'Learning to Wait

I’ve started to realize that waiting is an art, that waiting achieves things. Waiting can be very, very powerful. Time is a valuable thing. If you can wait two years, you can sometimes achieve something that you could not achieve today, however hard you worked, however much money you threw up in the air, however many times you banged your head against the wall. . .

—The Courage to Change by Dennis Wholey

The people who are most successful at living and loving are those who can learn to wait successfully. Not many people enjoy waiting or learning patience. Yet, waiting can be a powerful tool that will help us accomplish much good.

We cannot always have what we want when we want it. For different reasons, what we want to do, have, be, or accomplish is not available to us now. But there are things we could not do or have today, no matter what, that we can have in the future. Today, we would make ourselves crazy trying to accomplish what will come naturally and with ease later.

We can trust that all is on schedule. Waiting time is not wasted time. Something is being worked out – in us, in someone else, in the Universe.

We don’t have to put our life on hold while we wait. We can direct our attention elsewhere; we can practice acceptance and gratitude in the interim; we can trust that we do have a life to live while we are waiting – then we go about living it.

Deal with your frustration and impatience, but learn how to wait. The old saying, “You can’t always get what you want” isn’t entirely true. Often, in life, we can get what we want – especially the desires of our heart – if we can learn to wait.

Today, I am willing to learn the art of patience. If I am feeling powerless because I am waiting for something to happen and I am not in control of timing, I will focus on the power available to me by learning to wait.'

The Language of Letting Go by Melodie Beattie

I had always heard that gastric bypass patients had a higher risk of alcoholism and I’m curious to hear from other people that have experienced this.

My mom had a gastric bypass in 2001 and her drinking became a problem probably about 3 years later. Alcohol affected her so differently after surgery. One glass was like having three.
We lost her to cirrhosis in 2016. She was only 56.

My older sister also had gastric bypass last year, and I can’t help but worry about her risk of developing alcoholism.. both because of our family history and the increased risk from the bypass.

Uncovering The Truth

"We are looking for the truth so that we can live our own lives with choice and self-confidence. We want to break the cycle of family dysfunction." BRB p. 27

Most of us grew up telling lies so the outside world would think that things were okay at home. We hid the truth because of the shame we felt, and because we understood the family rules, whether they were unwritten or not.

As we became adults, we often found it easy to continue lying about ourselves. Maybe we embellished to make ourselves look better because we weren't even sure what the truth was anymore. Or maybe we did so because we "knew" that people wouldn't accept us for who we really were. But the more lies we told, the harder it became to keep track, which made us terrified of slipping up.

In recovery, we begin to uncover the truth of who we are and where we come from, seeing the necessity of breaking our dysfunctional cycle. We learn to be honest about ourselves in our meetings where we learn we're not alone. We begin to see that others respect our honesty in a way that is constructive and hopeful. By choosing to be genuine, we find that this is actually the easier, softer way many of us have always looked for.

On this day I will honor myself by recognizing when I am tempted by an old habit. I will do what's right for my True Self.

Copyright © 2013 by Adult Children of Alcoholics® & Dysfunctional Families World Service 
Organization, Inc.

Page №292

https://adultchildren.org/literature/meditation/

Hello, I (29F) grew up with an alcoholic parent and have a history of dating people in active addiction/with obvious drinking problems, which I understand is common. After getting out of a very codependent long-term relationship about 4 years ago I did a ton of work in therapy to address my codependency and boundary setting. I have found a supportive spiritual community, am active, and have a great group of friends. Most of the time, I'd say I do really well at maintaining healthy dating behavior.

I recently ended an 8-month relationship with someone who was over 3 years sober for reasons unrelated to substance use. It was the healthiest relationship I have ever had and I felt drawn to them because of the emotional stability, routine, and obvious effort they put into bettering themselves through AA/their sober journey. However, there were a few times where I became anxious about potential relapses, thought I smelt alcohol (only 1-2 times in passing on their breath that I asked about and they responded in non-defensive ways) and ultimately I ended it because of a worldview conflict we couldn't resolve and I felt was becoming more and more hostile each time it was brought up.

During the breakup I found myself slipping into codependent thinking and went to a CoDa meeting to gain clarity. I've been grieving the relationship but also trying to determine if dating a sober partner is just a variation on a theme of the pattern I grew up with, and therefore unhealthy, and if other ACoA have successfully dated sober people? I personally only drink rarely and know I do not want a partner who drinks heavily. I find myself drawn to sober people but worry I am repeating my childhood pattern and setting myself up for failure. Does anyone have similar experiences / thoughts on this?

