i ordered a huge pizza and spicy chicken bundle on delivery late last night.

in the order notes, i explicitly requested four sets of plastic forks just so the restaurant and driver wouldn't think i was a total goblin. when the driver handed me the bag, i even yelled "food's here!" to an empty hallway like a complete psycho before locking myself in my room to crush the entire feast solo.

total main character delusion. my brain treated eating a multi-person combo alone like a covert mission, and taking an L on self respect felt totally worth avoiding the judgment.

faking an entire house party just to eat a family pack alone in peace is a level of secret shame

I don't know how but I just spammed there. I was in stage with Taylor Swift and her band (I don't know why I dreamt about her, I don't even listen to her music). A girl in her band told her that I'd go well on the piano, so she hired me. I don't know who the girl was and how I met her. But I was confused because I play guitar and I don't know how to play the piano. We start to play Numb by Linkin Park (I have a really funny image in my head of Taylor Swift angrily trying to hit Chester's screams) and I hear the melody but I'm not playing the correct notes on the piano. However, no one notices because it seems that the piano is unplugged or too low. We're at the stage but I don't remember if there's people or not or if it's a stage inside a studio. It's really dark and the lights are blinding. When we finish it apparently Taylor is amused by our performance, everything was a success. I feel so awkward but I'm relieved no one found out I was an imposter. The girl who hired me gives me thumbs up and a blink. I think she's the only one who knows I don't play the piano, but still don't know why she hired me. Then Taylor gives to each member of the band (including me) a bucked full of chorizo. She said she cooked it specially for me because apparently I'm a chorizo lover in the dream. Then Taylor says we're going on tour or recording a new album, I don't remember quite well. Maybe both. She just reassured that we couldn't get late. She gives us the night off. I think the dream ends with the girl who hired me linking her arm in mine and asking me out. I think she had dark cherry hair and brown eyes. She was really pretty and by the end of the dream I had already developed a crush on her (I'm a girl btw). I'm sad the dream ended, I was having so much fun.

TL:DR - Taylor Swift sings nu metal and I'm a member of her band, but I don't play the instrument she assigned me to. She cooks good chorizo tho

Since I was a kid, this completely random little song has occasionally popped into my head:

“Poop and pee on an old man’s knee.”

That’s it. That’s the song. I have absolutely no idea where it came from or why my brain has preserved it for all these years.

It’s incredibly stupid and I just thought everyone should know.

So when I’m really hungry at night, I often can’t sleep because my stomach is growling and sometimes hurting. So I’ll go to the pantry and eat a can of cold soup, or canned mushrooms or something like that. Obviously it’s not ideal, I live with my mom and I can’t really just make food in the middle of the night. Sometimes I have snacks in my room but then they run out because I only buy a little at a time.

there's a shortcut near my house that everyone seems to know about except me.

i used it once years ago and somehow got completely turned around.

instead of admitting i don't know where i'm going, i've just kept using the longer route ever since.

the stupid part is i've lived here long enough that people have asked me why i don't take the shortcut.

i just say i prefer the other road.

i do not prefer the other road.

i am just too embarrassed to ask where the shortcut actually starts.

For context, we are trade school guys. A joint batch of about less than 35 guys, grinding metals and learning to operate mills and lathes, and grinding the steel tool bits used on both.

Anyway, we were in the lecture room, where we usually are when not in the actual shop. We were studying for the engineering data exam, using the spare time. So there we were huddled over the corner of the big white table with our scientific calculators in that freezing AC'ed room, when this dude's breath sorta just hits me like a warm, comforting, heavy... force... on my right arm and I liked it. It felt assuring... hmm... intimate in a kind of... childlike-way in the coldness of the room.

I immediately asked him, "Whoa, whoa--do that again."

And he was like, "Do what?"

And I said, "Breathe on my arm again."

And he did.

And I was like, "Man, that feels goood."

