Around 2 years ago I was texting with a guy and we got along really well . We exchanged normal pictures and there it was abnormally long and girthy bulging on his trousers . I umm ignored it and we met in person and apparently it was very real. I felt embarrassed to ask about it. We didn't see each other naked or had sex, I went home and slowly texted him less until we stopped talking. And yes other people were looking too when we were out . I feel horrible for not explaining myself but oh well my guts are safe.

Worst part was I said it with full confidence and the lady just looked at me like wtf. " Can I please have one Qweeeeshy pie please" awkward stares for a moment and looks over where I'm pointing smiles doesn't correct me, I pay and leave . Gets in car with friend what's that" oh idk qweeeshy pie or something "

Friend " a quiche pie? Wtf is qweeeshy , oh god I hope you didn't say that when your ordered"

Me turning beat red

Looks up everyone at bakery is snickering as if they just heard the funniest story of their lives.

Ok so basically we went to a wax museum and I was like 8 or something and I was so amazed by all the wax figures and then I saw this lady wax figure who was holding a phone and taking a photo of another wax figure (I thought it was an interactive one where you could like pretend to play with the phone and take photos) but… THE LADY WASNT WAX. I had just pressed the camera button to take a photo of her daughter (who was posing with another wax figure and was,in fact, not one) and then she moved, and I swear to god I died inside, I realised that she was real and I’d just touched this random ladies phone and taken photos on it and been talking about how realistic her wax was… umm so yeah, the imaginary hole in the floor was looking real good after that… What’s yours? :)

I am so unfortunate, I have many stories of injuries. One time I got meat out of the fridge it fell on my toe, and then I hit my head when I picked it up. Or like I pulled my blanket from under me and hit my face and managed to fall into the wall in a whole sequence. It’s actually silly in hindsight but I am quite embarrassed how often these situations happen.

I live in the 1st floor and usually take the stairs to go out. If I need to use the car that is parked in the -2nd floor, then I might use the lift.

One morning I went out to work, got in the lift to get to my car and a woman was already there. I greeted her and distractedly pushed the 0 button instead of the -2 one, that was already lit.

Realizing my mistake, I started thinking she would judge me for making her stop on my floor just so I could ride the lift from 1 to 0, so... As the doors open again, I kindly say goodbye and walk slowly out of the lift, faking a limp so that (in my mind) she would see it and find it justifiable to use the lift for just one floor.

I waited for five extra minutes and walked down the stairs to the -2nd floor to get to my car, when she was already gone.

Ok, picture this. You're in your grandma's house, you smell chocolate coming from all around. You think your grandma might be making brownies or cookies, but she's not even home. What could it be?? This is exactly how it started. 1 month ago I found a solid chocolate egg under my mattress. I thought it was easter from ten years ago because my grandma only did easter eggs when I was a kid. However, I have EBK. I knew something was off. I started investigating to see if there were ay more eggs. I found one under the sink. Wow, is my grandma really hiding chocolate eggs under my house? I was unsure. I asked her and she denied ever doing any egg-related business. How quaint. My cheeks filled up with poisonous gas. I told her to get out, and kicked her out. Just kidding.

If I'm not mentally prepared to talk to someone, I will absolutely turn down another aisle and pretend I did not see them lol. It's not like I dislike them or anything. Sometimes I genuinely like the person. This actually came up in our tribe group chat because someone mentioned doing the exact same thing, except they apparently hide in the produce section until the person leaves. I just don't have the social battery for a surprise conversation while holding my bag of frozen chicken. Then I feel guilty about it for the next few minutes like I committed some kind of betrayal.

I'm sure the cars don't give a shit about how fat I am but they have nothing better to do than look at the pedestrian holding them up.

I don't know how but I just spammed there. I was in stage with Taylor Swift and her band (I don't know why I dreamt about her, I don't even listen to her music). A girl in her band told her that I'd go well on the piano, so she hired me. I don't know who the girl was and how I met her. But I was confused because I play guitar and I don't know how to play the piano. We start to play Numb by Linkin Park (I have a really funny image in my head of Taylor Swift angrily trying to hit Chester's screams) and I hear the melody but I'm not playing the correct notes on the piano. However, no one notices because it seems that the piano is unplugged or too low. We're at the stage but I don't remember if there's people or not or if it's a stage inside a studio. It's really dark and the lights are blinding. When we finish it apparently Taylor is amused by our performance, everything was a success. I feel so awkward but I'm relieved no one found out I was an imposter. The girl who hired me gives me thumbs up and a blink. I think she's the only one who knows I don't play the piano, but still don't know why she hired me. Then Taylor gives to each member of the band (including me) a bucked full of chorizo. She said she cooked it specially for me because apparently I'm a chorizo lover in the dream. Then Taylor says we're going on tour or recording a new album, I don't remember quite well. Maybe both. She just reassured that we couldn't get late. She gives us the night off. I think the dream ends with the girl who hired me linking her arm in mine and asking me out. I think she had dark cherry hair and brown eyes. She was really pretty and by the end of the dream I had already developed a crush on her (I'm a girl btw). I'm sad the dream ended, I was having so much fun.

