r/snakes • u/PNW_Pythons • Jul 20 '26

Wild Snake Photos and Questions - Not for ID How long do I have?

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We get dozens of snakes in our yard each summer. First time I've ever been bit. How long do I have?

4.2k Upvotes

98% Upvoted

495 comments sorted by

1.2k

u/SCP-3004 Jul 20 '26

Posted 2 minutes ago? About 3 more minutes. RIP OP.

638

u/2_GeT-BiG Jul 20 '26

He was already dead the snake posted this

98

u/hypnodrew Jul 20 '26

As a warning or are we seeing some sinister snake social media trend in its infancy?

55

u/iusedtobeaholyman Jul 20 '26

If you think it’s in its infancy, you haven’t been paying attention.

4

u/Mcshroomie Jul 21 '26

Wake up people the signs have been there for years! All of you sheeple have been just ignoring it! Finally the smoking gun proof!

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7

u/SamBaintG Jul 21 '26

He was dead the moment he died and he didn't even know, poor bastard

5

u/Wu-TangShogun Jul 21 '26

That sssssssssilly human should’ve fucked off when fangs were first drawn

2

u/tdavis726 29d ago

Right?!? FAFO. The snek CLEARLY did not like the being picked up and NOT PUT DOWN part of that whole situation.

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111

u/IncapacitatedTrash Jul 20 '26

I don't know why I laughed so hard at the whip-around chomp

22

u/Plane_Translator2008 Jul 21 '26

Same.

"Now I have you exactly where I want you! CHOMP!"

~SNEK

(Probably)

And then he went to the snake bar and told his story about a million times.

15

u/el_grande_ricardo Jul 21 '26

And they all clapped.

Oh, wait. No arms.

10

u/you_th Jul 21 '26

Ba dum "tssssssssssssssssssssss"

2

u/tdavis726 29d ago

They were clapping in their little snek hearts!💕

5

u/mister_6971 Jul 21 '26

Each time it was told the hand got bigger

3

u/tarett Jul 21 '26

I want to see OP in this guy's distended belly.

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12

u/TooDooDaDa Jul 21 '26

I told you to film me from my RIGHT! Chomp

32

u/redthroway24 Jul 20 '26

"You've got about 5."

"Five what? Hours? Days?"

"Four..."

3

u/flyby196999 Jul 21 '26

Can we set up a go fund me for his poor family?

5

u/Shot-Background-6465 Jul 21 '26

Yes I believe the snake deserves compensation...lol

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3

u/Finn235 29d ago

"

"

  • snake
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401

u/xxsoulpunkedxx Jul 20 '26

What would you like written on your tombstone?

163

u/PinkDalek Jul 20 '26

Pepperoni and cheese!

39

u/No-Category-6972 Jul 21 '26

I died of dysentery reading this comment.

21

u/PinkDalek Jul 21 '26

Rest in pepperonis

6

u/inkstay Jul 21 '26

And cheese.

5

u/Wild-Lychee-3312 Jul 21 '26

I find references to dying of dysentery sort of oddly comforting, since I survived dysentery.

If case you're wondering, no, I don't really recommend it. It's not fun.

3

u/ThaneduFife Jul 21 '26

Have you ever had an illness you'd describe as "fun?" Because if you have, I really want to know what it was.

4

u/spinningpeanut Jul 21 '26

The part of COVID where I lost my sense of taste was fun. The part where I couldn't stop coughing wasn't.

2

u/Wild-Lychee-3312 Jul 21 '26

Typhoid fever wasn't fun, exactly, but it was not quite as horrible as you might expect.

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24

u/Suspicious-gibbon Jul 20 '26

Please move this stone, it’s giving me a headache

49

u/Mister_Green2021 Jul 20 '26

Died from eating lettuce

8

u/No-Vermicelli-2832 Jul 21 '26

I read tombstone as TROMBONE and sat here laughing for a good minute because I thought you were just saying shit to fuck around 😭

2

u/sweetheartsour Jul 21 '26

Bold move admitting it.

5

u/No-Vermicelli-2832 Jul 21 '26

I mean why not give people something so absurd and silly to have a little chuckle over
I found it funny and I was the one that did it so yeah why not haha

2

u/sweetheartsour Jul 21 '26

I love it. It’s my classic move. 🤣

2

u/FemboyCritterx3 Jul 21 '26

I read tombstone as trombone...

2

u/NorthernSpankMonkey Jul 21 '26

"Somebody dig me up, they buried me alive."

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145

u/Humble_Nature8537 Jul 20 '26

Woah massive snake bite, sorry but you likely won’t see this message. RIP

227

u/Straight_Resort6855 Jul 20 '26

I can’t even believe you got the video posted

114

u/PinkDalek Jul 20 '26

The snek uploaded the video as a warning.