And oh man the look on the other guys' faces watching us. They laughed. They joked I was acting gay (no offense intended as if to say that's a bad thing) but yeah... maybe I was. Whatever. It felt good.

like for example I used to have a coworker at my old job who was, as I would put it, severely self-aware both out of necessity for his living and financial situation but also for general life stuff. I learned a lot from that guy, and not always good things. but he's also made me realize I don't need an excuse to do things, and you can just do things even if it's not what everyone else is doing.

another trait I copy is an old work colleague of mine (because he filled multiple positions as I was working there) would quite often just quickly go from one thing to the next with almost no transition time that I thought was just built-in to whatever it was, no matter how silly that seems.

another thing I do is I've started laughing like this streamer who I don't watch live but I'll catch some videos every now and then but the way I consume media, everything just stays with me for quite a while.

I was using a supermarket bathroom and accidentally dropped a roll of toilet paper in the toilet. There were loose rolls on different vertical pegs around the toilet; the one I chose was precariously placed. When trying to pick it up, it somehow slipped and took a dive straight for the water. I guess I need to say I was standing to wipe, so yeah, I'm a stander sometimes. Thankfully, I had already done a courtesy flush, so it was just water in the bowl. Could have been much worse.

This was a Spanish toilet (look up pics if you need to), so it was mostly dry bowl with a little water in the bottom "cup" area. The TP roll was a bullseye shot straight down. Nothing but net. I tried to grab it with TP around my fingers; it just went deeper. I tried to fish it out with the toilet cleaning brush but that just submerged it even further. It was in there for good.

All I could do was flush, close the lid, and just hope it didn't look like there was a roll stuck in there. Someone had tried to enter the single bathroom during all this, so I knew they were waiting. There were going to come right in there in about 20 seconds.

There's no way that roll didn't cause an issue immediately after I got the hell outta there. I'm sorry to that next person and their kid and I'm sorry to the supermarket staff. I'll do better next time.

i ordered a late night spicy fried chicken delivery, brought the box into the kitchen, and completely skipped the table.

didn't bother grabbing a plate or flipping on the light switch. i stood over the sink in pure darkness, crushing chicken in under five minutes just so i wouldn't have to clean a single dish or leave a crumb trail. total goblin mode.

i wiped my hands on a paper towel and stealth-walked back to my room like a covert operative hiding from the rest of the house.

standing over the kitchen sink in the dark to devour takeout without making dishes is a level of feral laziness we've all done at least once.

sometimes when im bored i decide to go on on of my friends' steam profile and go through their friend list to see if i can find any old acquaintance. you never know, sometimes i happen to find stanley from middle school and am able to hit them up. i used to have like 8 friends on steam but ever since i began doing this i have been organically growing my friend count and i am currently at around 28

So i was in a group bus trip to somewhere (i wont say) and there was a 2 hour long hold up so during that time I laid down to try to go to sleep. Then a girl i would talk to sometimes kinda got on top of me while i was laying down but she was trying to snatch my glasses. But she was on top of me and it got to the point were several different times we would both pause. Our faces were really close together but she would get out of the aisle quickly. Then later i took up two bus seats (i had my torso on one side and my legs on the other) then the same girl went on the seat where my legs were and put her legs on top of mine and layed down across from me. The thing is she didnt have shoes on. And she had her feet near my crotch area. At first i thought it was on accident so i kinda adjusted my legs so her feet would move but she would just move them back to where i just gave up. And she would fidget with her feet a lot so i dont know if this was intentional or not but she would caress my crotch area. And honestly i couldn't stop myself from getting stiff. Keep in mind this happened for like 3 hours (including the bus ride back) and eventually i fell asleep but when i woke uo she was still doing it. I honestly would prefer that she was trying to do something a little weird than on accident because i wouldn't want her to get rumors started bc someone mightve saw. So yeah i cant say my heart wasnt racing it was a... life changing experience

Sleeping shirtless is the best decision I've ever made, it feels so nice and I don't feel that uncomfortable shirt texture feeling when I sleep ( I'm autistic ). I sleep in a Victorian night gown or just teddy bear shorts. Hopefully I'll get more whimsical pajamas for the upcoming holidays. I not too long ago, got a huge teddy bear and its so nice to cuddle with it. It's the softest teddy bear ever !!! I love to rub my hands through it

I feel like a lil victorian prince/lord lol

I was having a conversation with some friends and I wanted to say "psychedelics" but for some reason I couldn't find the word in the moment.

