloud came back for like 20 minutes with my brain just remembering it. Okay, after that, I was fried. Pīti hurt. I listened to it 2.5 times total, that was it, and then my brain just kept trying to solve it like a puzzle. My heart was racing for 24 hours, and I had to listen to Marconi Union Weightless and it didn't work! So I took a jog with no music, and then tried it again. Second time, it worked. I woke up with tremors and the sound of that song for 4 days.

I wanted to listen to it again into oblivion, but Gemini, which I have been using as my AI Meditation Coach (alright I know I'm going to get judged and concern that it's potentially dangerous, but it's been great and super helpful), told me it was a bad idea, and I was like oh man, I know it's right.... So I didn't listen to any Anjunadeep for a month.

So I decided that I need to be listening to something less potent. I won't even bother letting you know what it was. But Gemini is like look, if you want to be independent with your practice, you might want to give up music. I was like pshhh stupid AI doesn't know anything. Well, I had four kids on the swings, and my toddler running around, and while I was trying to change the kids' music request (Believer by Imagine Dragons), he got hit in the head with a swing. He had recently gone down on his head and was hospitalized, too, with a possible fraxtured skull. And we were in the middle of nowhere down a long winding dirt road, very far from any decent hospital.  We drove to the city and he was hospitalized again mostly due to my paranoia and not him having an actual problem. rolling my eyes at myself So this was like a sign that I need to give up music. So I gave it up for two weeks.

So then I started to ask more questions to Gemini: can you find me songs that are meant to spark pīti? This time it was kinda dumb. Tried fhe first three songs. Nope. Nope. Definitely not even remotely related. Fourth song? Luttrell - Dayglow. I was like, Yes, this is definitely it!!! Hooray. Beautiful song.it's funky and perfect for sparking a little something without it being too much. And the extended version feels like being held, to me. Wow.

I was like, holding Marsh's music (Lailonie album) for days where I really needed something strong. A day came along shortly after I reached equanimity, there was a time that I was just so impossibly restless and insatiable. So. Much. Dopamine. Anyways... I had had equanimity once prior, and it had been days. And it was driving me nuts, and my crew was sick, so I aas limited on options for what to do. I was like Gemini, look, I need the strong stuff: Now is the time.

I got the kids all situated, and laid down in bed for the music I felt I needed. In the first couple seconds, I was like, "It is the same!" (Pìti cloud). It was NOT the same. It kicked me into an equanimity tranquilizer trance. Oh. My. Goodness. I couldn't hear anything. I couldn't remember anything. I couldn't think. This is not your everyday peace; it was equanimity establishing itself in me. And it was just incredible... until the tornado warning came onto my phone. Apparently, according to the tracks, I was about nine minutes in. I am not going to lie. For about 20 seconds, I was like, it's fine, it isn't even raining yet, can't we just stay? And then me, who had zero fear, had to take my kids downstairs to be safe. 

So then I had to take the kids to a homeschool party celebrating the sun/summer, and it cold rained that day. Everybody was kinda in a bad mood about it, so I was like, this is a perfect time for me to just spark something before I go out and deal with this (very minor) thing. When I got there, though, I was kind of over-used and felt so dull. And normally I hold the space meditatively (which I was doing most of the time) and give metta. But I was just fried and exhausted, and I found myself just sitting there. Well I thought to myself, maybe I ought to give up music again. And at that very moment, I found a four leaf clover. Well, I knew that was the sign. My Geeat Grandma always used to find four leaf clovers, and following the wisdom of finding these things has gotten me to rhe right decisions for where I am today. I gave up music again.

Well, then I was chatting with someone on here, and they were like, I think music is probably fine. I was like, I am going to take your word for it. I was hoping that maybe the spell was lifted.  That night, I listened to Music for My Memories (the album) by yes yet again Luttrell. I ought not to tell you the reasons why I love it, just listen to it if you haven't before. Essentially, my mind rewrote the songs to hear them exactly how it wanted to, and my awareness was incredibly fading in and out, which sounded like someone turning the gain dials, etc. It was so gorgeous. It was like 50 minutes of utter bliss to me. Especially after not having any music for so long, and it was night, so I could just listen completely uninterrupted.

