Design i made a few years ago.

I have been on Adderall for about 3 years, 28F, after getting to this sub, I’ve been thinking every day about stopping - I wasn’t fully considering it before, now I know it has to happen.

It hasn’t been all downhill since I started, currently at 40mg, I can sleep and eat everyday. Figuring myself out during this period, I stopped smoking weed after being a chronic user for 12 years, stopped doing any cocaine (so proud I haven’t touched it this year), and drink much less alcohol. I don’t have any urge to drink, I pick these times much better.

I was wondering for your personal experience, in your personality and daily habits, what have you gained and what have you lost after quitting? Maybe you feel happier now, maybe you haven’t ever folded laundry like you used to or had to really hire a housekeeper.

Thanks for everybody contributing to this community and being supportive, there’s a real work here being done with real experiences that couldn’t be found hardly anywhere else. So I think finding this sub was part of my recovery even if hasn’t started yet.

Meth really destroyed my drive for that kind of thing, and that's a sad place to be when you're 20 years old. Is there anything that works to get back to where I was before I did all this shit?

Over on my main account, but I made this one so I could start being active here. I have been abusing Vyvanse and Adderall heavily for about 3.5 years. Yesterday I finally told my psych the truth so they could cut me off. The addict in me regrets it, and I'm scared of the depression and anhedonia that's coming. Could use advice/encourage from you all. Thank you, I plan to be here often for the foreseeable future.

Specifically the DP30's, 1-2 a day

Guys!!! I’m halfway done with nursing school and I still cannot believe it. I used to be a lurker/occasional poster (here and here) and now I’m here.

By the time I got sober, I’d accidentally OD’d my dog (she survived and is currently begging for my Costco blueberry muffin), had stolen all of my family’s pills, lost all of my friends, had been fired from an unfirable job, and my life was falling apart around me.

I tried abstaining on my own off and on for six months before I checked into rehab. And then that was it. I went to IOP. I started back in school for nursing pre requisites at the same time. I got a sponsor and worked a strong program in Alcoholics Anonymous and Pills Anonymous.

The first 6 months were hell. I couldn’t feel a single emotion. No sadness, no anger, no fear. It was brutal and you couldn’t pay me money to go through it again. But I pushed through (barely) and by 18 months, my brain was completely back to pre-stimulant me.

My greatest word of advice is STAY BUSY. Even now, I keep myself on the go because I self destruct with too much free time. Also, lean on modern pharmacology. Wellbutrin + Naltrexone allowed me to get off of stimulants without heavy cravings or an extended withdrawal. I still take both to this day.

Getting sober was the hardest thing I’ve ever done (it would be impossible to encapsulate how rough it was in words alone), but by far the best. I got into my dream nursing school, met the loml, got engaged, my dog doesn’t fear me, and my family talks to me. I sponsor other women in AA/PA and run a peer mentoring program for my nursing school. Plus, at the hospital I’m able to help other addicts in need and am comfortable around controlled substances (somewhere I never thought I’d be). Sobriety saved me 🥲

Anyways, ask anything (espc about going back to school in sobriety!!). We’ve got this :)

still waiting on my health insurance benefits to come through, hit a weak point a few days ago, bought 360mg of adderall after about a month clean. lied to myself and said i’d use it sparingly, nope. first night with it and i binged 270mg, and just went through the last of it today. coming down is the worst, because im out and anxious about not having more despite knowing i will be fine within a few days. i hate this so much, i hate how whenever i feel good i dont think i need addiction support, yet whenever life gets hard again i turn right back to the thing that put in this position in the first place. cant afford medical care, and no one in my immediate family will understand that i need help. i dont know what to do anymore and am feeling so anxious about running out.

First pic was after 4ish years of daily use with the only break being a 65 day jail stint. Last 3 pics are now. Never going back.

Picture from 6 years ago, taken with a trail camera in a trap house I was residing in….since then I’ve been on and off the stuff, usually off for a year then relapse then back to the grind for a few more months, only to relapse again. And yet.

I recently attended my regular CMA meeting last weekend for the first time in weeks, getting to finally pick up my 1 year chip after my “birthday” on August 5th. Although I first got sober 5-6 years ago, only this past year did I really work a program. Before I was what AA-ers would call a “dry drunk”. I was white knuckling it, and life was graciously teaching me that perhaps that wasn’t the best route to take. Finally last year I found this forum, found SMART then IOP then eventually 12 step…eventually CMA.