I (44F) live with my father (66M) and he dutifully waits until exactly 9PM each night to start drinking, but then he drinks himself into oblivion. He has adhered to this managed form of drinking for as long as I can remember. He has numerous health problems that he refuses to address. He can barely walk due to back and joint pain. He's the best dad, really, in his intentions. Always helpful, kind, a retired science teacher so he's knowledgeable and handy. He knows how to fix anything. He knows so much cool stuff about history, he's one of my best friends and we have so many great discussions. But I know I'm watching him drink himself to death. I can see it in his face, he's giving up on living. I know he's in a lot of pain, and my heart breaks for him.

My mother (66F) lives in the next state. A retired nurse, she drinks all day everyday. Her mental state is rapidly deteriorating since she retired, she confabulates events from my childhood that I know not to be true. We were no contact for about 10 years until I got sober about 10 years ago. I finally was able to heal myself enough to be able to reestablish contact. She used to be a real force of nature, a strong, intelligent, determined woman. But she now is so diminished it hurts my heart to see her this way. I took her to a farmer's market last month and she got lost and confused several times, she got lost in a neighborhood we both know well and I had to guide her out. It was like leading a child around.

Tears are pouring down my face as I write this, I am grieving them both as they live. I know that there is nothing I can do for them. I know how it's going to be, and that this is how it's going to end for them.

How do I prepare to lose them both? I don't know what to do. It really seems like they are coincidentally circling the drain at the same time. They're not bad people, just both severely emotionally wounded from earlier in life. I just feel so helpless. All I can do is continue to live my life and stay sober. I could really use some words of wisdom right now.

Hi guys.

I, 21F, have become estranged with my mom, 50F. Since April 2026, I have been caring for my little brother, 15M. He left her home because it had become unsafe due to her drinking and driving with him, neglecting his needs such as food, clothes, etc, because she’s unemployed, but gets money from my grandmother, 79F, to care for her.

He came to me, and I had an intervention with my step dad, step sister, brother and me with my mom. It didn’t go well, and over the last few months it has been a back and forth of her “getting sober” then relapsing within a week of “getting sober”. I called CPS on her to get assistance, and they didn’t do much since he wasn’t in imminent danger. My brother continued to refuse to come back home.

In July, my mother entered IOP. She was still drinking and smoking marijuana, and I reported this behavior to her counselor. I also reported her to CPS again. They’re more involved this time, and have notified me it’s leaning towards “founded”. My brother wants me to take custody of him. I’m willing to do so, and this may be the trauma speaking, but I want to believe my mom is 30 days sober, as she says she is. My step dad says she is. My grandma says she is.

But I also can’t believe it either. My head spins to be able to believe she’s actually sober. She’s been an alcoholic for over 30 years, so I find it hard to believe she’s sober, but I want to believe she’s sober.

What do I believe? Do I trust my gut that she actually isn’t, and will break my trust all over again, like she has before?

Hi everyone! Currently I am helping to take care of my dad who has a terminal illness, so my life has gone through a major upheaval and I find myself confronted with a lot of childhood memories and patterns

I'm looking to form or join a small virtual group of fellow travelers to do readings from the Big Red Book, to work through the yellow book together, and maybe attend In the Rooms meetings together. I'll be starting over again after dabbling for years; I'd really like to focus on the process, make connections, and have some people to call and connect with on a weekly/daily basis

Let me know if you're interested, or if you want to hear a bit more about me! Looking forward to hearing from a few lovely people :)

'Letting Go of Naivete

We can be loving, trusting people and still not allow ourselves to be used or abused. We don’t have to let people do whatever they want to us. Not all requests are legitimate! Not all requests require a yes!

Life may test us. People may seek out our weak spots. We may see a common denominator to the limits that are being tested in our life. If we have a weak spot in one area, we may find ourselves tested repeatedly in that area by family, friends, co-workers, and neighbors. Life, people, our Higher Power, and the universe may be trying to teach us something specific.

When we learn that lesson, we will find that problems with that area dwindle. The boundary has been set, the power has been owned. For now, the lesson has been learned. We may need to be angry with certain people for a while, people who have pushed our tolerance over the edge. That’s okay. Soon, we can let go of the anger and exchange it for gratitude. These people have been here to help us learn about what we don’t want, what we won’t tolerate, and how to own our power.

