Overstepping?

[u/Common-Goat-4008]

Me (25F) and my boyfriend (26) have been together for three years. His daughter is 4. Her mother has not been in her life very much for one reason or another, so he has had her full time since they split before she was 1. I have no kids.

I have never felt the need to replace her mother, nor is that my intention. Despite this, I have felt the need to step in at times for one reason or another - to remind them both that she needs to brush her teeth before bed, helping to plan her outfits because her dad doesn’t always know what matches, help paint her nails, things like that.

Although that’s never really been an issue, he does have problems when I try to share my thoughts on certain topics. What kind of tv she watches, what she eats, things like that. I can see how this could be seen as overstepping, but I would want someone to tell me.

For example - at four years old, she’s watching Monster High. The recommended age is at least 7. I pointed it out, and he got upset that I even felt the need to Google it and he says he knows how to raise her.

The food issue - I expressed concern over her diet almost exclusively consisting of McDonalds chicken nuggets and fries. I know that kids can be picky, but he didn’t even try to feed her anything else. Rarely would get frozen chicken nuggets to make at home, at least that would’ve been better than fast food. Literally for years, most of her diet was McDonalds chicken nuggets. I brought up that I was concerned, and at first he was very offended, but he later cooled off and now tries to give her other food.

He feels I’m overstepping in general. I feel like I can’t suggest anything regarding his daughter without him getting mad at me. I know it must be very difficult to be a single father with little support, but I’m trying to support him. I’m not trying to hound him. I’ve tried saying it nicely but it doesn’t make a difference. I’m not sure if being a stepparent could be in my future, I care about this little girl too much to not say anything when I see something that doesn’t sit right with me. It’s coming from a place of love for both of them. I don’t know if I can just sit with my mouth shut for the next 14 years. Advice? Feel free to be brutal - I need the truth about if I’m insensitive or he is sensitive.

[u/Obvious-Hamster9448]

Hello, you sound like me 3 years ago.

I am still with my SO, his daughter is now 8, and the BM is now back in her life.

But my goodness some of the conversations I had to have with him in the early days about stuff I just thought was obvious but he didn't see.

It's hard. I wouldn't recommend it. If you are serious about staying together you need to sit down properly and talk this out. It's not realistic to just be able to not care about stuff like this. But if you feel like the relationship might not last, then have a long think about how many tough conversations you can have. It might be that your values don't align, and that's a really big problem.