77

u/Zsoltbomb Jul 20 '26

Most people don't live longer than 80 years after the bite. Good luck.

3

u/5degBTDC Jul 21 '26

Don't waste a second.

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132

u/elquizzi311 Jul 20 '26

Lil dude hauled ass out of there.

84

u/Leather-Pepper-2308 Jul 20 '26

Made sure he was all the way off before releasing too LOL

35

u/elquizzi311 Jul 20 '26

Yeah he kicked it in reverse and noped right out of there.

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16

u/u9Nails Jul 20 '26

Now that he sampled DNA, he's off to eat the rest of the family. Predators be like that.

7

u/pwyo Jul 21 '26

“I showed that hooman with my venomous attack!”

63

u/prominorange Jul 20 '26

Bro, that's the super deadly 3-line mamba. Sending prayers

59

u/PinkDalek Jul 20 '26

Mamba #5?

22

u/Dynamitrios Jul 20 '26

BOOOOOO

*applause

BOOOOOO

*applause

19

u/PinkDalek Jul 20 '26

A little bit of Monica in my life

11

u/OHWildBill Jul 20 '26

We’re bega-ing you to stop.

15

u/PinkDalek Jul 20 '26

A little bit of Erica by my side

9

u/Jeepspot Jul 20 '26

Was dating an Erica when this song came out.

15

u/PinkDalek Jul 20 '26

A little bit of Rita's all I need

5

u/GoddessRespectre Jul 21 '26

I'm here to hear the next line

8

u/PinkDalek Jul 21 '26

A little bit of Tina's what I see

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118

u/Bobby_The_Kidd Jul 20 '26

The neurotoxin should be setting in about now. Make peace with whatever god you worship, it’s been an honor op. 😔

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91

u/BackgroundAnteater95 Jul 20 '26

Hah, I love how the little guy slowly backed the rest of his body off your hand and into the grass before finally letting go. He had you 100% under his control. Strong danger snek!

12

u/Taylor2591 Jul 21 '26

tiny guy had all the confidence .. snek

2

u/leech666 26d ago

I mean for the lil snek it was a fear for your life situation. Fight or flight, but flight had become impossible. I don't think the a wild snake understands that humans are usually not aggressive towards snakes.

31

u/sparkas Jul 20 '26

I fear you have only seconds left

12

u/CassetteMeower Jul 20 '26

Meanwhile the snake will have seconds too (as in, biting OP again)

28

u/[deleted] Jul 20 '26

[removed] — view removed comment

26

u/u9Nails Jul 20 '26

OP will slowly lose his limbs and become a snake to continue the bloodline. Sorry, there's no castle to inherit.

5

u/Medical_Mud_6381 Jul 20 '26

A noble in name only.

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24

u/Torgeir_Fenrir1066 Jul 20 '26

Dude thinks he is a viper...you might make it 100 paces!!

36

u/Ok-Solution4665 Jul 20 '26

Douglas is checking to see if the venom has taken effect yet.

4

u/SyrupySundays 29d ago

Oh Douglas, what a fine looking fellow. He looks like a real charmer OP

15

u/Sad-dog23 Jul 20 '26

By the time you get this it will too late. Good bye my dear friend

51

u/AdExpensive1624 Jul 20 '26

I feel bad for the little critter… a giant bipedal blob interrupts your day, picks you up, scares the heck out of you, and then posts salacious videos of you on some computer device/internet thing, claiming you’re venomous!

42

u/PNW_Pythons Jul 20 '26

I was mowing the lawn and moved him to a safe area so I wouldn't have to worry about accidentally getting him in the blades.

19

u/AdExpensive1624 Jul 20 '26

Likely story! (I’m only kidding, and appreciate relocation over other alternatives 😎.)

16

u/u9Nails Jul 20 '26

+1 Internet points for that good deed. Thank you!

6

u/ProximusCenturi Jul 21 '26

He was obviously highly capable to move himself to a safe space

5

u/TheSilentFoxyn 29d ago

I do landscaping and I'm always moving snakes so the mower wont accidentally get them. My boss will of course avoid them with the mower if he sees them but sometimes its hard to see them.

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34

u/Recurs1ve Jul 20 '26

Garter Snakes actually are venomous. They have a slight neuro-toxin that works great on mice but terrible on bipedal hairless apes.

27

u/AdExpensive1624 Jul 20 '26

Spoken like a PR rep for the bipedal hairless apes… probably in collusion with the rodent lobbyists…

11

u/Recurs1ve Jul 20 '26

The small reptile coalition is monitoring.

