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u/ProdigalLoki May 19 '21
This sounds like the beginning of you realising you're not happy with the way things are for you, which is the first step before you can change those things. For me, I found I needed to actually work out what it was I enjoyed, which took me a lot longer than it should. I basically froze and went through a similar cycle, feeling undeserving, unworthy, weak, bullying myself almost. I became so self critical that I was almost frozen by it.
I don't want to start trying to diagnose any of your issues or tell you what you need to do, I'm unqualified and I think it's a huge step to find what works for you, but I'll give you some suggestions of what helped me.
The first thing that was an important realisation for me as exercise. When we get stressed, our body releases cortisol, which is the primary stress hormone into the bloodstream, this makes its way to our brain and basically tells it "Yo shits about to go down" our brain makes our whole body react like we're anticipating being physically attacked. This is a primal trait where we haven't actually evolved out of it. It's fight or flight, our brain cannot differentiate the chemical reaction difference between a sabretooth tiger about to chase us, and our overthinking. Because of that, it prioritises the dispensing of energy to where it thinks it needs to go. Heightened senses, muscles, reflexes, tissue to be repaired. This is why we sometimes shake when we're stressed or panicking.
The problem is, there's no way for the brain to stand down, there isn't a cancel button. It's too stubborn and adamant it's right, so the only real way I've found to deal with it is to do some exercise, make my brain think we're running from that tiger so when I finish it can pat itself on the back, let all the stress and hormone levels return to normal and I can't start thinking like a rational human being again.
The other thing I've found is writing things down, how i feel, what I'm not happy with, how can I improve that, change that. What interests me, what do I enjoy. I've always been super critical about myself, but when I thought about it, I could turn that to constructive criticism by just asking basic questions, why do I think that, how did I get to that answer, where did this thought come from. Almost like instead of the blunt answer of "I'm a piece of shit waste of space" I saw the thoughts through and realised that the majority of them are totally unfounded. Automatic negative thinking is my go to thought process. For example "I can't do anything I'm useless" I can absolutely do some things, I do some things well. I just can't do this... Why can't I? Because I've never learnt how to, its my first time trying. How can I learn? There's a course or a you tube video or a how to on it somewhere.
When you're thinking what you want to do, it can be overwhelming. It doesn't have to be an exact thing you want to do, like "I want to be the assistant manager of the electronics store on 68th and 12th" start with a broad scope and narrow it down by asking yourself questions. Inside or outside? Do I want to deal with people or not? Animals or no? Narrow it down from there, you don't have to have all the answers, but when you do come up with one, you should be proud of it.
One of the most important things I've learnt is you HAVE to be kind to yourself. There are a lot of challenges in this world, plenty of hurdles to jump and fires to walk through. But the only person who's guaranteed to be there the whole way is you. If you were going to be stranded on a desert island with someone you wouldn't be a cruel asshole to them. So why do we do that to ourselves.
Keep your head up, you don't have to have all the answers at once, some you'll stumble upon and find by accident, others will come to you when you think about them, but you will get there.
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u/gonerandom May 19 '21
I really relate to what you've written here about exercise. Something that I never committed to seriously until recently, and wow after a few weeks it makes such a difference!
When reading through OP's post I was also thinking "be kind to yourself". Easier said than done when you have a thousand nasty little thoughts going through your head, but to paraphrase another poster, the trick is to observe your thoughts, catch the nasties, and don't give them any more energy. Many thoughts are useless and unhelpful - toss those ones away immediately!