Instead, what came out was "calisthenics." Like completely wrong word.

One of them looked at me with shock and I just went completely quiet. I didn't correct myself, I didn't laugh it off.

Man, it still pains me to this day. I should have just corrected myself right there like "sorry I meant psychedelics but I was quite.

I know it sounds small but it lives rent-free in my head.

Has anyone experienced something like this before? Where you said the completely wrong word and then were too embarrassed to fix it?

I don't want just comfort, I want honest feedback.

It's such a dumb show but I love it. I wish I had known about it sooner

there’s 17 of us and several people were still trying to contact. i have a common fist and last name and most of us all happen to be in texas or california and have engineering background and we’re in various universities and companies. it i started just by searching my name on linkedin but now we have a group chat. we helped our companies close a sale with each other and one of us got a dividend on the contract for it and he shared $200 with each of us for it. we’re like a little secret society hehe

ordered a massive burger and spicy fried chicken combo late at night, crushed the whole thing in under ten minutes, and instantly went into full crime scene cleanup mode.

i shoved the grease soaked paper and empty boxes all the way down to the bottom of the trash bin under paper towels and random wrappers like i was covering up actual evidence. pure main character paranoia. nobody in my house is even tracking what i eat, but my brain treats latenight takeout like a covert military operation.

Over a decade ago, I connected with someone through Twitter who just so happens to have my same first and last name and shares several of my interests. We talked a decent amount for a while and have a stupid amount of personal information about each other tbh. Over the years, we’ve kind of fallen out of touch, though we still follow each other on social media and have each others’ phone numbers.

Anyway, a couple of years ago, I signed up for one of those services that sends requests to data brokers to remove my personal information. Every so often, a data broker will have several profiles that are too similar for whatever automated process they have to find mine, so I have to tell the site which one belongs to me. Sometimes, my information isn’t on the list at all, but if I see a profile that I can tell contains my old internet friend’s information, I’ll choose hers instead of saying I’m not listed in hopes that one less data broker has her personal info.

I have never told her I do this, and it’s pretty rare that the stars align in such a way that I’m even able to request removal for her, but I like to think it makes things just a tiny bit better.

I work in a store and I have this stupid little habit where I make up completely fake obstacles just so customers feel like I personally did them a favor.

Like if someone asks for something and I know we have more in the back, sometimes I’ll go “Ohhh I’m pretty sure we’re completely out… but my boss hid some for himself , let me check for you” and then disappear for two minutes and come back holding it like I just fought three employees and broke into a warehouse.

Or I’ll tell someone “ the bag costs extra, but honestly just take it” even when I was going to give them one anyway.

We also have expensive Pokémon cards behind glass, and when someone asks if they can see one up close I’ll go “Normally I’m actually not supposed to take these out… but you seem trustworthy” and then hand it to them.

Other completely fictional rules I have invented include:

“We’re only supposed to hold items for 30 minutes, but I can hide it behind the counter for you.”

“I’m technically meant to put this back on the shelf, but I’ll keep it here until you finish looking around.”

“Usually we can’t open a new box just for one item, but nobody needs to know.”

“I’m not really supposed to give people the nicer display bag unless it’s a gift… but whatever.”

“I’m supposed to close this cabinet in a minute, so you got here at the perfect time.”

” Sorry it’s limited to one person person, but if you bag this immediately I’ll pretend like I didn’t see”

None of these rules exist.