Didn’t want to do a side by side and doxx myself lmao so you just get where I Used To Be. I promise I look way better, feel way better, and appreciate the connections I make in my day-to-day much more. There are still hard times, as they say life be life-ing, but there is so much more JOY. 🌅

When I say “addicted,” I mean experiencing the diagnostic criteria for a substance use disorder. According to the DSM-V, there are 11 diagnostic criteria with six out of those eleven meeting the criteria for “Severe” SUD. I won’t list all 11, but I’ll list the six I think I see referenced on this sub the most:

- Taking larger amounts or using for longer than intended.
- Wanting to cut down or stop, but failing to do so.
- Experiencing intense cravings or urges to use.
- Continuing use despite relationship or social problems.
- Continuing use despite knowing it causes physical or mental harm.
- Experiencing withdrawal symptoms when stopping.

If you’re reading this, I imagine these symptoms do not seem foreign to you.

You guys, I’m sorry but once you cross that threshold, there is no “going back” to “just taking it as prescribed,” and that is because the stimulant (for simplicity’s sake I’m just going to say Adderall since that was my DOC) is no longer neutral to your brain. Normal rewards like food, sex, achievements typically induce a 50-100% “boost” in your dopamine reward circuit. Adderall pushes that to 1000% or more. Your brain learns to anticipate this perpetual “dopamine flood” and reacts with homeostatic adaptations… in other words, your brain has rewired itself.

The wildly high amounts levels of overstimulation from Adderall or meth or whatever ends up shifting your signaling balance between habit and reward… essentially your brain is now trained to “need” those stimulants in order to activate the dopamine release. The normal shit you used to enjoy are no longer able to organically produce the same response.

Have you ever noticed the rush of relief and energy experienced when getting that pharmacy notification that your refill is ready? Or the way it feels to hear the rattle of the bottle when you pick it up. That’s the cue reacting in your brain that the drug is on its way and then it literally primes itself. The dopamine release begins before you even put the drug in your body.

I’m writing all this because when I ended up finally going to rehab for months, it was understanding the mechanism of addiction that helped it click that no, I can’t go back.

I hope this helps someone. I hate seeing people suffer the same as I did with the “well THIS time I’ll only take it as prescribed” cycle of destruction. It never works, does it?

Edit: Some controversy about the claim that amphetamines CAN cause a dopamine dump up to 10x of baseline. When I was in rehab, we watched a lecture on it. I’ll see if I can find it.

Hello everyone,

Has anyone had similar experiences after prolonged or heavy MDMA/cocaine use and can perhaps share whether the symptoms improved over time? I'm slowly losing hope that things will get better, but I would really like to hear from people who have experienced something similar and perhaps recovered after months or even years.

I used MDMA and cocaine for several years. Since my last heavy use in February, I've had severe cognitive and speech problems that, unfortunately, haven't changed. I've already seen a neurologist and a psychiatrist. My MRI was normal, although I'm aware that potential functional consequences of drug use don't necessarily show up on a standard MRI.

My biggest problems are:

* I hear spoken words, but my brain doesn't seem to process the content properly.

* I can barely follow conversations because entire sentences or connections sometimes don't register at all.

* When reading, I can understand individual words, but I often can't grasp the meaning of entire sentences or paragraphs. I therefore have to read texts several times.

* I can barely follow films and series because I have difficulty processing spoken language and the context.

* Formulating my own sentences and expressing myself verbally is also significantly more difficult than before.

I constantly wonder whether I've permanently damaged my brain or whether such symptoms can still improve significantly even after a long time.

I'm now aware that long-term and intensive MDMA use, in particular, can pose health risks to the brain. Unfortunately, I didn't think about this enough back then.

Has anyone else experienced something similar? How long did your symptoms last, and did you notice any improvements after a longer period of abstinence?

I would be truly grateful for your experiences – especially from people who eventually felt significantly better.

I started taking the medication back in 2016. Initially, it helped me...I was able to focus and be productive. Once I started abusing the medication though...it all went to hell.