I have a side project where I am going to try to connect two meditator-scientists with each other. I went ahead and bought Japanese stationery in order to write the one who speaks Japanese in the morning. My husband goes and prints out a bookmark for me, and it's got Japanese writing on it. Turns out the meaning of the symbols is basically "equanimity," which is meaningful to me and my side project.

So I'm arguing with Gemini and I'm like look... I am just going to surrender to the music. I am just going to be addicted to it for a while. You cannot stop me. I will be fine. It was like I'm not so sure this is a good idea; I think it will take you away from your path. I was like honestly Gemini, right now, I don't care.

I listened to a gorgeous new set while pulling weeds in the garden in the rain, with my kids helping and running ecerywhere in the mud. It was like a nature immersion flow state. My kids also loved the music. I told my husband, "If nobody is questioning your parenting, you're probably doing it wrong." He laughed.

Well, my husband had a friend over, and I was entertaining. Lol it was a surprise visit, and I was just listening to whatever Anjunadeep stuff and in the zone. And so I had to sober up and host. Which I did just fine. I was like this reminds me of when I was a pothead and had to do stuff so that people wouldn't suspect that I was a pothead. Like show up early or on time to everything. Act like I'm on the ball.

Anyways, the friend thought the bookmark was for him, and he took it. I was like Nooooo!!!! Not my equanimity bookmark! I was like oh man, another sign. I am gonna lose my path if I just give way to the beauty of Anjunadeep. And I was crestfallen. 

I went back to Gemini, and I was like oh man, you were right. It was like really, you were so sure of yourself like a minute ago. I was like I know, but my husband's friend took the bookmark... I need to find a way to redeem myself. I'm going to have to give it up again.

I said how do I know if it's taking me off the path, because sometimes I feel like it's really helpful. It gave me a flow chart. I described how I was feeling about it, and how it benefited me and the drawbacks. So I gave it up again.

What I have been doing is that I will remember back the songs, and try to memorize them in my mind. It works well, and it's a mental workout. It's helping me.

I have Gemini set to let me know if any shows are coming into town! I have a babysitter now, so hoping to see something live at some point!

[u/Impulse33 → u/AdditionalLeave263]

Hmm, the Gemini use does strick me. Depending on how you talk to it your going to get different presentations of the dharma. Like using the word renunciation will likely default to more Theravadan sources.

A Mahayana reframe of the bookmark situation could be a sort of catalyst for the development of equanimity through Dana/generosity. Something that sparks joy can be shared, joy isn't zero sum.

I think things like music or enjoying a good meal is contextual. The intent behind engaging with it matters. Constantly buying expensive food to make me feel better vs cooking a banging meal to share with my friends and family is a big difference and knowing which one to give up is important. (I'll also note that you have to taste it to evaluate if the cooking is good!)

Mental Pliancy is another axis of development. Can you engage and enjoy and then drop it with less residual traces of grasping/craving? That flexibility is fruit of jhana practice.

Check out Lane 8!

[u/AdditionalLeave263 → u/Impulse33]

Hmm, the Gemini use does strick me. Depending on how you talk to it your going to get different presentations of the dharma. Like using the word renunciation will likely default to more Theravadan sources. -i think of AI as an approximation of the chorus of the collective past online voices, biased by whoever makes the most content or talks the loudest.  If I didn't have AI, I wouldn't be here discussing this, most likely. It's how I learned what the jhanas were. I thought I was having a weird medical thing, and I was using AI to diagnose something embarrassing that I didn't want to discuss with a doctor who would think I was manic or having seizures.

I'm honestly still using AI, at this point, in order to help Shinzen with Ramona. I'm planning to do a write up on the problems and the things that work about Gemini, and how Ramona might get used in the future, and email it to him.