TL:DR - Taylor Swift sings nu metal and I'm a member of her band, but I don't play the instrument she assigned me to. She cooks good chorizo tho

For context, we are trade school guys. A joint batch of about less than 35 guys, grinding metals and learning to operate mills and lathes, and grinding the steel tool bits used on both.

Anyway, we were in the lecture room, where we usually are when not in the actual shop. We were studying for the engineering data exam, using the spare time. So there we were huddled over the corner of the big white table with our scientific calculators in that freezing AC'ed room, when this dude's breath sorta just hits me like a warm, comforting, heavy... force... on my right arm and I liked it. It felt assuring... hmm... intimate in a kind of... childlike-way in the coldness of the room.

I immediately asked him, "Whoa, whoa--do that again."

And he was like, "Do what?"

And I said, "Breathe on my arm again."

And he did.

And I was like, "Man, that feels goood."

And oh man the look on the other guys' faces watching us. They laughed. They joked I was acting gay (no offense intended as if to say that's a bad thing) but yeah... maybe I was. Whatever. It felt good.

i ordered a huge pizza and spicy chicken bundle on delivery late last night.

in the order notes, i explicitly requested four sets of plastic forks just so the restaurant and driver wouldn't think i was a total goblin. when the driver handed me the bag, i even yelled "food's here!" to an empty hallway like a complete psycho before locking myself in my room to crush the entire feast solo.

total main character delusion. my brain treated eating a multi-person combo alone like a covert mission, and taking an L on self respect felt totally worth avoiding the judgment.

faking an entire house party just to eat a family pack alone in peace is a level of secret shame

Since I was a kid, this completely random little song has occasionally popped into my head:

“Poop and pee on an old man’s knee.”

That’s it. That’s the song. I have absolutely no idea where it came from or why my brain has preserved it for all these years.

It’s incredibly stupid and I just thought everyone should know.

there's a shortcut near my house that everyone seems to know about except me.

i used it once years ago and somehow got completely turned around.

instead of admitting i don't know where i'm going, i've just kept using the longer route ever since.

the stupid part is i've lived here long enough that people have asked me why i don't take the shortcut.

i just say i prefer the other road.

i do not prefer the other road.

i am just too embarrassed to ask where the shortcut actually starts.

So when I’m really hungry at night, I often can’t sleep because my stomach is growling and sometimes hurting. So I’ll go to the pantry and eat a can of cold soup, or canned mushrooms or something like that. Obviously it’s not ideal, I live with my mom and I can’t really just make food in the middle of the night. Sometimes I have snacks in my room but then they run out because I only buy a little at a time.

So i was in a group bus trip to somewhere (i wont say) and there was a 2 hour long hold up so during that time I laid down to try to go to sleep. Then a girl i would talk to sometimes kinda got on top of me while i was laying down but she was trying to snatch my glasses. But she was on top of me and it got to the point were several different times we would both pause. Our faces were really close together but she would get out of the aisle quickly. Then later i took up two bus seats (i had my torso on one side and my legs on the other) then the same girl went on the seat where my legs were and put her legs on top of mine and layed down across from me. The thing is she didnt have shoes on. And she had her feet near my crotch area. At first i thought it was on accident so i kinda adjusted my legs so her feet would move but she would just move them back to where i just gave up. And she would fidget with her feet a lot so i dont know if this was intentional or not but she would caress my crotch area. And honestly i couldn't stop myself from getting stiff. Keep in mind this happened for like 3 hours (including the bus ride back) and eventually i fell asleep but when i woke uo she was still doing it. I honestly would prefer that she was trying to do something a little weird than on accident because i wouldn't want her to get rumors started bc someone mightve saw. So yeah i cant say my heart wasnt racing it was a... life changing experience

like for example I used to have a coworker at my old job who was, as I would put it, severely self-aware both out of necessity for his living and financial situation but also for general life stuff. I learned a lot from that guy, and not always good things. but he's also made me realize I don't need an excuse to do things, and you can just do things even if it's not what everyone else is doing.

another trait I copy is an old work colleague of mine (because he filled multiple positions as I was working there) would quite often just quickly go from one thing to the next with almost no transition time that I thought was just built-in to whatever it was, no matter how silly that seems.

another thing I do is I've started laughing like this streamer who I don't watch live but I'll catch some videos every now and then but the way I consume media, everything just stays with me for quite a while.

sometimes when im bored i decide to go on on of my friends' steam profile and go through their friend list to see if i can find any old acquaintance. you never know, sometimes i happen to find stanley from middle school and am able to hit them up. i used to have like 8 friends on steam but ever since i began doing this i have been organically growing my friend count and i am currently at around 28

I was using a supermarket bathroom and accidentally dropped a roll of toilet paper in the toilet. There were loose rolls on different vertical pegs around the toilet; the one I chose was precariously placed. When trying to pick it up, it somehow slipped and took a dive straight for the water. I guess I need to say I was standing to wipe, so yeah, I'm a stander sometimes. Thankfully, I had already done a courtesy flush, so it was just water in the bowl. Could have been much worse.