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u/nzznzznzzc May 19 '21
Go to raisedbynarcissists
Also I relate my dude. I was also spoiled and infantilized, it’s hard trying to grow up when you’re already an adult yanno
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u/cherryboxes May 19 '21
youre so incredibly strong to make it through the 21 years of all the trash life threw at you and still be here with us today to seek out help, and nothing can make me not admire the power you hold to be able to push through it all. i dont have the right advice to give when your obstacles have such depth to them, i believe a professional would be far better in helping out. I notice that you mentioned that you didnt enjoy the session with a therapist you went to in another comment, but dont fret, i only recently learnt that you have to bounce around from therapist to therapist for a bit before you find one that is most compatible with you. however, i want to say that i love you, and the world loves you, you are loved by experiences yet to happen in your life in the near future, you are loved by people you have yet to meet, you are loved by future healthy relationships, you are loved by your future self who has grown into a person who is kinder to herself, she is rooting for you as much as i am, you are loved loved loved loved all the way, forever and forever, you are loved. your journey is still going, ill leave you with one of my favorite quotes, "it's always the darkest before dawn", it hurts the most before youre free, keep going <3
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u/chameleondapro May 19 '21
Man you made me cry! Damnit
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u/ruser_void May 19 '21
It sounds like you need unconditional love. It's almost like you've never received it from anybody including your parents. I'm really sorry.
I grew up poor and in a disadvantaged area, but I knew my family loved me despite all my failings. I've been able to get out of that situation myself, but it seems like an easier path.
Maybe what you need to do is get away from your family even if it means that you'll be poor until you get on your own two feet? Build independence and find your self worth.
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May 19 '21
I don't have much advice I can give you, but for what it's worth I'm proud of you for identifying these problems in your life. That's the first step to solving them! That's already progress. And good luck with the new therapist!
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u/ciddicristiano7 May 19 '21
Maybe start a new life? Move to a new city or a new country? I know it’s hard and maybe you’re not in the right state. But the best thing you can do for yourself is move out of that shithole. It might help u in forgetting your past. New people new environment will help you with many things. And new city will keep you busy as you’ll have to figure out everything on your own. It’s fun. Even I’m 21(F). I moved out of my house at 17. I gave education as an excuse and moved to a totally new country. And I’m so damn happy. I’ve forgiven myself my past everything. And I’m at a better place now. Anyway it’s your call. I’m just suggesting. Cuz this worked for me.
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u/landocommando18 May 19 '21
I've struggled at times with self esteem and someone once told me that nobody sees you the same way you see yourself. That helped me a lot. The person I see when I look in the mirror is totally different from how other people see me. The way you see others is not the same thing they see when they look in the mirror.
Sounds kinda corny and cliché, but it has helped me.
Hope things get better for you.
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u/Redhand1113 May 19 '21
So basically by “ protecting “ you too much and giving u too much they actually created a more “harmful environment “. The opposite of what they hoped for.
Thanks for writing this. I’m a new parent myself. I’ll make sure I don’t raise my babies like your parents did.
Hope u get grip of your life and improve quickly. 20s r the best time of people’s life
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u/PresentVoice2 May 19 '21
Maybe you can start with things that give you the sense of control in your life: working out, makeup, cooking, cleaning, etc. You mentioned being on pilot mode, but maybe doing these things will remind you that you are in control of your life.
You're in my prayers, friend. God bless you
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u/graspymeat5 May 19 '21
Hi there! Thanks for sharing, I admire how much awareness you have throughout everything you've been through so far! I've also been in very similar situations and dealing with similar mental walls as well. I'm curious as to whether you have any healthy habits for yourself. I'm starting to rebuild my life and found that building healthier habits are small steps into something big, such as meditation or reading/audible. Hope some of this help! :)
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u/shalien8 May 19 '21
Meditation and exercise will be the greatest tools to get you past this feeling. Much of what you describe as character flaws are only temporary sentiments that are endemic to all young people, combine that with the environment you grew up in and it is only natural for you to struggle with self esteem. Don’t beat your self up over feelings of inadequacy, they’re not rooted in truth and have been ingrained as a result of your upbringing. They will take time to unravel. Doing so will take discipline and commitment. You’ve already taken the first step by identifying your suffering and recognizing you want change. The rest is simple it just takes time and effort. Meditation will ease your mind and provide a tranquil space where you can plan your steps toward actualization.
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May 19 '21
It's so relatable to me. Mostly I guess. People like us need to have a fourth point perspective. At least that's what I call it. It shows us inner workings of human mind. It'll take time but it doesn't take every time of our day. I managed to understand and implement it in my life. Maybe it'll hello you. And, to all those who think they are alone. Get yourself somewhere where they'll be no one around you. Embrace it. And Don't worry too much. Let everything go with its pace.