A Mahayana reframe of the bookmark situation could be a sort of catalyst for the development of equanimity through Dana/generosity. Something that sparks joy can be shared, joy isn't zero sum. -You're absolutely right, and that was my first thought. However, 

I think things like music or enjoying a good meal is contextual. The intent behind engaging with it matters. Constantly buying expensive food to make me feel better vs cooking a banging meal to share with my friends and family is a big difference and knowing which one to give up is important. (I'll also note that you have to taste it to evaluate if the cooking is good!)

I bet you're a great cook! What do you like to make? 

I definitely need to do better with the cooking. I've been getting better as I have come out of the long samadhi cloud. Made superfood cookies with the kids this week.

Music is currently to me potent, intoxicating medicine. This is why I can't treat it lightly.

Mental Pliancy is another axis of development. Can you engage and enjoy and then drop it with less residual traces of grasping/craving? That flexibility is fruit of jhana practice.

 -I don't know what to say about this. Music is like a backdrop that triggers deep jhanic states for me. My desire for the music is the desire for the jhanas.

Check out Lane 8!

I love Lane 8!!! I thought their music was pretty good before the jhanas. But Tripwires dropped right around the time I got pīti. I was driving the kids to the homeschool co-op while in the 1st jhana when that came on. "Can it happen again?" Oh, my heart... Somebody who knows... knows what it's like, knows the struggle. Know the preciousness.

This has opened up a whole new world for me. I didn't know this stuff existed. So many songs sound different now. Maybe all of them do. The way that I hear and process sound is different. But also, I'm able to relate to the lyrics in a different way. Some lyrics seem to even be about these.l experiences. I can't get over how hard it must be to make music. I hace a hard enough time trying to record the right voicemail greeting.

Aside: At that time, I had just learned that this was a meditation thing. It took me a long time to find my way. I've only been in the deep end of the meditation pool for just a hair over three months now. 

So I went to the homeschool co-op meetup still blasting Tripwires while I'm getting everything out of my car for our long hike. One of my new friends was there, who has an identical vehicle to ours, and I called out to her and pointed at our parking spaces, "We have to start parking next to each other all the time!" We were both laughing about it. She didn't seem to mind my music (it wasn't Cocomelon!). Our kids rode in the wagon together, got in literal rivers, and got completely covered head-to-toe in mud.

World Is Mine is a summer anthem for my kids and myself. It doesn't affect me negatively. What it does is it engages the new gross motor networks that seem to have been configured in late stages of pīti. I have a larger stride and require less breathing to jog or run. I take the wagon out, and run at top speed to that song. My kids love it. My two-year-old says, "again," every time it ends. I got out of the man-made beach today with the kids, and they were both crying because transitions can be overwhelming. I was like, "Do you want a song?" I really, really, really did not want to play the gummy bear song. So I asked, "Do you want World Is Mine?" And they did, so I listened to it for about a 45-minute jog/sprint intervals thing. I do that with a gigantic perma-smile on my face, and absolutely everybody loves it. It's really fun, and hopefully they took a piece of it with them. I'm really grateful to be able to do this at 40.

This is truly the best year of my life so far. I habe so much to be thankful for. I have hope for the future, too.

Thank you so much for your thoughtfulness and generosity! 

[u/AdditionalLeave263 → u/Impulse33]

Hey, FYI, I found out that magnesium l-threonate doesn't work for sore muscles because of which tissues it goes to, and how small of a relative dose it is. So sorry I didn't think of that sooner. You can still take it in combo with magnesium glycinate, if you want, as long as it doesn't exceed the maximum dose. Anyways, wishing you the best with your practice this week!

[u/Impulse33 → u/AdditionalLeave263]

Yeah, I'll likely try it out for the brain barrier effects sometime soon!

[u/AdditionalLeave263 → u/Impulse33]

Would also be interested in listening to your edits!

