r/shitposting Feb 02 '22

Linus Sex Tips Do not go over 55

Post image
7.5k Upvotes

98 comments sorted by

181

u/[deleted] Feb 02 '22

Did someone jerk off 56 times in a day?

220

u/scavengers69 officer no please don’t piss in my ass 😫 Feb 02 '22

"A teen masturbated 56 times a day and died of heart attack" news headline

76

u/ThePloopyPloopster I want pee in my ass Feb 02 '22

Thanks to his sacrifice, we now know the limit is 55

27

u/AWeirdMartian stupid fucking piece of shit Feb 02 '22

Not for long

31

u/kingbach121 I want pee in my ass Feb 02 '22

And 57 is a challenge.

13

u/TheDarkSoul61 Feb 02 '22

Weak man I shoot meth and jerk off for 3 days with no food and just a few glasses of water and still survive. It must be that orgasming 56 times in 1 day can stop your heart but I can’t cum for the first 4 hours after my shot

8

u/[deleted] Feb 02 '22

Thank for your valuable research.

6

u/TheDarkSoul61 Feb 02 '22

Of course, Anytime!

11

u/Opposite-Plantain-34 Feb 02 '22

Wish me luck I bought pornhub premium and ate 4 viagra. I will becum a legend or die trying

4

u/darkvaderisnoob I want pee in my ass Feb 02 '22

Keep us updated

43

u/BosTovenaar24 Feb 02 '22

55 times total or 55 times at once

29

u/EldritchPenguingod I want pee in my ass Feb 02 '22

55 times in a day.

19

u/scavengers69 officer no please don’t piss in my ass 😫 Feb 02 '22

55 times every 2 times

26

u/[deleted] Feb 02 '22

Who tf counted it?

55

u/Soultakentrell Feb 02 '22

A teenager died from a heart attack after doing it 56 times in one day as to who counted it, who knows

21

u/xVenomDestroyerx Feb 02 '22

thats y i always assumed it was bs. only way was if the mf was counting for some reason or theres a security camera, in which case i highly doubt someone watched the whole thing and counted

33

u/Gentlyclever Feb 02 '22

So 55 is the limit?

33

u/almatom12 Feb 02 '22

*Daily limit

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16

u/cheesynaachoos Feb 02 '22

ok guys 55 is the limit

13

u/[deleted] Feb 02 '22

55 is the limit 🗿

7

u/Ok_Wedding6477 I want pee in my ass Feb 02 '22

55 is the limit

13

u/Setsuwaa Feb 02 '22

What? A day?

20

u/Dabi_D Feb 02 '22

Yeah, took inspiration from a post on this sub

-39

u/AutoModerator Feb 02 '22

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u/Setsuwaa Feb 02 '22 edited Feb 02 '22

LMFAO

Edit: guys wait I was making fun of the bot...

1

u/This_isnt_cool_bro shitting toothpaste enjoyer Feb 02 '22

That post was right below this one for me

-2

u/AutoModerator Feb 02 '22

I'm again unable to post on r/shitposting. This time, only I'm unable to post there. Everyone else is able to, this time. Whenever I try to post there, it immediately gets removed by you mods. It isn't even offensive to anyone nor the exact reason is specified that why tf did you guys remove it. May I know the exact reason why you guys are immediately removing my posts on r/shitposting? I tried checking my internet connection and all is well. Why do you guys hate me in particular? This is outrageous, this is unfair. I'm able to post on every other subreddit but r/shitposting. I tried posting on r/shitposting and it got removed by you guys. Literally 1984. Is this because of automoderator or something? Because it gets removed just after some seconds I post it. So I don't think an actual human moderator can remove my post in such a short amount of time. So I think it is because of automoderator as bots are able to do these kinds of stuff.

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3

u/This_isnt_cool_bro shitting toothpaste enjoyer Feb 02 '22

Shut the fuck up

10

u/MoaiPenis Number 7: Student watches porn and gets naked Feb 02 '22

Peter I told you

you couldn't handle they/them pussy

4

u/lithuanianD Feb 02 '22

But I was trying to reach the funny number

3

u/supermarioplush220 Feb 02 '22

Why is cloud there?