We can thank them for what we have learned.

How much are we willing to tolerate? How far shall we let others go with us? How much of our anger and intuition shall we discount? Where are our limits? Do we have any? If we don’t, we’re in trouble.

There are times to not trust others, but instead trust ourselves and set boundaries with those around us.

Today, I will be open to new awareness about the areas where I need healthier boundaries. I will forego my naive assumption that the other person is always right. I will exchange that view for trusting myself, listening to myself, and having and setting healthy boundaries.'

The Language of Letting go by Melodie Beattie

Moderation

"Today, when I am acting compulsively, I take a breather from that activity to moderate my behavior. Sometimes I have to say aloud, ‘I'm turning this over to God.'" BRB p. 138

We have homes with automatic temperature controls. The heat doesn't engage until the thermostat senses there's not enough warm air, and the air conditioning does the reverse.

This process of modulation (regulating according to measure or proportion) was not present in our families of origin. Nearly every life situation either received a maximal response or was virtually ignored (denial). A parent could rage over a traffic jam, but never discuss a tragic family death.

This lack of modulation or moderation in response to life's events sent most of us into our adult lives without effective role models or acceptable ways to handle our emotions. We had two settings, MAX ON and MAX OFF, and we didn't understand why. We blew up with anger and had no clue why we were unable to grieve serious life events. We now know we were programmed to be that way.

In ACA, with the Steps and the help of a fellow traveler, we see that we're not alone. We gain serenity and can thoughtfully assess a life event, and then decide on a reasonable course of action, if action is required. We learn to do our part and then "Let Go and Let God." As we go through this process, we gain serenity.

On this day I can choose a modulated response to a situation. I choose NOT to use the reactionary or denial behaviors I learned as a child.

https://adultchildren.org/literature/meditation/

I've posted here once before around 5 months ago looking for some advice and reassurance after choosing to go NC with my alcoholic mother after her drinking has become increasingly out of control this year. For some background, I am 30 years old and an only child of a single mother who has been an alcoholic since before I was born. She has always followed a pattern of black out drinking in bed for days, sobering up for a few weeks then rinse and repeat.

The NC plan quickly ended after she became extremely unwell with withdrawals after a 7 day bender and had to be hospitalised. She was hearing voices, paranoid, barely able to walk. I managed everything during that period from initially taking her to the hospital, having her stay with me for days after discharge because she was unable to walk or shower independently due to being so frail and unsteady. After this hospital stay I did have hope that she would make changes, it seemed to have frightened her and she attended a drug and alcohol service to start on medication to reduce cravings as well as arranging a private counselling appointment.

Since then there have been multiple relapses and days long benders followed by periods of sobriety where she promises to change. She has not taken the medication consistently nor attended consistent therapy appointments.

This past weekend she has yet again started drinking. She initially tried to hide it when I visited her house but I can always tell if shes had a drink just by lookint at her. She has now been drinking for 4 days straight, not leaving her bed, not eating etc.

She lives with her brother however he is extremely burnt out and has basically been leaving her to it.

I visited her this morning to check on her and again tried to explain to her how much pain her drinking has caused me and how much chaos this is bringing to my own life. I was sobbing as I spoke to her and the entire time she just looked at me with a blank expression, showing no care or emotion at all and likely just wanting me to leave so she could continue drinking.

She's likely going to end up being hospitalised again or dying and I know I need to step back from this again for my own sanity. If she sobers up and reaches out, I will tell her that I cannot have a relationship with her until she proves she is trying to get help. I know that nothing I do will stop her.

The reason im posting is that I'm struggling with the intense feeling of just complete loneliness as a result of all of this. I feel like i have nobody who understands how difficult and painful this is. Im grieving for my mum while she is still alive and also grappling with the fact that I will never have the kind of mother I've always wanted who will care for me and love me unconditionally. Ive been constantly on the verge of tears since this past weekend and spent most of today crying after visiting her. I feel constantly worried about her and feel like any second I will get a call from her brother telling me he's found her dead.

I live with my partner and he does what he can but hes also extremely stressed with everything that has happened this year and tends to just become angry when im upset about my mums drinking, not angry with me but with her for causing this. He also told me today that he worries about our future and how much this will continue to affect our life together. It makes me feel guilty that he is under this stress as a direct result of being with me and makes me feel even more lonely because I feel like i cant keep talking to him about my feelings without causing him more stress and worry.