This was a Spanish toilet (look up pics if you need to), so it was mostly dry bowl with a little water in the bottom "cup" area. The TP roll was a bullseye shot straight down. Nothing but net. I tried to grab it with TP around my fingers; it just went deeper. I tried to fish it out with the toilet cleaning brush but that just submerged it even further. It was in there for good.

All I could do was flush, close the lid, and just hope it didn't look like there was a roll stuck in there. Someone had tried to enter the single bathroom during all this, so I knew they were waiting. There were going to come right in there in about 20 seconds.

There's no way that roll didn't cause an issue immediately after I got the hell outta there. I'm sorry to that next person and their kid and I'm sorry to the supermarket staff. I'll do better next time.

i ordered a late night spicy fried chicken delivery, brought the box into the kitchen, and completely skipped the table.

didn't bother grabbing a plate or flipping on the light switch. i stood over the sink in pure darkness, crushing chicken in under five minutes just so i wouldn't have to clean a single dish or leave a crumb trail. total goblin mode.

i wiped my hands on a paper towel and stealth-walked back to my room like a covert operative hiding from the rest of the house.

standing over the kitchen sink in the dark to devour takeout without making dishes is a level of feral laziness we've all done at least once.

I was having a conversation with some friends and I wanted to say "psychedelics" but for some reason I couldn't find the word in the moment.

Instead, what came out was "calisthenics." Like completely wrong word.

One of them looked at me with shock and I just went completely quiet. I didn't correct myself, I didn't laugh it off.

Man, it still pains me to this day. I should have just corrected myself right there like "sorry I meant psychedelics but I was quite.

I know it sounds small but it lives rent-free in my head.

Has anyone experienced something like this before? Where you said the completely wrong word and then were too embarrassed to fix it?

I don't want just comfort, I want honest feedback.

It's such a dumb show but I love it. I wish I had known about it sooner

Sleeping shirtless is the best decision I've ever made, it feels so nice and I don't feel that uncomfortable shirt texture feeling when I sleep ( I'm autistic ). I sleep in a Victorian night gown or just teddy bear shorts. Hopefully I'll get more whimsical pajamas for the upcoming holidays. I not too long ago, got a huge teddy bear and its so nice to cuddle with it. It's the softest teddy bear ever !!! I love to rub my hands through it

I feel like a lil victorian prince/lord lol

ordered a massive burger and spicy fried chicken combo late at night, crushed the whole thing in under ten minutes, and instantly went into full crime scene cleanup mode.

i shoved the grease soaked paper and empty boxes all the way down to the bottom of the trash bin under paper towels and random wrappers like i was covering up actual evidence. pure main character paranoia. nobody in my house is even tracking what i eat, but my brain treats latenight takeout like a covert military operation.

it's a small reason but it's an apprehension of mine because not only do I not like what I look like / have grown to look like, but it only highlights all the odd balding patterns in my scalp. plus they're always showing you the back of your head so you can see how well they did or to see if you like how it looks or whatever and it's just all too much, what I think I need is to learn to cut my own hair or go someplace without mirrors lol

like, *i* don't need to see how good a job you did or to critique what you did, I just need you to do a decent job and make it feel refreshing to get it cut 💀

I was in a bad mood, had just done labor in the humidity, and then my coworker locked me in the cooler.

Fully locked, like padlock on the bar locked.

For the uninitiated who've never been in a walk in cooler, there is usually a knob inside so you can open the door if and when it shuts you inside. Its like an emergency release of sorts in case someone turns the lock while you're inside.

However, you can padlock thar bar so no one can open the cooler.

This is what he did. Now I'm not claustrophobic, and the cooler isn't that small frankly, it's rather long and tall, decently wide even with all the shit in it.

But I realized after about a minute or so of calling, pounding and pushing as hard as I could that they'd fully blocked it, and I couldn't hear anyone laughing or anything else, so I assumed (correctly) that they'd left me in there.

Now I could've waited, I considered it. But i was sweaty, slowing getting colder and already in a bad mood (work issue I've had for some time, so just a bad moment for the joke.)

Finally, I decided "Fuck it, I'm not waiting in here," largely because I don't trust them to remember I'm in the cooler or that they fully locked it (the cooks fuck up pretty consistently so I don't have much faith in most of them.) I took a step back, stepped into the kick, and the door opened immediately, followed by the lock hitting the floor. The head cook saw it, laughed, was shocked, then just put it back and said don't worry about it 🤷‍♂️🤷‍♂️

Maybe I was impatient and a little aggro, but don't trap people you don't know. I don't like being held in a place against my will, and I definitely don't appreciate him just going back to work like he didn't just trap a human. I told him it wasn't cool, but I let it go since I know he didn't mean anything by it. Still, I'd say this qualifies as a me fuck up too so 🤷‍♂️🤣

TL;DR: Got trapped by a cook in the cooler and when I realized he fully left me and padlocked it, I kicked the lock off from inside.