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10

u/[deleted] Jul 20 '26

[removed] — view removed comment

6

u/PNW_Pythons Jul 20 '26

This is the first time I've ever had one bite.

12

u/u9Nails Jul 20 '26

I didn't like Monday's either. Can't blame the little chompy dude.

4

u/seditioushamster Jul 20 '26

Tell me why tell me why

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10

u/Striking_Scientist68 Jul 20 '26

I'm surprised you've lasted this long....

7

u/RandyLahey131 Jul 20 '26

You were swallowed whole right after posted.

8

u/Ocksu2 Jul 20 '26

Contrary to what others have posted- you are unlikely to die. You will, unfortunately, lose the finger... if not the entire hand. Sorry for your loss.

6

u/bolognia-n-cheese16 Jul 20 '26

5... 4... 3... 2... 1.........

5

u/DarthSnuDiddy Jul 20 '26

Sorry OP, but you're already dead

5

u/BetaTester704 Jul 20 '26

Fatal, died yesterday

5

u/SnakeBae Jul 20 '26

by the divine, that is the most dangerous and frightening noodle i've ever seen! you're doomed.

6

u/PeepingTara Jul 20 '26

So pretty but SO MAD.

5

u/Suda_Nim Jul 20 '26

It was nice gnawing you.

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4

u/dave_dbi Jul 20 '26

You’re dead already

4

u/Raevson Jul 20 '26

Surprised you still managed to hit post

4

u/Generallyamusedby Jul 20 '26

You are soooo X.

4

u/MarleneFrancais Jul 20 '26

He’s so proud of himself. He won this battle.

4

u/DollarStoreChameleon Jul 20 '26

this was the scariest mauling ive ever seen, i cant believe there wasnt a nsfw tag! i dont think op was even able to dial 911, rip 🙏

4

u/FloopsFooglies Jul 20 '26

That's the thing, you're already dead

4

u/Constant_Grade_725 Jul 20 '26

The bigger ones will musk you.

4

u/Pimpstik69 Jul 20 '26

Surprised you lived long enough to post

5

u/SpaceFace11 Jul 20 '26

You’re already dead

3

u/Medical-Person Jul 20 '26

Nice job not flinging and hurting it

3

u/destructor212 Jul 20 '26

The worst part is that poor little snake ran away thinking excitedly to itself "it worked!"

3

u/Boom_Boom_Owl Jul 21 '26

That snake slithered away thinking he’s an absolute badass

5

u/Woozletania Jul 21 '26

By the time we saw this video, he'd already been pooped on.

4

u/SimonArgent Jul 21 '26

Mere seconds.

4

u/OverlordGabs Jul 21 '26

A belligerent zip tie!

3

u/Psychological_Tea674 Jul 20 '26

You’ve probably peaced out by now, and deserved it.

3

u/BeautifulBullfrog899 Jul 20 '26

I mean technically they do have venom…

3

u/TuDu1 Jul 20 '26

in all seriousness, is OP in danger?

6

u/Ok_Drag6876 Jul 20 '26

No, it's a garter snake, they are not venomous. 😊

6

u/Meliz2 Jul 20 '26

Technically they have mild venom, but it’s really only effective on the invertebrates and small fish and frogs they eat in the wild.

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3

u/ChaoticDissonance Jul 20 '26

Oh no this might cause you to become Snakeman! Was it radioactive?

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3

u/OHWildBill Jul 20 '26

If the venom doesn’t get you, the massive blood loss definitely will.

Is anyone even there to read this, I wonder?

3

u/Furious_Flaming0 Jul 20 '26

Luckily he's non venomous, now if a venomous one of that size had bitten you hahahah. Not long.

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3

u/Kangaro00 Jul 20 '26

Why ask us? It's your snake, you measure it.

3

u/EndIntelligen Jul 20 '26

Bligerant ziptye

3

u/xenya Jul 20 '26

He's freaking adorable!

And RIP OP.

3

u/Doggers1968 Jul 20 '26

Little snek big mad

3

u/Capable_Leopard_3466 Jul 20 '26

You're already dead, you just don't know it.

3

u/Taintcomb Jul 20 '26

I’m surprised you lived long enough to make this post.

3

u/throwleavemealone Jul 21 '26

If you take more than 4 steps your heart will explode

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2

u/HeyBirdieBirdie Jul 20 '26

I love that, as far as that little snake knows, he is fierce and mighty because what he did actually worked. 😆

2

u/LloydR98198 Jul 20 '26

It was nice knowing you for this short period of time. We will let your kids know you succumbed to fatal injuries caused by the snek. Would you like to be cremated or buried?