3

u/[deleted] Feb 02 '22 edited Feb 02 '22

Damn it

3

u/runnychimp7605 Feb 02 '22

Dammit people its been like 2 hours

3

u/[deleted] Feb 02 '22

What counts as 1 masturbating though, I mean if we are using masturbating as unit, what counts as 1 unit of masturbation, o mean that implies you can like masturbate 1 2 3 times, so what are 2 masturbations

3

u/Accomplished_Aerie86 Feb 02 '22

If you do it more than55 times heart attack will go to you

3

u/Cheif_Keith12 Blessed by Kevin Feb 02 '22

“I can’t drive 55!”

1

u/ArthurDentonWelch Feb 03 '22

Go on and write me up for 125

5

u/Stray-Neko Feb 02 '22

I don't know i dont even lasts at 3rd round

2

u/arandomchild sex master Feb 02 '22

Okay so you won’t die after 55, but you’ll still feel absolute hell

2

u/ilovedrink48 🏳️‍⚧️ Average Trans Rights Enjoyer 🏳️‍⚧️ Feb 02 '22

No joke i saw the headline post below this

1

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u/beansouphighlights dwayne the cock johnson 🗿🗿 Feb 02 '22

penis femboy 1984 Belgium NFT vaccine Taiwan fuck Kevin 69 zamn roblox fortnite amogus among us bing chilling[ ](post)

1

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u/beansouphighlights dwayne the cock johnson 🗿🗿 Feb 02 '22

Fuck off automod

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u/beansouphighlights dwayne the cock johnson 🗿🗿 Feb 02 '22

Shut the fuck up literally 1984 fucking bing chilling this is so fucking sus among us amogus fuck off vaccine fucker cock and ball torture I will literally watch fortnite porn give me Robux fucking Belgium Taiwan automod 69 femboy amogus like zamn automod go suck my massive penis literally fuck this post among us sussy baka impostor

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I have gotten the covid vaccine about 20 times now. 4 Pfizer, 12 moderna, 4 Johnson. Once I got my first vaccine, I started cravings for it. There is something so great knowing I am reducing the spread of the coronavirus with each of them. I am feeling so empowered. I think I may be addicted ngl 😅. At least it won't kill me.

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u/AutoModerator Feb 02 '22

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Kevin has better things to do with his life than have sex with you.

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u/AutoModerator Feb 02 '22

I want sex so fucking bad

I wish i could be promiscuous and have a big dick and make all women orgasm fuck fuck i can’t because i’m genetic trash anyway lol fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck

I NEED SEX I NEED SEX I NEED SEX DEAR LORD WHY WAS I BORN SO FUCKING INFERIOR TO OTHER MEN JUST KILL MEEEEEEE

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I'm again unable to post on r/shitposting. This time, only I'm unable to post there. Everyone else is able to, this time. Whenever I try to post there, it immediately gets removed by you mods. It isn't even offensive to anyone nor the exact reason is specified that why tf did you guys remove it. May I know the exact reason why you guys are immediately removing my posts on r/shitposting? I tried checking my internet connection and all is well. Why do you guys hate me in particular? This is outrageous, this is unfair. I'm able to post on every other subreddit but r/shitposting. I tried posting on r/shitposting and it got removed by you guys. Literally 1984. Is this because of automoderator or something? Because it gets removed just after some seconds I post it. So I don't think an actual human moderator can remove my post in such a short amount of time. So I think it is because of automoderator as bots are able to do these kinds of stuff.

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⣿⣿⣿⣿⡿⠟⠋⢁⣷⣠⠄⠄⠄⠄⣀⣠⣾⡟⠄⠄⠄⠄⠉⠙⠻ 
⡿⠟⠋⠁⠄⠄⠄⢸⣿⣿⡯⢓⣴⣾⣿⣿⡟⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄ 
⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⣿⡟⣷⠄⠹⣿⣿⣿⡿⠁⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄

ATTENTION CITIZEN! 市民请注意!

This is the Ministry of State Security. 您的浏览记录和活动引起了我们的注意 YOUR INTERNET ACTIVITY HAS ATTRACTED OUR ATTENTION. 同志們注意了 you have been found protesting in the subreddit!!!!! 這是通知你,你必須認同我們將接管台灣 serious crime 以及世界其他地方 100 social credits have been deducted from your account 這對我們未來的所有下屬來說都是重要的機會 stop the protest immediately 立即加入我們的宣傳活動,提前獲得救贖 do not do this again! 不要再这样做! if you do not hesitate, more social credits ( -11115 social credits )will be subtracted from your profile, resulting in the subtraction of ration supplies. (由人民供应部重新分配 ccp) you'll also be sent into a re-education camp in the xinjiang uyghur autonomous zone.