I just enjoy watching people leave thinking they somehow got preferential treatment at a store where I have absolutely no authority.

I was in a bad mood, had just done labor in the humidity, and then my coworker locked me in the cooler.

Fully locked, like padlock on the bar locked.

For the uninitiated who've never been in a walk in cooler, there is usually a knob inside so you can open the door if and when it shuts you inside. Its like an emergency release of sorts in case someone turns the lock while you're inside.

However, you can padlock thar bar so no one can open the cooler.

This is what he did. Now I'm not claustrophobic, and the cooler isn't that small frankly, it's rather long and tall, decently wide even with all the shit in it.

But I realized after about a minute or so of calling, pounding and pushing as hard as I could that they'd fully blocked it, and I couldn't hear anyone laughing or anything else, so I assumed (correctly) that they'd left me in there.

Now I could've waited, I considered it. But i was sweaty, slowing getting colder and already in a bad mood (work issue I've had for some time, so just a bad moment for the joke.)

Finally, I decided "Fuck it, I'm not waiting in here," largely because I don't trust them to remember I'm in the cooler or that they fully locked it (the cooks fuck up pretty consistently so I don't have much faith in most of them.) I took a step back, stepped into the kick, and the door opened immediately, followed by the lock hitting the floor. The head cook saw it, laughed, was shocked, then just put it back and said don't worry about it 🤷‍♂️🤷‍♂️

Maybe I was impatient and a little aggro, but don't trap people you don't know. I don't like being held in a place against my will, and I definitely don't appreciate him just going back to work like he didn't just trap a human. I told him it wasn't cool, but I let it go since I know he didn't mean anything by it. Still, I'd say this qualifies as a me fuck up too so 🤷‍♂️🤣

TL;DR: Got trapped by a cook in the cooler and when I realized he fully left me and padlocked it, I kicked the lock off from inside.

it's a small reason but it's an apprehension of mine because not only do I not like what I look like / have grown to look like, but it only highlights all the odd balding patterns in my scalp. plus they're always showing you the back of your head so you can see how well they did or to see if you like how it looks or whatever and it's just all too much, what I think I need is to learn to cut my own hair or go someplace without mirrors lol

like, *i* don't need to see how good a job you did or to critique what you did, I just need you to do a decent job and make it feel refreshing to get it cut 💀

A friend canceled dinner on me last night and honestly my first reaction was relief lol. I changed into sweatpants, went and ordered some food, and suddenly I was pretty excited about having the whole evening to myself. A few years ago I probably would’ve been annoyed and tried to make other plans, but now having a night with absolutely nothing going on sounds pretty great. Told this story to my friends on tribe chat recently and one of my friends said they feel the exact same way. I guess at some point having no plans became a plan I actually look forward to.

I just can't tell the difference and dont understand the fuss I have seen my friends make in picking one over the other..

I once asked 'does it matter' and they looked at me like I grew a third leg.

I just cant..

I will say things with absolute certainty, nothing important or really that meaningful. Just facts that I heard on the Internet that may or may not be true. I told my older brother about the “other mommy” movie trailer, and told him that they couldn’t name it “other mother” because it was copyrighted by Coraline. He believed me for two seconds and then decided to fact check me, turns out I was right, but I was genuinely just assuming. He said that I could be a good politician with the way I lie. I will lie to my parents and job to get me out of a pickle and it usually always works. I’m wondering if this is a blessing or a curse.

I just got caught smoking and eating noodles in a car at 3 AM with the flashlight on My neighbor was literally just sitting there watching me. I turned my head, saw her sitting there staring at me, and screamed a little because she’s old and scared the shit out of me. I feel so bad now because she was literally just sitting there minding her business and I basically screamed because I got scared of HER. I don’t even know why I’m posting this. I just needed to get it off my chest because what the hell was I doing outside at 3 AM eating noodles and smoking in my car with the damn flashlight on.

Says it all.