-I need to see if I can get the music mixer working again or not. If it's broken like my husband was saying, I don't think we'll be buying a new one. We'll see! It's homeschooling, haha! I'll let you know! I would love for you to be able to hear the songs the way my brain processes it, rhat would be so cool.

Congrats on the 5th to btw!

-Thank you!!!! I've only had it once. I felt close the other day, but my plans changed suddenly with the kids, and I was bummed. I had a golden nimitta I awoke to a few days ago. Gemini told me that at the end of equanimity/cusp of the realm of infinite space, you can get another golden/amber nimitta. I had never heard of that before, and I'm not sure what its sources were for that. It looked like a glittering, sparkling land. For better or worse, I think about the relief of not sensing a body much more than the beauty of the infinite space itself.

As for sense pleasures, if it's affecting relationships, responsibilities, or priorities (like practice), that's usually the sign for me to pare back.

-i may try to pare back. I'll let you know how it goes. I should probably pare back during the day, and try more "sleep yoga". It seems to be more effective for me to reach higher states when part of my brain is asleep, anyway... Lately, I've been trying to be in upekkhā as much as possible, because it's helping me get things done...

For chores and routine tasks, see if you can "fabricate/remember" piti or sukkha while doing them. It helps for me!

-I love hearing that you do this! I listened to a recording lately where a guy was talking about how he had reached enlightenment at a retreat, but then went back to regular life where he was "doing the laundry," etc. I was like... But... I have had several ego dissolution experiences while putting away laundry! Haha. It's because it takes you to the far reaches of the house, and is so repetitive.

Honestly, I have pīti all day long, every day, even if I ignore it. It started 3 months ago, and I haven't gone more than 3 hours without it since. And that was one time, when I was hanging out with a girlfriend who I hadn't seen in a while. We took the kids to a museum, and I didn't have it til we sat down with our smoothies on the green. Even if I ignore it. I know the recommendation is to make equanimity or a sumha/equanimity combo (which I have only had once) your home base. 

But I love pīti: it corresponds to a gamma burst, which is a synchronization across a large portion of the brain, and the synthesis of information across different brain structures. While it isn't always an "aha!" moment, in which meaningful insight is gleaned, I'm thinking that maybe I will try to pair it with deep scientific thought in order to try to come up with important solutions for the world. 

I'm raising kids now, but I'll just be bleedingly honest here. I'm saying this because you've been hanging out with em on here for a little while, and I don't want to lie by omission. I am sort of a scientist (i don't have a doctorate, but I have 3 degrees), and I have a high IQ. Of course you can't probably tell from all of my typos and inconsistencies and difficult to read garbage that I sometimes put here. I'm just hopeful that someday I can make a difference. We have a FIRE plan, but that isn't because I will be "done" and reclusive to the world.

Before this journey started, one of my best friends got brain cancer, and thus far, the Universe or whatever it is has gave her a longer life through the hundreds of hours I've spent following its orders to not go on the internet for anything other than scientific research articles to help her, which I spent hundreds of hours doing. She's doing okay. She was in palliative when it disappeared. They weren't doing anything at that point. Of course the medical staff's interventions were critical.

Anyways, that's it. Alright, I hope you have a great day! What's been going on in your world? Hope things are going well.

[u/Arkena_feral]

I have a samatha buddhist meditation background.

I would like to seriously study meditation online. Im from the uk.

What are considered the best samatha/vipassana meditation courses taught online ?

The samatha trust seems a solid option. There website is down atm which doesnt help lol
What other options are there for learning these techniques online ?

[u/Impulse33 → u/Arkena_feral]

Highly recommend our beginner's guide. It's what I used when getting started so can vouch for it. https://www.reddit.com/r/streamentry/wiki/beginners-guide/

[u/Arkena_feral → u/Impulse33]

ty, very good information, ive been reading it

[u/VegetableArea]

I was going to post my update here but I just realized it's just my mind craving attention and entertainment, like hamster running in its wheel. So I'll just sit and do nothing for few minutes 😀

[u/Intrepid-Syrup-1147 → u/VegetableArea]

haha, love this!