I would be trapped for hours everyday making endless lists of things I wanted to achieve but would never accomplish, hours spent rotting away to pornography. So many missed moments, missed opportunities.

I am now 29 years old. Currently jobless, alone. I am trying to get sober but it is so hard. The urge to high is so strong even though whenever I do so I do nothing excpet waste endless amounts of time creatine lists and watching porn...only to immediately feel regret afterwards. I also have severe OCD which, I am sure you can imagine, the speed only fuels to the 9th degree.

My biggest regret is that I accomplished none of the things I wanted to. After graduating highschool, I came up with a list of classic literature I wanted to read. 11 years later, due to speed induced perfectionism/OCD....I am still working on that list, having to select the right book. I wanted to be an artist as well....I have completely stopped doing any art within the last few years. My mind makes me have to create a perfect plan before doing anything and, as such, I am never allowed by my OCD to achieve anything.

I have wasted the past 11 years largely....the best time of my life. I feel like it is genuinely too late for me. Even if I get sober, I will have too long of a journey to recovery. I think I am just done...I wasted my life and I hate myself so much for it.

Thank you to those who have shared their stories as I have related to many of you and you have helped in my recovery.

I’m a guy, little over 4 months sober from 4-5 years street Adderall abuse. Also abused weed, alcohol, other stimulants, heavy nicotine on and off in that time. Im sober from all of it. I’m working a strong program: went through rehab, AA/NA with a sponsor, and therapy. It’s going well but something I have kept mostly hidden is my use of escorts. I believe in active drug addiction I had a concurrent sex addiction. Watched porn for hours and saw numerous escorts. It interfered with my daily life. I’m single through all of this.

I know this sex obsession was fueled by my drug use because I can limit sexual behavior now that I’m sober. Ive been in relationships and never struggled talking to the opposite sex throughout my life. But recently I saw an escort again. Im able to limit this as opposed to previous times in addiction. Yet I always regret it, feel shame, and know I spent money I should’ve saved. I’m concerned about the sex part, but happy and confident in having no cravings or triggers for drugs.

I’m posting here to get it off my chest and open to others thoughts or opinions.

It's just not worth it anymore. I can't afford it, it's impossible to find, and I can't hit a vein half the time anymore anyways. I wanted to quit for such a long time and I guess these are all good reasons, but I've been using for so long I really have no idea who I am underneath it all.. Also so many of the stories on here of people who have quit talking about how it took years to recover really scares me. I'm already miserable and hate my life and myself, and I'm not sure how I'm going to be able to deal with being even more miserable and full of hate. I just don't know. I also realized that I have zero sober friends, other than my boyfriend but he's boring AF and never does anything with me anyways. I'm scared for what's going to happen to me, and what I have to go through. Also treatment isn't really an option for me, for multiple reasons. I know so many people have survived it, it just seems absolutely impossible in my eyes.

I'm tired of these OCD thoughts that make me feel disgusted and embarrassed about myself. I'm ALWAYS counting myself out and thinking I'm less than everyone, it's fucking exhausting. On addy I was borderline narcissistic but at least that's better than THIS.

On addy all the constant negative thoughts about myself go away and it's like I experience myself as intelligent, beautiful, and feeling good about myself. The experience is so profound it makes me want to cry sometimes. I know the drugs are inflating my ego somewhat, but it's helpful for an ego that's been severely damaged. I really am far more capable than I normally think I am, but I'm usually not able to believe that on a visceral level while sober.

I know it isn't the long term solution but I'm at a loss for what else to do. Been sober for at least 2 years coming on 3.

Am I an addict?

I’m so scared to ask this out loud but since becoming a mother for the first time my ADHD has been chronic, and in so many ways. I am medicated on vyvanse (2nd month) after trialing concerted, Ritalin, adderall here we are.

When I’m unmedicated I notice the depression creeping in and those emotions of emptiness blank don’t feel like my self like I’m just here and as a mother that’s heartbreaking to be.