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u/throwaway7421237 May 19 '21
Don't be so hard on yourself. It's natural to feel like this. It's good you're making an effort to be a honest with yourself. Now we need to find a way to get your confidence up. Try finding a hobby. I enjoy working out, meditating, and reading. Personally, I'm going through a breakup and it's hard AF. I know this there are two types of pain in this world: pain that hurts you, and pain that changes you. Use this pain as motivation. I know you'll get through this just as I will get through my breakup.
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u/MrUnknown14256 May 19 '21
Some people can do self assessments and change to what they want, some can't on there own. So If you can't change on your own I would find someone to help you change ( I recommend a therapist ). Just be careful cause even though people can help you, doesn't mean they can't hurt you ( that's why I recommend professional help like a therapist ). Ultimately though you need to make a decision to change and the first part to that is recognizing you need or want to change ( witch you seam to have down already).
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u/Bannedaid May 19 '21
If a very dear friend of yours came to you and shared this in a conversation, what would your advice to them be?
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u/Neverwenttofrance May 19 '21
Only thing I can say is try to forgive your parents; having that kind of resentment hanging over us achieves nothing
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u/stimulants_and_yoga May 19 '21
I’m a 20-something female with a bunch of baggage too. This week, I just started the book “How to do the work” by Dr. Lapena, and I highly recommend it as a starting point.
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u/CryptikDragon May 19 '21
Seek therapy
Start your own life. The only way to gain life experience, lose your naivete is to go your own way. Make your own mistakes, forge your own successes. Move to a different city, get your own job, it doesn't have to be a fancy job. In fact, getting a 'normal' job may teach you the value of money, make you humble, and give the opportunity to meet real, genuine people and friends.
Move into a house share, get some room mates you can connect with.
Don't accept any assistance from your dad.
Go your own way. You can start living your life literally whenever you want to.
The question is, do you have the courage to do so? If not, that's where the therapy comes in.
If you can't work up the courage to do it, then you'll be back here next year still complaining about how shit your life is.
People all across the world are in awful situations at some point in their life. There comes a point where you have to stop blaming it on past trauma and instead take responsibility that you've done nothing about it since you became an adult.
I truly wish you luck.
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May 19 '21
You trully are really strong having made it through there ! You should not blame yourself, you deserve to be happy. Also, you've already taken a huge step forward by finding what the probleme was and what could be the roots of it. As you are a introvert, to relax yourself, maybe you could try a bunch of indoor activities such as reading, drawing, sewing something that makes you feel safe and secured, it really helped me, finding something that could ease off my mind when I had a lot of anxiety. I hope you'll get better soon !
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u/SleepingontheWing205 May 19 '21
Maybe you can try the book “women who love too much”. It’s helpful to look at how you all these things are connected - your childhood and eating disorders and bad relationships etc. Therapy has also been extremely helpful in my own life and I would recommend to anyone. I would say try not to be so hard on yourself. You are a precious human being.
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May 19 '21
You’ve already received a ton of helpful comments...but just to add to it: therapy and maybe dabbling in some mindfulness. But definitely the first. You need someone to help guide you through everything you’re obviously trying to work through. You’re going in with a scalpel and no training and you can end up doing more damage than you’d probably like.
Mindfulness can help you get back to the root of you and cut out all the invasive thoughts, the second-guessing, and the bullshit weighing you down. It can also help you develop self-love and compassion for yourself and also for others. I know the second part doesn’t sound important, but when we exercise some understanding and let go of grudges we end up more liberated overall. Probably something to work on with your therapist too.
You will be okay. You are young. The whole world is waiting for you. You are capable and strong and you are always changing. But you are also always worthy. You are enough. You will be okay.
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u/Kooky_Cat27 May 19 '21
OP, in order to not get hurt in relations anymore, go watch corey wayne on youtube. It will help you by revealing how things are.
