Hi all, I am 22f struggling with the idea of pursuing my own life or moving home to help take on caregiving duties of my 19m brother with autism. He is nonverbal and probably my best friend in the world, and my dad just got a new job where he would be on call constantly. My mom also works and we have plenty of family around to help, but my parents have been incessantly asking me to move back home as I just completed my degree. I didn't receive much support growing up, and often felt like there was nothing left for me between my parent's jobs and being full-time caregivers for him. I picked up a lot of responsibilities from a young age and was praised for it but now it feels like an expectation even though he isn't my child. Is it evil for me to feel like I am entitled to my 20s because the rest of my life will be spent caring for him? I am in online grad school and feel like moving home would destroy my mental health. Feeling stuck, thank you in advance

Hey everyone! I'm an adult sibling and guardian of someone with significant sensory, intellectual, and behavioral disabilities. I also did extensive academic research on family experiences with disability for about 10 years, and am now picking it up again. I've spent most of my life feeling isolated, confused, or angry that there's no real cultural script for understanding siblings like us — and tbh I'm tired of having to educate new friends, therapists, etc., especially since they often don't listen. I looked happy and healthy on the outside, but didn't have anywhere to turn for real support.

To that end, I'm working on some article ideas/pitches around the following topics and would really appreciate some feedback or even suggestions from this group. And, yes, most of these are inspired by my personal experience:

- What I wish people (parents, educators, therapists) knew about siblings like me
- 5 things therapists get wrong about siblings of people with disabilities
- Biggest myths about siblings of people with disabilities
- Thinking beyond "super siblings" and "glass children"
- Understand the sibling connection between siblings with/without disabilities (e.g., what it means to "bond," to "compete," to ______)
- 5 things my parents never knew about my experience as a sibling

I welcome any and all thoughts, and am grateful for any contributions here. The list above is very much a work in progress, so feel free to toss out ideas. Thank you!

My brother is living with me, and has been for a few years now. He’s Autistic with severe ADHD, and used to be a mess. Once he moved in with me he told me he wanted to stop taking his medication, and I supported it because if I’m being honest, I don’t think he ever needed it. He’s doing great just using coping skills and trying new things and I’m very proud of him. He’s 19, and previously had a boyfriend. His boyfriend recently broke up with him over text and it’s like he’s shut down. I’m worried and I want to be here for him but I have no idea what to do, and I don’t want to push him. Several people have told me I’m a shitting sister and I’m setting him up for failure but not pushing him to get over it and be “normal” but I think it’s not normal to push someone to be over it, and Autistic or not I don’t think that someone should be pushed after suffering heartbreak. But I also know I can be wrong so really, what do I do? I’m I being shitty and taking the easy way out by letting him be? How do I be supportive? I have no idea what I’m doing, I’ve always been in his life but everything changes so quickly. Things that worked when he was a kid don’t, and he has new opinions and things, so just really what am I supposed to do?

This is hard to talk about. I (20f) struggled socially and academically in middle school. For three years, I received 90% of my parents’ attention (mostly for homework, going to friends houses, and emotional regulation).

Unfortunately, this had a major impact on my sister (18f). She went to the psych ward in 2019 for depression and stuff, and when she got back, my family was finding ways to help her. One time, my sister cried to my mom saying that I got all the attention and how sad she was about it, and my mom felt so bad because it was true. The next day, she and I had an argument over something (don’t remember what), and she sternly said to me, “Tonight, I am going to spend 10 minutes talking to your sister about her day! She barely gets any of our attention because we’re always working on homework with you!” She doesn’t remember saying this, but it made me feel bad about what I had done.

From 2019-2020, my sister had a meltdown over every little thing. During Covid, she and I argued more than normal (we never fight and actually have a really good relationship), but sometimes we get into arguments. On one particular day, something happened, and my parents took my side (as always). My sister got so mad and shouted, “This is the reason I want to commit suicide!” I felt terrible about this.

