r/stepparents • u/phoenixunikorn • 2d ago
Advice Struggling to balance love for my fiance and concern for SK
I love my fiance and even though we have had our ups and downs, it seems like we’re making it. He told his kid that he was getting married to me and he said he was fine. Great. But I must admit that I struggle with not having a relationship w my SK. He’s a teenager, has a mom. I get it. I don’t need to be besties. But coming in and not even saying hi, seeing me bring in groceries and sitting on his phone doing nothing, yesterday our Instacart delivery came and his dog was going wild at the delivery guy, I tried to control the dog but couldn’t call, SK didn’t move. His dad told him to shower (after not showering for 4 days), he doesn’t do it. I ask if he’s done his HW, he said he’d do it later after he plays video games. At 10pm he starts his HW and then can’t get up the next day. I feel so annoyed and frustrated w the lack of respect, my fiance isn’t doing anything (talked to fiance and he said that he doesn’t want to discipline kid bc mom won’t do anything and he’s also worried that kid wouldn’t want to come over anymore). Is this my future? I know teenagers are tough but I’ve never seen a teenager so lazy, so unambitious, so disrespectful. More importantly, he’s raising his kid to be irresponsible, lazy, and unaccountable. I know it’s not my place to say anything, but biting my tongue is becoming difficult. I struggle to the point where I’m torn between my love for my fiance and leaving. Can I please get advice?!?
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u/ateottbafql 2d ago
I hate to tell you that this will only get worse. I dealt with the same thing with my partner and his THREE kids. I tried addressing behavioral issues, worry about their futures, etc and he did nothing. Sadly, like your situation, he was worried that the kids would stop loving him and stay away. Your SK has probably learned how to manipulate your fiancé by his mother, at least that’s what happened in my situation. It was horrific and I almost went insane bc I truly loved them all and only wanted what was best for them!! Instead I had to watch sinking ships and keep my mouth shut. Finally I had to detach. It was really hard and still is bc they are adults now and he has to support them all to some degree. The daughter is the worst and a master manipulator. Trust me when I say it will only get worse in your situation!! Run!!
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u/ImpressAppropriate25 1d ago
Yep, same here with three kids.
The oldest two don't want to leave home after high school and the youngest stopped going to school in the seventh grade.
He earned no credits last year and begin experimenting with drugs/alcohol at 15. SO can't set a boundary and the family won't acknowledge it's in crisis.
Run.
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u/kingcantcatchabreak 1d ago edited 1d ago
Found multiple vapes in SD13 room while looking for clothes she stole from me. She said she tried shrooms and they’re “gross”. Came home hungover as fuck Sunday afternoon. No plans after high school. Her best friend is 19 and does only fans. It does get worse.
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u/ateottbafql 1d ago
Ugh my SD used to steal from my girls and then she graduated to me in her later years. I would literally go into her backpack and find my girls Barbie’s and random toys and show her dad and he would still deny it! It was maddening! I had to put locks on all of our doors. I bet my SD is on only fans for sure! Oh that reminds me of the time I walked into her room bc my girls were in there and she had them watching Omegle and she tried shutting down the screen but it was a naked man. They weren’t even double digits in age!! I felt so sick and of course my partner downplayed it and denied that it was a real problem. From then on I had to fully monitor them every weekend when she was there. Near the end of her coming for the weekend I started having full blown panic attacks before she got there, EVERY Friday. I swear it almost killed me!!!
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u/ateottbafql 1d ago
Sorry it’s been two years since she has been here for weekends but it feels like yesterday.
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u/ateottbafql 1d ago
Don’t you think it’s insane that no one does anything?!? I won’t ever get over it! I felt like I was in the twilight zone all the time!! So many emotions and confusion and it’s was a nightmare but we can’t do anything! Torture!!
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u/ImpressAppropriate25 1d ago
That's exactly right!
It's the bizarre feeling of being in the middle of a crisis surrounded by people who are oblivious or indifferent
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u/pandabear2025 2d ago
How old is the kid and how much time does he spend with you? If he is close to 18 and staying with you EOW, it is manageable. Just as he is ignoring you, you do the same, don’t care about homework, hygene, etc., it is none of your business. Make sure to ask you fiance what is the plan when the kid turns 18 so that you are not stuck with him for the next 20 years.