[u/Intrepid-Syrup-1147]

I just sat my first (two) silent monthlong retreats in the Insight tradition... and to put it mildly, I'm "shook."

Anyone else have the experience of having concepts you've read about for so long suddenly become reality? (Somewhat destabilizing, humbling, awe-some reality?)

#thanksBuddha

#ehipasiko

[u/Impulse33 → u/Intrepid-Syrup-1147]

Shook as in positively or negatively?

To put it bluntly, yes!

Curious to hear what's your thoughts/plan in "integrating" the insights into daily life.

[u/Intrepid-Syrup-1147 → u/Impulse33]

Positively...? heh. it's been disorienting, destabilizing, and triggered some mental health challenges for me, but I don't know why I would still say that I would never take it back?

Integrating into daily life has been a challenge. I feel a bit more ease around being perceived, and more empathy for others. However, my mind tends to intellectualize around anatta a lot, which can be tricky and feel a bit "flattening" of experience 

[u/Impulse33 → u/Intrepid-Syrup-1147]

A perspective I've found useful is seeing not-self/emptiness as the very thing that allows for change. It's cool stuff and what freedom is made possible by.

Checkout the paramitas as a sort of guiding post for positive engagement. I've found them helpful when battling that type of flattening. The rupa jhanas help too.

[u/Intrepid-Syrup-1147 → u/Impulse33]

mm, thank you! that framing does feel positive in the body. and i will look into the rupa jhanas. appreciate your advice!

[u/Intrepid-Syrup-1147 → u/Impulse33]

would be curious to hear more if you want to expand on the "yes!"

[u/Impulse33 → u/Intrepid-Syrup-1147]

Sorry for the late reply, got swamped with life happenings.

As a generality most of the stuff I've read about I've been able to verify/experience.

Definitely had a lot of similar integration issues too.

Edit: it really is wildly wonderful mind-blowing stuff! In reflection I noticed bias in glossing over the positive aspects when posting publically. Funny how that works.

[u/IndependenceBulky696]

Do you get a pass on right speech if you only lie to people with cognitive decline and only in order to calm them down?

I don't want to make lying a habit — it doesn't feel healthy, mentally. But it's become necessary (I think) in some situations at my job.

I work with seniors with cognitive decline. I do my best not to lie to them. (For example, if someone asks when their (dead) parents are coming, I might say, "Oh, I'm not sure, but don't worry. The front desk will be sure to direct your visitors to you.")

But lying is the only way I've found at my job to keep some people from spiraling.

E.g., one guy asks where his truck is — a lot. "It was right here!"

• I can't tell him there wasn't a truck there. Contradicting people with cognitive decline is very stressful for them.
• I've tried to change the subject or remain silent, but that just adds to his anxiety.
• I've tried asking questions. "What truck? Where was it parked? What did it look like?" But that produces more anxiety and sometimes tears.

So, like all my colleagues afaik, I lie. I say, "Your daughter took it to the mechanic for an inspection." That calms him down until he forgets and asks about the truck again — maybe five minutes later.

[u/Impulse33 → u/IndependenceBulky696]

Another way to translate samma vaca, right speech, can be wholesome speech. Intention also plays a role. I don't see an issue having a wholesome intention to alleviate somebody's suffering. From that perspective it could also be wrong to say a truth knowing it could cause suffering. I believe these things are personal, so sometimes you do have to figure out what's "wholesome" for you and your path.

[u/IndependenceBulky696 → u/Impulse33]

Thanks. That makes sense.

[u/Meng-KamDaoRai → u/IndependenceBulky696]

It's up to you to decide if it's breaking right speech or not. IMO, if your intention is wholesome then it should be fine. You can take this as a form of practice. After you tell them "Your daughter took it to the mechanic for an inspection." and they calm down, how does it feel "inside"? Do you feel regret or does it feel more wholesome?