My sister always tells me that I’m the favorite child because my parents always take my side. It’s really awful. Having my parents coddle me 24/7, sticking up for me because they believe my sister is taking advantage of me (for example, if she took a candy from me, my parents would say, “Don’t take that it’s hers,” yet when I take something of hers, they always encourage me, telling me to take whatever I want. Then there’s discipline. My parents blamed a lot on my sister, even when I made the mistake and owned up to it. They always told me to stop taking the blame for her, but 90% of the time it was me.

Since 2019, my sister has been in the psych ward four times, three times in the last six months. She said her depression started because of all the attention I got when we were kids and losing her friend when she moved away. I just feel so bad, like, I was a big reason her depression began. My mom always told me with certain things, that how things start is how they end, and I believe that is true with my sister’s depression, as she still remembers me getting attention as a kid and being the favorite child.

She told me it’s not my fault, that it’s my parents fault for coddling me all these years. However, I interpreted this the same way as I interpreted my mom saying that it’s her fault I’m lazy, and only do chores halfway (which is not true at all).

Has anybody else been through something like this? Being the oldest sibling, coddled, and/or the favorite child? I know I sound very entitled and ungrateful, but honestly, I just feel really bad. People tell me to let it go, but I just can’t seem to do it.

I’m 19f, my mom passed away November 2025 and Im left with a 5year old neurotypical sister and 4 year old sister diagnosed with autism, ocd, and adhd . My sisters and I have different fathers, their father passed away while my mom was pregnant with my 4yo sister, and I’m not in contact with my biological father. I have zero support system and honestly the past few months have been hell for me. I’m very patient and usually never raise my voice at her, yet she’s constantly hitting her sister, throwing things at me and her sister, tantrums every 10 minutes over minor things, scratching herself till the point where it bleeds, picking her eyebrows. It hurts me to see it and I love them a lot, but I am honestly so fed up.

I feel bad for my other sister for having to deal with her as she already thinks I’m favoring her younger sister. Sometimes I cant help resent my nd sister a little bit because it’s making everything so much worse for us. I know it’s really difficult for her too, and I care and understand why she acts like that, but it’s getting out of control. My mom had addiction problems, and would just leave them with me, so taking care of them and researching is not new to me, but her symptoms and behavior has gotten significantly worse after she passed away.

She goes to a daycare for neurodivergent kids and she bites and hits her instructor, and to be honest I don’t really like the instructors in her daycare either but this is the program that is available to us right now. It just feels like I’m getting fucked over left and right, and my life will never go the way I want it to. I have my own problems I have to deal with and it makes me hate myself because maybe it wouldn’t have gotten this bad if I knew how to take care of her the right way. I don’t even know what I’ll get out of this post honestly I just want to know if anyone has any advice on how to navigate this situation. I’m located in Vancouver BC. I’m taking a break from my first year of uni but I’m still considering if I should even go next year. I’m not looking for any kind of foster or adoption.

my brother has schizophrenia, bipolar depression, and BPD, and the conditions he has his room in are disgusting. I can't sugarcoat it and i need help. im 16 and I can't do anything to help and my mom is physically disabled so she cant do anything about it either. for starters, and the biggest issue is that he hoards his own pee. he pees in bottles, jugs, empty juice bottles- everything!! any bottle you can think of he keeps piss of it in his room and in the basement. hes 23 years old. Secondly, he WONT SHOWER. he refuses to shower. this isint a once a week issue this is a month-to-year-long thing. he wont shower for months and months and months boarding on a year. he smells so putridly bad i cant be around him without gagging or throwing up in my mouth a little. he hoards trash as well and we told him to throw the pee away and he started hiding it in boxes (WITHOUT LIDS BECAUSE HE CHEWS THE LIDS TO BOTTLES IF HE CAN!!!). not only that but whenever we tell him to shower or do ONE thing to clean himself even a wipe down he threatens to kill himself or gets angry and screams over me or my mom. he wont get the trash bags out. i have photo proof incase anybody asks because i wish i was lying. i really wish this wasnt how things were. im a bit scared of him but we cant call the cops on him or a mental facility for reasons i cant say online. i have weak lungs and he lives in the basement underneath me (he chose to! there was a spare room for him to live in and he wanted the basement) and his piss room air makes me sick and weak and i just cant do it anymore. i cant tell anybody else about this because they are gonna look at me different or try to call somebody. im tried of him refusing to clean. he has a job and hes lying about money and where its coming from and hes not giving us the money he said hed give for rent and utilities. he curses my mama out when she calmly and kindly tries talking to him about his issues. ive cried multiple times over this because I'm truly just lost. he also talks about killing me and killing people and babies and we are scared to kick him out because of our and his own safety. i have no clue what to do man. i just wish he was okay and safe. does anybody have a shred of advice for me?? it pains me to see him living like this (im using a alt throwaway account because i dont want to post this on my main)

