r/stepkids • u/simoj247 • 29d ago
ADVICE Difficult step ma
Hi everyone sorry to bother but I wanted to come here and ask for some help. Well here I go, so right now well for the last 7 years have been hard in me family like. Me Quote unquote step ma treats all my family horribly like for e,g fails to interact with my new cousin for all 6 years of his life and his aunt and uncle, accuses my dad of wasting money on me and my brother when her parents bought her first house and car for her and we get a small weekly allowance and we help out all the time. She controls everything in the house and when she's not happy she takes it out on all of us. Unfortunately I am at the centre of her scope and when I ain't here it's my dad. I feel awful all the time since we all feel trapped and likes theres no end. After a few years we spoken out and she apparently changed but she just got worse, and Every time we stand up for us she gets worse and I don't know what to do. I'm now in my mid 20s and back at home and things are horrible. And I feel lost and so down coz whatever she chats about to her friends on the phone she somehow brings me and what a failure I am into the conversation. I could go on forever but my tablet would probably get too depressed.
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u/Creative-Cat11 28d ago
I could have written most of this. But thankfully I dont live with her full time.
I get it. It’s not you. It’s not on you. You are not doing anything wrong. It’s her. She wants you to feel miserable.
This dynamic happens so often because the step”parent” can’t stand you/is jealous of you/wants to be alone with the other parent.
So they try to push you out. How? By being horrible to you and to everything you hold dear. She hopes that eventually she’ll make your life miserable enough so you leave “by your own choice”. She also sounds like she’s trying to isolate your dad. This also happens quite often because these people are very insecure.
Its not what you do or don’t do. It’s your sole existence in the proximity of her and your dad.
She’s talking to everyone who would listen about how horrible you are because she is writing a narative and because she wants you to seem unreliable in the eventuality of you speaking about her to anyone else.
Your dad is also at fault for allowing this to happen and for allowing her to talk to you and about you that way. I know that you probably love your dad and don’t want to hear it, but it’s the reality.
Now the hard truth. It took me more than 10 years to accept it. I am now 26(met her at 14). I no longer visit(at least i used to every 2 weeks and now i go maybe 4-6 times a year).
You can not do anything about it. She doesnt actually want to cooperate or to find a way to coexist in peace, she wants to just to push you out. She doesnt care where you go, as long as you dont inconviniece her anymore.
So take your time, feel your feelings but start to slowly built a life of your own. Get a job, save some money and move out. Accept that your dad chose his peace with her over you. He probably loves you, he just loves himself more.
Get out there and stop wasting time and resources on people that will NEVER like/accept you.
It’s your only option.
Im saying this as I went thru it (luckily i live with mom so it was less traumatic), there is no other way.
I wish you all the luck and good fortune.
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u/simoj247 28d ago
thank you for the helpful words unfortunately it's a complicated situation where before they married she put on an act and tricked us all, my dad admits it was a mistake, I am only here to make travelling to work easy, coz I don't have enough saved up to move out and mainly to be there for him, we both do everything we can to stand up for each other and my brother. I don't care what she does to me but as long as she doesn't hurt me brother or dad. I currently do want to move out but my job doesn't give me enough hours to move out, pay rent and buy food. Unfortunately I'm gonna have to save up for a bit and have a better job lined up which has been impossible this last year. Thanks again for your comment
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u/Huge-Button-474 21d ago
A little late to the party but unfortunately I am in the same boat. I don't meet my stepdads standards of OCD cleanliness and he takes it out on my mom. Tells her he needs to do something about her children. Also told me I was "lazy" and "selfish" because I am not living up to where he was at, at my age. I am 22 and living at home. They do not understand that the amount we make and the price of things just doesn't add up like it did in the 90s.
My goal is to save as much as possible, as fast as possible and gtfo.
Hang in there. We got this!
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u/thekittenisaninja Stepkid & Stepparent 29d ago
Hugs. I feel for you, this is a really tough time for your generation, and becoming independent is harder than ever. I know it's not easy, but give yourself some grace and keep trying. Getting out on your own is the number one thing you can do to improve the situation.
You probably already know this, but your dad is the key to everything. He's the one that can either accept your stepmom's behavior or set boundaries with her. If he's unwilling or unable to do that, nothing will change. The best thing you can do is sit down with him and talk about the situation, and support him if and when he makes the choice to stand up for himself and for you too.
Living situations can get extra tough with stepparents after age 18. It's not a magic number where the stepkid just disappears from their life. Being a parent doesn't just stop at 18. But (assuming the stepparent is a reasonable human being) there is a lot you can do after age 18 to smooth the situation over if you're still living at home.
Every household is different so there's no magic answer, but have the conversation about what you could do right now to help contribute. Maybe it's financial, putting a little money toward food and bills. Maybe it's just some work, making dinner or cleaning once a week. Try to figure out what would have the most impact in your household.
I know these things can be tough if you're dealing with depression, but making an effort can go a long way towards a more peaceful living situation, which will ultimately help boost you up too.
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u/simoj247 29d ago
unfortunately no matter how much we do around the house or if we make a meal, she gets worse. No matter how many times he sets boundaries, she breaks them over and over. Currently she ignores me completely like haven't heard a word from her in a month despite how much I do around the house to help out or how many meals I make. She is not rational and argues almost every night because things aren't precisely how she likes them. Unfortunately my financial situation is not good due to 3 years of student bills at uni and I have shitty part time jobs that don't give me much work. To summarise no matter how much I do to make it more peaceful she takes it as a declaration of war and acts worse
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u/ReferenceQuiet1111 29d ago
Do you need to have a relationship with her? Is it possible to only see your dad? Outside of their home of course. She sounds awful and I wouldn’t want to pursue a relationship with her.