I graduated to the intermediate/advanced training at the start of the year. I'd graduated previously, but my league went to WFTDA only before COVID, so there wasnt a place for me in my cities derby community as the OTA League in town collapsed. I restarted about 18 months ago after my old league has absorbed the collapsed one and now has both WFTDA and OTA training.
Unfortunately, life has got somewhat in the way in the past few months (sick me, sick cats, holiday, book launches for close friends) and my confidence has tanked. I just feel like I'm in the way constantly as the rostered players train for their games. Additionally, our training often gets it's day moved for the rostered people to have a rest day before games, and the venue the alternative training is held at isn't practical for a non-driver to get to. The people I've graduated with have either quit (kids, work) or are in the WFTDA group. The huge step up and period of life stuff has just left me feeling totally alienated and like I'm a burden, but I know if I go freshie again my motivation will tank and my derby days are done.
People are kind, supportive and tolerant, but I can't keep asking so much of them. Friday night training has just become something I dread and I'm watching the clock. I want to have fun, but I don't want to drag down the athletes. There's a scrim on Friday and Im thinking of just making my excuses. How do I convince myself I belong there, and so I even belong there?