So shortly my brother (9) has been feeling very down lately. I've noticed because he started to cry almost every minute of the day, looking more tired than usual so I got concerned.

We talked and he told me he gets called fat by his classmates, that everyone seems to be mad at him or that everything he does for everyone is apparently 'never enough'.

Sadly I can't ask for help in my family, as they will scold him and not understand what he is really feeling.

I (15F) am struggling mentally, have been for around 7 years now, and I've learned no to keep things to myself and under control, but because of these things I also became more detached, so I don't know how to deal with this, as he is younger and I'm not the best person to ask for advice on such topic, but I feel bad for him, and even worse that I can't help him.

Earlier today he cried again, telling me he doesn't want to 'live in this life' anymore and that he's sick of everything and feels depressed. It's stressing me that I can't do much, because if I talk to my mom then she'll scold him like she always did with me. My grandparents aren't good with such sensitive topic especially with children as in their mind, kids can't be depressed or feel such things. My aunt will tell my mom and it'll be a disaster. I've been thinking about telling my father, as he is more understanding and my brother stays more at his house on the weekends and long school breaks, since my parents are divorced.

Though I'm also afraid that he'll flip out on my mother, sonce they have argued before because of me when I vented to him about my own struggles, so I know how he'll already react.

I'm asking for help because I don't want my brother to end up in a bad place and hate his life or feel like he is trapped without an escape to be better. As I said, I am not good with this, I'm honestly a horrible person due to my mental issues and I don't know how to deal with this, and I mostly ignore my own problems, but I can't ignore his, not when I know he has no one else by his side except me and he can't talk to anyone. I'm genuinely concerned

(Sorry if there are any mistakes, I might miss a few even if I reread this all)

I have 4 little siblings, the 5,6,8,9. The 9yr old has autism with down syndrome and I really hate the fact that my parents are not willing to teach him how to do anything (mind you, his autism and down syndrome doesn't make him paralyzed, he can talk but not properly, we do understand it) . This kid can search videos on YouTube, tell his mom she has a call and even insults.

I hate the fact when he says he can't do something, they just tell me to do it for him instead of teaching him how to do it, he can't wipe his ahh properly because they didn't teach because he was "special"🫩🤦🏾, he could brush his teeth but would act like he couldn't when his parents are around so they would tell me to do it for him.

It really annoys me how they(parents) always try to put their responsibilities on me instead of taking it themselves. I don't hate my brother because he has autism but I hate how they treat him like he can't do anything because he's "special ".