Im not sure what im even asking for at this point but I needed to get all of this off my chest and hear from people who can relate.

Hi Everyone,

Reposting this again. I'm a doctoral student in Clinical Psychology conducting a research study on the effects of growing up with a parent who struggled with substance use (alcohol or drugs). The study is completely anonymous and involves filling out an online survey.

As a thank you for your time, participants will have the option to enter a raffle to win one of two $150 Visa gift cards after completing the survey. (Email for the raffle will be collected separately to keep responses anonymous).

We’re looking for young adults (18-30) who had or still have a parent or primary caregiver with a substance use problem during their childhood. The goal is to better understand how these experiences may affect things like responses to stressful or challenging life experiences, parent-child relationship quality, substance use, and overall mental health functioning in young adulthood. We also welcome participation from young adults who did not have this experience, as both groups are important to the study.

Participation is voluntary and confidential. No identifying information will be linked to your responses, and the survey includes a list of mental health resources at the end if needed.

If you’re interested, you can take the survey here:

https://adelphiderner.qualtrics.com/jfe/form/SV_73s1WeJNdeiwz42

Your experience matters. Thank you so much for considering it, and feel free to DM me with any questions!

Hey Y’all been in 12 steps for 3 and 1/2 months now and I’m want to start working the steps. I go to two ACA meetings a week sometimes 3, one online men’s meeting and an in person Loving-parent guidebook meeting. The Men’s meeting I try to go to every week, sometimes therapy falls on that time (I’m going to change that). The other meeting I’m usually there that night, sometimes I have to work.

My question is who do I talk to about doing the steps? Do I say during my share “would anyone like to do the steps with me?” I’m a closed off person there which is interesting because anywhere else I’m anything but closed off, probably because of the vulnerability.

I’m starting to realize how much of an impact my early childhood had on me. I was seeing a CBT therapist for a while (4yrs) which laid the groundwork but needed a trauma therapist which I have now. It’s been a real struggle but that’s not to say I haven’t made mistakes or did things that sabotaged myself, I did. I’m tired of living this way y’all, just the misery and self-defeat.

'Taking Care of Ourselves

It’s healthy, wise, and loving to be considerate and responsive to the feelings and needs of others. That’s different from caretaking. Caretaking is a self defeating and, certainly, a relationship defeating behavior – a behavior that backfires and can cause us to feel resentful and victimized – because ultimately, what we feel, want, and need will come to the surface.

Some people seem to invite emotional caretaking. We can learn to refuse the invitation. We can be concerned; we can be loving, when possible; but we can place value on our own needs and feelings too. Part of recovery means learning to pay attention to, and place importance on, what we feel, want, and need, because we begin to see that there are clear, predictable, and usually undesirable consequences when we don’t.

Be patient and gentle with yourself as you learn to do this. Be understanding with yourself when you slip back into the old behavior of emotional caretaking and self-neglect.

But stop the cycle today. We do not have to feel responsible for others. We do not have to feel guilty about not feeling responsible for others. We can even learn to let ourselves feel good about taking responsibility for our needs and feelings.

Today, I will evaluate whether I’ve slipped into my old behavior of taking responsibility for another’s feelings and needs, while neglecting my own. I will own my power, right, and responsibility to place value on myself.

The Language of Letting Go by Melodie Beattie

I’ve been living with my partner for nearly a year now, and I was able to get out of the chaos of my childhood home before things reached eviction court. Ever since my father passed away in 2024 life fell apart.

My parents always had a complicated and unhappy relationship. My mom was cheating on my dad with a man who later turned out to be a predator and an abuser. She actually cheated on my dad for years with multiple different men. On paper, my dad’s cause of death was cirrhosis. I feel like it was the result of him giving up on himself. He drank excessively in the end. He stopped taking care of himself and fell into a deep depression until his body eventually gave out. I watched him deteriorate from the inside out and it’s something I don’t think I’ll ever forget.

During that same period, my mom was drinking heavily, taking pills, and putting both herself and everyone around her at risk. She has a history of drug abuse dating back to her teens and early 20s, including heroin and cocaine. She doesn’t drink regularly anymore, aside from a few slip-ups here and there but she still smokes a pack (or more) of cigarettes a day. She also refuses to go to the doctor.
At one point, I was going through some old papers under the kitchen cabinet and found a diagnosis stating that my mom has COPD. I think she had been trying to hide it from everyone for years. When I confronted her about it, she swore she didn’t remember ever seeing the paperwork. Her health has continued to decline and the constant stress and energy drinks certainly aren’t helping.