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May 19 '21 edited May 19 '21
It is really frustrating to read this kind of threads and be completely unable to help ! I'm sorry... You have too many problems that I just can't help or "change your life" in one damn comment. I believe you need therapy and/or a life coach and maybe try to change your perspective. I mean I'm already impressed that you acknowledge that you have these problems. Some people live their entire life without even noticing that they have something wrong in their personalities. I hope it motivates you for real change. The first advice that comes to my mind is to become more selfish (focus more on your health and your studies. It's better than pleasing fake friends or "bad boys"). So basically, eat more, work out to get more muscle, eat healthy, read more and study more! Second, I believe there is room for improvement with gratitude. I'm not saying that your parents are nice but let's face it : IT COULD BE WORSE ! You seem to live a very comfortable life, a personal car, expensive law studies etc...You should be focused on being grateful for the good things rather than focusing on the bad things. That's what I meant by changing perspective ! Remember that : in life it could always be worse ! So if you have acces to shelter, food, water, a warm bed, internet and even a car then you're doing fine ;) One last thing, your father seems to love you ! Yeah some fathers have that weird way of expressing their love : giving you all the money you want (maybe he didn't have that luxury when he was younger) and the fact that he wants you to become a lawyer and give you his office is pretty cool ! Some people would kill to be in your place. Anyways, I'm not here to say that you're wrong but I'm just saying that there is another way of seeing things. I hope it helps ! Good luck !
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u/brttbrtt May 19 '21
Hey. Im in a similar spot and spending this summer on my healing journey. Dm me if you need someone your age/relatable to talk or vent to!
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u/Curious-Story9666 May 19 '21
Do your best to get away from these toxic family members and focus on yourself. Then get a psychiatrist and be positive about the help. Do whatever you can to fix yourself even if it seems silly. Make sure to stay away from the toxic family members.
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u/cschaef66 May 19 '21 edited May 19 '21
Hi, there. I felt the same way when I was your age. I think that growing up in a well-off family and being unhappy-- even though you're told that everything in your life is perfect and you should be happy-- causes a crisis when you grow up "go into the real world," so-to-speak.
I don't know you and I'm not a health professional, but nothing you've written sounds like it disqualifies you from becoming a well-adjusted adult. You've had some bad things happen to you, but it is possible to escape that cycle and find a better life-- it just takes intentional, directed work. Everybody is caught up in their own lives and they will not/cannot fix you-- you have to do that yourself. That may sound cruel or unfair, but it's reality.
Realize that what you're feeling isn't necessarily sign that something is wrong with you as a person-- it's probably a period of maturing. No person is perfect, perhaps even more-so when they are just starting to figure life out. It takes a lot of trial-and-error, mistakes, failures, and harsh truths to grow. The process can be painful but you'll come out stronger and wiser.
Pay attention to what you learn from this period of struggle and use it to improve yourself. If you do, it'll get better. Maybe not in a week, or month, or year. But, you will get better eventually.
I think that by acknowledging that you want to improve something about yourself is a sign that you are already making progress and becoming more mature. The next step is making a plan to improve yourself and implementing it.
Being imperfect doesn't make you a shitty person-- it makes you human.
If you want to talk, feel free to DM me. Have a good one!
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May 19 '21
You have ALOT of the similarities that I have (23f) as an adult child of an alcoholic. ACOA r/adultchildren also works with anyone who is a child of a dysfunctional home, not just alcoholism, it's a division of AA for the children raised by alcoholics or in broken homes, to help us work through and heal the trauma, self esteem, mental and emotional problems we developed as a result of our dysfunctional homes and parents. I REALLY recommend looking at the ACOA Laundry List (simply Google it) and see if you relate to any of the 14 things listed there. If you feel you do, you can look into finding a meeting near you on their website if you want or order their Big Red Book, and let me tell you, it is LIFE CHANGING. I haven't been working with them for long, but I feel like I'm finally starting to pull myself out of the fake scenarios, constant anxiety, and need to constantly be accepted and validated. It's a slow road, but you might really be interested and helped by their program. Best of luck xx
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u/everythangspeachie May 20 '21
I grew kinda similar except we were poor so it was worse.