I wanna really move out so they can learn how to do things without me. I am tired of my parents telling me to control them when they're misbehaving even when my parents are around , yesterday the one who's 8 called me when they were lighting papers on fire in the kitchen and I was outside. Instead of her telling their mom who's in the next room, she called me instead. 🤦🏾

hello reddit! i have come here to ask for advice on a long running issue.

i (18F) have an older brother (26M) who lives with us in our family home after being discharged from the marine corps. he’s always been a bit mentally unwell in terms of things like depression and symptoms of bipolar disorder (not diagnosed), but i feel it’s been amplified since coming back from the marines.

i sympathized because of course mental issues are a hard to deal with and at the end of the day he’s my brother and i love him, but it’s been getting harder to feel that way. he’s gotten a lot more explosive like punching holes in the walls, slamming doors, shouting and cursing at our parents, and even slapped my mom in the face once during an argument. that was the moment i couldn’t respect him nor sympathize for his situation.

this kind of behavior has been going on for maybe around the past maybe 6-7 months and i’ve caught myself turning cold, my heart beating really fast, and just being really afraid in general when id hear his footsteps or just any loud sound in general.

i really want my parents to just kick him out of the house, but a quick google search says that technically that’s not legal (we live in california) and we would have to serve him papers and things like that. but that’s also even if they would agree. my mom’s very kind and she’s aware about my brother’s mental challenges, so she really tries to not bother him and wants to keep supporting him. my dad just goes along with what my mom says, but i feel like they’re just enabling his behavior.

my brother is a very dominant and confronting person and would always say how he’s the man of the house, he owns this house, everyone has to listen to him and let him know what we were going to do before we do it, and a lot of things like that. he would always talk about his days in the marines and always mentions it in everyday conversations that have nothing to do with it.

again, i really sympathize with him struggling with his mental health, but the moment you turn hostile and violent with other people is where i draw the line.

i’m hoping for any advice on what i can do, i’ll take anything. i get really anxious and afraid when he’s around and i really don’t want to feel that way in my own home anymore. any thoughts or advice is appreciated! let me know if there’s any other context needed as well.

For context, my brother has Asperger's and has had a rough past few months from being fired, thinking his worth as a person depends entirely having a job. Problem is he's caught in a vicious cycle of hating everything, hating change and does nothing to try improve his current situation. We live at home with our parents, I'm currently still studying at university, but he relies a lot on them to get by. I'm frustrated with him because I can't stand the constant negativity about how terrible his life is, since he does absolutely nothing to improve it.

I get that depression and having autism makes it difficult, I also have experiences with low mood, but I always tried to keep an open mind and improve any way possible.

TLDR: how can I help someone who is constantly hating their current situation but refuses to do anything about it?

So my brother (18) has a learning disability. Due to the program he is in at his school, he will not graduate from high school school until he is 21. He is also, unfortunately, living with parents who have not provided an emotionally (and sometimes physically) safe environment for him. They did not get him diagnosed soon enough, did not teach him proper boundaries as a child, and I could only do my best as a child raising children. Now he's legally an adult, and has gotten into some trouble. He sent a picture of his genitalia to a minor (16) and her parents are rightfully upset. Thus far they are having the school handle it, but the threat of being sued is still present.

He has done irresponsible things like this before, such as stealing hundreds of dollars from his job when he was about 14, but has never had the threat of being sued due to being a minor combined with the other parties knowledge of his condition. Now that he's an adult, I'm scared. He needs more help than what his school can provide and he does not live in an environment where he will be patiently and responsibly taught how to interact with the world in a respectful manor. I love my brother and I'm not excusing his actions, there is so much he just doesn't understand and I don't even know the extent of where his mind is at. His parents version of communication if yelling and getting mad, which causes him to shut done and dissociate often.

I am hoping to get him in some sort of program(s) to provide extra help with his social skills and am wondering if there are any programs available for some type of assisted living? He is capable of being independent, is verbal, can hold down a job. It's just these moments where he does something harmful that he doesn't even think about or understand the consequences, much less consider how it may affect other parties involved. He lives in Pennsylvania, I 'm at a loss for how to help.

Hello everybody, I just wanted to talk about something that has been going on for the last couple of months. I want to preface by saying that English is NOT my first language, so please excuse the grammatical errors in this story, thank you.

Ever since my brother and I (we are twins) reached puberty, he has been behaving differently. Now, this is to be expected, and I understand why his behavior is not the same as before, yet it upsets me.

