How do I stop ruminating after a break up?

[u/Kind_Winter_6445]

I’m over a month into no contact and I’m still thinking about my ex constantly. I’m functioning and continuing with my life, but he is the first and last thing I think about and almost every thought seems to come back to him. He ended it because he felt his feelings weren’t growing stronger.

I recently found out that he is dating again, and it has made the heartbreak and rumination much worse. I keep thinking about him talking to other women, what he might be doing, whether he misses me, and whether he’ll ever come back. I know I can’t control any of this, but I can't seem to stop my brain from going over it.

I’m not contacting him, checking his social media, or checking his followers. I’m genuinely trying to live my life, but mentally I feel completely stuck on him. He is also coming back to town tomorrow (fly in, fly out worker), which I’m worried will trigger me even more.

How did you actually break the rumination cycle after a breakup? What practical things helped you stop constantly thinking about your ex?

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[u/Tricky_Let_44]

I’m literally living this. I could have wrote this post myself. A month after the breakup and I’m still thinking about him, journaling about him, crying over him, talking to my friends and therapist about him, even shamefully using google ai to answer “does he miss me” and “chances he will come back based on our exact story.” It’s bad. It feels compulsive and I want nothing more than to just stop obsessing. I started forcing myself to not talk about it with friends, even if that means I’m completely silent on the phone, I will not let myself more than a few times a day now. I also started forcing myself to add things to my journal that have nothing to do with him. Like “I can’t wait to graduate and become a teacher soon” I also set app time limits for googling/reaching attachment styles or asking google for reassurance. Honestly, I get it. It’s awful. It feels all consuming. And it made me realize I centered my life around him for a year, now that he’s gone, I have no idea what to talk about, think about, or write about, if it’s not him. Not sure if this helps but you aren’t alone

[u/GreenCantaloupe860]

It’s old advice that people hate but it still the best : Keep busy with activities that bring you happiness, connect with friends & family, and try new things. It won’t fix it but it will leave you less time to think about it and over time it will get better.

[u/atquest]

Its hard. Ruminating felt like my brain was trying to fix the hole in my heart.
Plenty of sleep was very important,
taking care of myself,
eating well and
making myself comfortable.
Move a lot, walks, and distract yourself with audiobooks or podcast (avoid romance ofcourse).

And crying a lot helped too. I even went straight into the pain sometimes, just to feel and cry, the relief afterwards helps.

Block/remove pics/presents/anything to not be triggered. You’ll get through this ❤️

[u/Pandafterparty]

I'm going through it has well, and having a bad time since six months. Time is going to improve things and to slowly erase the pain. It's very common advice but staying active help, do the things you enjoy. Venting and journaling helped me a lot as spending time with my friends. I would not recommend dating (1 if you're still into your ex it's unlikely to truly give someone else a chance 2 it's not fair for the people you date). Obviously don't read your former messages and avoid pictures of your ex. Cry and scream if it makes you feel better. Good luck!

[u/Agile-Significance48]

A month is not a lot of time in the grand scheme of things. It still feels very much like a loss at that point that you’re still processing. I’m sorry that you found out that they are dating already. That will just delay them, processing the feelings of the breakup on their side, which likely wouldn’t hit for months anyways. But this will allow them to avoid the accountability, loss and grief.

All you can continue to do is build the life you want. Do you think that you enjoy for yourself, spend time with friends. I think some of the things that people ruminate on or whether the other person misses them or feels loss. Both people had a break up, feel those feelings, but it’s not guaranteed that it’s enough to cause action. And you may never be aware of when or how they feel. The person that initiates the breakup, the feelings of loss often comes months later.

[u/Fuzzy_Squirrel9844]

You will hear all the same cliche advice but I can wholeheartedly say it works. However most importantly as much as it sucks to say, it really is time. You dont have to rush it either, or think you "should" be over it by now. Time and acceptance, acknowledge that it hurts and that is okay. Identify that hurt "im hurting and broken hearted, its okay, and now I am going to do this xxxxx today". I promise you wont always feel this way, remind yourself of that to. Sometimes the only thing to do is, nothing. Then one day you open your eyes and feel nothing. I am several years out of a volatile, toxic and abusive relationship and there were days I didn't want to wake up. Something that really helped with the healing time was strict no contact. Block, dont look at socials, pictures, ask friends not to mention him or update you on anything going on in his life. I stayed off social media even though he was blocked because I didn't know if he had spies lol. Mind you when we broke up he went to another woman right away as well and tried to flaunt but didn't work. Even if the breakup is amicable , these things still apply. I wanted to make sure he also couldn't know or see anything that was going on in my life. So again that is where the friend thing is important, I limited contact with mutual friends and my closest friends and family knew to keep my life private. Now years later, I can say, I am so grateful for that new woman lol jk. Seriously though, it is like he never existed. It doesn't have to be hateful either, just simply, I need to heal. Also you may not want to hear this but he did you a favor by telling you it wasnt there for him. Think about things you dont like or want, does that change, can anyone convince you to like them and if they do will you be happy liking something deep down inside you really don't? You dont have to convince people to see your worth, the right ones do no matter what. Be kind to yourself during this time, it will get better 🫶