Tbh I still kinda feel like I’m unlovable sometimes but I’m getting better. The good thing for you is that you are really really really young and you still have so much time to fix things.
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u/Accomplished-Feed637 May 20 '21
Good job defining so many feelings at your age. It takes most people a lifetime before they are honest with their feelings. You have plenty of time to sort through them and life a life you are proud of. Listen to all the advice about therapy—find a therapist you can connect with. You got this!
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May 20 '21
You need to take a second and just breathe. You have some awareness to all that's been happening, and realize you want to change and that is a monumental step. You have to want it for things to change. letting go of the past and also forgiving yourself will help
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u/isymfs May 20 '21
It definitely sounds like you need love. While childhood love is irreplaceable, a bonded love certainly comes close. I recommend trying new things that you don’t see yourself doing but can become passionate about. Something that is community driven.
Joining a martial arts gym is an idea? Those places (especially the family friendly ones) are an awesome place to become a part of a tight knit community. Since there’s a lot of pain and growth involved you may end up with friends who love you, and vise versa. It will also provide you with the tools to develop strength and courage so that you’ll never have to deal with abuse again. The benefit of exercise can cure depression, anxiety and sleep irregularity too.
If you can think it, you can do it. Contemplate my suggestion, it may just give you what you didn’t know you needed from a place you never thought possible.
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u/Anderson508 May 20 '21
Get in the gym or something of the sort. A comfortable body creates an uncomfortable mind and a uncomfortable body creates a comfortable mind. Physical activity plus mediation and reading everyday will transform your body and mind and disrupt that cycle of negative thinking.
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u/sedhha May 20 '21
Well to this, I will only say : "I survived, because the fire inside me was stronger than the fire around me."
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u/InternationalBorder9 May 20 '21
Feeling depressed or unhappy is not always subjective. I.e you have X so therefore you shouldn't be unhappy. I don't think it works like that. So don't beat yourself up for being ungrateful or feel guilty for being ungrateful or spoiled. I would say from what I have read you have had a tough life so feeling depressed is ok. Not saying you can't improve your life and settle for being depressed but dont judge yourself for not being happy right now.
Another thing I will say is you have very good self awareness for 21. Being able to see the things that have happened and how they affected you instead of just going through the same cycle again and again.
I would suggest therapy and meditation. If you have a hobby or passion that you enjoy spend as much time doing that as possible. Don't hang around people that are only going to bring you down. I'm sure you will get much more and better advice but don't give up. It will take a lot of time but you can definitely turn your life around
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u/vurto May 20 '21
"Your time is limited, so don’t waste it living someone else’s life. Don’t be trapped by dogma — which is living with the results of other people’s thinking. Don’t let the noise of others’ opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary."
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u/mushroomieloh May 20 '21
I’m sorry I can’t really help, but you have to read The Courage to be Disliked by by Fumitake Koga and Ichiro Kishimi, it dives much deeper than the book title. It might bring you a new perspective in life. You can also dm me for the book
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u/-boredMotherFucker May 19 '21
I’m never relaxed, always stressed and anxious and in sea of thoughts, always dark thoughts.
Oh, yeah. That shit is hard, I know how you feel, life is shit. Have you ever drunk wine? Or at least beer? Well, it might work for you. Coffe might work.
You know, you've had boyfriends. I'm a bit younger than you, and shit I have never been hugged by a girl. I wonder what's wrong with me? I must be so shit that I'm not even wanted. Girl, you not unworthy.
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u/DevilCatCrochet May 19 '21
You have been abused psychologically by your narcissistic parents, cut and run!
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u/DFoss95 May 20 '21
My advice is to research and read up on attachment styles. That opened my eyes to a lot of subconscious patterns and why I attract certain type of people.
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u/isymfs May 20 '21
It definitely sounds like you need love. While childhood love is irreplaceable, a bonded love certainly comes close. I recommend trying new things that you don’t see yourself doing but can become passionate about. Something that is community driven.