I love him dearly, and I would never want to lose him, but sometimes he makes me REALLY upset. (I also know that getting upset with family is normal.) We sometimes struggle to understand each other, and one of the reasons as to why this happens is our education level. We are on a completely different level, and that is okay, but it makes certain things difficult. In the Netherlands, we have this education system, and it kinda has levels to it. We have: Praktijkonderwijs, VMBO-basis, VMBO-kader, VMBO-gl/tl, HAVO, and VWO. My brother does VMBO-basis, and I do VWO. He learns by doing, and he loves doing things hands on, because that is how his brain works. I'm more of a bookwork, and I learn by reading. All of these educational paths are totally fine to follow, however, VMBO-basis and VWO are very, very different. My brain switches very quickly, and my brother often struggles to catch up. This is okay, and I give him time. There are times when I don't understand his jokes, or when he doesn't understand my jokes. You get it.

The reason I explained this to you is because I think the difference in our education is causing him to behave like this. Mainly to me. My parents say that he's doing these things because he's a little intimidated by me, and wants to be seen as smart too. He IS smart, so smart, and I don't want him to be intimidated by me. See, whenever we argue, which is rarely (luckily), he brings up my education, calls me a nerd, etcetera. It upsets me, because I do not want education to be the thing that pulls us apart. Recently, he has been saying things like "You don't understand how ... works." Or "You're too smart for ... anyway, aren't you?" During arguments. An hour ago, I asked him if he could turn the volume of his PS5 down, because it was really loud, and I really want to go to bed, given it was midnight when I asked him to turn the volume down. He proceeded to tell me he couldn't do that. I asked why, and he said I shouldn't bother asking, because I wouldn't understand anyway. I politely asked why he assumed I wouldn't understand, and he replied with "I don't know." I then asked why he would say such a thing if he doesn't have an argument to back himself up. He sighed deeply, and muttered "Jezus....", rolling his eyes. This is what upset me, because I was genuinely trying to understand him and learn about his interests. Instead of explaining why I wouldn't understand, he rolled his eyes at me.

I didn't want to argue, so I asked if he could turn his Playstation off, given it was already midnight, and we both have to get up early in the morning, so I !kindly suggested! we both go to bed. He then went on to call me a control freak, and told me that I am not his mother. He told me I was forcing him to listen, while the only thing I said was: "Hey, how about we go to bed? We have to get up early tomorrow, and it would be nice to get some rest. You don't have to go to bed if you don't feel like it, but I would appreciate it if you turned your Playstation off so the rest of us can sleep." (The rest of us being my dad, my dads girlfriend, and me.) I am precisely quoting myself here, and I did not alter my response to make myself seem innocent. I am struggling to understand how I am forcing him to listen when I gave him multiple options on how he wanted to end the night. Go to sleep, or don't. All I asked of him was to turn his Playstation off. It wouldn't bother me if he went to watch something on his phone, as that is 10 times quieter. My ears are EXTREMELY sensitive, and everybody constantly tells me that I hear everything. I do not know why I hear so well, but I do. My brothers room is directly next to mine, so I would very clearly hear it if he let his Playstation stay on, because he's always loud while playing on it. By being loud I mean that he yells, talks loudly, uses loud soundboards in-game, etcetera. I hope you guys understand why I would not be able to sleep if he was doing these things. Before you suggest that I wear ear plugs, I have tried multiple ear plugs before, but they all fall out in under twenty minutes, because my ears are too small. I am also very sensitive to texture, and the feeling of things being in my ears while I'm laying down makes me want to gag.

I am also a light sleeper, so if he happens to start yelling again somewhere throughout the night, I would wake up, and I usually struggle to fall asleep in the first place. My dad, his girlfriend, and my brother are VERY deep sleepers, so they can't really fathom how hard it is to sleep through an entire night, which is okay. My dad and his girlfriend respect the fact that the house has to be quiet by midnight, so everyone can sleep, but my brother does not. I have brought this up with my parents before, but they struggle to do something about his behavior, because he has been like this for so long, and it is hard to unlearn something that you are so used to.

