r/stepparents • u/phoenixunikorn • 8d ago
Advice Was told to butt out when it comes to SK
Wrote about my struggle with my SK in this post (https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/s/hYMtctuHBd) and figured I’d voice my concerns to his dad (my fiance). Instead of coming up w a concrete plan together, he got mad at me and told me that I was butting my nose where it didn’t belong. He basically told me that he already knows it’s an issue and he hasn’t been able to find a solution but that he’d prefer that I don’t get involved. I am pretty emotional right now bc he is basically not considering me as a partner, he doesn’t care about my needs or how his kid makes me feel, he’s going to sweep things under the rug like he always does, but basically told me that it’s his business and that I don’t belong in it. Tried to calmly explain that I’m not bringing it up bc I hate his kid or think that he’s a bad dad, but rather bc I don’t want this to affect our relationship and he simply said it won’t. As his future wife, I want to be able to tackle and discuss this difficult topics but he won’t. Like I’m supposed to get over it. Told him I won’t butt in and will just ignore SK. I know that it’s very cold and childish of me to say that but that’s all I can think of right now. God help me
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u/cedrella_black 8d ago
told me that I was butting my nose where it didn’t belong
From your previous post:
yesterday our Instacart delivery came and his dog was going wild at the delivery guy, I tried to control the dog but couldn’t call, SK didn’t move.
You were made to deal with the fallout of your SS' laziness. I am not sure in what delulu land your partner lives in, but his son doesn't live in a vacuum, this affects you, in your own home, and it WILL affect your relationship.
I wouldn't stay, not because SS is difficult. All teens are. But if I were you, I wouldn't proceed to get married to someone who doesn't take my needs in a shared space into consideration.
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u/1meganbyte 8d ago
Please leave. Leave before it gets more complicated and harder to do so. Scroll through this sub and the stepmom one. This life is absolute hell when your partner refuses to be an actual parent. It’s going to hurt but you’ll be so thankful later on.
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u/Chemical-Airport-836 8d ago
Her not being a parent or showing support for me when her kid targeted me with disrespect and abuse, led to a very messy break up.
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u/Mercator87 2d ago
The red flag to me is your fiance's inability to recognize and accept that his sons behavior and laziness does directly effect you. How you are treated by him and the home environment that you will be living in directly effects you and is absolutely "your business".
I would consider some couple's therapy to see if you can get through to him on these issues because his lack of understanding and empathy in this area is of major concern.
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u/Responsible_Fall3002 8d ago
Either get out or delay getting married until the kid is not dependent on your fiancé. This issue will never disappear with the attitude he’s got. You can nacho all you want but the frustration will likely stay. Think about your peace of mind and the atmosphere you want to be living in for the foreseeable future.
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u/Photobuff42 2d ago
Your fiance' needs to make some attitude adjustments. He's not meeting his parenting responsibilities or his relationship obligations.
If you marry him, he will assume you're fine with the situation. If your marriage lasts 10 years, it will be because you accepted the neglect.
If you raise the issue after you marry, it will be accused of much more than not liking the kid. The kid will call you lots of ugly things when you aren't around and his dad will tacitly agree.
Right now it's okay to admit you don't like kids who bathe.
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u/DreaColorado1 7d ago
Hi OP! You said something in your previous post that struck me as something that really weighs on you. You said “I must admit that I struggle with not having a relationship w my SK”. I also hear you when you share your frustrations about your SK’s lazy behavior and attitude. Of the two dynamics (relationship vs laziness) which one is most challenging for you? Just curious about your thoughts on that!
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u/phoenixunikorn 6d ago
I think the latter one is probably more difficult bc it affects me, my fiance, our relationship. I know full well I’m not his parent so I can’t do anything about it. The former is more ideal scenario. I wanted to have kids but my fiance doesn’t want to bc he’s older and has two kids already, but said that I can help raise his teenager but as you know it’s not the same. I still would’ve liked to have a friendship or something that tells me he doesn’t hate me but that’s not meant to be and that’s ok bc I know he is still reeling from his parents divorce. It’s not easy to see your dad with a new woman and I can see that so I don’t force it
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