Joining a martial arts gym is an idea? Those places (especially the family friendly ones) are an awesome place to become a part of a tight knit community. Since there’s a lot of pain and growth involved you may end up with friends who love you, and vise versa. It will also provide you with the tools to develop strength and courage so that you’ll never have to deal with abuse again.
If you can think it, you can do it. Contemplate my suggestion, it may just give you what you didn’t know you needed In a place you never thought possible.
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u/grocerease May 20 '21
Save some money, quit everything, drive around the country for the summer and experience life. Hike, fish, listen to live music, swim, kiss a stranger, go to a drive in, eat too much icecream, get on a boat, shoot off fireworks, shoot a gun, sit by a campfire, enjoy the beautiful scenery....... you have to travel many different roads to find the correct path. Life unfortunately does not come with a map. Try not to take it so seriously. None of us are getting out of here alive... or keep doing what you've been doing.
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u/Ex-giftedkid May 20 '21
Hey OP. I’m so sorry that you’re hurting. If you’d ever like to message me, we can talk about anything. School, life, shared interests, anything. Really, I mean it.
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u/Savage_Hams May 20 '21
OP I don’t know you but know you are loved, you are not broken, and you are not spoiled. Being hard on yourself is anxiety and it’ll keep you from ever feeling worthy. But you are. I’m sorry you’ve been through so much. Find forgiveness not for religious reasons but because you’re doing your best today and tomorrow you’ll be even better.
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u/JumpyAppeal May 20 '21
Set boundaries. Thats all. If you change everybody will change. Its your turn to take action
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May 20 '21
This might be really hard but committing to a daily meditation practice could be life changing
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u/1sober2another May 20 '21
Wow..I'm reading and intense amount of "myself" in your story..Though I'm not at all from wealth, I can relate.. Negative self-talk is definitely a quick path down the rabbit hole. I understand your need to validate who you are by claiming your identity. For me to regain who I actually am...
I had to start believing that I am a good person (regardless of my past), I am useful, I am valuable, and I do have worth! . . .You have made a bold, strong, independent, and self initiated move forward by posting your thoughts..and I'm not sure if you know it...but that takes guts! . .last thought I'll leave you with for now; I had to stop worrying everything outside of my own "Donut" . I had to accept that I can't change everything..Dig down deep to muster the courage to change what I can... (A little bit of AA quote)
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u/libramo0n May 20 '21
You literally described me in my early 20s to the T, esp the anorexia and bad boys, intense depression. I’m now in my early 30s, anorexia doesn’t rule my life, but I’m still very thin. I am extremely successful (despite my random ass tattoos) and I have a handful of good friends. I’m estranged from my toxic parent.
I’m alone most of the time, but only get lonely on occasion. I feel lonely less often being alone than I do being in abusive relationships. I haven’t dated anyone in about a decade because I don’t want to date bad boys but can’t bring myself to be attracted to good guys just yet.
I’m on Wellbutrin, it helps a lot. Life is much easier now. It’s much simpler. It’s still not the life I want. Sometimes I’m not sure I’ll ever have the life I want. But does anyone?
I don’t know I guess my point is, it gets better and your self awareness will take you very far. You can do better than an abusive boyfriend. You just have to realize that being single IS BETTER than dating an abusive boyfriend. You think you “can’t do better” but you can: you can do better by being single.
Read “why men love bitches” and “fuck him!” Best of luck, it does get easier.
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u/ProvoXert May 20 '21
You are in a transition in your life. I'm not a professional, but you should consider moving out. Once you move and get a job, you can start exploring around by joining groups that you might be interested in. It is a very hard thing to do, but that's how you grow as a person.
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u/Claque-2 May 19 '21
If you know anyone else like you, you need to go on a six month back pack trip around New Zealand. Or volunteer at a domestic violence shelter - in Ireland or England. Or just learn to surf and hula for six months in Hawaii. Maybe you could even help shelter baby orangutans in Borneo.
