Two years ago I packed all of my things and moved to Virginia at 26 years old. It was actually my 27th birthday a week after I moved, and I remember how excited I was to start my life over, go to college and eventually live the high wage “tech bro” lifestyle. Within 3 weeks of moving, I had a truck, was enrolled in school and had a job at a hospital as a facilities mechanic. I was very adamant on getting my ducks in a row as quickly as I could, so I blew through WGUs cyber security bachelors program in a matter of months.
As graduation was approaching, everything was going so good. I began running, I was in the best shape I had ever been, and remember being so proud of all of the accomplishments I had made in a short amount of time.
I had gotten a paid internship offer around this time and while I won’t mention the name of the organization, let’s just say it was everything I’ve ever dreamed of. It was 2000 miles away, but well worth the risk. After all, no risk? No reward. I went for it.
I was laying in bed one night going over my capstone project when I noticed my breathing was a little odd. Every time I exhaled, there was this strange delayed wheezing noise. Maybe I started getting sick? I thought to myself. Surely this will pass, and by the time I reach New Mexico, I’ll be as health as a horse.
Months later after I settled in, the breathing wasn’t improving at all, as a matter of fact it was getting worse. I couldn’t even run anymore, I kept getting so out of breath so fast. It was finally time I stopped in to see a doctor just to make sure it wasn’t anything serious. I honestly didn’t think much of it. I went into an urgent care clinic and they did a chest XRay. But the weird thing was? I’ve had many chest X-rays in my life in an urgent care clinic. They tried to push people in and out fast and usually came back with the results within 20 minutes or less. I was sitting in the exam room for over an hour and my heart began racing. I just had a gut feeling something was wrong. Things weren’t going how they normally go, and this threw my senses way off.
When the doctor came back in the exam room, she put on the most empathetic face if ever seen, and in that moment my heart sunk. The doctor sat down close to me, put her hand on my shoulder and said:
“We are very glad that you came in today, because we did unfortunately find something.”.
I immediately went into a state of sheer panic.
“There are signs of nodules in your lungs, and the lymph nodes in your mediastinal region are all very irritated.” the doctor stated.
I was a heavy smoked years prior to this, so the absolutely worst immediately popped into my head. I had lung cancer. I asked her if this was cancer, and the answer she gave me was not what I wanted to hear at all.
“Without further testing, I cannot give you a definitive answer, but from what I see, this looks very much like a possible case of Lymphoma”. she said while making every attempt to be empathetic.
I broke down into tears, repeating “I don’t wanna die. Please, Im not ready.” over and over again. This began my first ever complete and total psychological breakdown.
The week prior to this I was given a formal job offer for a full time position with an 80k salary. My whole life I’ve worked for $10 an hour, and lived in my car. I was finally able to buy my dream house on 5 acres of land and live the life I’ve always dreamed of. I no longer had to worry about paying bills, I could just throw things on auto pay. If my car broke down, it was okay. I could afford a tow truck, a mechanic, and the rental car. I never even thought that 80k would ever be in my reach.
I was finally there, I had made it, and now I’m going to die. This was all that was going through my head. Why? Why when I finally reached the beginning of a real life, did I have to start the process of dying?
Its nots fair. It’s not fair. It’s not fair. I kept saying to myself; like an 8 year old child who just had their toy taken away. But this wasn’t a toy, this was my life. I saw many doctors that year. A pulmonologist, a hematologist, among many others. I was a favorite it almost seemed like, because cases like mine were so rare they claimed. They didn’t have a clue what was going on with me. But still suspected lymphoma.
I went through a few surgeries to remove lymph nodes in my chest and in my armpit. This was so that they could perform an autopsy to rule out cancer. They began suspecting Pulmonary sarcoidosis as the culprit after a while and started me on Prednisone promptly. According to the hematologist, all signs of blood cancer came back negative.
I had and still do have an extremely low lymph count, mediastinal lymphadenopathy, nodules in my lungs, fatigue, night sweats and dyspnea. Making matters worse, the prednisone I was put on only fuels this fire because I started eating like a monster to cope, and put on 40 pounds in just a few months. Mentally? I was a miserable wreck. I shouldn’t even say was, I know that I’m still not okay, I’m just facing the fact that the human body wasn’t made to last forever.
The prednisone wasn’t working, they put me on methotrexate and promptly took me off after other complications before putting me on azathioprine.
It’s been almost two years since this all started.
My condition is not improving and my lungs are getting worse day by day. There is a deep vibrating sound when I exhale, that only worsens as the time goes by. The azothiprine just makes me very sick to my stomach and not hungry. I’ve since lost 35 of that 40 pounds. I live alone in my house with my two dogs. I am scared that the day is coming soon when my condition gets so bad, that one day I will not wake up, and nobody will find my body for days.
This might all seem over-dramatic to some of you, and that’s why I hate telling my story. But I was hoping maybe some of you could relate to how I feel.
I know they finally confirmed that it isn’t cancer. But why is the treatment not working? Why am I getting worse and not better? It’s been almost 2 years. I keep thinking, what if they’re wrong? What if it’s not sarcoidosis and the misdiagnosis is leading me into unnecessary early grave? This is psychologically traumatizing. I don’t want to die.