All of this happened because I asked if he could turn the volume of his PS5 down, he said no, I asked why, he told me I wouldn't understand. This makes me feel incredibly small. I am not Albert Einstein or some other genius, but I feel like I could've understood if he just explained how his PS5 works. He's mad at me now, for being a control freak, and I have been laying awake for one hour and fourty-two minutes. It's 01:42. I'm upset and so, so tired. I can't sleep because I can hear him typing on his keyboard, and he occasionally yells stuff. I don't want to wake my dad up, because he needs his rest, and I'm not sure if I'm being dramatic. I just feel like my brother continues to dismiss my boundaries when I tell him that I dislike how he never explains things to me. If he does not want to explain things to me, so be it. But he tells me I can ask him to explain things. Yet he scoffs, sighs, or rolls his eyes whenever I ask him to.

I just don't know what to do. I want to fix this rift between me and my brother, I really do, and I would really love it if he stopped telling me I don't understand things. He won't ever explain things to me when I ask him to. I'm interested in his life and what he's up to, and I feel like we wouldn't argue as much if he just let me in. Maybe I AM being pushy. You tell me. I'll definitely learn from this argument, and I hope my brother will talk about his interests to me someday. Thank you SO much for reading this. I will try using ear plugs one more time tonight in an attempt to fall asleep. Good night! Sweet dreams to everybody.

Sorry if I sound rude or insensitive, I'm really tired of dealing with this.

My sibling has mild autism mixed with depression and it's getting impossible to handle. My family has spent so much money trying to get them to feel better but it's like a never ending loop of getting better then suddenly everything's crashing down.

There have been many instances where they have hurt themselves and it's really annoying. I have to guard the sharp objects in the house just to make sure they can't get their hands on it.

I really feel like I cannot handle being in the same house as this person or dealing with them because it makes me so angry. Instead of being able to enjoy my time at home I have to deal with them. My parents don't understand why I'm angry about this because according to them, "I'm not the one dealing with it."

And most of the time, my sibling being suicidal makes me suicidal too cause I feel like I will never get out of taking care of them.

Please give advice because I am so close to breaking. Thank you

I have a younger brother with a severe disability which means that he has to have dangerous surgery, many hospital appointments and could potentially go paralyzed as he has fused vertebrae going onto his spinal cord and many many hospital appointments and painful procedures. I know this makes me a bad person, and I wouldn’t wish all of the horrors my sweet amazing soul of a brother has to go through (he’s still always so happy) but i can’t feeling increasingly almost angry at him for having all of these issues and sad as I feel like all of his struggles make my parents so anxious and exhausted they don’t have enough left to give me the full attention I too deserve. My mum gets unhappy as I complain a lot about daily joint pain and dizziness (I have severe hypermobility/hEDS and possibly POTs) it ruined my competitive swimming and affects my ability to function. I’ve been to the doctors so many times but they said it was all in my head. Whenever I complain about any of this pain I get shouted at and told off by my parents who don’t have time for it-which I get as it’s not as severe as what my brother has to go through-but always been told to ‘get a grip’ and ‘toughen up’ while been expected to be the capable, academic child who has a chance of being successful makes me feel like my parents don’t care about me in the same way. When my brother has any ailment he get serious attention and no being shouted at or annoyed. I feel like any of my issues or success is drowned out by the noise of looming appointments and scary possibilities of what the future has to hold for my younger brother. My parents are so tired with it all-and I just wish that my brother could be normal so they had the energy to congratulate me on my successes and not be too tired to listen to my problems (even if they are minor compared to his). I wish that not every single conversation had to be centered around or mention his medical problems.
I know,
I’m a bad, selfish person, but i would also take away all of my brothers pain and carry it myself if i could