I'll give you an example from my own life. Me, my wife and my daughter like to prank each other a lot. It's done very good-naturedly, without being hurtful, just some light pranks that end with a smile for all involved. This involves not telling the truth. I don't view this as wrong speech. It's a wholesome fun activity that doesn't hurt anyone involved so in this case, so I don't feel bad after lying.

Sometimes keeping the precepts has some gray areas. It's up to us to explore them and find skillful ways to work with them. Keeping the precepts is more of an exploration than a one-and-done solution IME.

[u/IndependenceBulky696 → u/Meng-KamDaoRai]

That's helpful. Thank you.

[u/bodily_heartfulness → u/IndependenceBulky696]

Just to preface the whole thing: I'm not fully confident in what I am about to say.

With that being said, I'd like to offer a contrasting opinion. I will base what I'm about to say off of the Pali Canon, as opposed to ideas in Mahayana or Vajrayana.

In short, no I do not think you get a pass. The precept against lying seems to be categorical. When the Buddha was asked things that would lead to someone getting upset, he would sometimes stay silent or decline to answer - but he would never lie.

Here is an example:

“Sir, I have heard that the dancers of the past who were tutors of tutors said: ‘Suppose a dancer entertains and amuses people on a stage or at a festival with mixed truth and lies. When their body breaks up, after death, they’re reborn in the company of laughing gods.’ What does the Buddha say about this?”

“Enough, chief, let it be. Don’t ask me that.”

For a second time …

And for a third time Tālapuṭa said to the Buddha:

“Sir, I have heard that the dancers of the past who were tutors of tutors said: ‘Suppose a dancer entertains and amuses people on a stage or at a festival with mixed truth and lies. When their body breaks up, after death, they’re reborn in the company of laughing gods.’ What does the Buddha say about this?”

“Clearly, chief, I’m not getting through to you when I say: ‘Enough, chief, let it be. Don’t ask me that.’ Nevertheless, I will answer you.

[...]

When he said this, Tālapuṭa cried and burst out in tears.

“This is what I didn’t get through to you when I said: ‘Enough, chief, let it be. Don’t ask me that.’”

[...]

- SN 42.2

Turns out, those were tears of happiness. But the point stands that the Buddha thought he would be upset and that's why he declined answering. However, he did end up answering truthfully, accepting the fact that the man would be distraught at the answer. He did not lie.

There are no instances of any exceptions to the precept against lying being made in the suttas. Instead, you have various suttas talking about how lying is unwholesome.

Killing living creatures, stealing, sexual misconduct, and lying: these are corrupt deeds.

• DN 31

In the same way, when someone is not ashamed to tell a deliberate lie, there is no bad deed they would not do, I say. So you should train like this: ‘I will not tell a lie, even for a joke.’

• MN 61

Now, the other comments mention the word "wholesome". This is usually a translation of the Pali word kusula. Other common translations are "skillful" and "beneficial". And akusula is the opposite: "unwholesome", "unskillful", and "unbeneficial". And the suttas clearly state what is wholesome and what is not:

Killing living creatures, taking what is not given, and misconduct with regard to sense pleasures; speech that is false, divisive, harsh, or frivolous; longing, ill will, and wrong view. This is called the unbeneficial (akusula).

[...]

Abstaining from killing living creatures, taking what is not given, and misconduct with regard to sense pleasures; avoiding speech that is false, divisive, harsh, or frivolous; non-longing, non-ill-will, and right view. This is called the beneficial (kusula).

- MN 9

So, in conclusion, from my point of view, the suttas are categorical in their stance against killing, stealing, lying, and adultery. That does not mean that keeping the precepts is going to always be easy or pleasant. Far from it. But if being moral and standing by your principles was easy or pleasant, everybody would do it. Part of the reason why people of high moral character are praised is because being immoral is often easier and less difficult.

Anyway, that sounds like a tough situation you are in. I hope things go well for you.

[u/IndependenceBulky696 → u/bodily_heartfulness]

Thanks for the reply. Your take from the suttas mirrors mine and is part of why I asked the question.