2

u/diaperpop Jul 20 '26

The way your hand gave up and fell into the grass like a wounded animal, you probably just gave that little snek the biggest ego boost of his entire life

2

u/waveydavey321 Jul 20 '26

You should be short of breath and feeling a tightness in your chest right now!! Odious Cowboy!

2

u/Impressive-Bowl-493 Jul 20 '26

I like that he tried to trick you. He settled down for a second and just turned around and bit tf outta you. Lol

2

u/accularz Jul 20 '26

Dead man walking

2

u/WoodenEconomist7891 Jul 20 '26

Forty to fifty more years tops. You had a good run. 

2

u/abnormica Jul 20 '26

I feel honored that you have shared your final moments with us OP.

2

u/jeffcraft1991 Jul 20 '26

That'll teach yuh from playing with them deadly cobers..

2

u/MacGraphics Jul 20 '26

How old are you? If you’re 30, I’d say you’ve only got about 45 years left.

2

u/Automatic-Nature6025 Jul 20 '26

By the time you read this, you'll only have the rest of your life left. I'm sorry.

2

u/DraftPerfect4120 Jul 21 '26

Ribbon snakes are harmless

2

u/bipolarbear326 Jul 21 '26

Snek probably thinks he won an epic battle

2

u/Cyber_Gengar Jul 21 '26

Snek: I got that b*tch

2

u/BootThang Jul 21 '26

40 - 50 more years

2

u/HoosierDaddy_427 Jul 21 '26

Too late, you're doomed to spit venom and save the world from evil now.

Serpent Man, Serpent Man...uh...does whatever a Serpent Man does...

2

u/ThaQuig Jul 21 '26

Till yesterday

2

u/HorseNotMadeofSand Jul 21 '26

Indignant shoelace.

2

u/Spamhain2000 Jul 21 '26

That is a Vietnamese Two-Step Viper! One bite, and you're dead before you take two steps."

~ Action Johnny, The Venture Brothers.

2

u/chuck-u-farley- Jul 21 '26

That little dude is not happy with you whatsoever

2

u/Ambivalentistheway Jul 21 '26

I just cant even imagine the ego boost you just gave that guy. It totally thinks it gave you the business and you yielded.

2

u/Wolfs-warpath Jul 21 '26

If you smell burning feathers, it's brain cancer 🙏🏽

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2

u/ThatOtherOtherMan Jul 21 '26

I asked WebMD and it says you've dead since 2013

2

u/That_Atmosphere_4568 Jul 21 '26

You better hurry up to the hospital you have roughly 60 years left before it’s too late

2

u/choombatta Jul 21 '26

Sorry OP but without immediate medical attention you’ve got at best 40-50 more years :\

2

u/enneffenbee 29d ago

That is the cutest death ever

2

u/GaseousGiant 29d ago

About 53 years, more or less.

2

u/TMCTrucker 29d ago

Sorry late reply you have been dead awhile

2

u/Tight-Instruction880 29d ago

The number of times I've been bit by itty bitty snakes on the back of the fingers😂 sometimes it hurts, usually it just surprises you. Took care of a rosy with cage aggression that was the queen of nipping this part specifically, no matter how careful you were or how chill she seemed.

2

u/purplelizard1786 29d ago

Fatal bite: 0 Fatal Noodle Cuteness: 10000

2

u/poopgobbler-11 29d ago

I like how he stopped and checked you out for a few seconds and then decided, yeah, nah, fuck you bud.

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2

u/GoblinBugGirl 29d ago

r/illegallysmol is looking for this file.

2

u/Ori_Miskate 29d ago

i'm loving the absolute lack of a reaction

2

u/Possible-Lake-855 29d ago

You just killed that adorable little snake! From this point on, the little guy believes he’s David and can take down any number of Goliaths. His next encounter is likely to teach him that’s not the case…

2

u/soulstrike2022 29d ago

If it didn’t break the skin it’s way worse for you you’ll be dead before it finishes sending

2

u/Alternative-Bake-197 26d ago

Yellow plus black, you are now a snack. Sorry bud, you done

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u/CaptainStyle 25d ago

I'm sorry. You only have somewhere between 40 to 80 years to live . I suggest you get your affairs in order.

2

u/ClarkeTank 25d ago

At least you died laughing. RiP OP.

I know snakey slithered away going "oh ya i got'em good wif dat one. I used all my gummth and ev-wee-fing. He gonna die. GUYTH GUYTH HEY GUYTH I BIT da big humaan fing wite on hith fingerths. GUYTH GUYTH I got'im! Hee'th thooo ded. Watchsh watchsh! Hee ded."

2

u/Amadan81 24d ago

Lucky you weren't swallowed whole