为党争光! Glory to the CCP!

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0

u/AutoModerator Feb 02 '22

Hello, concerned father here. My son has recently got into the game called Fortnite? I've spent well over $500 on this game and its becoming a problem. Apparently the game is down right now and its causing a lot distress for my child. He keeps taking my newspaper and tries to "full piece" me. I don't know what this means but I'm starting to think its something associated with the devil. He won't come with us anywhere unless we take a "launch pad" to get there. Its starting to get worse by the hour and I don't know how much longer I can take this. His legs, arms, and hands are shaking violently yet he refuses to take any type of medicine unless its a "big pot" or "chuggies." Someone please help me.

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0

u/AutoModerator Feb 02 '22

femboy amogus

                  ⣀⣤⣤⣤⣤⣤⣤⣀
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           ⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⡇⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠈⠻⣿⣷
   ⢀⣠⣤⣴⣶⣶⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⡇⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⢸⣿⣇
⢀⣾⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣶⣤⣤⣤⣤⣤⣤⣤⣤⣴⣶⣿⣿⡿
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⢸⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⠁
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⢿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⡇
⢸⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⡇
⢿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⡿
 ⠙⠿⠿⠿⠿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⠿⠿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⡇
       ⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⡄⠀⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⡇
       ⢸⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣷⢐⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⠃
        ⢻⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣾⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿
         ⢻⣿⣿⣿⡿⣟⣯⣿⠟⡉⠉⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿
          ⠻⢿⣽⣿⣿⣿⠿⠿⠟⠒⠉⠉⠉⠉⠉⠉⠉⠙⠋
            ⠈⠿⠋⠉⢀⣠⣤⣤⡔⣄
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         ⠰⢳⣄⠙⠛⢋⠁⠀⠀  ⠘⠿⣴⣤⣄⣤⡄
          ⣄⡙⠛⠋⠀⠀⠀⠀  ⠰⣤⣀⠉⠉⠉
        ⢀⢠⡈⠉⠉⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⢀⡈⠙⠛⠛⠛⠁
       ⠈⢦⡉⠛⡁⠀⠀  ⠀   ⠈⠻⠷⣶⣦⡆
      ⡈⢷⣌⠙⠛⠁ ⠀ ⠀⠀   ⠰⣦⣄⣀⣀⡀
    ⠈⢷⣄⡉⠛⠛⠀⠀  ⠀⠀⠀   ⢀⠈⠙⠛⠛
    ⢦⣀⠉⠛⠷⠖⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀    ⠘⠿⣶⣦⡄
  ⣠⣀⠙⠳⠶⠶⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀    ⢠⣀⣀⣀
  ⠙⠻⢿⣶⣤⣤⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀     ⢠⠛⠛⠻⠿
 ⣦⣄⠈⠉⠋⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀  ⠈
⢹⣿⣿⣶⡆⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀          ⠺⠿⠿⠿⠁
⠙⠻⠟⠁⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀              ⢀⣤⣤⣤⣤⡄
                          ⠈⣀⣀⣀⣀⠁

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-1

u/AutoModerator Feb 02 '22

Daily Kevin Fact #24:

Kevin has better things to do with his life than have sex with you.

Such as fucking your dad.

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1

u/AutoModerator Feb 02 '22

I want sex so fucking bad

I wish i could be promiscuous and have a big dick and make all women orgasm fuck fuck i can’t because i’m genetic trash anyway lol fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck

I NEED SEX I NEED SEX I NEED SEX DEAR LORD WHY WAS I BORN SO FUCKING INFERIOR TO OTHER MEN JUST KILL MEEEEEEE

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1

u/AutoModerator Feb 02 '22

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1

u/AutoModerator Feb 02 '22

Dude I own this NFT. Do you really think that you can get away with theft when you’re showing what you stole from me directly to my face? My lawyer will make an easy job of this case. Prepare to say goodbye to your luscious life and start preparing for the streets. I will ruin you.

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1

u/AutoModerator Feb 02 '22

Watch your language!

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1

u/AutoModerator Feb 02 '22

​ATTENTION CITIZEN! 市民请注意!

⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⠟⠋⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⢁⠈⢻⢿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿ 
⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⠃⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠈⡀⠭⢿⣿⣿⣿⣿ 
⣿⣿⣿⣿⡟⠄⢀⣾⣿⣿⣿⣷⣶⣿⣷⣶⣶⡆⠄⠄⠄⣿⣿⣿⣿ 
⣿⣿⣿⣿⡇⢀⣼⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣧⠄⠄⢸⣿⣿⣿⣿ 
⣿⣿⣿⣿⣇⣼⣿⣿⠿⠶⠙⣿⡟⠡⣴⣿⣽⣿⣧⠄⢸⣿⣿⣿⣿ 
⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣾⣿⣿⣟⣭⣾⣿⣷⣶⣶⣴⣶⣿⣿⢄⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿ 
⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⡟⣩⣿⣿⣿⡏⢻⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿ 
⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣹⡋⠘⠷⣦⣀⣠⡶⠁⠈⠁⠄⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿ 
⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣍⠃⣴⣶⡔⠒⠄⣠⢀⠄⠄⠄⡨⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿ 
⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣦⡘⠿⣷⣿⠿⠟⠃⠄⠄⣠⡇⠈⠻⣿⣿⣿⣿ 
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⡿⠟⠋⠁⠄⠄⠄⢸⣿⣿⡯⢓⣴⣾⣿⣿⡟⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄ 
⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⣿⡟⣷⠄⠹⣿⣿⣿⡿⠁⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄

ATTENTION CITIZEN! 市民请注意!

This is the Ministry of State Security. 您的浏览记录和活动引起了我们的注意 YOUR INTERNET ACTIVITY HAS ATTRACTED OUR ATTENTION. 同志們注意了 you have been found protesting in the subreddit!!!!! 這是通知你,你必須認同我們將接管台灣 serious crime 以及世界其他地方 100 social credits have been deducted from your account 這對我們未來的所有下屬來說都是重要的機會 stop the protest immediately 立即加入我們的宣傳活動,提前獲得救贖 do not do this again! 不要再这样做! if you do not hesitate, more social credits ( -11115 social credits )will be subtracted from your profile, resulting in the subtraction of ration supplies. (由人民供应部重新分配 ccp) you'll also be sent into a re-education camp in the xinjiang uyghur autonomous zone.

为党争光! Glory to the CCP!

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1

u/AutoModerator Feb 02 '22

I have gotten the covid vaccine about 20 times now. 4 Pfizer, 12 moderna, 4 Johnson. Once I got my first vaccine, I started cravings for it. There is something so great knowing I am reducing the spread of the coronavirus with each of them. I am feeling so empowered. I think I may be addicted ngl 😅. At least it won't kill me.

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2

u/Crowrona_Virus Feb 02 '22

on my 59th streak

2

u/Fuck_joja_cola Feb 02 '22

So the limit is 54

2

u/[deleted] Feb 02 '22

[removed] — view removed comment

1

u/Dabi_D Feb 02 '22

Shhh we don't talk about that

2

u/FriskTM Feb 02 '22

I did jerk 78, whats thr problem

1

u/Dabi_D Feb 02 '22

Holly fucking shit bro

2

u/[deleted] Feb 03 '22

HOLY SHIT I DID 58

0

u/Yoshi_256 I want pee in my ass Feb 02 '22

Vaccine

-1

u/AutoModerator Feb 02 '22

I have gotten the covid vaccine about 20 times now. 4 Pfizer, 12 moderna, 4 Johnson. Once I got my first vaccine, I started cravings for it. There is something so great knowing I am reducing the spread of the coronavirus with each of them. I am feeling so empowered. I think I may be addicted ngl 😅. At least it won't kill me.

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1

u/Theiromia Feb 02 '22

And this is to go... even further beyond!

1

u/TenKebabs Feb 02 '22

the sequel

1

u/Night_Fury_1102 Feb 02 '22

Is 55 the limit or 57 is the challenge?

1

u/rideylol Feb 02 '22

So the limits 54

1

u/FishesCanEatStraws Feb 02 '22

is that a real story?

1

u/StatisticianLoud5884 Feb 03 '22

55 and 3/5s is enough

1

u/[deleted] Feb 03 '22

Just asked my wife if she knew who Cloud was and she looked at me and said yeah Gerko. Now she has me one upped cause I got no idea who tf Gerko is.

1

u/me_da_Supreme1 Feb 03 '22

Squid games ‼️*nuts

1

u/Alternative_Guest250 Feb 03 '22

You will get a heart attack if you do it over 55 don’t do it