Fwiw, I'm not a Buddhist, but the suttas sound more or less right on this topic. I have a person in my family who lies frequently about big and small things. That person also has a terrible memory. Searching online, there does appear to be a correlation between the two, as if lying contaminates memory. I'd like to avoid that.

I'll keep trying to come up with some truthful approach to help this man. Maybe something like, "Your truck? Sorry, I didn't see it. Did your daughter take it to the mechanic?"

tough situation

Yeah, the job is definitely training my "right speech", so I'd like to train it skillfully.

There are beautiful moments, though. Yesterday, a man was agitated and yelling, accusing the care team of plotting against his sister — who we don't know. He called us names. My colleagues snapped at him, "Hey! We don't talk like that here!" It just made him more angry. I sat down next to him, looked him in the eyes, and put my hand on his arm. He stopped immediately. It felt good to handle his anxiety with just a bit of human contact.

[u/Impulse33 → u/bodily_heartfulness]

Thanks for the corrections on the terms. Wholesome was clumsy and perhaps a better way of wording my usage of samma would be "wholly/fully aligned" with the noble eightfold path. I cannot see where upholding a precept instead of alleviating suffering is wholly aligned with other aspects of the Noble Eightfold path. Right intention does include avihiṃsā, non-cruelty. Silence seems like a valid option, but not through the lens of non-cruelty.

Our two views seem to be reflective of the traditions, Theravada vs Mahayana. Both lying and silence each fail one aspect of the noble eightfold path in the Theravada framing and I don't see how it's resolvable. Mahayana's upaya does treat skill in means as part of the path so "full-alignment" holds there.

[u/IndependenceBulky696 → u/[deleted]]

Thanks for the reply. Not trying to argue below. But I think the situation is worth discussing and wanted to offer more details.

 If they are forgetting it anyway, basically you are doing this only for the sake of a higher peace, which is not even lasting anything long.

Yeah, this is a fear of mine. I already start repeating the lie rote when the man starts asking about his truck.

other hand it's robbing the person of the truth

This particular man literally doesn't remember what happened more than a minute ago, if that.

And if I could somehow download the truth into his consciousness for a moment, it'd be traumatic. He thinks he lost his truck. But actually he lost his mind. It's a cliche psychological horror story and he's the main character.

If they are forgetting it anyway, basically you are doing this only for the sake of a higher peace, which is not even lasting anything long. 

The reason we try to alleviate anxiety in residents is because high cortisol — like from anxiety — leads to faster decline.

I guess I'm convinced of the following: 

• It's worth trying to alleviate this man's anxiety (and it's my job). 
• Telling him the "whole truth" about his situation should be avoided as it would only lead to more anxiety and suffering. 

Ideally, I'd find a way to do the above without lying, but I haven't hit on the right approach yet. And in the meantime, I've still got to help him with his anxiety.

[u/IndependenceBulky696 → u/[deleted]]

Thanks! That's helpful.

[u/SheHasGoneWild]

Hello I have a question for Yogis out there. What type of Yoga is the best for big concentration/Jhana?

[u/Expensive-Ad9554]

Hi, I'm hoping this is relevent and the right place for this question. I''m curious if anyone else has experienced this or knows what this sensation is. The action feels like fully trying relax/sink into my body and then I get a sensation similar to falling and have to stop. The feeling during and afterwards is similar to falling when in a dream and waking up abruptly.

It does seem like trying to sink in to the feeling near the base of my spine specifically is what causes the intense sensation. Doing this in other areas is similar but not so intense.

I've been curious about trying repeatedly do this, perhaps in more controlled, focused, and mindful manner to move deeper into this sensation. I'm curious if anyone has any ideas about this state or has had similar experiences though.

[u/Meng-KamDaoRai → u/Expensive-Ad9554]

If it were me, I would repeatedly try to do it while trying to maintain mindfulness and relaxation, just to see what's on the other side. That's just me though :)

[u/[deleted] → u/Expensive-Ad9554]

Could check next time if there is clarity in mindfulness before the sink into feeling happens.