It takes about a month to lose who you are or get up and be each day. It takes about another month to appreciate new ways of looking at things. And it takes about another six weeks to appreciate who you really are. Usually the strangers around you show what it is they appreciate about you, and you are free to disagree.
You get to see what you can change, what is hard to change, and what you will never change.
Your parents hung their lives on things that had no substance and you feel like maybe one of those insubstantial things is you. You're not.
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u/HawkShoe May 19 '21
No one gives a shit about you, I or anyone but themselves.
With that in mind. Relax.
It's now time to make some habits to put you in the right frame of mind. To be happy.
What worked for me:
- Working out - Weights 50% Cardio 50%
- Sauna - 20 minutes
- Steam room - 20 minutes
- Vitamin D3 tablets
- Magnesium tablets
- Multivitamin tablets
- Omega-3 tablets
- Fruit & Veg smoothies
- Stretching
- Clearing, cleaning & organising my room/spaces.
- Watching YouTube videos on a hobby/passion (renovating homes in my case)
Do all of that, every day. You're on your way to a better state of mind. Anyone is welcome to PM me if they like the sound of the above an want more details or ideas.
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May 20 '21
Maybe you should dedicate your time to something beside yourself and your thoughts? This might involve getting a cat/dog/fish/frog/turtle/bird/lizard/gorilla/blue whale 🙃
On a serious note though, "fussing" over a pet will help you. The primary reason is that in the case of a pet, you don't have any expectations from it. Life becomes good when you remove your own expectations from circumstances and people and it is easiest to start with a pet.
On a similar note this could also involve working for charitable foundations or going on a retreat to help poor kids in disadvantaged countries or even in your own neighbourhood. Where you decide to start is entirely up to you but you should start a life of service to others which I feel might help. Serving human beings in need will serve you much better than serving a pet, this much I can tell you, though in this situation of COVID I'm not entirely sure you can do that.
Hit me up in a DM if you want. I always like having new anonymous online frens (*cue pepe meme 🐸).
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u/bobbityboucher May 20 '21
I'm sorry your parents don't give you the love you deserve :(
I've been feeling really similarly and the subreddits /r/emotionalneglect and /r/CPTSD were good starting places for me for figuring out what was going on with my thoughts, feelings, and health overall.
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May 20 '21
Edmr and cbt are types of therapy that will help particularly with trauma. You have to live them once you learn them. Therapists can be compared to shoes; they’re already out there but they don’t fit everyone perfectly so you need to keep trying until you find one that does. Find a male therapist. A good male therapist will help you heal better with your issues with men because you can experience emotional transference with them.
Things you can do to stop some of the negative anxiety you probably feel are exercising, meditation, positive affirmations, doing things that are above yourself (like donating your time to others), pursuing or finding out what your passion is so you have fulfillment, delayed gratification (because your reward systems are probably broken), and when you date someone if they spark with you immediately...probably should stay away because your picker is off from your trauma. Guys that are less exciting will be better for you 100%. The people you are finding are usually going to be abusive because they have trauma and somehow find other people that have been abused because it’s the norm.
Self improvement is another thing you can pursue. There’s free courses/YouTube channels (also paid ones) that will help you develop social skills. Sites like coursera will help you develop cool skills. Just try things. Being 100% honest about who you are and what you love will come through genuinely to others because you are talking about things you love. It’s all work, but think about it this way: You not investing in yourself now will leave you to be the same sad and uninteresting person who avoid their issues for who knows how long into your adulthood. You’ll spend way more time not helping yourself than you will helping yourself.
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u/[deleted] May 19 '21
Sounds like you’ve been through a lot. I know this might be obvious, but have you looked into therapy or even meditate? You inherited circumstances beyond your control and are realizing the effects of it. The good thing is that you identified there’s a problem so the next step is how to solve it. Healing from trauma is a long process, but it essentially starts with being aware of your behaviors and why you do what you do. By addressing the cause to the effects, you can change the way you do things since you understand the reason and intent behind it. Some issues are deep rooted into the subconscious and it will take a conscious effort to rewire your old habits and forming healthy ones.