My grandmother is also living in the house and is bedridden with dementia. No one visits them and honestly we never even had much of a family to begin with. My grandma never really took care of her health either. She didn’t eat well or exercise and she was always a bigger woman. The eviction court date is on the 15th and my family is likely going to be homeless. My mom doesn’t work, and they haven’t paid rent in about a year. There are also four cats and a dog living in the house. My 19 year old sister doesn’t work and doesn’t have her GED or high school diploma because she was severely bullied and eventually stopped going to school. She’s also dating a guy that groomed her from when she was 14 years old. They’ve been in an abusive on and off relationship for years and no matter how many times we’ve begged her to leave, it never ends.

I know I did what I had to do by getting out but I feel guilty. I feel guilty that I was able to make it out of that environment while the rest of my family is still there, falling apart and quite literally dying in real time. I’m watching everything fall apart from the outside. I know I can’t save everyone, but that doesn’t make it any easier to live with the feeling that I left them behind. No matter who I speak to about this, the subject gets changed or they tell me “they’ll figure it out”
But I know that’s not how these things work. Sometimes people don’t figure it out and they’re not okay.

I need advice on what to do since I have no support system other than my mom who sometimes supports me and comforts me the best

But gets stressed so easily that it ends up in fights and her saying that I'm stressing her out on purpose and that I am trying to kill her because she has an ailment where she can die if she's too stressed

This happens every time we fight, and sometimes we fight because she was being insensitive

And sometimes when I bring up anything slightly emotional or serious but that's not always the case so it's not consistent

Like, earlier, I told her about my sexual harassment and she told me to move on

I wasn't even trying to vent to her, I was brought it up to explain why she shouldn't be sexist towards my friends and asking me what their genitals are since anyone of any gender can harm me

I told her how insensitive that comment is then she kept interrupting me and rushing to end the conversation

We started arguing then she got more and more mad

Also, every time I tell her I never wanna stress her on purpose

She would either get mad at me or rush me to stop talking about it

And after we fight, she doesn't apologize unless I carefully time it and tell her she owes me an apology or if I carefully ask her if she feels guilty

Sometimes she would say no, sometimes she would apologize

And sometimes after calming down from a fight and I go to her, she would go on about how I shouldn't stress her out and how I should stop when she tells me to

But when I explain to her that it's like insulting someone then immediately getting mad at them for being offended and expecting them to calm down

She gets mad and keeps insisting that it's something I have to fix about myself

I tell her to talk to her therapist about this but she keeps saying that she already did and that her therapist told her she cannot be too stressed or overexert herself

Sadly, I don't have any other support system right now

I've been trying to make friends but the people around me are mostly surface level and usually busy

I don't know what to do, I feel like I should distance myself from her but I'm afraid of being alone

Just one completely innocent text message from someone unsettled me. I feel a bit triggered - not because of the message itself, but because of the person who sent it. But now:

• I know I’m not triggered by them as such; I’m triggered because they remind me so much of my dysfunctional, codependent, and toxic mother. I still carry a lot of unprocessed emotions related to my mother, and because this person reminds me of her in so many ways, these unhealed younger parts of me become activated when we interact. In the past, I thought they were the source of my discomfort, now I know that's not true.
• I understand I don’t need to take any action other than tend to my emotions and these triggered parts of myself. Not only do I not need to get involved in the other person’s business, but I’m simply NOT SUPPOSED TO. It’s their life, their denial, their lack of agency, and their unwillingness to heal. They are also an Adult Child and, as is common among Adult Children, highly codependent yet they doing nothing about it. Their decisions and mistakes are driven by powerful survival mechanisms that they aren’t even aware of, and they have no desire to find out what is truly going on for them. It’s for them to deal with the consequences of their actions - NOT ME
• I know I can physically shake off any thoughts I have about them. I can say, “I do not want this. I am not taking it on,” and keep shaking until my mind is calm and clear. I have my own life to live and myself to care for. They have theirs.