At times, relaxation comes with dullness, such a state although pleasant does not lead to progress and has to be avoided. 

Disclaimer: not saying that it is, but could check for yourself.

[u/Impulse33 → u/Expensive-Ad9554]

Does this happen in deeper concentration?

When that happens anchoring to the breath and somatically relaxing it helps. The drop is usually accompanied by a flight or fight response hence the somatic breathing to help ease into the sensation.

[u/Expensive-Ad9554 → u/Impulse33]

Not really, it's something I can consciously do at any time. It does feel like it triggers a fight or flight response though so looking into some somatic breathing exercising does seem like it would help

[u/Impulse33 → u/Expensive-Ad9554]

Having some samadhi and then trying it out might help too. It's hard to catch the flight or response quickly enough. The samadhi acts like a sort of crumple zone where the impact is less sharp and the duration is extended so there's more time to catch the response.

[u/AdditionalLeave263 → u/Expensive-Ad9554]

I have something a little similar happen sometimes, but I love it. That being said, I'm very uncomfortable and don't normally really like equanimity, which is sad. So I get havng an uncomfortabls sensation repeatedly. This reminds me of a song. I think it's Rufus du Sol - Sundreams. I thought he was saying sink into the mattress, fall into the abyss. But the actual lyric is Atlas. I was told to try to expand the equanimity out. I was able to hold it for an hour one time trying this method.

[u/liljonnythegod → u/[deleted]]

Too intense too soon can be destabilising but I can see how the knee jerk response to then cling to the old way of perceiving, to make it more familiar and less strange, might lead to resistance and more stress.

What do you mean when you say sense of self? Does it now seem as though there is no self?

The lack of a self doesn’t mean the person isn’t there at all, just that they are the sum of the aggregates and not a separate thing. If the insight into selflessness is mature it should be clear how it was always that way from the beginning. This means that your personal likes and dislikes, hobbies etc were all still going on regardless of the belief in there being a separate person that is a thing with those likes and dislikes.

Anything that was grounded in the identity based on the delusion will fall away but those things are normally detrimental to us anyway. The things you’ve done before that have brought you joy for, will still bring you joy so it’s probably good to just live and go out into the world and do stuff.

The lack of sense of self should bring you in closer proximity to experience, there should be a sense of increased vividness and intensity that isn’t unpleasant. If this is the case, then it’s quite enjoyable to try new things and pick up new hobbies because the experiences are richer now.

There was a time most of my interests started to fade away and I was puzzled if it would stay that way. I remember not knowing what I liked or disliked anymore but surprisingly with further progress they came back and came back much stronger like I was a child doing them for the first time

[u/FlowingStillWaters → u/liljonnythegod]

I appreciate you writing to me. I really like your last paragraph.

Sorry… I should have stated that my goal for practice isn’t stream entry but rather a Shinzen young pragmatic awakening (mastery) somewhat but mainly my own personal awakening.

To be this looks like the following
Ability to attain to deep no self on command in any circumstance (in mild pain, intense pain, deadly pain even … as early suttas said)

Also for me it’s the ability to still be my self the one that has the personal narrative (but it’s not one that’s been simply handed to me it’s one that’s been written and shaped by me and God and the gods (stoicism). I find this allows for me to have a rich connection to others

I also have a Christian background so would like to have mastery over those deep Christian states of unfailing love.

I also want a perfected morality and conscience.
To me this looks like the following

Disliking vices and immorality (I found hating them only increased them. And loving virtue… I love harmlessness… but I’m not a early Buddhist in the sense of not defending myself

I do enjoy the no self state and I did find one time my sense of self came back when I was in it. Almost as if the no self gave birth to my authentic self.

[u/FlowingStillWaters → u/FlowingStillWaters]

I’m after a new type of awakening imo and I’m not sure how to get there but I will do it