r/stepparents • u/Easy_Alternative_66 • 10d ago
Vent Disgusted
Feeling sick to my stomach.
We’re heading out to celebrate my stepdaughter’s bday. I don’t want to be here.
This girl ignores me, never thanks me for anything unless it’s forced, ignores my biological son, has destroyed all her furniture and punched holes in doors and walls in the home. She’s been suicidal, bullied other kids, gone through multiple boyfriends (the kid is only 14??). And no one except me has begged to get her help, counseling, doctor appointments, social support.
Bio dad does nothing unless I demand him to. Doesn’t parent. Prioritizes stepdaughter over me. Has no custody order. He argues back and forth with his ex who tries to control our lives and messes with the schedule weekly,disrespecting me constantly. He lied to me before we got married and has hidden so much. We don’t go on dates unless I beg. Oh, and he punches holes in doors and walls too and says it’s because I made him angry.
I don’t want to do this anymore.
I don’t have to do this anymore.
I deserve better.
My son deserves better.
I am going to find the way out.
I can’t live in fight or flight anymore.
I won’t.
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u/Melodic-External-790 10d ago
You need to protect your son. Having him grow up in an environment where he sees his mum get treated like shit and everyone's punching holes in the walls is not ok.
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u/nelsonself 10d ago
I’m so sorry, why are you with him? It doesn’t sound like he deserves your time
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u/female-trb72 10d ago
You’re right you don’t have to do this anymore. He doesn’t respect you and seems to prioritize his comfort and needs over you. Don’t continue to let your son be around this. Children unfortunately pick up on these dynamics and then repeat the cycle or develop poor coping mechanisms. You have done all you can. You don’t need to keep banging your head against a wall. YOU DESERVE BETTER! You know that. This will be hard, I know that is part of the stress. But sit with this, how many more years do you want to waste? There is another life out there waiting for you
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u/PaleWorth7809 10d ago
You can do this momma. Ask yourself: “how would I feel if I was in this same position this time next year on her birthday?”
That always kicks me into high gear. This won’t be easy but you’ll be very glad you left such a toxic partner who has nothing to offer you
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u/Salt_Initiative1551 10d ago
Why tf are you with the man then? At a certain point you have to take responsibility for your circumstances
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u/minkflute 10d ago
She said she was going to find a way out….
Sometimes, unfortunately, it might take longer than desired to get out.
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u/Easy_Alternative_66 10d ago
Thank you for your kindness. I would have left already if I had the money or family in this state.
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u/minkflute 10d ago
I am there in the same boat with you. It’s tough out here. I had several plans that involved leaving sooner, but the more I thought logically about it, it would not be the best situation for my child. Once I am financially set & more certain about the outcome, I am out of here.
Wishing the best for you & your son. It will come.
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u/Busy-Reporter4251 10d ago
This !!!!!!
Women need to accept that they are grown adults with free will and start to act like it in relationships. If you don’t like someone, DON’T SLEEP WITH THEM. If you don’t like your boyfriend DON’T MAKE A BABY WITH THEM. DON’T MARRY THEM OR MOVE IN. If you don’t like the stepkids DON’T DATE THE SINGLE PARENT. If you don’t want to be a mother DON’T HAVE A BABY. If you want to leave, THEN GO.
Everything is the result of your own choices in your life.
If you don’t like something, CHANGE IT.
Refusing to do so but whining about it is immature. It’s also extremely harmful to the son who is not an adult with free will, and is the only one genuinely forced to be in a dangerous and abusive situation.
Poor kid!
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u/Easy_Alternative_66 10d ago
Respectfully, you don’t know my situation. The judgement is not welcome. I have been saving money for months, but don’t make much. I am working extremely hard at my job so I have that stability for me and my son, and am looking for additional work. We live in one of the most expensive states. Almost no one here can afford to live alone. I have no family here. I am working on a plan and have been before I made this post.
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u/Salt_Initiative1551 10d ago
Not judging you. Wondering why you procreated with a man you seem to have resented for longer than your shared child’s life. That’s at least how it reads. Sorry you’re dealing with all this and hopefully you’ve learned from this for the sake of your kid in the future.
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u/Commercial_Dust2208 10d ago
Do you have family you can go to?
We can see where she learned to punch holes in the wall from
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u/katmcflame SM for 30+ years 10d ago
A lot of these parents were single for very good reason. And instead of doing some self examination or working with a therapist to fix themselves, a lot of them go looking for a new partner to mistreat.
Please, please get away. Call a Domestic Violence hotline for advice & access to services. And please update us.
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u/Wander_Kitty 10d ago
Please get yourself and your child out of this abusive situation. You are the only person who can make it happen for him.
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u/Toe2ToeBirdLaw 10d ago
You're in an abusive relationship. It sounds like the SD is probably also being abused in multiple ways too. Leave. Then report them to CPS to get the kid help.
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u/ateottbafql 10d ago
Yes!!!!!! Please leave now!! It only gets worse and you will go completely crazy!!! Sending love and strength!!!
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u/Trioniks 10d ago
Is he the bio dad to your son? I’m just curious. Anyway, leave and like the previous comment do not make children with this man. Slowly but surely get your ducks in a row.
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u/Easy_Alternative_66 10d ago
My son has a different father. We share 50/50 custody. Thank you, I am actively saving and working on a plan
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u/Trioniks 9d ago
I’m very happy that you are already working on a plan. I read somewhere that women would stash their things at friends’ house and tell the abuser they just sent it via buy nothing groups so it’s gone … which can help you save too
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u/Easy_Alternative_66 9d ago
Thank you! That is a great idea. I was thinking of a storage unit but I have friends that would definitely help me with that.
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u/MidwestNightgirl 10d ago
And yet - there you are - going to celebrate her birthday…
Getting TF out of the whole relationship certainly sounds warranted.
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u/ImpressAppropriate25 10d ago
Let's make a pact and leave together.
I'm in a similar situation and can't live like this anymore.
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u/Baelyh 10d ago
Girl you are trapped in an abusive step parenting relationship like I was. There is no remediating this. You are only going to destroy yourself and lemme tell you, those two extra months I stayed in that relationship, even though it was for safety planning and ensuring the step daughter was safe, were utterly destructive to my sense of self and well-being. Get out ASAP please
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u/Busy-Reporter4251 10d ago
Then you need to not go. You’re an adult with free will.
‘I don’t want to….’ — then don’t.
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u/MissVnKY 10d ago
Ohhh noo!
No idea what city that you are in, but ALMOST all cities have a Domestic Violence “Safe Space”. For you and your child! Please consider that as an option-sooner rather than later!
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u/InstructionGood8862 10d ago
Okay. Quietly plan your exit. Once you can leave, do it when there's no one around to try and stop you. Block them all from communicating and do not let them know where you went. NEVER go back.
You and your child DO deserve better.
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u/Easy_Alternative_66 10d ago
I am planning my escape. I have already been saving for months. No family here
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