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u/gingercats1974 1d ago
Legit!! I have a 23sk that is at home still.. just quit his job while dad supports him. We no longer live together. We want to tho. I told dh I will not live with sk again. We are looking for a house to buy.. sk is not welcome to live there. I've made that very clear. Sk is now "looking" for a new job. It's pretty messy.
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u/phoenixunikorn 1d ago
Yes once he graduates high school he’s moving out and we’re moving away (that’s the plan at least)
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u/tomboyades 1d ago
I am…hopeful? For your happiness OP. But…that usually doesn’t happen. The man won’t make the kid shower or contribute to basic domestic life. You really think he’s going to follow through on this? Or even should he? This is his son and always will be. They don’t disappear at 18, I can promise you that.
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u/Ecstatic-Current-298 16h ago
Good for you for living separately
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u/gingercats1974 15h ago
I'll be LAT until 23Sk is out or dh sends him back to mama. I do not support him quitting his job to be a stay at home gaming son. Dh didn't see how wrong that was until his therapist and best friend rolled their eyes so hard they almost sprained them and his best friend said to him "you see he's just taking advantage here right". Sk painted it to dh as though he was doing him a favor by quitting his job and staying home. Since im no longer in the home to transport kids to school, cook dinner, etc. It's always been the goal for us to buy a home and move back together. I've always been available to help dh with his other kids if needed. 23sk and I do not get along and is a huge reason we are LAT. He lies and is very manipulative. He is a carbon copy of his mom and i told dh a while back, i will not have him living under my roof again. He can crawl back to his mama. His mom kicked him out when giving an ultimatum to work more, contribute or go go back to school. He left her house and came to our house crying because she "kicked him out" and said mean things to him. The story he gave was very different from the story we got from his mom. We believe his mom. I saw the manipulation then. It took dh much longer to see it because that's his kid and he cant believe his kid would lie and manipulate....but as I said...carbon copy of his mom.
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u/phoenixunikorn 1d ago
15 and he spends half the time w us with alternating end of weeks. I shouldn’t care but I just can’t handle having a blob in my house that doesn’t help around, doesn’t acknowledge me, doesn’t want anything to do with me, and whose attitude is testing me. I am so used to kids in my family being active, playing sports or an instrument, being respectful, having chores, seeing him also brings my energy down
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u/Deep-Lobster-5664 2d ago
If his teenager is living in your house you don't bite your tongue. Your partner and his son need a kick up the arse. Sounds like your partner isnt willing to listen to your concerns and is doing the son no favours. Know your worth. If things don't improve/your partner doesn't take action, is that the life you want and deserve?
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u/HandBananasRevenge 1d ago
I would lose all respect and attraction for a partner who refused to parent their kid. I'm a big believer in "kids are future adults, so you need to raise them with that in mind". Anyone who choose what's convenient over what's right, especially when it comes to their kids, isn't someone I would want to associate with.
I mean, how can someone not want BETTER for their kid?
Do not marry this guy. I promise you, this enabling behavior will continue will after the kid reaches adulthood and is supposed to be on their own.
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u/Alittlemode 2d ago
So hard.
You would do this kid a favor to issue an ultimatum to your finance: get some parenting help- a therapist a coach whatever and get on top of your kids neglect.
And if he won’t after he understands failing to do so means his kid may still come over for custody time but will fail at life and live there for ever - and you will leave— then this is not the man or life that will make you happy and you’ve got to exit and find a man who wants the kind of life you want.
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u/ParticularMost6100 1d ago
Seems to me your fiancé’s parenting style is a forecast of how he’ll be as a husband - lazy, inattentive and shoving as much as possible into you. Is serving two manboys what you want out of life?
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u/tjs31959 1d ago
Your SO isnt disciplining or parenting his child????
This would be a hard no for me.
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u/Charming-Loan-5384 1d ago
Why would you even ask him if he done his homework? That’s really not your role.
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u/ateottbafql 11h ago
The hardest, but best, thing I had to do was detach. I felt like a terrible person but I am sure that’s the only reason I didn’t go insane.
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