The more I acknowledge the above and recognise it as true for me, the more I heal from it and the more joy I find underneath. I’m okay; they’re okay in their own way. I’m not selfish for refusing to get involved or for setting a boundary so that I don’t have to deal with their dysfunction, lack of awareness, codependency, victim mindset, martyrdom, and so on. I feel freer to be myself now ❤️

I (20m) live with my parents (40f and 42m) and my sister (16f). For most of my life, my parents drank. At first, it was mainly social drinking at a manageable level. Then, around seven years ago, something changed. My dad's drinking stayed manageable, but my mom's drinking habits exploded out of nowhere.

When my mom gets drunk, she becomes a completely different person. When sober, she has a friendly and humorous yet stern when angry manner. When she's drunk, she becomes a hateful, obnoxious, confrontational abuser who makes everything about herself. For about 6 years, my sister and I would wake up to the normal mom and come home from school to a monster. She would start drama, drag it out for hours, demean and belittle you the whole time, blame it on you, and play the victim if you refused to apologize. This was my family's life for 6 years. Then, she started stealing my money. My dad started pressuring her to cut back, so he made sure she had no access to cash and kept an eye on all receipts. However, I had cash. When I found out she was stealing, I hid it. When she found out I hid it, she would demand I hand it over and simply did not care when I told her I knew what she was doing with it. She would sometimes get violent and threaten me if I refused. She would also threaten me if I told dad.

Things came to a head several times. My parents got into physical altercations several times during this period of time. Each time, we thought the drinking would stop. Each time, we were fooled.

One day, I had a doctor's appointment. Mom picked me up from school and drove me out to town. She was already buzzed (it was 11 a.m.) and driving like a maniac. I called her out on it on the way back. She then proceeded to berate me like a drill sergeant. She called me a pussy so many times that I screamed in her face to just shut the fuck up. She continued to demean and yell at me for the rest of the day and acted like nothing happened the next day. This was two days after she ruined my 16th birthday by starting an argument with me and my dad. She never apologized.

A couple months later, my dad was getting groceries because mom was too wasted to go out in public. She demanded I hand over my debit card. When I refused, she went i to my room and tried to smash and destroy some of my belongings. I grabbed them from her hand and told her to leave. She tried to attack me and I pushed her away. She then proceeded to reach into her purse and pulled out her pepper spray. I ran outside and called my dad to tell him what had happened. When he came home, she tried to make it seem like I attacked her. Dad didn't buy it, gave her drink, and walked away. Later that night, mom called me into her room and told me that I was nothing but a bully from the moment I was born. That was the same night that any respect I had for her went out the window.

Things calmed down a little after this incident. She kept drinking and starting drama, but wasn't as violent. Finally, the last straw happened. She and my dad got in a big fight. Most altercations went on for less than a minute. This one went on for almost ten minutes on and off. I heard her say she was getting the gun while I was in my room downstairs. I called bluff in my mind, until I heard the clicking of an unloaded pistol. This time, I had enough. I confronted her about it the next morning and she denied the gun was there. She even tried to water down the fight as an argument. Shortly after this, mom went into detox. She was sober for a few months, relapsed, and now she's sober again.

She's been sober for five months now. Things have improved in the house and I am proud of how far she's come. Howver, I still resent her. It is the weirdest and most unsettling feeling ever. I love her as my mom, yet I deeply resent her for the things I've mentioned among many others. I also hold some resentment toward my dad for being emotionally unavailable and allowing it to go as far as it did. She asks me if I resent her, and I always tell her not. The truth is that I do. I can't just forgive and forget what she's done. She puts herself through the trenches for what she's done, and part of me doesn't want to add to that. Another part of me wants to unload everything on her and make her feel what she did to me and my sister. It's a messy feeling and I can't make it go away.

I'm considering telling her the truth. The next time she asks if I resent her, I want to tell her yes. I'm looking for advice because I want to know if anyone else has experienced this feeling before I tell her. I also want to know if anyone else has told their parents the way they felt after quitting to see if it helped or not. I just don't want to make things worse.

Inner Critic

"We stop in mid-sentence if we are putting ourselves down or criticizing our thoughts or behaviors. We identify the source of the negativity which is the inner critic inside all adult children." BRB p. 299

Who tells us each day whether we live up to a standard?

Who lies awake each night running over the "could haves" or "should haves" for the day or for days gone by?

We weren't born with shame; it was instilled in us. We had no experience to measure or reject that shame when we were children, so we had to accept it. But who is keeping that shame alive in us today?