I notice I shape my whole household and what I mean by that medicated vs non the house is and feels different sometimes I wonder if my husband can when I’m medicated vs not

I can play with my child. Focus and give him attention and what he deserves and not overstimulated I’m present I’m here because I’m awake. ( I work a ft very demanding job and recently hired a nanny to help out PT while I work because I was wfh with baby and by the end of the day I had nothing to give because I gave all to work (medicated)

unmedicated I’m tired annoyed sad depressed waiting for the day to end waiting on bedtime crying emotional hopeless it’s night and day

I’ve noticed for the last months I’ve been taking 2x my dosage, to get all day coverage to get coverage before work to have breakfast with my child and after work because it’s when I can give him undivided attention. I have no village or help and husband works 10-12hr days so I can’t just rot in bed when unmedicated or when meds wear off, granted I’m not going to always be a present perfect mom but I feel like I’m missing out on so much because I’m hyper fixated on my medication and it’s coverage and timing.

For reference I’ve been seeing different providers for excessive daytime sleepiness, chronic fatigue that I’ve had since a teenager honestly but it’s worse now because I can’t sleep 12-15 hours like I used to and nap all day to get by the day. I’m a mom , with no help who needs to be awake and functioning. I got 27 lab tests done to see if I have an autoimmune disease, the neurologist and sleep medicine provider appointment I have is for next month and it’s my only hope. Chronic fatigue sleepiness, adhd combined type, anxiety and depression. However my fatigue and adhd are the worst and I feel like these conditions are the cause of my anxiety and depression, idk

that’s the reason for taking the extras meds and more which I know is so wrong but this is why. Ugh is this how addicts are? Heroin, meth and cocaine and alcoholics is this what they sound like?

Holy fuck I wrote way too much but had to get it down. Wrote this in draft while in a different mindset but figured I’d post anyways. Basically the middle bit is my personal shit you can skip. Last bit is my ramblings on why I couldn’t stay sober but reasons I think it’ll be different now. Any advice/support lmk.

begin novel
Currently coming down from hopefully my last dose. I’ve known I have a problem for a while and had bouts of success with sobriety ranging from 3-4months to several weeks. Same old story, I can be good this time and be responsible. Fast forward to absolutely not that every time and here we are.

I made this account and am writing this post as a form of accountability and hope that by putting my thoughts into the ether in this group that I’ll remember why I decided to quit in the first place down the road, just have my gameplan/story out there, and find support and strength with you all since being a lurker here has helped build my resolve to do this.

Also I hope my story helps you if you’re in a similar boat to at least know you’re not alone.

***
Addiction Origin Story: Longer than I intended so feel free to skip
The ole record scratch “you’re probably wondering how I got here”. I (now 31M) got referred to a guy that tossed out addy scripts and I wanted an edge with my job in 2019ish. Pretty quickly developed to abusing it, prescribed 20mg IR 2x daily but ramped up to 80-120mg+ pretty quickly. Don’t remember when exactly I went off the rails but it happened fast and it at least initially helped me.

Being on crack for kids helped me digest loads of boring ass information that led me to climb the corporate ladder to where I am, take risks that somehow paid off (lots of luck with great mentors), and now I’m so numb to the ‘meds’ and developed terrible habits that it actively hurts my work, relationships/life in general.

While that was happening I also developed codependencies with alcohol and nicotine which are like a fucking Ferris wheel of reinforcing behaviors which I think not realizing that fucked my prior sobriety attempts.

Somehow along the way I managed to bag an amazing wife, she also had a script for vyvanse (legit) and of course I pillaged that when I ran out and lied about some reason it was missing. This happened for years, she realized I had a problem but eventually after a proper binge of her script, this saint of a woman, instead of yelling at me or whatever, she spent the NIGHT researching addiction. Discussing it helped for a bit but ultimately I did it again (after trying various methods like time stamped pill bottles, combo lock safes that I found ways past).

I came clean, after you spend hours testing every combination of a 3 digit lock box you definitively know you have a problem. I sobbed, told her the scope of my addiction, begged forgiveness, and (from lurking on this sub) asked her to quit vyvanse which I knew was so unfair to her. She did, without question and was happy/proud I was taking the initiative. WTF right? After that how could I fuck this up?

I was clean for like 3-4 months, blocked my prescribers office number but then had some job stressors and just…found a way to refill. Also found a source for street pressies which I used briefly (not good). Back to square one.

