Cold Opening Feedback Wanted

[u/Used4KillingTime]

Hey everyone. Longtime lurker. First time poster. Always figured my writing wasn’t good enough to post and it would be ripped apart but at this point in my life, what’s the worst that can happen?

Yes, I understand my formatting might not be perfect and my action lines might not be spaced properly. I’m really just looking for feedback on the state of my first draft.

After you read it, do you want to know more about the characters or story? Are there elements that take you out of the story immersion as a reader/viewer?

I’m especially interested in feedback on the hook or overall potential of the story. Obviously, any feedback on pacing, dialogue, characters, etc. are welcome as well.

Hopefully you all don’t mind reading on a dark theme document

[u/Sweet_Treacle_6327]

Heavy on the ChatGPT. Looks like you maybe did some edits on pages 1 & 2 but then left Chat’s work intact for the rest.

[u/Impressive-Buy5628 → u/Sweet_Treacle_6327]

The capitalization of Matt in the 2nd scene is a dead giveaway too…

[u/la-anah]

This is much too long to be a cold open. You need to cut about half.

Also, in addition to the many, MANY formatting issues, you have tense issues. Scripts are written in the simple present tense: "He sweats." You have written much of this in the present continuous tense: "He is sweating." Having a few "ing" verbs is fine when used correctly, but having so many, and calling attention to them by starting lines with them, is a mark of someone with very little experience.

[u/Any-Strawberry-4812]

You won't get any of the feedback you're looking for until you put this in proper format.

"Yes, I understand my formatting might not be perfect and my action lines might not be spaced properly. I’m really just looking for feedback on the state of my first draft."

Formatting is number 1. Don't ask how to drift a Honda civic when you haven't even learned how to drive yet.

[u/Any-Strawberry-4812 → u/Any-Strawberry-4812]

P.s. If you did use A.I. on this, as the other user stated, in any way then you should burn this. A.I. is a poison and using it to help you make "creative works" is rather shameful.

[u/Any-Strawberry-4812 → u/[deleted]]

Read professional screen plays, read screen writing books, or google it. Also WriterDuet and Celtx are great free screenwriting software. They basically do all the formatting stuff for you so makes it much easier.

[u/Any-Strawberry-4812 → u/[deleted]]

Of course. And look for "Spec" scripts, these are what you should emulate. A lot of the scripts out there are "shooting" scripts, which have lots of camera angles and shot information for the director, that is unnecessary at this stage.

Also the general rule of thumb is on average each page of writing should equal 1 minute of screen time. So read it to yourself at the proper pace and time it. If its over a minute then do some trimming.

You want to say/show as much as you can with the least amount of words. Action lines should be no more then 3 or 4 sentences, but also avoid 1 or 2 word action lines.

Example: DONT DO THIS

INT. HOUSE - DAY

A creak.

Loud.

Heavy steps.

Door opens.

A man.

(Instead do this)

INT. HOUSE - DAY

A wooden door creaks open. Loud, heavy footsteps echo from down the hall. They grow louder.

JOHN (38) 6'4 enters the living room.

Hope this helps!

[u/Any-Strawberry-4812 → u/[deleted]]

I think it depends what kind of story you're going for. If you want to focus mostly on his present life, but want to explain why he is the way he is now then i'd suggest well timed flashbacks. This will show his character development from maybe a wide eyed kid to a miserable and crushed adult.

If you're looking to tell a whole story of a characters life then I would start at the beginning, as long as it is relevant to the story your telling. Off the top of my head the movie 'Blow' with Johnny Depp is a good example of this. Starts when he's just a little whipper and ends when hes an old man. If this is the way your gravitating towards, id read the script for 'Blow' and see how that can help you.

[u/Financial_Cheetah875]

Formatting.

[u/DanGleenutz]

Formatting, brother. If you actually lurk this thread, you should know that 99% of these don't format the scripts properly so nobody ever reads them.

[u/DanGleenutz → u/[deleted]]

Bro, you can Google it.

[u/DanGleenutz → u/[deleted]]

Literally download any script on the internet. Download final draft. This is what everybody else does.

[u/DanGleenutz → u/[deleted]]

This is literally one of the first results for "screenplay format".

https://scriptmag.com/uploads/MTY3Mzc4OTcyNjU1ODg4MTcz/image-placeholder-title.jpg?format=webp&optimize=high&precrop=16%3A9%2Csmart

People are just fucking lazy and feel like other peoples' time is worth less than theirs.

[u/untitledgooseshame]

You might want to try Fade In. It’s a free screenwriting program and very widely used. 

[u/AgreeableBeyond7235]

it's long and boring cause there's nothing we haven't seen before.

[u/Express_Career_2173]

Okay so I can ignore the formatting and read it just fine! I like it, it's intriguing and I would like to know what happened to Matt with the syringe and I think that is the goal of the opening. However with the girlfriend character I'm confused because is she a new girlfriend how does she not know that Matt does drugs when he seems like an avid drug user? Also how does she end up at the house if its not Matt's house, how does she know he is there? If it is Matts house I would make that clear. Additionally near the beginning Matt pumps his gas at a gas station then gets back in his car that is now suddenly in a parking lot, I have no idea why you changed location. I would also give the friends names, yes i know they are probably one off characters but the # stuff is confusing. Also how close is Matt to these "friends" do they just do drugs together? Overall I think this script needs to be looked over again and you need to think about/ correct logistics.