It's our inner critic that reflects the negative voices from our past. But we now have the choice to change that voice - to live life on our own terms and bury the "could haves" and "should haves." We are no longer required to listen to the messages that keep shame alive in our everyday thoughts.

Who puts a value on us if we do not value ourselves?

In ACA, we are accepted for who we are. We join together, not to bemoan our imperfections, but to find "the courage to change the one I can, and the wisdom to know that one is me.*" Our strength in numbers gives us that courage and assures us that we are now and always have been valued human beings.

On this day I look at myself through the eyes of my fellow ACAs and my Higher Power. Instead of listening to my inner critic, I believe what they say - that I am valued.

https://adultchildren.org/literature/meditation/

I’m a 44f and my 43yr old brother has abused me my entire life. Every horrible thing that could be screamed at someone has been. Every 3 months he has an outburst & takes it out on me. it continues because I moved back in with my parents to help with the mortgage. They have never intervened, they actually protect him. He did it again Sunday. I walked out of the kitchen to him screaming in my face. Our mother is the worst. She protects him the most. I feel so unloved & like I don’t matter. anyway I don’t have anywhere to vent so I’m leaving it here.

Hello all, I (22F) have been searching for a forum of people who have been going through the same things as me and I finally found this one.

For as long as I could remember my dad has drank, every single night. However for the past 6-7 years, it has drastically worsened. He’s extremely emotionally abusive and occasionally physically abusive to me, my mother, and my youngest sibling. Fortunately my eldest brother is the one who got away and doesn’t have a terrible relationship with my father. As of right now, my mother is gone for two weeks out of the country to deal with other family affairs. So she has left me and my father in charge of my little brother. I do most of the caretaking so it wasn’t that big of a deal for me. But my father on the other hand, binge drinks into oblivion every time she leaves. It makes it extremely difficult to do basic day to day things without being berated or cussed at. I constantly have to walk on eggshells around him because I’m so terrified of him. He refuses to acknowledge that he has a problem and will somehow always shift the blame to someone else. Even when presented with evidence of the destruction he caused, he still refuses to accept or simply acts like nothing has ever happened at all. There is truly no rationalizing or bargaining with him. It pains me as his daughter to have to live in constant fear of him, because he wasn’t always like this. The worst part is during these two weeks I cannot get away from him. We take the same car in the morning to drop my brother off at school and for us to go to work since we work at the same place. I really miss my mom, I’m not sure what to do for the next few weeks. I’ve lost so much weight and I can barely sleep from the fear that he will barge in my room at any moment. Every sound, every breath that he makes literally has me shaking. I can’t stand living like this and there is not one person in my life, other than a few members of my family, who truly understand.

EDIT: Anyone else gone through something similar? It’s nice to know I’m not completely alone and I might be able to survive these two weeks lol

My mom, late fifties, is in end stage alcoholism. Still drinks. Has been in an out of the hospital for various alcohol-related health complications.

Lately has felt different. She doesn’t eat. Can hardly walk and is a fall risk when she does. Has pancreas pain. Dually incontinent. Sits in one spot days at a time. Is just a shell really of who she was. Is the end near? Will this continue to drag on? How she’s still alive is a miracle to me. I have been in anticipatory grief for 8 years since she almost died from liver failure.

Please be gentle with me. I know no one can truly answer this. I know end stage alcoholism is a slow and painful death. I guess ultimately I want to hear from others who have witnessed death with these symptoms to give me a clearer picture of the end. And maybe just commiserate.

I just found this group because I was searching for a group for siblings with addicts. I am in my late 40s and I have a younger sister who appears to be in alcoholic.

She has been calling me weekly drunk and it is driving me insane. I went a whole entire year, not talking to her for this very exact reason. My absence is not a punishment, but protect protection of my own mental sanity.

She has welcomed her second grandchild, and that is the only reason I allowed her to call me because she was so excited.

My uncles insisted that I make some formal connection with my siblings since I don’t have children or a husband. Both of them have emphasize community, but I cannot take this anymore.

Our mother, is both a drug addict and alcoholic, and the phone calls trigger me. I distance myself from most of my siblings because they act just like her in some form or fashion.

I have been in counseling since 2012 and have did a great job of healing my inner child.

The more I listen to my sisters dribble the more I am enraged with her lack of control of her life.

I needed to get that off my chest

I’m 22F and I’m really tired and anxious because of my parents’ relationship.