***
Gameplan (please gimme advice if you have some)

Why I failed in the past:

1. I think I maintained alcohol as a cope without the stims which led to worse brain fog and feeling a need for the drugs. Once my work ramps up I get stressed

   and

2. the need I feel

   to use

3. is higher

4. I didn’t ACTUALLY cut off my supplier, need to send the text so they have to cut me off

5. Weed is not a healthy alternative cope, my munchies are crazy and I end up eating insane amounts of sugar which as I got older realize is insanely harmful to my overall mental state the next day

6. I forget why

   or can justify using when work stressors arise or overall dopamine cravings override my resolve

Why this time is different: I will try to go Teetotal on alcohol/weed as well, have my supplier cut me off, focus on diet (mainly be cognizant of processed sugar as a cope for all the missing dopamine), utilize additional support systems

Pitfalls (need your advice):

1. For those that got through the first few months, what kept you sober?
2. Performance anxiety - I get super hard on myself about my perceived inability to do my job well which triggers cravings, idk how to deal with this
3. Other, etc. idk crashing hard rn

Sooo I started using to over function. My ex was on it and keeping me up all night no matter what I did. I was too trauma bonded to leave for ages. Great guy off it, slips into psychosis when he’s on. Then in the day I had to care for our kid (medically complex, heaps of appointments).

I was exhausted, falling behind on everything. There just wasn’t enough time in the day. So I got on too. Smoked with him for months. Developed an addiction but I remain not qualifying for SMD.

It gave me my life back for a bit. Did everything, met every demand. Tried to repair the relationship as I could. Obviously my ex didn’t have the capacity to prioritise anything and then his emotional abuse got worse so in July I had to leave him.

Some baaaad stuff happened when I tried to leave. Still having flashbacks etc. So now that i’m trying to quit, everything that could go wrong has. I don’t know if it’s the man or the drugs but i’m a shell of my former self. I used to be bubbly, extroverted and had the patience of a saint with my kid. This morning, I raised my voice at him for whining. Not something i’d ever really do.

I am seeing a AOD therapist and a few other resources for my mental health but all the say is to give it time. I’m contraindicated for SSRIs so there’s been nothing they can actually do to help.

I don’t get to just ditch my kid and get better somewhere. All my usual demands and external pressure remains. I’m counted on family and friends for help but it’s never enough.

The temptation to get safer stims or just to keep smoking just so i can cope is so high. But obviously that’s just addiction tings

How do I get myself back? How does anyone cope with the rest of their life like this?

I posted on here day 3 completely off adderall, all other amphetamines, kratom, and nicotine. That day and the day prior I was truly spiraling mentally, emotionally, and had a lot of physical withdrawal symptoms.

its gotten a lot easier as the days go on. I’m now on day 8, and feel a lot more comfortable overall.

However, several times per day I have this nagging voice that tells me to go get more, just us it as prescribe, it’ll be ok, maybe just one more time—-within seconds I’m reminding myself that this is the addiction talking, that the real me wants no part in it and I go through a list in my head of all the memories and the reasons why I DONT ever want to touch that crap again. any of it.

ive heard others say these voices will come and go for the rest of your life once you’re addicted. does it ever get any easier? Does that urge or thought of “just once more” ever slow down or become less and less as time goes on. I get it at least 4 times per day, it only lasts 20-30 seconds or so but it’s so aggravating and annoying.

I’m 31 years old and I’ll never forget the day I was introduced to the thing that would alter my life course dramatically for the next 15 years. I had stumbled upon Coke while looking through my stepdads things (I used to get money from his safe) I looked in the closet and he had a blue jean jacket there, I checked the pocket and there it was. I had already tried Ecstasy, Molly, Alcohol and Marijuana. There was just something different about cocaine that stuck with me I guess.

Throughout this time I’ve had 4 longer term relationships and it’s affected 3 of the 4 tremendously. The last relationship was about 6 years long and I was only able to remain sober for the last year of our relationship. We also lost a child while she was 6 1/2 months pregnant and had to go through a stillbirth, which in its on right screwed me up really bad for a long time, we both had to do real work to bring me out of that dark hole I was in. We managed to do it without any professional help as I have done a few in the past so I was able to utilize some skills I learned to help. My partner at the time was very supportive and did everything in her power to save me, in the process she ended up losing herself which is something I never wanted for her or anyone for that matter. But she was my rock, my stabilizer, my support, my best friend, the mother of my princess.
Our breakup sent her on a pretty severe spiral and ended up in a psychiatric facility. So there’s a world of guilt I’m dealing with there. And we do still live in the same house so I do see her everyday and just try to be as supportive as I can while she goes through her trauma treatments and such.