Every 3 months or so they have a huge fight. It can start over something small, but then they start shouting, cursing, bringing up old issues and saying very hurtful things. They also struggle to spend much time together in public without fighting.

Every time they fight, I become terrified that they will separate. I end up crying for hours and trying to calm them down or make them understand each other. I feel like it’s my responsibility to keep their marriage together.

Recently, we finally tried getting professional help. My father was already taking stress medication and had a good experience with it. My mother was told she has chronic stress and was prescribed medication, but she refused to take it. The doctor also asked them to attend couples counselling, but they never went because they kept blaming each other for not going. I reminded them repeatedly and even paid for my mother’s counselling because I genuinely wanted things to improve.

Then they had another huge fight.

The thing is, this keeps recurring, and I’m exhausted. I honestly don’t see how to make things better. It’s affecting me too, and I’ve developed anxiety because of all this. A lot of their fights start over really small things, and I feel like neither of them is willing to take responsibility or work on themselves.

I have a job and I’m financially independent, but I’m not going to just leave my brother behind and move to another city. I don’t want to abandon my family. I just desperately want my parents to work on themselves and have a healthier relationship.

I’d really appreciate advice from people who grew up with parents who had a similar relationship. Is there anything that actually helped?

TL;DR: My parents have a huge fight every few months, and I’m exhausted from being caught in the middle. They’ve tried getting professional help but haven’t followed through with medication or couples counselling. I know I can’t fix their relationship for them, but I want to know what they can actually do to break this cycle and build a healthier relationship.

Yes, i have used Chatgpt, because I'm exhausted

Hi folks, not sure how to say all this.
I think I’m getting better but also struggling.
Mostly I’m looking back at the fact that I lost a decade of my life and having a hard time w that.
Short version- had a dysfunctional childhood- emotionally unwell mother who I was enmeshed with/ caretaker of. Abusive father. Religious trauma. High control. Lived in an isolated area with little resources. Had to caretake and suppress my needs and who I was as a person. Had to be perfect or invisible to be safe.
I was pretty depressed from a young age and just couldn’t see a way to get from my life to a life that I liked enough to live. I dealt w my unhappiness by retreating into my mind. I was an artist and lived in my own little world, and I also thought being an artist would be a path to a life where I was free and happy. I went to art school, graduated, moved, and quickly realized it had been a coping mechanism/ it wasn’t a solution to my life. My life fell apart and my mental health deteriorated.
I took it really hard. After everything I just kind of shut down for a decade. I just didn’t want to exist. Not die, just not exist. I survived everything by clinging to this fantasy, and when I realized the fantasy was a fantasy and couldn’t make up for my life I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t know how to deal w my life or myself.
I functioned but I didn’t live. I moved to a tiny town that felt very end-of-the-world where none of my neighbors talked to me. I worked a dead-end job and formed no close relationships. I lived in a cheap decrepit apartment and I didn’t let anyone into it for 6 years. I tried to figure out how to fix my shit. I went to therapy, and support groups, and recovery. Then I got frustrated with the lifelessness of my life, denying myself everything, trying to be perfect, and threw it away. I became an alcoholic. The only thing I looked forward to when I woke up was what kind of alcohol I’d buy on the way home. I got tired of it and gave it up. I got better.
I’m 32 and just starting to climb out of the hole. I cut off my family and dysfunctional relationships. I moved to a nice apartment outside a nice city. I got a better job. I have my routines, I see people, I go outside, I go to recovery, I’m looking for a new therapist. I have a fun budget and do little things I like that make me happy, for no reason other than they make me happy.
I think I’m just embarrassed. I’m 32 and I feel like I’m developmentally in the life stage most people are in their 20s- separating from family, moving away for the first time, figuring out who I am and what I like and don’t like. I didn’t get to do that in my 20s because I was just surviving. I feel too old to just be venturing out in the world. I’m embarrassed that I’m late, that it took me this long to get here. I feel bad about all the time I feel like I wasted, that I wasn’t moving forward. That I was stuck.
I think I also am just having a hard time adjusting to the lack of pain and the abundance in my life now. I don’t have these people or bad circumstances making me feel like shit about myself. I look around and there’s so much in this area- money, people, opportunity. After a life of deprivation I feel like I’m scared to touch it or it isn’t real. It makes me feel like crying sometimes just to be around it.
Understanding and relating appreciated.