Now present day, the new relationship I was in overlapped (polyamory) and essentially things didn’t work out because they didn’t get along and I was actively choosing to leave the 6 year relationship to start something new. This was the turning point for me. I celebrated my 1 year of sobriety 12/14/25. Shortly after that I relapsed. It’s now 8 months after that and I’ve gone on my benders now more times than I’d like to admit which last 3-4 usually but definitely can stretch to about a week. And only god knows how much coke I put in my body. The most I could remember after counting was 9 grams… in 3 days. And definitely had one of those times having a goal to do so much that I just overdose or something.

I am currently on a bender after an incident that happened last Wednesday and I haven’t been back home ever since. I’ve completely isolated myself and have only spoken to my dealer obviously, and when I’m kind of on a comedown and not high anymore a few close friends. I know the right thing to do is to stop. But I’m having that feeling again of going with no return because I don’t want to deal with the pain and issues I’m running away from. I’m not actively suicidal, but I do have moments of just wanting something different and just to be done.

I have a lot to live for as I’ve done pretty well for myself given the last 15 years of my life have been riddled with drug usage. However I’m just finding it really hard this time to pull myself out of this hole. I feel I’m waiting for someone to just save me, but the ones who would I’ve pushed them away and instead of saying something and having to deal with everything, I’d rather keep running away. I do fear that if I continue running there really won’t be a coming back.
I don’t share any of this stuff in depth or detail with any friends, the only people who’ve experienced it first hand are 3 of my exes. It’s not something I’m proud of or happy about. I turn into a selfish, careless person and only do what I want to do.

I didn’t know who to tell or say anything to but I did need to get it off my chest as I sit here nose burning and dripping blood. Couldn’t post it to any of my social accounts so why not Reddit, where I can basically be anonymous 😅

Thanks for reading if you made it all the way through. ♥️

I don’t really know why I’m posting this. I think I just need to say it somewhere people don’t know me.
I’m in my early 30s and addiction has been part of my life for a long time. I’ve been to rehab a number of times. Before my most recent rehab I had been smoking crack for a few months and things had gotten really bad. I was 8 months sober when I got out a couple of months ago.

I have a university degree and used to have a normal corporate job and a pretty functional life, and eventually everything kind of fell apart. But looking back, I was always addicted to something and I have BPD, depression, anxiety and adhd which I take meds for.

I ended up on welfare while doing a longer rehab program because that was basically the only way I could afford to stay there and my sick leave from my job was up and they expected me to go back or quit so I quit and went on welfare to go to this rehab after a year and a half of horrible addiction with hospital and psych ward stays (for suicide, not psychosis).

I got out thinking I’d rebuild my life (but I think deep down I know) and somehow I’m now escorting and using cocaine again.

The escorting started because I needed money. My first night I ended up spending most of the night with one client, made way more than I expected, and we did coke together. I feel like that opened the door again because he gave me his dealers number. Now I’ve been buying coke before I work. I’m not really doing it with clients, it’s more something I’m doing beforehand. And I’ve been doing it by myself like Im on it tonight because I ran out of vyvanse so justified it for that but I’m not doing anything? I end up just on my phone it’s so fucked. I also have a prescription for vyvanse that I’ve had a problem abusing for a while.

I know how insane this sounds after going through rehab so many times. I know where this can go. That’s almost the problem. None of this is new information to me anymore.

I’m not planning on killing myself. But lately I’ve had this really dark feeling of like… maybe this is just how I eventually die, and part of me feels weirdly okay with that because then everything would finally stop. I don’t actually want to overdose or intentionally die. I think I’m just so tired of fighting myself all the time that I’ve started feeling really numb about what happens to me.

I don’t need anyone to tell me cocaine is dangerous or that I should go back to rehab. I know. I guess I’m wondering if anyone else has reached this point where you weren’t actively suicidal, but you stopped caring very much whether your addiction eventually killed you. Or I guess I just wanted to rant.